He’d ruined me.
Everything was so blurry through my tears, I didn’t see it coming. And then my head snapped up at the blaring sound of a horn, and I stared wide-eyed at two bright headlights barreling toward me.
A few cars swerved, narrowly missing me as I yanked the wheel to the right, sending my car spiraling to a stop. I put my head between my hands on the wheel and let sobs wrack through me. I wiped the back of my arm across my nose and took a few deep breaths, then put the car back in gear and drove a few more blocks to The Backdoor.
I stared at the familiar burgundy awning that had become somewhat of a home, wishing I could go back to last night. To the strong Eva who was sure she owned her own life. Who was ready to take on the world and the man who had destroyed her.
I fished around in my bag for the spare key Rick had given me and rolled it around in my fingers. Sniffling, I fixed my face as best I could in the rearview mirror before going inside and locking the door behind me.
I flipped a switch, sending a flickering buzz to the room before the lights came to life. I could have texted Jace to come help me, but I was beyond that. No one could help me anymore. I wanted it all to be over. No more do-overs or second chances. They didn’t exist, and I had been a fool to entertain the notion.
I snatched the bottle of Grey Goose from the back bar and pulled the cork from the top, taking one of the rock glasses and filling it halfway.
Dropping my head back, I squeezed my eyes shut as the liquid fire poured down my throat. Rumbling surrounded the sloshing in my belly, and my head snapped up. The abrupt harshness of its intrusion was too much to hold on to. I lurched over the sink, throwing up what little contents remained in my stomach. Out of breath, I clutched at the basin, breathing in and out furiously, my eyes soaked with tears as I choked.
I dragged my arm across my mouth and looked to the right. Blake’s seat sat bare, mocking me. The bottle of Grey Goose pronounced itself in the hazy setting of my periphery and I made up my mind.
This was the end.
With determination I stalked back over, poured another half a glass, and dumped it into my mouth, holding it there before letting it slide down my throat.
Then I poured another.
And another.
Another.
Feeling a lightness surrounding me, I snickered out a laugh, twirling with my arms open as I let the numbness take hold. The bottles blurred together in a whirl, eliciting another bout of strangled giggles. My feet moved in a criss-cross pattern as I tried to walk a straight line to the register. I popped the drawer and retrieved a handful of quarters. They scattered on the floor as I stumbled out from behind the bar, then I collapsed against the jukebox and pushed in an undetermined amount of coins.
I stabbed my fingers into the square button, watching the plastic tabs flap across until I found what I was searching for. I had no clue why Rick had this song in his bar and could only imagine it was for my benefit. Demi Lovato’s voice rang out loud singing, Let It Go.
Childish? Maybe, but the words resounded so deeply. I scream-sang along and I let it all go, emotion tearing through me and flying from my lungs. Exploding from my soul. Finally setting it all free.
Setting young Eva free.
I pounded my chest and ripped at my hair, hugging myself tight and ridding myself of everything I’d held on to for far too long.
When it ended, my chest ached with the effort it took to breathe. I bounced off the stools lining the bar, making my way behind it when a glimpse of my swollen, bruised face stopped me. I cocked my head to the side as I brushed my fingertips along my cheekbones.
What have I become?
I smoothed down my shirt and swiped my fingers under my eyes, as if that would make me look presentable. Then I placed a hundred dollar bill in the drawer for all the alcohol I had consumed, tossed the glass aside, and chugged from the half-empty bottle. I slammed it down and my head followed, my forehead bouncing off the bar rail. If I could feel, it probably would have hurt. My heart rate sped up, an overwhelming need to throw up engulfing me. I leaned over the sink, relieving myself again.
When I was able to stand upright, I squinted, trying to focus. I closed one eye, then the other. Still, all I saw was a blur of melded bottles and wood.
I put my hand to the bar rail and used it for support as I climbed out from behind it. Though my body was buzzing and numb, the pain still sat deep within its confines. I wanted to erase it, but no matter how hard I tried it was settled into my heart and glued to my insides.
Somehow, I managed to lock the door behind me. The sun was just setting and Rick would be here soon. I couldn’t chance him seeing me like this.
Stumbling to the driver’s side, my fingers unsuccessfully fumbled with my keys. They clanked as they hit the ground and bounced beneath the door.
Fuck.
Holding onto the hood, I tried to bend, but a wave slammed into my head and rolled through my belly. Somewhere in my clouded state, logic told me I shouldn’t be on the road, so I wrapped my jacket tighter around me, shamefully ducking my head to not draw attention, and bared down against the cold.
One . . . two . . . three . . . I counted each step that took me closer to my apartment. A little further and I’d be there.
My building was in sight, I was pretty sure of it, but brick, stone, and glass were all meshing together. I fought hard against the power pulling inside me to give in and collapse, and dragged my body up the short staircase that led to isolation.
But it wasn’t home anymore. Blake had assumed that position, and now he would be just another home I had lost. That had been ripped from my hooked fingers and taken away from me.
Draping my hair over my face, I waved to the doorman so he wouldn’t think anything was wrong and moved as stealthily as my legs would allow. By the time the elevator reached the top floor, my eyes were blinking drowsily. The saliva in my mouth had dried up to nothing, and a cold heat was racing up the back of my neck, prickling my sweat-soaked skin. I held onto the wall, squinting and dragging my legs, searching my bag for my keys when I remembered I’d stupidly dropped them in the street.
Defeated, all I wanted was to give in to the overwhelming need to lie down. To let the darkness closing in from the outside points of my periphery have its way and take me over. Drown out my line of vision completely and give way to the nagging numbness.
My shoulders hunched, and I watched my toes pull across the carpet, slowing me further. I looked up at my door at the end of the hall, wishing it would come to me, the fight against my own body too much to bring me there. Then I tripped, wobbling, and banged my head off the wall, which sent me spiraling to the ground.
I watched her then, young Eva, as I lay crumpled on the floor. She dislodged herself from somewhere within my body, floated up and turned back to me with a smile, then blew me a kiss and disappeared into thin air.
An angel.
She looked like an angel.
I reached one hand out, then the other because, as luck would have it, my legs were no longer attached to my body. Or so it seemed.
Just a little further . . .
Just a little . . .
Just a . . .
BLAKE
The arches of my feet ached from treading the carpet all day. Pain was starting to spread to my lower back, but I couldn’t sit. I wouldn’t. Not when she wasn’t answering any of my texts or calls. She’d messaged me earlier saying everything was fine, but I had a bad feeling. A really bad fucking feeling.
I raked an unsteady hand through my hair, and then stopped the incessant walking and put my hands to my hips, dropping my shoulders. Something wasn’t right.
Come on, Angel. Where are you?
Me: You’re really making me nervous now, babe. I wish you would just answer me.
Minutes later—nothing.
“Fuck!” I punched the wall and flinched, shaking out my hand. I hadn’t expected the wood to be so unforgiving. I cradled my bruised knuckles and shook t
hem out once more.
I can’t sit here anymore.
I swiped my keys from the counter, each stride exuding my determination, and slammed the door behind me. The few city blocks to her apartment felt like full states as I jogged the short distance.
Please be there . . .
Please be there . . .
Please . . .
“Hey, James.” I waved to her doorman, breathless as I scooted past him.
I jammed my finger into the up arrow and stuck my hands in my pockets, pacing the small space. When the elevator dinged, I stood with my nose pressed against it, waiting for it to open. I wrapped my fingers around the rail as I watched the numbers tick by, taking me to the top floor.
Be here . . .
Be here . . .
Be fucking here . . .
The silver slats glided open, revealing a blonde heap on the floor. My legs felt like lead as I slipped between the doors before they closed on me. It was her. It can’t be her.
“Angel!” The strangled voice in my ears didn’t sound like my own. She looked broken and discarded—one arm straight out on the floor, her matted head slouched on top of it. I dropped to my knees and brushed the hair from her face, revealing a purple swell over her cheekbone. The eyes I loved so much were poking out from thin slits in her lids, but they held no sign of life, and her lips looked dry and chafed. The stench of vomit and alcohol burned in my nostrils.
“Angel,” I whispered, not knowing where to touch her as my fingers roamed, looking for a spot I wouldn’t hurt her more.
“Eva?” My voice found some muster.
“Evangelina!”
Nothing.
I grabbed her chin between two fingers and shook her. “Angel!”
I scooped up the top half of her body and rocked with her. “Oh, baby, what did you do? Talk to me, Angel. What did you do?”
I moved her wet hair aside, realizing I was crying. I swiped the back of my forearm under my nose and placed two fingers to the edge of her throat, begging to find a pulse.
A faint brush at my fingers gave me hope. “Oh, thank God.” I slid my arms beneath her and pushed to my feet. “Please, God, let her be okay.” Her head fell back over my arm and her mouth hung open. She looked so small. So helpless.
I began to sob. “Hold on, baby. Hold on to me. I’m getting help. Do NOT leave me, do you hear me?”
Running, I fisted Jace’s door on the way to the elevator. “Jace!”
His door flung open just as the elevator doors were beginning to close.
Through the narrowing slats, I shouted, “Meet me at the hospital!”
His face contorted in horror as he stood there, unmoving.
“Come on . . . Come on . . . Come on . . .” I shook, waiting to shoot like a cannon when the doors reopened.
“James, call the hospital and tell them to expect us. She’s unconscious.” I ran past him, barreling out the door and took the stairs two at a time. I hoisted her higher, tucking her head under my neck as I ran. “Hold on, baby. Please. Fuck!”
My legs burned at the hips, and my arms felt ready to give way, but I wouldn’t slow down. I burst through the doors to the emergency room, unable to breathe or call for help when a gurney slid in front of me.
“Put her down,” a lady in a white coat with kind yet urgent eyes instructed.
I kissed the top of Eva’s head before lowering her onto the hard tabletop. Be okay. You have to be okay.
A male doctor joined in my nightmare. “What do we have here?”
“I found her this way. I don’t know what happened but the smell of alcohol is so strong.” I bit back the burn that made my voice crack and grabbed her fingers as I walked beside them rolling her swiftly down the hall.
“Sir, you have to stay here.”
Are they fucking insane? “No way. I won’t leave her.”
The female pushed her palm into my chest. “Please, sir. You have no choice. Let us tend to her.”
They rushed off with the most important piece of me. All that was left was the short breeze of the swinging door they’d swept through. I fell to my knees on the cold, unyielding green tile and dropped my head into my hands. It felt like my chest was cracking open and pieces of me were spilling out.
I heard panting behind me, and a firm grip squeezed my shoulder. “What happened? Where is she?” Jace was hunched over, winded.
I used my knee as leverage as I pushed up from the floor and hung my head. “They took her. I have no idea what happened. She wasn’t answering my calls or texts all day, so I went to check on her and found her in the hall that way. She reeks of alcohol, has vomit in her hair, and I could barely feel her pulse.”
Jace’s shoulders bobbed as tears fell from his eyes. “I’ve been so preoccupied with Shay, I haven’t even talked to her in a few days.”
I looked up, surprised. “Shay? Shay Goldie?”
Jace waved his hand, dismissing my inquiry. “I can’t believe she was laying outside my door dying, and I didn’t even know. Why the hell didn’t she come to me for help?” He looked hurt and . . . confused?
“Has she ever done this before? She texted me this morning and said she had to go see Abby. Do you think something happened?”
Jace’s eyes widened, and a look of something close to recognition took over his face. He looked back to the door they’d just wheeled Angel through and stared, seeming far away.
“Jace? Do you know something? What’re you thinking, man?” Tell me what the fuck happened to my girl.
“Hmmm? No. I just . . . I hope . . .” He hung his head and cried even harder. “My poor baby girl. I’m so sorry,” he said on a whisper.
“Sorry for what?” I craned my neck, trying to get him to look me in the eye. When he wouldn’t, I grabbed his shoulders and shook. “Jace! Talk to me! Sorry about what? What do you think happened to her?” I searched his face for an answer.
“Blake, I love that broken little girl more than anything, and I love how much you love her. Trust me, I want nothing more than for you guys to work out.” He paused. “But I can’t tell you. It’s not my story to tell.” He hung his shoulders and slouched into a nearby hard plastic chair.
I started pacing in front of him. “Jace. Come on, man, you have to tell me. She almost killed herself tonight. Hell, I don’t even know if . . .” I let my thoughts linger there. I couldn’t speak the words out loud. If anything happened to her, I wouldn’t survive it. That girl lived in me. She pumped through my veins. I couldn’t be without her anymore.
I dropped into the chair next to Jace and hung my head in my hands. “I’ll die without her, Jace. I can’t even think . . .”
Jace sniffed. “Eva’s a strong girl. Don’t doubt her. She’ll pull through this. She always does. The girl’s got amazing will.” He said it as though he was trying to convince himself, too. He put a hand on my knee. “She loves you, you know. She’ll tell you in her own time. Just don’t pressure her. She’s bottled up so tight, I’m afraid she might explode. Let her come to you. When she’s ready.”
I met his concerned eyes and pondered what he was asking of me. I just couldn’t. “Jace, she almost died. If I hadn’t found her . . . I can’t even think about what they’re doing to her in there.”
Glancing back at the door they’d wheeled her through, I pictured her body contorting as they tried to rid her of whatever toxins she’d harmed herself with, and I felt sick. The burn of tears were back in my throat, and I buried my head in my hands again as I anxiously rocked.
Jace rubbed circles on my back. It was easy to see why Eva loved him so much. “You have to trust me, lover. She’s going to be extremely fragile after this. It’s going to be like walking around with tempered glass. One false move and she’ll crack. Do you understand?”
When I didn’t answer, he jerked my chin in his direction. “I’m gonna need a yes or a no on that one. This is too important to fuck around. Do you understand?”
“Yeah, Jace. I got you. But I can’t help her
if I don’t know how. You’re asking a lot from me.”
“It’s not for me. It’s for her.” He pushed that last word into me with his eyes.
I understood.
Something in my face must have given that away because Jace relaxed against his seat. “You’ve already helped her more than you’ll ever know. I have confidence in you. You’ll know what to do.”
Gastric lavage—or gastric suction, was the medical term the doctor gave me when he told me they’d pumped my stomach. That was after I’d spent twenty minutes retching and dry heaving.
I drew my arm around my tender belly and curled on my side into a ball. I didn’t know what they were observing anymore. There was nothing left of me to see. I felt as though I could disappear into the sheets and it wouldn’t make a difference. I was already dead. The fact that I’d tried to make it official today was the nail in the coffin.
I dragged a shaky hand to my throat and squeezed as I swallowed what felt like nails. My fingers brushed the necklace Blake had given me for Christmas, and the burn in my throat crept up higher as I fought to keep my eyes free of tears.
Losing the battle, I let one tear leak from its duct, and I looked up, blinking rapidly. I wouldn’t let myself feel this anymore. I made a fist around the delicate gold and tugged, breaking the clasp which held it together. Taking each charm between my fingers, I committed them to memory—the tiny specks in the top of the microphone, the intricate lines in the angel’s wings, the small shimmer that acted as a flash in the lens of the camera. So detailed.
“Where is she? I want to see her!” Blake’s voice didn’t sound far, and I couldn’t face him yet. My voice was hoarse, and I didn’t have the strength I’d need. I let the chain fall from my fingers next to the container of melting ice chips and the pink puke pail on the small brown table they’d set beside me.
Wincing, I removed the blanket and held my stomach as I pushed from the bed. The pain in my abdomen radiated through me, and I could barely stand upright. I searched the room for my clothes and moved as quickly as possible, pulling them on with shaky hands. My heart pounded in my chest all the while hearing Blake arguing down the hall, praying I wouldn’t be caught.
Live Me Page 40
