I stepped back, not expecting his anger to be directed at me. “I didn’t lie to you.”
“How could you make me think all this time you were forced? You’re nothing but a slut and you made me think you were a victim?”
I pushed my fist into my crumbling heart. My worst fear was coming true. He was disgusted with me, and now I’d lose him. I couldn’t. “Blake, please. I can explain better.”
“Save it. I’ve heard enough.” He walked away from me and turned back abruptly, stabbing his finger at me. “You had me ready to kill a guy who did nothing wrong. Girls like you make me sick. It’s so easy for you to point a finger. This is the reason why I’m taking those law classes. To try and put a stop to manipulators like you.” Blake ripped open my door and spoke with his back to me. “Don’t bother calling me. We’re done.”
The sound of the door slamming ricocheted off the walls, and I dropped to my knees a sobbing heap of flesh. I rocked back and forth. “What have I done? What have I done? No!”
My cries rang in my ears, and suddenly my body flew up. The sheet bucked with the sharp movement of my chest as I tried to gain oxygen. Then my eyes focused on the blackened room, searching back and forth, frantic for reason.
The clock next to me read five A.M. My cheeks were soaked with tears, and I dropped my head into my knees.
It felt so real. My fears confirmed. He’d be gone the second he found out.
This was my mortal sin. My living nightmare. My doing. Damon had engrained that in my brain since day one. Etched it onto my veins. My choice. It was always my choice.
Until it wasn’t.
I couldn’t bear the disgusted look on Blake’s face stuck behind my eyelids each time I closed them, attempting to wash away the memory.
It wasn’t real. It wasn’t real.
Wake up!
I threw off the covers and paced, pressing my fingertips into my temples. “Get out of my head!”
I flipped the switch, illuminating the room, and searched frantically for something to erase the horrible look on his face when my eyes zeroed in on the journal he’d given me sitting on top of my desk. I took long rushed strides to get to it, throwing open the cover to see a picture of his gorgeous happy face, smiling in the break of dawn, and me tucked happily beneath his chin.
My fingers lingered over the print, scared to touch it as I cried through a tortured smile. I loved him so much. I couldn’t lose him. He was only trying to protect me, and I had pushed him away. Again.
I grabbed my phone and saw eight missed text messages. All from Blake. All asking if I’d made it home all right and if I was mad at him.
I typed out a quick response so he didn’t worry.
Me: I’m okay. I’m home. Going to bed. XO.
My phone quickly pinged back.
Blake: Good. Text me when you wake up. I love you.
Me: Love you.
I responded, then threw my phone into the sheets.
I turned on every light in the apartment so I wouldn’t fall back asleep, and drew open the blinds to the balcony. I made a cup of tea, and curled up on my couch with my new journal.
After I read through all of Blake’s words five times, I convinced myself it wasn’t real and I was being silly. Tomorrow I’d apologize for pushing him away, and I’d tell him the truth. The whole truth. It was time he knew. And at least it wouldn’t be between us anymore. I’d set his mind free and hopefully my own as well.
I moved to the first fresh page.
He’s the One
Air in my lungs
Light in my eyes
He came out of nowhere
A blessing in disguise
I never knew what I wanted
Never believed I’d be worth someone’s time
Though I tried to push him away
He stole my heart like the perfect crime
He’s the one
The one in my dreams
The one I can fall apart with
Who keeps me together at the seams
He’s the one
The one I want by my side
Through thick and thin, for better or worse
Tossing all of my fears aside.
My heart is so swollen
Anything else doesn’t matter
It races and lives
Soaring with each pitter patter
He lives in me
And I in him
And once I can set us both free
Our lives can truly begin
He’s the one
My breath, my air
My light, my freedom
Who broke my walls and stripped me bare
To the edge of the earth
Till judgment day comes
I’ll follow him endlessly
Because he’s the one
By the time I wrote the last word, the sun was coming up and I was yawning. I put my cup in the sink and crawled back under the covers.
It felt like five minutes later when a never-ending ringing buzzed in my ears. I groaned into the pillow.
“Go away.”
When it finally stopped only to start again, I fished around for my cell and swiped the screen with my eyes closed.
“What.”
“Eva? Oh, thank God. Why weren’t you answering?” Abby’s voice was thick with alarm, sobering me up quick.
I rolled over and looked at the clock. It was already noon.
“I didn’t get home till four, and then I couldn’t sleep. What’s wrong?”
“It’s Damon. He’s been acting all crazy since last night. We got into a huge fight the whole way home over Eric, and he doesn’t believe I don’t have feelings for him. You know I can’t lie for shit.” She started sobbing.
I sat up. “Hey, calm down. I’m sure it’ll be fine.”
“You didn’t see his face. I’ve never seen him like this, Eva. He said if I wanted Eric then he’s done with me.”
God, I wish. “Well, do you want him?” I pinched the bridge of my nose, squishing my eyes shut.
“I don’t fucking know! I don’t even know him. I mean, I said I didn’t, but I could tell he didn’t believe me.” She tried to catch her breath through her sobs. “Please, Eva. I’ve never asked you for anything, but I need you. I can’t talk to anyone else about this.”
Silence ballooned on the line as I chewed my lips, contemplating whether or not I could go through with this in the sober light of day. I swallowed, pushing down on the lump in my belly as my stomach churned over, wrought with anxiety that my long held secret would finally be revealed. That bastard weaseled himself into me like a debilitating fucking disease and, even if I purged it from my system, I wasn’t sure I could ever really be rid of it.
But she needed to know. It was time. Whether she believed me or not, I’d deal with the consequences. I couldn’t live with myself if I just let her marry him and never told her.
“I’ll be there as soon as I can. There’s something I need to talk to you about, too.”
“Thank you. I love you.”
“Love you.” I pushed end and a bunch of missed texts from Blake popped up. I texted him back.
Me: Hey. I love you. Everything’s fine with us, but I need to go see Abby. We’ll talk later. XO
I combed my fingers through my hair and pulled it back in a messy ponytail, washed my face, and brushed on a few coats of mascara, not bothering to put in the customary amount of effort. I needed to get to her so I could get back here and explain everything to Blake.
Abby, I have something to tell you. No, that wasn’t right. Abby, Damon . . . he . . . No. Fuck, how was I going to do this? Straight out. I’d come straight out.
Abby, I slept with Damon.
God she was going to hate me. I fucking hate me.
It was a long time ago, and I was young. Naïve. Please, let me explain before you freak out.
I tapped my foot impatiently as I waited to get my car from the lot. I slipped a tip into the attendant’s hand, tossed my bag
across the seat, and pealed out.
Less than an hour later, I parked in front of my parents’ house. The driveway was empty. Abby’s car was probably in the garage, but I left the driveway open in case my parents came home early. I skipped steps, jogging up the porch, and flung the door open.
“Abby,” I called out. “See, I came as fast as I could. Where are you?”
I tossed my keys in the bowl by the door and took a few steps toward the kitchen when I froze.
Damon was standing in the way.
I’d never seen him so disheveled. He looked strung out, his shirt hanging from one side. Hair stuck up every which way as if he’d spent the night pulling on it, and his red-rimmed eyes were trained on me with a seething hatred.
I backed up a step, fear encroaching on my being like a smothering blanket. My limbs prickled to the point I thought them useless. “Where’s Abby?”
“Where’s Abby. Where’s Abby,” he mocked in an almost child-like manner. “Always with the where’s fucking Abby. I should be asking you that question, you little fucking slut.” Stumbling, he took a swig from a half-filled beer bottle hooked in his pointer finger.
I hadn’t noticed that before.
Who is this? This isn’t Damon. It was as though he was unraveled and shredded. It almost looked like the state he was in was scaring him. I put my hands up defensively, still backing up as he made his way toward me. Feigning the composure I wished I had, I attempted to reason with whoever it was he’d morphed into.
“Damon, it’s the middle of the afternoon. Have you even slept?”
He cocked his head to the side and placed the bottle on the end table with the faintest of taps. Almost calm.
That scared me more.
Bloodshot eyes met mine. “Slept? For real? My fiancé is fucking some other guy, and it’s all because of you and your little fucking boyfriend. You think I can sleep?” I flinched at the lashing his tone dished out.
Swallowing my fear, I straightened my spine. “Abby isn’t sleeping with anyone. She’d never do that to you. You need to sleep this off and calm down.” I reached for my keys.
But he was quicker.
In two large strides, his shadow cast over me. “Don’t tell me what I need to do.” My head flung to the side as the loud smack of his backhand filled the room.
I recoiled from the blow, sheltering my cheek. My eyes filled with water at the sting it left behind.
“Damon . . .”
“Shut the fuck up!” He grabbed my ponytail, twisting my neck at a painful angle. I screeched, clutching my head as he dragged me to the couch. He threw me down and my body bounced like a flimsy doll onto the cushions.
This can’t be happening. Not like this.
My hands and feet stammered to gain traction, scooting until my back hit the armrest. “Damon! Think about what you’re doing right now. She can come home!” It was all I could think of that might stop his assault. Reason with the logical person who must have still been buried in there somewhere.
“I—don’t—give a fuck!” he shouted in my face. A burn smacked against my already numb cheek as he delivered his second blow to the tender skin, sending my face into the stiff plush.
Each morsel of me was shutting down, frantically searching for its hidey hole. But I pushed deeper, trying my best to ignore it while I gathered my pieces. No fucking more!
I ground down on my molars. “You can’t touch me anymore. Get off me! GET OFF ME!” I pounded my fists against his chest in a fury, desperate to get him to stop. God, I can’t breathe.
His face contorted into a calm, twisted smile, and I froze in terror, realization hitting me that my efforts would bear no fruit. He was determined and too far gone. He used my moment of weakness to hook his arms under my knees and yank me flat on my back.
Grabbing my wrists, he pinned my arms above my head. His hot breath coated the skin around my ear, his voice a low growl. “I told you, you wouldn’t like it this time.”
He pressed his lips to mine, and I pursed them together, squeezing my eyes shut. The wretched stench of booze and sticky wetness of his lips churned my stomach.
“I know this is all your fault. She hasn’t been the same since she came to visit you that night.”
I searched my frazzled mind for a way out of this. Blake’s eyes and soft smile flashed before my eyes and tears pooled, swelling my bottom lids. This can’t happen. I can’t do this to him.
I needed him off me.
Turning cold, I looked right at the person I hated most, and fastened on a cocky smile, determined not to let him break me this time. I’d had enough.
“It is not. Maybe she just realizes what a piece of shit you are.” I spit the words in his face.
Damon sneered, unaffected, and the air was sucked out of my heart like the whoosh of a vacuum, deflating any hope I’d had. “You think you’re slick? Well, you’re going to make it up to me. You’re gonna to pay for ruining the one good thing in my life. She’s mine! You hear me?” He paused briefly before determinedly adding. “And so are you. You just need to be reminded.” He clamped both my tiny wrists in his fist, and I yelped as his weight bore down and he tore off my leggings.
“Stop!” I yelled, but the monster on top of me didn’t flinch. Horrified, I was immobile to do anything as he maneuvered himself between the slit of his zipper. My back bowed with a dry heave, and I swallowed down its bitterness.
“You think you can hide behind that pussy boyfriend of yours? Well, think again, sweetheart.” He took himself in his hand and rubbed his palm over his hardened tip, salivating over what he was about to do. The lesson he was about to teach me. “What’s he gonna say when he finds out I was inside his precious Angel?” The hiss of my favorite name from his lips curdled the contents in my stomach.
“No!” I cried, trying to push my weight against his chest. He slammed me down again and ripped my shirt and bra up in one swift motion. “Don’t do this. They can come home at any minute!”
“Good. Then they’ll realize what a WHORE their little goody two-shoes is!”
He clasped my nipple between his teeth, and bit down. I cried out in pain. He usually wasn’t forceful about it, but he was pissed and unwavering in his efforts to make me suffer. To prove his point. Any attempt I could make would be futile.
So I did the only thing I could think of—I shut off.
Turning my head to the side, I let thoughts of Blake and his loving face invade my mind as I blocked out what was about to happen. A tear leaked out of my catatonic eyes, seeping into the cushion. Nothing else would matter after this.
A sense of serenity washed over me. A calm as I detached myself from my body. With a soft smile on my face, I imagined a future that would never be as tears slipped from my eyes. My body bucked with Damon’s movements, but I didn’t respond. I stayed inside my soul. Out of my skin. I felt his hands all over me but imagined they were different hands. Warm, loving hands. Hands that were supposed to cradle the babies I’d never know. That were supposed to hold me when I was old and sick. Hands I’d never feel again.
The sound of my underwear ripping tore through me. He’d take the last piece of me this time. Pluck the final shard of glass and flick it in the air. Into nowhere. There was nothing left for me. Nothing left of me. All that mattered would never be anymore.
I screeched as he shoved two fingers inside me, my ribs jerking at the abrupt intrusion. With a disgusting smile on his face, he worked his fingers in and out of me, spreading me painfully wide.
“Tell me you want this.”
I remained silent.
He shoved a third finger inside me, and I winced at the pain, but I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of hearing me say those words. This time he’d know it was rape, even if his sick demented mind was convinced I was a willing participant.
“Say it! Tell me you want it!”
I dug through whatever was left of me and forced a triumphant smile. If I was going out, I was going out with some dignity. “Fuc
k. You.” I spit out. “This is rape. It was always rape. I. Don’t. Want. This!” I howled, finally saying that horrible word out loud. Even though I was pinned down, I felt liberated.
His enraged eyebrows pulled low in the center. He took himself in his hand and rubbed the head of his cock along the slim line of my sex. As he paused at my opening, I held my breath, waiting for the blow. “Have it your way then.”
Suddenly, the sound of a car door shutting and the beep of an alarm crashed over me like an ice cold bucket of water.
I was saved.
But my relief was short lived and replaced by fear. Oh God, don’t let them see this!
I pulled my arms free and slammed my fists on Damon’s chest. “Someone’s here! Get off me!”
He jumped, pulling the blinds down.
I scrambled upright in time to see Abby fixing her purse on her shoulder and walking up the drive. I kicked him in the chest and leapt off the couch, frantically pulling up my pants and securing my shirt.
Damon stood nonchalantly, closing his zipper with a smug look on his face, and smoothed a hand through his hair.
Footfalls clanked on the stairs, and I pulled the elastic band out of my hair, letting it cascade over my bruised cheek. Then I grabbed my keys just as Abby opened the door.
“Eva?” She paused. “Sorry, I ran out. I . . .” She did a double take, thankfully not taking note of my state, and narrowed her eyes at Damon. “Why are you still here?”
Not sticking around for his answer, I blew past her. Jogging to my car, I squeezed the burn invading my throat.
I slammed myself onto the leather seat and skidded away from the curb. My knuckles were bright white, strangling the wheel as I took the turns at a speed that made my car fishtail. When I pulled onto the highway, lights from passing cars bled together through my tears. I couldn’t make out the lines or one object to the next as I sucked in ragged breaths. I punched the wheel and the dashboard, screaming, and then cried harder.
I wanted to die. Plain and simple. I couldn’t do it anymore.
He’d won.
Live Me Page 39
