The Sometimes Daughter

by Sherri Wood Emmons

  Grandma looked at me for a long minute, and then she smiled.

  “I can see why you think so,” she said, handing me another tissue. “She’s your mother, and she’s supposed to take care of you. Instead, you’re taking care of her. It’s hard, honey. I know it’s hard. But ... well, sometimes life is hard. That’s all.”

  “Why did she go away?”

  I blurted it out before I could stop myself, then clapped both hands over my mouth and shook my head. It’s what I’d always wanted to ask, ever since I could remember, but I never did. Because inside I knew the answer, I always knew. Mama left because she didn’t love me enough to stay. I ducked my head as if I could ward off the answer I didn’t want to hear.

  “Oh, Judy,” Grandma said softly. “I don’t know all of it. I know she was unhappy. She was unhappy before she met your daddy. She had a terrible time growing up. You’ve met her mother... .” Her voice trailed away.

  “But then she seemed to be happy when she married Kirk. And when she had you, she was over-the-moon happy. She loved you so much.”

  “But she left,” I said.

  “Yes, she did. And that was wrong for her to do,” Grandma said. “It was very wrong, and I had a hard time forgiving her for it.”

  “Did you forgive her?” I asked.

  “Mostly,” she said. “I’m still working on it.”

  She hugged me tight and kissed my cheek.

  “I don’t know why she left, Judy, I’m sorry. I don’t think even Cassie really knows why she left. Except I think ... well, I think she’s always looking for something that will make her feel better about herself. I think that’s why she joined that church.”

  I blew my nose again.

  “I know it’s hard to understand, but your mother does love you,” Grandma said. “She’s always loved you. And now she’s home, and she needs us. She needs you, Judy.”

  I didn’t answer. I thought about all the times I had needed Mama, and she wasn’t there. It wasn’t fair now that she needed us.

  “And, honey, just because she’s back, that doesn’t mean your daddy doesn’t love you just like always. You know that, too, right?”

  I shrugged again.

  “Judy Webster, don’t you shrug your shoulders at me! And don’t you start thinking your daddy doesn’t love you, because he loves you more than anything. You are his whole life.”

  Maybe that was true, or maybe it had been true just because Mama wasn’t there. Maybe now, with Mama back, he wouldn’t love me so much. Maybe the next time Mama left, instead of taking me with her, she’d take Daddy away.

  Grandma tilted my chin to make me look at her.

  “Doesn’t your daddy make you breakfast and get you ready for school every day? Doesn’t he tuck you in and read to you every night? Doesn’t he take you to the movies and buy you popcorn? Isn’t he building you a tree house? Your daddy loves you so much, and nothing in the world is going to change that.

  “Do you understand me?” She took my hand and held it tight. “Nothing will ever change the way your daddy loves you.”

  “I guess so,” I said. I hoped so, anyway.

  “No, you don’t guess so,” she said, squeezing my hand. “You know so.”

  She rose from her chair and picked up the pan of beans.

  “Now,” she said, “if I don’t get these beans on to boil, your grandpa won’t eat till eight. Come help me get supper started.”

  She held out her hand and I took it and followed her into the kitchen.

  17

  Daddy picked me up after work, just like always. But when we got home, the house was dark and quiet.

  “Cassie?” Daddy yelled up the stairs. “Are you home?”

  No one answered.

  “Maybe she’s at Rhonda’s,” he said. “I’ll just call over there.”

  He reached for the phone and then stopped. A white envelope was sitting by the telephone. His name was written on it in blue ink.

  Daddy sat down and tore open the envelope, then read the note inside. He said nothing for a very long minute. Then he ran his hand over his eyes and stood, putting the note back into the envelope.

  “Well,” he said at last, “your mama has decided to go stay with her sister for a while, with Aunt Karen.”

  He walked into the kitchen, never looking at me. I followed him.

  “Where is that?” I asked.

  “What?”

  “Where does Aunt Karen live?”

  He sighed and sat down at the table. “She lives in Bloomington, just about an hour away.”

  He pulled the note from the envelope again and read it, his lips moving silently. Then he sighed again.

  “I’m sorry, Daddy.”

  “It’s okay. It’s probably the best place for her right now. I just wish ...”

  “I didn’t mean to make her go away,” I whispered.

  “Oh, honey! It’s not your fault.” Daddy opened his arms and pulled me close. “It’s nothing you did or said. It never was. You know that, right? You know when she left before it wasn’t because of anything you did. And it’s not this time, either.”

  I leaned into him and cried then. I cried because she’d left us again and I was sad, but I was also relieved, and that made me cry even more.

  I cried because I knew this time it was my fault. I had been so mean to Mama that morning. I’d wished her gone, and now she was gone. And no matter what Daddy might say, I knew the truth.

  “It’s okay, Judy,” Daddy crooned in my ear. “It’s gonna be okay. We’ll be okay, just like we were before. You and me, kiddo, we’re gonna be fine.”

  When I stopped crying and went to wash my face, I heard Daddy on the phone.

  “Hey, Karen, it’s Kirk. Is Cassie there with you? Okay, good.... No, that’s all right. I understand. I just wanted to make sure.... Okay, sure. Good. Well, thanks.”

  We ate leftover lentils and rice for dinner, then washed the dishes together, just like always. And even though I knew Daddy was sad, and even though I was sad, it was nice being just the two of us again.

  Me and Daddy, we would be okay.

  PART 3

  MAMA’S NEW LIFE

  18

  “Hey, wait up!” Lee Ann called as I wheeled my bike from the school parking lot. She ran to meet me, her cheeks pink and round.

  “What are you gonna do tonight?” she asked.

  “I don’t know.” I shrugged.

  “Want to go to the mall?” she asked. “My mom said she’ll drive us.”

  Washington Square Mall was to Lee Ann what Mecca is to the Muslims. My dad said that once, and I think it was true. She loved the mall, she worshiped all the stuff there, and she was always dragging me along on her shopping trips. Well, actually they were shoplifting trips. Neither of us had any money, but that didn’t stop us from bringing home things we liked. Usually I took small stuff like lip gloss and hair bands. Lee Ann, though, could walk out of a store with almost anything and no one ever suspected her. She smiled at the clerks and asked about perfume, all the while she had a sweater or a blouse stuffed under her jacket. I admired her, really. She was very good at it.

  But I was getting tired of the mall. It was spring, finally. The mountains of snow had melted and daffodils were poking their heads through the ground. I wanted to be outside after the long winter.

  “I don’t know,” I said. “I was thinking about riding to the park.”

  For my twelfth birthday, Dad had bought me a ten-speed, and I loved it. It was pure freedom to get on that bike and ride. I’d missed it during the long, cold days of winter.

  Dad let me take my bike out, as long as I told him where I was going. Ellenberger Park was a good place to hang out. I almost always saw someone I knew there. And even if I didn’t, I liked riding along the creek, watching the squirrels chitter away at each other.

  “Oh, come on,” Lee Ann said, holding my arm. “They’re having a big sale at Penney’s.”

  “Like it matters if stuff is on s
ale,” I said, grinning at her. “You never pay for anything anyway.”

  “But a sale means lots of people. That makes it easier, you know? And there’s a really cute sweater I saw there. Bright red and cut down to here.” She made a deep V with her fingers.

  She grinned back at me. “I’ll get you one, too.”

  “No,” I said. “I can’t wear the stuff you can.” I glanced at her chest, which had grown a lot since we started junior high.

  “You could if you stuffed your bra,” she said. “Marilyn Kucher does that, and no one even knows.”

  “Yeah, right. Everyone knows Marilyn stuffs her bra,” I said.

  “Well, come anyway and we’ll find something else for you.”

  “Maybe,” I said.

  What I really wanted just then was to be on my bike, riding as fast as I could go. Instead, I was walking it home beside Lee Ann. She didn’t like to ride her bike to school. She didn’t want to get sweaty or mess up her hair. Sometimes I wondered why she was my best friend. We were so different. But, Lee Ann had been my friend since the first day of kindergarten. She knew all about Mama. She’d hold my hand when I cried and stick up for me when other kids laughed about my crazy mother. She loved me.

  We turned onto University Avenue and Lee Ann stopped, taking my arm. “Who’s that on your porch?” she said.

  Even from a distance, I knew who it was. Mama’s blond hair blew about in the wind as she gazed up the block, looking in the opposite direction from where we were.

  “Oh no,” I whispered. “What’s she doing here?”

  “Is that your mom?”

  “Yeah,” I said. My stomach turned flip-flops and I had to stop and steady myself against the bike. I hadn’t seen Mama since she left us after Thanksgiving when I was nine. I’d talked to her on the phone sometimes and she’d written letters. A couple times she said she was going to come visit, but she never did.

  And now, here she was, sitting on my front porch, just as if she belonged there.

  “Shit,” I said.

  “What are you gonna do?” Lee Ann looked from me to the house.

  “I don’t know.”

  “Come to my house.” She pulled at my arm. “We can walk around the other way and she won’t see us.”

  But just then, she turned and looked directly at me. And she smiled.

  “Shit,” I said again.

  She waved at me.

  “Look, you go home and tell your mom she’s here, okay? Ask her to call my dad and tell him. I’ll ... I guess I’ll go talk to her.”

  “Are you sure?” Lee Ann’s eyes were wide.

  “Yeah, it’s okay. She can’t do anything to me now.”

  I squared my shoulders and we walked toward the house, where Mama still sat on the porch swing. When I parked my bike in the yard, she stood up. And then I could see her belly, huge and swollen, like she’d swallowed a basketball.

  “Judy? Oh, God, my Sweet Judy! Look how much you’ve grown.” She reached out and pulled me to her, squishing me against her belly.

  Behind me, I heard Lee Ann’s feet pounding down the sidewalk toward her house. I knew Daddy would be home soon.

  “What are you doing here?” I asked, pulling away from her.

  “I wanted to see you,” she said, sitting back down on the swing and patting the seat beside her. I did not sit down.

  “Where have you been?”

  “Oh, Judy, I’ve been all over,” she said. “You know where I’ve been. I’ve called you, I’ve written.”

  I simply stared at her.

  “Okay, well, I was in Bloomington for a while, and then I went back to San Francisco. But that was just too sad. There was no one there I knew anymore. So I moved to Los Angeles. I wanted to be someplace warm and sunny. I got a job in a bookstore, and that’s where I met Navid. I’ve told you about him, remember? He’s my ... well, I guess you’d say he’s my boyfriend. But that just sounds so ... anyway, we live together now and ...” She patted her stomach and smiled. “We’re going to have a baby!”

  Still I said nothing. I couldn’t think of anything to say.

  Actually, that wasn’t true. I could think of lots of things, like, “Why didn’t you ever come back after you left?” And, “Why the hell do you think you can show up again, just like that?”

  But those weren’t things she’d want to hear.

  “Navid and I got into town yesterday,” she continued. “We’re staying at the Ramada Inn. You’ll meet him later. I thought it might be best to tell you first myself.”

  She paused, looking at me, waiting for me to say something. Finally, she plowed on.

  “So, the baby is due in June—just two more months! You’re going to be a big sister. What do you think of that?”

  “I don’t know,” I said. And that was true. I did not know what I thought of that.

  “Let’s go inside,” she said, glancing at the house next door, where old Mrs. Gagen was peeking at us from behind her lace curtains. I figured she’d probably already called my father.

  I shook my head. “I don’t think you should come inside,” I said. “I don’t think Daddy would like it.”

  “Oh,” she said, looking down at her hands. “Well, then, we can sit here until he gets home, I guess.”

  I stood where I was, my back to the door, watching her.

  “How’s school?” she asked.

  “It’s okay.”

  “I can’t believe you’re in the sixth grade already.”

  “Seventh.”

  “What?”

  “I’m in the seventh grade.”

  “Oh, right ... I’m sorry, I lose track sometimes. You’re just growing up so fast.”

  She smiled at me, but I could see her lip trembling. Her green eyes were too bright. I knew she was trying not to cry. Still, I didn’t sit down by her.

  “What ... what’s your favorite class?” she asked.

  “History,” I said.

  “Oh, good. That’s good. History is important.”

  A long silence followed.

  “And do you ... do you have a boyfriend?” She smiled at me again.

  “God, no!”

  “A pretty girl like you? I don’t believe that.”

  I stared at her. Lee Ann was pretty. Lots of girls in my school were pretty. I was not one of them. I was too skinny and too awkward to be pretty.

  “Who was that with you?” Mama nodded down the block where Lee Ann had gone.

  “Lee Ann.”

  “Oh, you’re still friends.... That’s nice. She’s a nice girl.”

  “Yeah.”

  What I wanted to say was, “How would you know?” The same way I’d asked it three years earlier when she’d talked about scrambled eggs being my favorite. But, I didn’t. Whatever she was going to do next, I sure as hell didn’t want it to be my fault ... again.

  Daddy’s car screeched around the corner and into our driveway.

  “Cassie?” he said, screening his eyes against the late-afternoon sun.

  “Hey, Kirk.” She smiled at him and held out her arms. But he only stood on the steps.

  “What are you doing.... Are you pregnant?”

  “Yep,” she said. “Seven months. I’m due in June.”

  “Who’s ... I mean, oh.”

  “His name is Navid,” Mama said. “I told Judy about him. We’ve been living together for a while and ... well, now I’m pregnant.”

  “Well, congratulations, I guess.” Daddy shifted his weight from one foot to the other. “What are you doing here?”

  “Well, goodness, you’re the second one who’s asked me that.”

  She smiled at me, then at him. “Can’t I come and see my daughter if I want to?”

  Daddy just looked at her for a long minute. Then he turned to me. “You okay?”

  I shrugged.

  “Why don’t you go inside and start your homework,” he said. “I need to talk to your mother.”

  He handed me his house key. I took it, but I w
ondered why he didn’t just let me use the key I always did, the one we hid in the planter by the door. And then I understood—he didn’t want Mama to know the key was there.

  I went inside and up to my room. I didn’t even try to stay close to hear what they were saying. I didn’t want to know.

  After a while, I heard the front door open and Daddy’s steps on the stairs.

  “You okay, kiddo?”

  He was leaning against the doorframe, running his hand through his hair.

  “I’m okay,” I said.

  “Are you sure?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Well, she’s gone back to the hotel,” he said, sitting on the bed beside me. “I told her if she wants to see you, she’ll have to call first and let us know she’s coming. It’s not okay for her to just show up like that.”

  I nodded.

  We sat for a minute, and he said, “So, she’s going to have a baby. What do you think about that?”

  I shrugged.

  “Judy? It’s okay if you’re upset or angry or ... whatever. Whatever you’re feeling is okay.”

  “Whatever,” I said. I wanted him to leave me alone. I needed time to think about it all.

  He kissed my cheek and walked to the door. “Okay, well, I’m here if you want to talk.”

  “Okay.”

  “How about tacos for dinner?”

  I nodded. I wasn’t hungry at all. In fact, I felt sick, like I’d been sucker punched.

  “Dad?”

  He stopped at the top of the stairs. “Yeah?”

  “Can I go to the mall with Lee Ann tonight?”

  He looked at me for a long time and said, “Sure you can, if you want to.”

  “Okay.”

  “Judy?”

  “Yeah.”

  “I love you.”

  “I love you, too, Daddy.”

  19

  “I can’t believe she just came without telling you first.” Lee Ann was trying on lipstick at the cosmetics counter in JC Penney.

  “Yeah,” I said, watching her carefully frame her lips and then fill them with color.

  “How long is she staying?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Are you going to see her again?”

  “I don’t know,” I said again. “Maybe.”