by Becky Wicks
'We'll see you soon, love,' Denzel says as he walks at my side with Zayne, who's carrying my camera bag. 'God, what a fuck up, eh?'
I go to reply, but I see Noah and my words get stuck. He's talking to Courtney. I'm pretty sure they're going their separate ways. Jeremy says she'll go with the tour bus to Denver and then fly back to Tampa. I feel bad. I feel a million things. She sees me looking and before I can divert my eyes she's walking up to me. Zayne catches my arm, puts my camera in the car.
'I'll always think you're amazing, Chloe Campbell,' he says sincerely. 'But I kind of knew you were hiding something.'
'Zayne, I wasn't hiding anything,' I tell him, flustered.
'Maybe not intentionally. You're like this locked up room at the top of a tower that I could never climb,' he says thoughtfully, and then grins. 'I'm writing a song about you, too. I'm not as good as Noah, but a guy can always try, right?'
I don't miss the double meaning in his words as he winks and kisses my cheek and I notice he's stuck his weird nail back on already. 'I'll be watching out for your work too, OK? You're a talented woman.'
'Chloe, hey, can we talk.' Courtney. She's got a bright neon pink scarf on. Everything about her is loud; even The Great Catsby as he purrs over one of her arms again. I fish the car keys out of my pocket and hug Zayne goodbye. 'I still want to do my blog piece,' she tells me quickly.
'Are you serious?' I say. I can feel Noah watching us as Zayne walks away.
'I don't even need your time,' she replies. 'Look, I started writing this about a week ago. I want you to publish it. Will you do that?' She pushes a piece of paper into my hand, then moves Catsby over one shoulder and pats him like he's a baby. 'I just finished it off. Seemed like a good enough time.'
'I'll read it later if that's OK?' I say, folding it up and putting it in my camera bag. 'Look, Courtney. I'm sorry...'
'Don't be,' she says, smiling for half a second. 'God, Chloe, you've probably got more to deal with than I have right now. I freaked out back there like a douchebag but you know what? I was actually getting kind of sick of all this bollocks, as Denzel would say.' She sighs, looks over her shoulder. 'You win some, you lose some, I guess. Good luck babe, OK?'
To my total surprise she leans in, drops a kiss on my cheek and then walks past everyone with Britney, back towards the set. I'm actually stunned. Courtney Lentini just gave up without a fight. Mind you, though, it sounds like she doesn't really have a choice. My stomach fills with fear and dread, and butterflies.
The two policemen have started their own engine. Aaron's in their car waiting, but just as I go to get into my car, Noah steps in front of me. He puts a hand on the roof and blocks me. He's so close I can practically feel electricity bouncing off him and my pulse spikes in a heartbeat. 'So, you're just gonna go without talking to me?'
'I'm not talking to you here,' I say, gripping my keys. 'There's too much going on, Noah.'
'I want to see you tonight, at home.' His eyes are full of fire.
I look at the floor. 'Your family will want you to themselves.'
'Don't push me away, Chloe!' He slams his fist on the car, making me jump. 'Seriously, what do you want me to do now? Do you really think I'm gonna let you leave things like this? We're talking, tonight. At my house.'
'I told you I can't live in your world...'
'And I'm telling you you're gonna have to.'
'I don't have to do anything. Look how fucked up this all is, Noah!' I gesture to the police car.
'The notes weren't about us!' he yells, grabbing my hand. 'This will be over soon and no one cares what we do! Not everything's fucked up. You're making excuses, you know you are.'
I can feel people are staring at us again. I meet his stormy eyes, ready to yell at him, but the thunder in them shocks me. My insides crumble. I almost cave in but I don't. I need more time. I just need to think. I need to talk to Alyssa. Maybe the drive will help.
'Look, tell Jack to drive safe, OK,' I say, pulling back my hand and sliding past him into the car. He bangs on the window at me one time with his fist, but I start the engine and in seconds I'm following the police car on the way back to Boulder.
44
Noah
The I-70 is the longest road ever. It never used to be. When we're almost on the outskirts of Boulder I zone out, staring at the mountains; the way the trees dot the snow on the peaks like ice-cream toppings. I wrote a song about them once, as me and Chloe drove back from a trip with some of the guys. We camped out in Roosevelt National Forest. That was one of the only times I can think of when that dick head Cooper wasn't with her and when I wasn't with anyone else, either.
I remember what she was wearing -- denim shorts and a red shirt with cowboy boots. She never took those boots off, that summer. I remember us singing all the way there and all the way back, crammed in the back seat with my guitar. I remember she fell asleep against me by the fire that night, wearing my gray sweater. I sat there drinking beer with my arm around her, breathing in her blueberry scent, talking shit. I've always wanted her near me; even before that night in the tree house. I guess I never let myself want her enough, till now. Now I can't help it. I slam my fists on the dash in front of me and Jack jumps.
'Chill man,' he says.
'Sorry. I can't stop thinking about it.'
Even in the tree house, the first time I threw myself on her, dangled that damn lace into her mouth and ate my way down, I didn't want to stop. Then her dad died and we made love and I never fought for her, even when she went back to Cooper. I shoved that night to the back of my head, locked it in a drawer, boarded it up as best I could. It felt like she needed me more as a friend and then it just got too late, and now this fame stuff terrifies her. It terrifies me, too.
'They're gonna catch this chick, don't worry,' Jack says. 'And as for Chloe, she'll talk to you tonight.'
'I don't think she wants to,' I tell him as my phone buzzes. It's Courtney.
If you change your mind, I'm here. U r a real legend, Noah Lockton x
Woah. I switch to my Twitter feed, wade through the fan love and read the ones she's posted. Sad faces. A cheesy poem. The opposite of what she's saying to me in a mash of the usual emjoi-riddled bullshit. Still, I guess I can't blame her. She told me she wasn't surprised about Chloe.
'I need my phone, can you reach it?' Jack asks me, but when he sees I'm texting he undoes his seatbelt and reaches for it himself. 'I have to tell Dani I'll be at mom and dad's tonight. That OK? If I stay with my superstar little brother?'
I smile at him wearily, but as he fishes for his phone I notice the car behind us, a silver SUV not unlike Jack's battered green one is getting stupidly close to our tail. 'Who the hell is that?'
I spin around in my seat as Jack eyes it up in his wing mirror. When the driver gets within what must be an inch of our backend my throat goes dry and my ears buzz. I see the driver's face. 'Holy shit, Jack...'
'What is it?'
'It's her... it's that Teri chick. Aaron's ex.' I grip the dashboard, look closer in the mirror.
'Are you serious? I mean, are you sure?'
'Yes I'm sure! What the fuck is she doing?'
Jack speeds up, but Teri does the same behind us. I can see her face, steely determination written all over it. 'She's not slowing down!' Jack yells as we round a corner way too fast. The stones on the road go flying. There's ice on the ground. But it doesn't matter how Jack's driving because Teri's coming up so fast behind us and overtaking on the inside. There's not enough room on the bypass.
'She's crazy!' Jack shouts but I don't hear what comes next because we're rammed from the side and Jack's swerving, heading at over forty miles an hour towards a row of trees. I hear myself yelling at the top of my lungs.
Jack's yelling too as his foot goes down on the brake but I have no idea what either of us are saying because the world slows down like a video clip playing half speed, the trees get way too close for comfort, Chloe's laughing eyes flash to the forefront of my brain and
then... nothing.
45
Chloe
I'm almost back in Boulder when I realize I don't have the police car behind me anymore. I guess I must have lost them, or maybe they stopped again for gas or something. We already made a two hour detour in Denver while they checked in with the station and asked me more questions and I'm exhausted. I barely slept last night. Noah's song is still going round in my head.
I'm bound to my shadow
I'm stitched and tied and stuck like glue
This Peter Pan is all grown up
But I'll never grow out of you.
I can still see the hurt in his eyes when I acted like I didn't want to talk to him. Maybe it's the road, or the drive but I've been thinking for some reason about the time we went camping at Roosevelt National Forest. Cooper didn't come but it meant I rode with Noah and the guys and we made up songs the whole way there. We laughed so hard that weekend.
I remember Noah singing late into the night, until the ghost stories started around the fire. I remember how he pulled me against his shoulder and played with my hair and I pretended to be asleep because I knew that if I woke up, he would stop. We shared a tent and when I woke up in the night he was spooning me with his arm around me over the sleeping bag. For a sleepy split second I thought 'Cooper hardly ever spoons me, this feels really nice.' And then I realized it was Noah.
What have I done?
I notice my phone on the seat next to me. I forgot to switch it off silent mode and the Commander's name is flashing on the screen. I ignore the call, keep on driving. I'll be home soon enough. But she calls again and I pull to the curb in annoyance, only to find she hangs up just as I'm about to answer. When I pick it up, what I see on the screen makes the world fall in and out of focus. Tweets and news alerts; a stream of them, all in the space of ten minutes.
Noah Lockton presumed dead! #LocktonTragedy
Fatal car crash claims America's new hero! #noahlocktondead
Breaking news! @NoahLockton dead in shock accident.'
My body feels like I've been whacked with a baseball bat. I scramble for the door handle, fling it open and practically fall out of the car. I need air but I can't even stand. I double over, drop to the floor against the front tire. I can hardly breathe. I gasp as my phone rings again in my hands but all I can do is stare unseeingly at the screen until it stops, willing my mind to focus.
No. It's not true. It's not true. We were just speaking. We were just together!
I fumble for the contacts, call Noah. 'Come on, come on, pick up!' My voice is breaking more and more with every word. I'm hot and cold at the same time -- the phone goes straight to voicemail. Please God, this can't be true. This isn't real. No, no, no, no, no, no!
I call my mom and she answers straight away. 'Oh, my baby, you're OK. You're OK, where have you been? They're at the hospital. Craig Hospital in Englewood...'
'Mom, no!' I try to stand but the phone falls out of my hands as I fall to the ground again, press my head to the cold, dry earth and pray again for it to open, suck me in. I want it to take me back in time. A young woman pulls up her car behind me, runs to help me to my feet.
'Honey, what's wrong?'
'Noah,' I say. I can't even walk. I feel like an alien in my own body.
'Noah Lockton? Oh God, I heard the news just now,' she says. 'So sad. I can't even imagine what his family must be going through. Did your car break down? Do you live in Boulder? Come on, I'll take you home.'
'No!' I say, suddenly focusing, looking straight into her shocked face. I have to go there. I have to see him, even if he's...
I can't even finish the sentence in my brain. Ignoring the woman I grab my phone, throw myself back in the car, slam the key back into the ignition and speed off along the highway. Time blurs as I drive. Every breath feels like I'm sucking up all the air in the car. I lost him. I really fucking lost him. I was distancing myself from him on purpose, acting like a bitch towards him, hurting him so he couldn't hurt me. I was pulling away, like Madeline did; ignoring the waves on the shore coming at me and coming at me. Now they'll never come for me again. And now I'll hurt forever. I'll die like this...
I don't even know how I manage to reach the hospital but when I get to the entrance there are policemen fending off a crowd of screaming, sobbing people, flashing lights and even more flashing cameras.
I pull up, fling open the door and stumble blindly out of the car as a swarm of paparazzi surrounds me, flashing my face, my muddy clothes, my tears. They're shouting my name. I cover my face, battle through them. 'Get away from me!' I yell, just as a pair of strong arms snake around me and Cooper lifts me up.
Cooper's here. I can't even think about why. I'm in the air now, pressing my face against his neck as he walks me through the double doors. He's holding my head, helping to cover my face. 'I've got you, baby,' he says, but they're scrambling around us, shoving mics at me:
'Chloe Campbell, what's happening? Chloe, did you see the car? Chloe, did you get to say goodbye?'
I squeeze my eyes shut. I still can barely breathe. I can't remember what time it is, what day. All I can see is Noah; his eyes, his face, leaning on my car begging to talk to me. I wouldn't let him. He wanted me and I said he couldn't have me, when he already had me. He's had me since I was seventeen, since he loved me like no one else has ever fucking loved me. All I want is him. All I want is Noah.
'I was in the area, I came when I heard,' Cooper says. 'I'm so glad you're OK. I was waiting for you...'
'Where is he?' I croak. My voice doesn't sound like my own.
People are still following me, ignoring security, trying to flash my face but a nurse clocks who I am and ushers us through into an elevator with her. Cooper puts me down but I'm leaning against him as the door is slammed in what looks like a hundred desperate faces.
We're led down a corridor and into a small, pale blue room. Instantly I see Anne sitting on a couch. She's crying. Noah's dad gets up, holds his hands out to me and I'm almost sick as my heart splinters and tries to exit through my mouth. I hold my stomach, willing myself not to vomit as Cooper puts his arms around me again. Oh shit... shit, shit, shit I'm gonna die like this, and I want to. I have nothing without him.
'Chloe?' The door opens again behind me and the sound of my name makes me freeze.
My eyes almost bulge out of my sockets. I'll shoot my own brain for playing tricks on me if what I'm seeing isn't real. He's standing here, eyes bloodshot, a bloody mark on his face. His shirt is ripped at the shoulder.
'Noah?'
46
I practically pass out at the same time as I run to him. He catches me as I throw my arms around him, breathing him in, inconsolable. I hold him even tighter as his arms wrap around me, kissing his neck, kissing his hair, pulling away and kissing his forehead, his ears, his nose. 'I thought you were dead,' I cry, 'I thought you were gone...'
'Jack's in surgery,' he manages to say. He winces at my touch, just as two police officers walk in through the door with Dani. I freeze like I've been tasered. She looks white as she's led to another chair and Anne rushes to her side.
Jack?
Noah covers his face with his hands. 'What have I done, Chloe?'
'Sssh, it's OK.' I pull him to me again in shock and sink with him to the floor. 'Jack,' I say out loud. It's a question and a statement.
'He wasn't wearing his seatbelt,' Noah tells me and I can hear his soul screaming through each sob that's shaking his body. Adrenaline is ricocheting through me as I hold him, carry on kissing him and shushing him.
'Some guy at the scene saw Jack and reported it as Noah, and word spread. It all got out of hand,' Cooper explains, sitting on the couch with his elbows on his knees, watching us. My brain struggles to comprehend what he's telling me, as well as the fact that Cooper is actually in the room. He hasn't tried to see me in months. 'It was the chick who's been sending your death notes,' he adds. 'She was following them.'
'She ran us off the road,' Noah manages an
d my blood runs cold as another nurse walks in with a clipboard. Her gray hair is up in a bun. Anne stands up with Cooper straight away. I hear Noah inhaling gulps of air.
'The bleeding is under control,' the nurse says, and both Dani and Noah cover their faces instantly. 'It looks like he's in the clear in that respect, but he has a fractured pelvis and humerus. He's also broken three ribs. You can see him now but keep in mind he needs a lot of rest. He was actually extremely lucky. If that car had been going any faster, or if the airbag hadn't been working...'
All I can register as she speaks right now is Noah's hand in mine like a vice. He strides with me to the door, into the corridor and into the room next door, where Jack's hooked up to a number of machines with a tube sticking out of his chest. The room feels too small, too white, too lifeless. Two more nurses carry on with their monitoring around him as we approach the bed.
'Oh, man, I am so sorry, Jack, I'm so sorry,' he cries, reaching for his hand over the blue blankets. 'I'm so glad you're OK. I'm so sorry.' He lowers his head to the bed and I put a hand to his back instantly. One of the nurses stares at Noah a little longer than she should, but he doesn't notice.
Jack has a bandage round his head and chin. He looks so pale, almost a ghost in his own skin. His right arm is in a sling. He can barely speak but I can see him squeezing Noah's hand back as the others walk up beside us. Dani lets out a sob, almost as loudly as a scream is emitted outside the window. The crowd is going crazy and Noah's balling his other fist. He sits up, eyes blazing as he swipes at them. 'I have to go talk to them.'
'Who, the press?! Noah, no!' I pull him back by his belt as he goes to walk out, stand in front of him, finding my voice. I can hear the people from here, through the window, talking and shouting. I can still hear the cops trying to move them away. 'No, Noah, you don't have to talk to anyone, save it, please,' I say, swiping at my own face, putting my hands against his chest. 'You don't owe anyone anything!'
