My Reality

by Melissa Rycroft

  Without any prompting, I was just naturally spilling out everything that they wanted from me. It wasn’t until the end, when I started to get angry and shut down, that they had to step in and try to make me do things their way. Even though I felt taken advantage of, once I got some distance from the situation, I wasn’t as angry as I had initially been. I understood that the show’s producers had a job to do. It was just that the way the show was set up, it was inevitable that someone would get hurt. Take a few lonely girls looking for love, mix them up with a little competition under one roof, and put them in the bubble of reality TV, and what do you get: a recipe for disaster! Or, actually, a recipe for complete success, as far as the ratings were concerned.

  What I learned throughout the whole process is that you can force love, never mind what the song lyrics say! It certainly happened to me!

  All it took was a few key elements:

  1. The right frame of mind: In my case, I was just so broken, and all I wanted was to be loved.

  2. The right chemistry: Jason and I were certainly attracted to each other enough that we would have had a few good dates in the real world, even if we didn’t have the deeper connection for the long haul.

  3. The romance factor: Don’t underestimate the powerful combination of a charming guy and some over-the-top, super-romantic dates.

  4. Friendly producers: Their encouragement gave all of us girls just enough of a shove toward Jason to seal the deal.

  Under these circumstances, it was possible to believe in instant true love and pretty much anything else. The only problem was that reality did finally conquer fantasy after a while.

  Once I made peace with all of this, I could even start to be grateful for some of the things The Bachelor had given me. Not only had I been able to move to Los Angeles for two months and meet amazing women, some of whom have become close friends, but I also grew up in so many ways.

  Before the show, I hadn’t traveled at all. During The Bachelor, I took more plane trips in two months than I had ever taken in my entire life. I saw cities I had never seen before. I saw a country I had never seen before! I underwent some once-in-a-lifetime experiences and collected some great stories to tell my grandkids someday.

  I also got a major dose of self-confidence, even if it was sometimes a little wobbly in the immediate aftermath of The Bachelor. When I was younger, I had developed a very unhealthy approach to relationships, which I needed to break before I could have a successful adult relationship.

  Ever since my first breakup from Josh at twenty-two, who I had dated for an epic seven years, I had always tried to hide my pain in something bigger and better, rather than learning to build myself up on my own. After that breakup, the bigger and better thing had been my stint as a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader. After Tye, I was so damaged and hurt all over again that I had tried to lose myself in The Bachelor. I could never get over my breakups because, during the relationships that preceded them, I had given up so much of myself and my independence that it actually felt impossible to just be Melissa on my own. It took me so long to heal from the end of these relationships because, while I was in them, I’d completely forgotten that I had my own wants and needs.

  After I got back from The Bachelor, I was forced to take a long, hard look at what made a good relationship that was worth a real commitment. I realized that the first requirement of such a relationship was that it shouldn’t cause me to lose myself in somebody else. Instead I should find somebody that was my equal, and who I wanted but didn’t need. I once heard a great quote that really speaks to the heart of that sentiment: Young love: I want you because I need you. Mature love: I need you because I want you. Before, I had needed every relationship I was in. But now I was trying to trust myself enough to believe I could want someone but also feel happy and fulfilled on my own if I didn’t have him.

  It’s amazing how truly independent you can be if you just let yourself be. I hadn’t realized how strong I was until I took a step back and analyzed what I had just done. I had moved to a city where I didn’t know anyone, roomed with a bunch of strangers, traveled to exotic places, and lived my own adventure—all on my own! And meanwhile, even while I was living it, I had no idea of the scope of my independence. But looking back, I’m pretty proud of myself for being so brave, even if I didn’t know it at the time!

  These are all lessons that I am grateful for, and I can’t imagine that I would be the person I am now without them. But at the time, they weren’t easy to understand. I was an emotional wreck, full of questions and doubts. Most difficult of all to face up to was the fact that I had set myself up to go through one of the hardest and most painful experiences of my life on national television. I think I had to forgive myself for this decision as much as I had to forgive Jason and everyone involved in the entire process.

  As I made peace with my time on The Bachelor, I was also trying to figure out my feelings for Tye. I had come to realize that I was never in love with Jason. I think the fact that I never mentioned to him that I felt like we were having problems, and the fact that he never mentioned it to me, showed the lack of connection between us. At the time, I felt like I was fighting for the relationship, but looking back, I recognized that I never fought absolutely, 100 percent as hard as I could have, because I didn’t honestly feel like there was anything real between us that warranted a fight. When I compared how heartbroken I was when Tye dumped me to how nonchalant I was when things ended with Jason, I knew that Jason and I weren’t meant to be together. I’m sure that having Tye around at the same time had cushioned the blow some. When the dust settled, I also saw that, somewhere in my heart, I had always wanted Tye all along. You can try pretending to not care about someone you really love, but the charade will always end at some point. I’m a firm believer in fate, and soul mates, and the idea that people who are meant to be together will always find their way back to each other. They may take detours in life, but they always find their way back to their true path.

  The good news was that Tye was still trying incredibly hard to get back into my good graces. He kept telling me that he loved me and was going to marry me. I loved hearing what he was saying—it’s all I had wanted to hear from him for so long. But my heartbreak over him had been so devastating that I was terrified to allow myself to possibly let him hurt me again. I wanted to believe him, but I couldn’t.

  But one good thing, in the midst of all this confusion, was that I had come out of the The Bachelor with a newfound self-confidence. It gave me the ability to talk to Tye freely, like I always should have been able to do. And this allowed me to express my true feelings, which, at this point, were fear and uncertainty.

  “I don’t believe you,” I said. “I don’t trust you.”

  “Tell me what to do,” he said.

  “If you really want this to work, you have to show me,” I said. “I don’t want to hear it anymore, I want to actually see a change. Not a change in you, but a change in us. You know how I feel about you. That’s not a secret. My feelings didn’t just go away, but I want to see it. I want to see the effort. I want to see the change. I need to see the change.”

  “I’ll do anything,” he said.

  “I’m not giving you an ultimatum, by any means,” I said. “But you need to know that this time, if we get together, we’re together. We’re making it work. We’re in a real relationship, and we’re in it for the long haul. I don’t emotionally have it in me to go through another breakup with you.”

  “Absolutely, I’m game,” he said.

  “And I want to know that, as of now, you think that you’re going to be with me forever,” I said. “I don’t need a ring; I’m not talking about a ring. I’m just talking about a commitment.”

  “I’m all for it,” he said.

  No matter what Tye said, given my history with him and the place I was in after what Jason had just done to me, I didn’t feel like I could truly rely on Tye. I assumed that after I had refused his advances maybe two or three times, he would
give up and move on with his life, and then I could move on with mine.

  But Tye was more persistent than ever. And he was a crucial support for me during what was a very painful time. He was incredibly patient, and by being there for me, every day, in all the little ways that he had never been before, he helped me to rebuild my life again. The next thing I knew, I looked at him, and he wasn’t the Tye who I had known for the year and a half that we dated. He was this whole different person that would do anything to be with me and do anything for me. It really was a brand-new relationship. Overnight he became my best friend, and so much more.

  We developed a Monday night routine, where we would hang out together at home, not watching The Bachelor, while all of America was. It was a relief to have his support while I sat cringing at the thought of what everyone I knew was seeing on the show. On the one hand, it was hard to sit in the house, locked up for so long. During the two months that The Bachelor was on, we never went on a date, and we literally couldn’t go anywhere together. Obviously, it kind of would have blown the ending of the show if someone saw us out together. It was difficult to have to keep our romance secret. But it was also the best thing that could have happened to us, in a way, because during this time, we had no choice but to just sit and talk. We got to know each other on an entirely different level. And I also got clear on what I really wanted. This, right here, right now, was what made me happy, starting a relationship with him. I didn’t want to go back on TV and subject myself to public embarrassment again. I wanted to stay in Dallas and build a life with Tye. I suppose it’s no secret that this is what I had always wanted.

  Tye and I really did start a completely different relationship. Before, our big issue had been communication. He didn’t do it, and I didn’t know how to do it. I was scared of confrontation. I don’t think Tye had ever been in a relationship where his girlfriend argued with him. I had never spoken up to him about things that bothered me. It wasn’t worth it to me when I was so afraid of doing anything that might make me lose him. I had kept everything I was feeling inside, and when I finally did let it all out, well, we all know how disastrous that ended up being.

  But as Tye and I built this new relationship, communication between us was effortless. We never even had to discuss how important it was to be open and honest. We started talking to each other in a different way, and saying things that we had never said before. It just kind of became understood that we both had a responsibility to be up-front about what bothered us. And as soon as we started doing that, none of the things that had troubled us turned out to be a big deal.

  Then I realized that just because we disagreed or argued didn’t mean that I was being a brat or that I didn’t love him. In fact, if he or I was always afraid to tell the other person our opinion, that wasn’t a real relationship. The second time around, we could actually ask each other’s opinion and be honest if we didn’t think something was a good idea. I could make fun of him, and he could make fun of me. We could both say anything and everything to each other. And suddenly we were having this mature, adult relationship. I don’t know how it happened exactly, but it did.

  It wasn’t just the communication that was effortless. Everything was easy. We sat in his living room in our sweats and watched TV or talked. I didn’t feel as if I had to make him food or go to Starbucks to get him coffee. I think it was the first time I had ever had a relationship like that, where I just wanted him, and he just wanted me. No muss, no fuss.

  I have to admit that I sometimes got a little frustrated because I knew it could have been this easy a year earlier. I realized that I hadn’t ever really fallen out of love with Tye. As tough as I had played it with him, it was only because I had to in light of my situation. If I hadn’t come back engaged to Jason, I probably would have said my piece to Tye, been mad for a little bit, and then Tye and I would have gotten right back together. But I don’t know if our relationship would have been as strong. I really think that nearly losing each other made us so much more appreciative of what we had the second time around, and so much more careful to make sure we never risked it again.

  Tye and I were a happy couple again by Valentine’s Day. Only this time, it was way different than it had been the year before. Without any prompting from me, Tye planned a Valentine’s date for us. Of course, as long as The Bachelor was still airing, and America still thought that Jason and I were falling in love and on our way to getting married, Tye and I had to keep our relationship hidden. Luckily, Tye’s roommates were all gone that night, so we had the run of the whole condo. He got me dinner—sushi, of course. And then we hooked up his karaoke machine and cranked up the music. I grabbed his roommate’s guitar, and Tye got on the microphone. We sang and danced to all of our favorite songs: “Heads Carolina, Tails California,” by Jo Dee Messina, “Whatever It Takes,” by Lifehouse, and “Apologize” by OneRepublic, among a whole bunch of others. That was our Valentine’s Day the year we got back together. And I couldn’t have been happier. This was how a relationship should be! Effortless and fun!

  While I was over the moon when Tye and I reconciled, my friends Reagan and Stefani were anything but happy. And I could understand why. It was hard for Tye to comprehend the fact that they didn’t like him, though. They were very protective of me, and they had seen the emotional mess he had made of me for a year and a half. They figured he’d probably just hurt me again.

  I had always defended Tye to them, even at my lowest of lows, but they weren’t convinced. I knew he didn’t mean to hurt me or make me cry. Heck, half the time, he didn’t even know he was hurting me or making me cry. And he hadn’t known because I had kept it from him. I never let him see me angry, hurt, or upset. So how could he be expected to know how unhappy I was? Now that he was aware of how much pain he had caused me in the past, he never wanted to let us get back to that place again.

  Although he may not have fully understood why Stefani and Reagan were mad at him, Tye knew it was important to me that they all got along. And he actually took the initiative to make things right with my friends. Big steps here, folks!

  Tye made it his mission to prove to my friends that he had never meant to hurt me and that he would never do it again. This meant the world to me. And it showed me how much he really did care about me and our relationship. But Stefani and Reagan were tired of hearing me defend him, and they needed more. For them to believe it, they had to see it come from Tye. Without telling me, he took them out to lunch and told them that he intended to marry me and make me happy. This was the first step in slowly winning them over, which he committed himself to doing over time.

  Tye could never give me an explanation of what had changed for him or why. But from that first moment he told me that he intended to marry me, everything was different. He went from zero to everything. He gained a selflessness that he had been lacking before. My needs suddenly came before his needs. Everything he did, he did for us and for our future. The whole time I had known him, he had worked for State Farm Insurance, just like his dad did, and he had planned to open his own agency. He was finally getting ready to open his office, and he included me in the entire process. He asked for my advice. He had me go to meetings with him.

  It was a complete turnaround, and it was all instigated by Tye. After I told him what I needed from him to make things work, I didn’t say anything else. I didn’t make him do anything. He just, overnight, became the person I always knew he was underneath.

  One of the most amazing things about Tye is his determination. He sets his mind to something, and by golly, he gets it done! He went to great lengths to prove his love to me. And that included giving up his infamous bachelor life, which he had been living when we dated the first time. Again, this was all his idea. I never once told him what to do. It was important to me that if Tye wanted to make this work, that he made the necessary changes without me forcing anything upon him. I didn’t want him to alter who he was or resent me later. I wanted him to be the one to initiate the changes. And he did.
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  One of the biggest leaps Tye made was moving out of his condo—his bachelor condo. There had definitely been a point in our early relationship when I thought that nothing would ever be able to tear Tye away from his friends and their playhouse. But this time, it was different. He knew that in order for us to move and grow as a couple, he couldn’t keep living his bachelor lifestyle. And it was all his idea. Not only that, he rented an apartment that was within walking distance of mine and a thirty-minute drive to where his friends lived. Talk about making a statement.

  Tye and I were really happy, and our relationship was getting stronger day by day. Things were perfect. The time finally came that we had been waiting for: the airing of the final episode of The Bachelor, followed immediately by “After the Final Rose.” Both were scheduled to air on March 2, 2009. I distinctly remember this date because I had highlighted it on my calendar ever since the taping of “ATFR.” After these two episodes were broadcast, Tye and I could finally let everyone know that we were a couple. Finally, no more secrets, and no more sneaking around. Finally.

  But we first had to get through the night the show aired.

  twelve

  •

  GOING PUBLIC

  I had told Tye that I didn’t think it was a good idea for him to watch the final episode of The Bachelor or the “After the Final Rose” special.

  I mean, honestly, who could really stand to watch the person they’re in love with get engaged to someone else?