by Sienna Hart
“What? Donovan, what is it?”
“I don’t like being the center of discussion, especially when you have no fucking clue what you are talking about.” He leaned into me as he spat his word to me.
“What did I do? I’m trying to know you. You walked away from me earlier if you recall.” I pushed at him with my hands. “I poured my heart out to you and you walked away from me so don’t tell me I’m not trying . . .”
“Maybe I don’t want you to know me. Ever think of that?”
“Then why are you here?”
A door of one of the apartments close by opened and a man looked out into the hallway. He was angry and I knew I was talking way too loud.
“Sorry.” I looked down the hallway before turning back toward Donovan and saw Michael standing only a few feet from me.
“Why are you still here?”
“I need to talk to you.” He grabbed my arm and tried to get me to stay and listen.
Donovan grabbed the opportunity and took off down the hallway. Michael didn’t let me go, despite my attempts.
“Let . . . me . . . go!” I shoved him back and took off after Donovan. Instead of going back down the stairs to the front door, I saw him turn to go up. I looked back and Michael was right behind me. Something was happening, and it was making me feel uneasy. Michael knew something. Donovan was keeping something back, and I was in the middle of it all.
We reached the balcony on the top of the building after running up four more flights of stairs. Out of breath I ran through the door that led to the upper rooftop. Donovan was standing by the edge, and a wave of panic slammed into me.
“Donovan?” I put my hand out as if it would stop him from doing anything stupid. “Donovan, talk to me, please.”
He kept his back to me, his hands in his pockets. The night sky was black as the ace of spades, as if someone plucked each and every star out, one by one. The lights from the streets below cast their eerie glow up enough to illuminate his silhouette, and even thought we could hear the traffic from below, the quiet on the rooftop was strange and unsettling. I heard him take a deep breath in and hold it. I got scared. Was this his last breath? I lunged quickly toward him and grabbed his shirt.
“Please don’t jump!”
He turned toward me and started coughing as a puff of smoke escaped his lips. The smell of marijuana hit me in the face, and I stepped back.
“Relax, officer. I was just letting off a little steam.”
I took a breath and wanted to cry.
“You weren’t going to jump?”
He took another long drag and a deep breath. Holding it he held his pinched fingers out toward me, the half lit joint still smoldering. He let his breath out and smiled.
“Just relieving some stress.”
I crouched down and covered my head with my arms, fighting back the tears. I stood up when I heard him chuckle.
“Want to get some pad thai?” Michael spoke up.
“Sounds perfect.” Donovan walked past me, as if I wasn’t still standing there, shivering from the thought of him jumping to his death.
Chapter 2
The restaurant was quiet. Except for the fact that I was sitting in between Michael and Donovan eating Vietnamese food, I would have been completely fine with the situation. I was still confused as to what was going on, and I knew there was something they weren’t telling me, but I had a feeling it wouldn’t be a secret for long.
“Elise. Look at me.” Michael was direct, and I looked at him as soon as he demanded me to. His eyes were passive and not demanding like they usually were. He looked past me through the window of the restaurant and ducked a little. I saw a few flashes on the walls. “I see the paparazzi are still out, trying to do their dirty little jobs.”
I covered my face with my hand as I took a sip of my ale. Donovan backed up, turned toward the window, looked right at them and raised his middle finger on each hand. With his tongue hanging out I looked at him and couldn’t help but burst out laughing. He turned toward me after they left and I saw his face turn serious real fast.
“Elise. I’m sorry I scared you back there at your apartment. It’s just that everything is getting so screwed up between us, and I need to set everything straight.”
“Okay.” I didn’t like the way this was going.
“I need to tell you something, but you need to promise not to freak out.”
“I . . . can’t . . . promise . . . Donovan, just tell me.”
He looked at Michael, and then back at me.
“I’m gay.”
“Wait . . . what?” I snickered.
“Elise, I’m gay.”
I couldn’t move. It felt like the blood drained from my face. I swallowed repeatedly, trying to choke the words down he just threw at me.
“You . . . you’re . . . you’re gay? But what about . . .”
“Well, bi.”
Was I mad? Hurt? Disappointed? Heart-broken? I had to put this into perspective. Did I love him? I loved his image, his company, and damn was he good in bed . . . or on . . . a bridge.
“I didn’t know how to tell you. We had such a fabulous time together, and I was starting to feel things for you I needed to extinguish.”
“But . . . why? If we were doing well . . . I’m okay with your sexuality, but why can’t you . . .?”
“I’m seeing someone.”
“You . . . you’re seeing someone. So I was just a good time?” I was feeling my anger build.
“No. It wasn’t like that. I didn’t mean for it to happen, but we were having such a good time, I couldn’t help but to love it . . . to love you.”
“So what’s the problem then?”
“I’m in love with my partner.” He put his head down, and although I kept staring, all I got to see was the top of his head.
“Partner. So you are seeing another guy.”
He just nodded without looking up.
“I’m sorry if I hurt you, Elise.” He tried to take my hand, but I pulled back. I sat there and looked at him, trying to find the joke behind his words. I looked at Michael and he had no surprise on his face.
“Michael? Did you know about this?”
He nodded. I pushed my chair back and it hit me hard.
“Wait.” I stood up. “Are you . . .” I pointed at one then the other. “Are you lovers?”
“No. God no. I’m not gay,” Michael immediately said.
“But you knew?”
“I’ve known for quite some time.”
“And you didn’t tell me?”
“I didn’t know you were in love with him.”
I gasped.
“I’m not . . .” I could hardly speak. I turned and ran out of the restaurant, tears welling up in my eyes. I heard them call after me, but I ran down the street without looking back. I heard them running after me. I tried to make it across the side street, but the traffic stopped me. I turned to look behind me and saw the paparazzi running after me.
“Fuck.” I turned and ran down another street and around the corner until I ditched them. I ducked into a small alleyway and waited a few minutes until I thought the coast was clear. I peeked my head out soon after and I saw a couple of guys walking toward me. They weren’t part of the paparazzi, and they looked dark and scary. I ducked back in quickly but they saw me.
“Hey sweet thang. Want some of this, darlin’?”
I was in a bad area and I knew I had to get out of there. Without any more hesitation, I took off out of the alleyway and ran down the street.
“You aint’ gotta run, gorgeous. You can have us both.”
I looked behind me and saw them running after me. A new wave of panic seized me, and it made me run faster. I looked behind me several times but each time they were getting closer. I tried running faster but it wasn’t enough. I felt something grab my hair and pull me backwards. I stopped quickly and fell to the ground.
There were two guys breathing as fast and as hard as I was, looming over me with bi
g smiles on their faces. One of the guys playfully slapped the other one and cleared his throat.
“I never had to work quite this hard to get laid before, but I do hope, for her sake, she is worth it.”
The panic grabbed hold of me deeper as my eyes widened. My brain raced to figure out how to get away from these goons. I felt one of them grab my hair and start to pull upwards. It pushed a pain through my scalp that I wasn’t ready for. I grabbed his hand trying to scramble to get up to ease the pain. When I got to my feet the other guy grabbed my arm and twisted it behind me. His body pressed against my back and his face was on my shoulder.
“Hey. Aren’t you Miss Savannah? Oh man, this is going to be fun.” His sinister laugh made me shiver. “I told you our night was going to get better.” I felt his fingers stroke the side of my arm and slide down, underneath, to my side. I started to pull away, but his fist in my hair tightened and caused a greater pain in my head. “If you know what’s good for you, you won’t struggle.”
“Lis . . . listen guys. You don’t want to do this.” My voice was quivering.
“But you do it with those guys in your pictures. So why not us? We too good for you?” He grabbed my face.
“They’re just pictures to make it look sexy, and . . .”
“Bullshit. You can’t tell me you take those pictures and then walk away from them guys. That shit would make anyone so hot and horny you’d have to fuck ‘em.”
“Hey, look. I have some . . . some cash in my pocket. Just take it and walk away. I’ll let this all go.”
They both laughed as I felt a hand slide into my pockets. His fingers grabbed the cash and pull it out.
“Thanks. I didn’t know you were going to pay us for a good fuck too.”
They pulled me closer to the building we were close to and sandwiched me in between their bodies. They towered over me, and their hands roamed all over my body. I felt one hand on my breast and one on my ass. One hand reached under my chin, lifting my face up. I slammed my eyes closed at the stench of alcohol on their breath. He forced a finger into my mouth and slid it in deep. I gagged and as I opened my eyes quickly he plunged his tongue deep into my mouth. The taste of him made me sick but I fought the urge to pull back. I needed them to think I was going to enjoy it. I let him kiss me and I even faked a few noises.
The guy behind me was grinding his crotch on my ass, and his hands were under my top. He pulled my bra down over my breasts and lifted my shirt, exposing me to the air. As his fingers played and pinched my nipples, I felt small electric shocks jolt through me. I squeezed my eyes shut and fought the arousal. I kept thinking about how revolting these two guys were, how dirty they must be, and what diseases they must have. Nothing worked. My body was betraying me as I felt his hands slide down my stomach and unbutton my pants. His hands slid into them and down further. I felt his fingers feed into my underwear and work their way down between my legs.
Why am I aroused by this? I was sick to my stomach, thinking that my body wanted them to rape me this way. I only wanted to pretend I liked it so they would let their guard down enough that I could get away.
They turned me around so my back was to the other guy now and the one in front of me crouched down, his mouth covering my nipple. He bit me so hard it jolted me back to reality. I looked down and felt the panic again. I felt back in control, so I slid my arms up and down the guy’s legs behind me, and then reached up to put my hands on the other guy’s shoulders. I tucked my elbows and brought my knee up hard and fast in between his legs. As he grabbed himself and stepped back in pain, I brought my elbow up and over my shoulder to the other guy’s nose. I struck him perfectly, heard him swear as he grabbed his face and as soon as they let me go I took off running.
I didn’t bother looking back until I had rounded a few corners. I lost them, so I stopped to catch my breath, fix my clothes and get an idea where I was.
I walked into the apartment, and couldn’t help but feel dirty and violated. Megan was sleeping in her bed so I tip toed past her and went into the bathroom. I closed the door, turned on the shower, stripped my clothes off, and cried for an hour in the hot shower. I felt like my life was so screwed up. Everything was changing so fast and it was hard to keep a sure footing.
Chapter 3
I woke up in a fog. My body ached from sleeping so much, and I wasn’t in a very good place in my head. It had been a week, and I’d barely left my apartment. Everything was so screwed up, and I couldn’t pull myself out of the funk I was in. All I could think about was how I became famous with the help of Michael Chang. He made me feel I should be indebted to him for giving Mr. Masters my portfolio and advice to hire me.
I kept thinking about Donovan and how hard I fell for the wrong guy, when all along I honestly thought he was the right one, the perfect one. I kept thinking back on the times we spent together and everything worked, everything fit. We laughed together, the sex was phenomenal, we were spontaneous, and we looked forward to each other every time we got together. So how the hell did I miss the signs? Was I that naïve, that I couldn’t have stopped my heart from opening up to him?
My life was changing so fast, and I didn’t think I could keep a grip on it all. There were always going to be guys like those two who tried to rape me, who would think they could put their hands on me or treat me the way they wanted to. Did I honestly want to live that way? Could I really handle being a model and actor like I thought I could? Things were so much simpler when I was young and dreaming about it.
I kept my ringtone on vibrate so I wouldn’t be bothered. The few times I looked at my phone, I saw that Master Enterprises had called a couple of times. Since I connected them to Michael and I was disgusted with him and Donovan at the present time, I didn’t want anything to do with any of them.
Megan texted me to tell me she was staying with Natasha for a few days so I had the apartment to myself. I flipped through my pictures and website a couple of times and wondered what I was really doing with my life. The pictures portrayed me as . . . not a porn star, but definitely someone who was looked at in a sexy or sexual manner. I could bet hundreds of guys were jerking off to images of me, and when I looked at it that way it made me feel trashy. Miss Savannah never should have happened, but I was so desperate for money when Bohemian Style closed its doors with my money still in their account that I was willing to do just about anything to make it, never dreaming it would take off like it did. It was the wrong kind of exposure. I was wrong for doing it.
I only planned on taking a couple of days to myself, but when my voice mail reached its limit and my email inbox was maxed out, I started getting visitors at the door. The first few times, I didn’t answer at all, and they went away. But the next day, I wasn’t so lucky.
I was lying in my bed, my stomach was grumbling, and I was starting to smell parts of my body I shouldn’t have. It was pushing toward noon, and I spent my morning staring out the small window next to my bed. It was my favorite past-time the last few days. My last meal consisted of a few ketchup packets and some milk that was pushing the expiration. There was no food left, and all I could think about was moving back home to Iowa.
The knock on the door was hard and direct. I ignored it, hoping it would stop, but the second time it was louder and bolder.
“Elise.” It was Lillian. “We know you’re in there.”
“Please let us in?” Isabel asked.
I didn’t move anything except for my head toward the door.
“If you don’t let us in, we will get someone who will.”
I rolled my eyes and forced myself to sit up. I was weak and very tired. Another knock at the door came just as loud as the last one.
“Elise you can’t stop living and expect it to be okay.” There was a hesitation. “Fine; you leave us no choice.”
I took a deep breath and heard them talking to each other.
“Please hurry. What if something happened to her?”
I heard a key in the lock and some fumbling befor
e the door opened. Lillian, Isabel and Megan rushed in. The super of the building stood out in the hallway shaking his head before walking away.
The girls saw me and rushed to my side.
“What the hell happened to you?” Megan sat next to me and waved her hand in the air crinkling her nose. “Jesus Christ, Elise, have you showered at all since I saw you last?”
I just looked at her. I must have looked like death from the way they were staring at me.
“Have you been sick?” Lillian sat on the floor in front of me putting her hands on my knees.
“You look like hell.”
I sat there and listened to them worry, criticize and fuss over me. A few times their words fuzzed together and I had a hard time focusing.
“I’m going to the store. There’s nothing here.” Lillian was in the kitchen looking through my cupboards and refrigerator.
“I’ll get her in the shower.” Megan was sprinting to the bathroom to get the shower ready for me.
“Elise?” Isabel sat next to me rubbing my back. “We are really worried about you. Please talk to me. What happened?”
I slowly looked at her and tears welled up in my eyes. My vision blurred from them and I blinked setting them free to flow down my cheeks.
“Oh baby. What’s wrong? Please talk to me. We are here to help you.”
“I just . . . want to go home.”
Isabel pulled my head to her shoulder and coddled me. It felt good feeling her fingers stroke my hair. I sobbed and let the pain flow over.
“Come on, let’s get you cleaned up.” Megan helped me up and I followed her to the bathroom. “Lillian will have a hot meal ready for you by the time you get out of the shower, and we are going to have a long talk.”
I nodded as I pulled my clothes off my body. I looked in the mirror for the first time in a week and couldn’t believe what I saw. My face was sunken, there were black circles around my eyes, and my hair was a matted mess. I reached up and touched my face, wanting to cry again.
