Family Ties (Hidden Secrets)

by Belden, P. J.

  “Do you think I’m in here to sign autographs? Do you think I just felt like I had nothing better to do, why not go to the hospital at night and sign fu-” I was cut short when my brother came in and pulled me into his arms and I started to bawl.

  Jake approached the man, “I’m sorry about that. My sister’s boyfriend was shot tonight and we are unsure if he is going to make it. I would appreciate it if you can give our family a little privacy in the matter. Any other time any of us; Colt, Carson, Jeff, Mylee, myself and even Mary, would have been more than grateful to sign autographs, but this is not any other time and I would hope you could understand that.”

  The man nodded his head and apologized. Every other person in the room watched as the Williams family huddled around me trying to bring me comfort in my time of need.

  I felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. I paced the room. My brothers tried to get me to sit down and I would fight them. What I wanted was to hear something and I wanted to hear something now. It had been two hours since they took him back for surgery. Why haven’t they come to tell me anything at all yet? The saying always went, ‘No news is good news’, but I wasn’t so sure that was true in this case. By not giving any news means they are working too hard to take away from it and meant he was struggling for his life. He had to be okay. I couldn’t make it through life without him. It wasn’t just me anymore. We are going to have a baby. I wanted our baby to know what an amazing father they have.

  Putting my hand to my stomach, “What if he doesn’t make it? He might die because of me.” I said to no one specifically, but Jeff came forward and put his hand on my belly.

  “You and this little one will always have us no matter what. He is in God’s hands now. No matter what happens today, we are always here for you, the baby and Tobey. We love you all.” I hugged my brother. Never in my life have I been so scared, the worst I’ve ever been. My life hung in the balance today.

  A doctor appeared in the doorway in scrubs and I froze and tensed.

  “Tobey Young’s family?”

  I walked forward and looked at him already knowing what was going to be said, I could see it in his eyes. The tension hung heavy and thick and I started to shake while everyone circled around me.

  “I am sorry ma’am, but the damage was too bad and he lost too much blood. I’m so sorry for your loss.”

  My knees gave way and I screamed loudly. For as I screamed my heart stopped beating in my chest. I lost him. I lost him before I could really have him. We had so much we were looking forward to but not now. Now I had nothing to look forward to but pain.

  ** *** ** *** **

  I woke shaking with tears streaming down my face. The loss was so heavy. It consumed me and made it very hard to breathe. My heart was beating fast and I felt dizzy. It took me several minutes to remember where I was at. I ran for the nearest trash can. My life has changed so much over such a short span of time.

  I thought that life was pretty crazy watching Kayla fight for freedom and pretend that everything in her life was perfect. It wasn’t perfect, but she did not want to burden anyone with her problems, especially when Kayla was already fighting for her life. Life has not been perfect for me or my sister. We’ve had to fight every step of the way. I was able to keep mine at bay most times as long as I did what I was told when I was told to do it. Kayla could not control hers and because of that she never knew what was going to happen.

  Fear was a motivator unlike any other, and it came in many forms. Kayla’s fear was different than my own. I had felt two kinds of fear in my life. I had feared for my life when Kyle was after me and then I had feared for my heart when Tobey was shot. Life would never be the same because of both fears. The new saying I’ve learnt is that ‘everything changes and nothing stays the same’. But even change is scary.

  Putting the trash can down, I walked back over to my chair. He frowned at me, “You have another bad dream?” I could only nod. The feeling of loss still heavy on my heart and a fresh round of tears started to fall. “Come here.” He said softly. I immediately got up and curled up next to him. “You are not losing me. I’m right here. Only a shot in the shoulder and you heard the doctor, I will be back to normal before we know it. You need to quit having these nightmares. Think about our baby that will be here before we know it.” He placed his hand on my stomach and said just above a whisper, “Our baby. Wow, I am going to be a dad. I wish my parents could have been here to see it.”

  Looking up at Tobey, I knew that this was going to be hard for him. I had an idea that might help him, but I wasn’t sure if he would object or not. Maybe I shouldn’t say anything. No, if I learned anything from these recent experiences it is to never take a day for granted.

  “Tobey, I have an idea to run by you. I am not sure you will agree with it or if it’s stupid, but um, maybe we could get a picture of them to show our kids so they know them even though they will never meet them? It’s just an idea.” I looked back up at him and saw tears glisten in his eyes.

  “I love that idea. I… thank you, sweetheart. That means a lot to me.”

  Life was now about something new. It was about love and growing; no fear. Well, not the type I was feeling. I worried about being a good mom, but what new parent didn’t worry about that? I knew that above all my love for Tobey and his love for me would carry us through all that we have faced. We will do it standing strongly together. Life was finally getting better.

  “I love you, Tobey.”

  Tobey leaned down and kissed me, “I love you too, sweetheart.”

  Epilogue

  Mary

  Sitting here at the table, I listened to Tobey and Jackson talk about one of Carson’s old fights. Apparently Tobey had been to see several of Carson’s fights. If Jackson loved anything it was to talk about his siblings. He loved to talk to about anyone other than himself.

  Watching him closely as he listened to Tobey intently, he thought no one saw the sadness in his eyes but we all did. He has convinced himself that we haven't paid attention, thought we couldn't see his pain, but we could and we all want to know what it is. What caused my loving big brother to shut down like he has?

  Tobey leaned over kissing me as he left to run out and help with the chores. As we left the hospital, he told me that just because he was hurt didn’t mean that he was allowing me to do anything. In fact, he told me flat out that I wasn’t allowed. He didn't lie to me either. He wasn't letting me do a damn thing. As much as it irritated me, at the same time I was scared to do anything. Losing out baby was traumatic and now I worry about losing Tobey too.

  Watching him get shot… that about killed me. As much as he kept telling me that I was his everything, he was my more. More life, more breath, more smiles, more love… If I’d lost him, I’d have nothing more. His arm was still in a sling, but he didn’t let it stop him from pulling his weight around the ranch. I worry when he’s out of my sight. I worry that something might happen.

  Now here my brother sat trying to act normal, but I saw his face. Every time Tobey put his arm around me, kissed me…even his laugh didn’t seem happy. Jackson was hurting and he was doing it alone. That broke my heart.

  “What are you thinking about that has you frowning?” Jax said breaking into my thoughts.

  “You.”

  “Me? Why me?” He asked, shocked.

  Standing, I walked over to him and hugged him. When I sat back in the chair next to him, he smirked at me.

  “What’s wrong Jax?”

  “What do you mean?” He laughed but looked confused.

  “You're sad about something. I can see it in your eyes.”

  He stood, walking to the sink to rinse out his cup. “I’m fine Mare.”

  For whatever reason, the sadness overwhelmed me and tears fell. Jackson turned around shocked by my crying. I ran over to him and hugged him tightly.

  “Hey what’s wrong with you? You know how it hurts me to see you cry.” He said, his voice cracking a bit.

/>   It was true he hated seeing any of us girls cry but more so when I did. It often got me to be able to do a lot when he was in charge of us kids. I was quite the actress when I was younger. He was putty in my hands then and even was now.

  “You're hurting and I don’t know why or how to help you. You won’t talk to me and it’s breaking my heart,” I sobbed into his chest.

  “Shhh,” he stroked my hair. “Remember how you were so lost, but wouldn’t let us in until you were ready?” I nodded my head but didn't move from his embrace. “I’m not ready to be found yet.” He whispered kissing the top of my head. “I’m just not ready yet.”

  “When will you be?” I asked pulling back and looking up at him with tears in my eyes.

  “I don’t know, but when I am…” He didn’t finish his sentence.

  He didn’t need to. I knew what he was going to say. Even when he was ready, he may not ask for help. The thought hurt more than just not knowing.

  After a few more minutes, Jackson left to make a stop at Kayla’s before heading home. This is what he did every day. He stopped at Carson’s and spent time with Colbie. Then he’d come here and spend time with me. Last stop was with Kayla before going home alone and doing…I just don’t know what.

  He deserved love to, but telling him that would do me no good because he’d just tell me that he’s better off alone. My brother was too good to be alone. He needed someone to share his life with, to start a family with. Jackson needed someone.

  Climbing in bed tonight, I was in a sour mood. Tobey immediately questioned me. In our therapy sessions we were told to never go to bed angry and to talk about things. Though I wasn’t mad at Tobey, I was still angry. So we talked about Jackson.

  “Baby, I know you want him to as happy as you are. It’s only natural I would think, but he’s got to want that for himself too. If he doesn’t, you can’t push it.”

  I sighed. “I know, but Tobey… He’s so sad. It breaks my heart.”

  “He’s got one hell of a family around him. I’m sure he’ll have his moment when he’s suddenly smacked over the head by a girl just like I was.”

  “Oh I about smacked you too,” I grinned.

  “Ah, there’s that beautiful smile I love so much.”

  “Thank you,” I whispered before kissing him.

  “Mmmm, I love thank yous. I’ve been a really good boy today. Can I get an even better thank you?” He wiggled his eye brows.

  Laughing, I curled in next to him. Maybe Tobey was right. Maybe it’d just take the right girl to knock him on his ass to break him out of his funk. With all my heart, I hope she comes along real soon.

  Tobey lifted my lips to his and kissed me deeply. All thoughts stopped. The only thing that remained was Tobey. My world changed because of one moment. All the moments that followed were all because of two hearts that only beat when they are together. I was his everything and he was more. No matter where our path leads, together we can stand against anything.

  Acknowledgements

  This journey has been such and amazing experience for me. I have learned so much, but nothing has been more important than finding belief in myself. Belief that if I work hard enough anything is possible. This lesson was not an easy one for me to learn, but the people that I have come across along the way have been such amazing support that it became easier. I want to take this time to thank a few of them. They deserve to be acknowledged.

  First, I want to start off with my girls Kayla, Kristy, Leanne, Renee, and Mechelle. The endless support and help with making my books polished has been amazing, but it is your friendship and our endless conversations, full of laughter, that have meant the most to me. If I could say one thing to each one of you that you remember it would be this:

  We all fight our own demons and struggle down our own paths, but with amazing people to light the way makes even the darkest days seem bright.

  Thank you so much ladies, truly from the bottom of my heart, you guys are aces in my book!

  To Vicky, oh girl what can I say to you that I have already said a million and one times? You have been walking right along side me from the very beginning. Our endless chats about books and book boyfriends to your encouraging words with each of my books. I can tell you right now that Jake will not be enough thanks for everything you’ve done for me, but I think he’ll keep you occupied enough. HA!! I love you girlie!

  To Kylie and Ashley, oh Lord what dare you say to to two crazy chicks? How about I lubbers you both so much! Yeah I think that’s a safe topic. Haha. You girls are like the best friends that a girl could ask for! You’ll be forever in my heart and I will always be there for you!

  To Allison, Man girl what can I say… You are one of the best freaking people I have ever met. I’m so grateful to call you a friend. Our conversations cover such random topics, but we bonded over books and you entered my heart because of the amazing person you are. Don’t change. I’m always here no matter what. <3 Hugs! <3

  To Shannon, we’ve been walking the same path, but at different times, always seeming to miss each other. Behind you, you leave a trail, a brightness, from your beautiful heart and loving personality. From the moment I met you til now, you have made an imprint on my life and on my heart that will forever remain. I don’t know what I can say to show you how much you mean, but from every text or message…the light you give grows brighter. I love you girl! *psst* Jack’s waiting…hehehe

  To Kaylie, My dear sweet, loveable Kaylie. You are just…simply…I’m at a loss for words. You’re friendship has been a guiding light as I weaved my way through my path and there is no way I can thank you for that. The strength you carry about you day in and day out is astounding and even more inspiring. Girl you are one cool chick! I love ya! Here’s to more time with laughs and inspiration.

  To Jennifer, Shawna, Kia, Amber, Kim, Michelle, Kerry, Jamie, (crap I know I’m forgetting someone), you girls are simply amazing. Each of you sprout wings and share you beautiful personalities with the world on a daily basis. Don’t let anything dim your lights. You are ALL in my heart and I’ll always be here when you need me and even when you don’t. <3 you all bunches!

  To the Beta Ladies, you girls are one hell of an amazing group of women. Each of you so unique and talented, I’m winded by your support and guidance. I wouldn’t be here without each of you. So from my heart to all of you, Thank you so much!

  To my Readers, what can I say. Without you guys, I wouldn’t be writing this out to begin with. I’d still have all these books sitting in a notebook on my shelf never to see the light of day. Because of all of you, I continue to type them out and thank you from the bottom of my heart for allowing me to do something that I love. Each of you have touched my heart in a way I can’t describe. Thank you, thank you, thank you! <3 Hugs! <3

  I am sure there are people that I’m missing and I’m so terribly sorry if I did. Please know that you are still important to me and always will be (even if I spaced and didn’t get you on the list). Thank you for reading another one of my books…Here’s to the next one y’all!!! *waves*

  About Author

  P.J. lives in Indiana with her husband and three amazing children. She has two dogs; a four year old Siberian Husky and an almost two year old Black Lab. Her kids keep the days pretty busy, but at night or when they are at school she can be found sitting at her computer typing away or sitting somewhere curled up reading a book.

  P.J. has always wanted to be a writer, but it was put on the back burner while life took her through the flips and turns. Now that her kids are all in school and there is a little more 'free' time to put into writing, she’s put her writing back in the oven and has been cooking ever since.

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