by Becky Wicks
As the words come out of my mouth a tsunami of pain floods over me and I feel like I'm swimming up for air. I stumble against him, searching his bloodied face, pressing a hand to his cheek. 'I'm so sorry,' I say. 'I'm so sorry, come on, Noah, please, I'll take you home. I'll take you. Come on. Come with me.'
His dad's got a hand on his arm now. He looks gray. 'I'll set them straight about Jack,' he says. 'I don't think you should talk to them, Chloe's right, son. Go with Chloe but go to a hotel where they won't find you. You don't need to be here. Get some rest.'
'Yes, get some rest,' the nurse with the bun says now. 'You're going to be sore with that whiplash when your painkillers wear off. Make sure you have the prescription at hand.'
'They're turning it into a zoo, Noah, it's not fair on anyone. Let's just go, please,' I say.
'We'll arrange for questioning later, Chloe,' a police officer is telling me now, and I swallow, keep my focus on Noah's face.
'We'll let you know if there's a change,' Anne tells him softly, running a hand through Jack's hair.
Eventually, regretfully, Noah nods. He kisses his mom, dad and Dani and gives Jack the best hug he can manage around all the tubes and wires. I do the same.
'I'm so sorry, Jack,' I whisper, hearing my voice break. The gratitude I feel that Noah's alive keeps slamming up against the absolute torture of knowing Jack's in all this pain because of Aaron's ex and it's hard to move, still hard to breathe right, but somehow we arrange for Cooper's Jeep to be brought to the back of the hospital and together, hands clamped, we head with the policemen down the stairwell.
47
The journey into Denver city centre feels like it lasts forever. Being back in Cooper's Jeep again is weird for a start but I'm so grateful he offered to drive us incognito. A police car just would have been followed.
There are so many things going on in my brain as I grip tight onto Noah's hand that it's a kaleidoscope of memories and questions and emotions and I can't even talk to my ex-boyfriend as he drives. I can't say or do anything.
'If you need anything, let me know,' Cooper tells me, touching my arm as he pulls up outside the Oxford Hotel and we go to climb out. There's concern in his husky blue eyes and my heart pangs. I lean over and kiss his cheek before running quickly inside. Noah's hand is still in mine as we pass a towering Christmas tree and roaring fire in the lobby. I can see people turning to stare.
'No cameras!' I bark at a woman who reaches for her cell, and she drops it to the floor in shock. The guy behind the desk gives us both an understanding nod and we're given a key for a room and ushered into the elevator without even checking in. In seconds, we're behind closed doors.
'It's my fault,' Noah stammers when we're inside. I race to the floor-to-ceiling windows, yank all the curtains shut. It's only a matter of time before someone in that lobby lets the world know where we are. 'Fuck. Chloe, it's my fault. I was checking my phone when he took his seatbelt off...'
'No, Noah, it's not your fault. He's gonna be OK. Don't say that. Don't ever say that.' I hurry back to him, swipe at his tears with my fingers, kiss his cheeks, mesh my hands in his hair as he leans back against the door, taking me with him. He's breaking my heart. 'Come on, let's get you cleaned up, why didn't you let them clean you up?'
'I should be the one in that fucking hospital...'
'Noah, stop it!' I swear my lungs are about to burst. I can't stand the horror, the heartache in his eyes. It's bringing it all back; the moment I saw the newsfeed in the car.
'I thought I lost you! I thought you were dead!' I tell him. 'I'm so sorry... I'm so sorry about Jack but don't ever say it should've been you! I would have died, too. Noah, look at me.' I clasp his face as he shakes his head with his eyes closed. 'Noah, look at me, please! I wish I could take this pain away. I'm so sorry, I love Jack, I love you, I've been so stupid, I love you, I'm so in love with you...'
Noah cuts me off, crashing his lips onto mine, making me gasp into his mouth as he pulls me so hard my hipbones bash against him. My hands are still in his hair when he marches me over to the bed, tearing off my shirt as we go. He pushes me down onto the pristine comforter and almost falls on top of me, pinning me by my hands and kissing me so hard and so deep all of a sudden I have to suck air through my nose.
Hot tears are sliding between our faces as he gathers fistfuls of my hair above my head. We're both crying madly as we reach for each other, like no amount of twirling our tongues or stitching of our shadows will ever be enough. I wrap my legs around him, pull my hands free, find the buttons on his shirt as his mouth trembles for a slow, agonizing moment against mine. His fingers grasp my inner thigh, hard.
'Fuck... I'm sorry,' he says suddenly against my lips. Our breathing is ragged between our tears. His chest is still heaving on top of me.
'Don't be sorry,' I stutter beneath him. 'Don't be sorry.'
It's more than want now. I need to feel his skin on mine again; alive, hot, real, everything I almost lost. I grasp his forearms but he winces, pulling away. He's on his knees over me, taking off his shirt and I see it instantly - the gash across his shoulder and torso where the seatbelt must have dug into his flesh. Holy shit.
Reality floods through me. I sit up quickly, taking in his cuts and bruises. The gashes on his forehead and cheek from the airbag. Fresh tears well up in my eyes as fast as they can fall. He's leaning over me again, rippling arms either side of my head. I can see the sinews of his muscles tensing, the tornadoes in his eyes as he processes everything, every horror at high speed, as well as taking in my face and body.
'Chloe, I want you,' he breathes, 'I need you...'
'I know, I know, it's OK,' I say. And I do, I do, of course I do. He has no idea how much I want to take his pain away, how I'd do anything to help him. And fuck... I see it, how much he must have wanted that for me. I pushed him away when I should have let him be there for me, I was so selfish. He wanted to love me, to carry on loving me every single way he could when I was seventeen. I know he did, because right now the thought of not being here for him tears me apart.
I can't stop my own tears. 'Oh my God, I love you,' I say. I pull away, kissing his face, leaning over him this time, kissing his bare stomach, his abs, down to the top of his jeans. With shaking hands I start undoing his belt. 'It's all gonna be OK. It's you and me, Noah. It's gonna be OK. I love you.'
I'm kissing every part of him I can reach now, helping him shove off his jeans, taking my clothes off too. All of them. I reach down for him, grasp him with my whole hand and he groans into my mouth as he crashes another kiss onto mine. I want to taste more of him so badly as I run my hands over his incredible body, up and down the smooth, trembling flesh of his bare back, hearing him say my name. He showers me with kisses, hot and heavy and when he goes down on me, he sucks and licks and kisses with such determination I have to cover my mouth with my hand and clutch the bedpost to stop from screaming.
I roll on top of him, pinning him down and taking him into my mouth. 'You're amazing,' he whispers, stroking my hair as I run my tongue over every part of him, slowly at first, feeling his flesh growing hotter and hotter against mine. All I can think is that I love it, and I love him and when he moves me aside and reaches for his wallet, I take the condom from him, straddle him and roll it onto him myself.
'Are you sure?' he asks in wonder, pulling me up level with his face. He's stopped shaking as much. I can feel him calming in my arms as he concentrates on me, on us.
'I'm so sure,' I say, leaning over him, letting my hair fall around us as he brushes my bangs from my eyes. And then he kisses me with a passion that makes my heart leap and my limbs tremble with longing. I would kiss Noah forever, anywhere.
He flips us again, bringing me underneath him and I wrap my legs around his torso as he leans over me, looking straight into my eyes. I gasp as he pushes into me, raining kisses over my neck and collarbone as he speeds up and slows down again. I can't believe what we're doing, but at the same time it feels like there was neve
r really any other option. Everything is Noah. Noah is everything.
'You feel so good,' he's whispering now and his voice is strained as he looks at me with years of love for me shining in his eyes. I can literally feel it radiating out of him as he pulls me up onto his lap, lets me move on top of him while he runs his hands through my hair and watches me. His eyes never leave mine.
'We're doing this because we love each other,' he tells me seriously after a moment, biting my lip gently and then sweeping my hair back. 'Don't forget that, Pan, please.'
More tears flood my eyes as I kiss him. I work myself up and down in time with him and everything else flies out the window until he's clutching my ass with one hand, touching me with the other, moaning into my mouth and we're both coming. I can feel him trembling just as much as me as he pulls me against him, one hand behind my head, back down onto the bed, heart to heart. We stay still with him inside me, two people as close as they get; so close they're actually one.
'You definitely know what a kiss is,' he whispers breathlessly, clutching my fingers to his face. And this is the moment.
This is the moment that's the start of everything else, I can feel it.
I won't let him go.
No one else in the world is going to hurt me and Noah Lockton - I don't care how hard they try.
48
Noah
Four weeks later...
'Denzel!' I say in surprise as he salutes me on the doorstep through the streamers. He's grinning beneath the Welcome Home Jack banner mom's put up over the door for the gathering. 'I wasn't expecting you.'
I notice he's brushed his hair. His tie is so skinny it's almost like a 3D pencil drawn onto his black shirt. The tuft of hair is poking out of the top and again, I think of a bear. Sebastian and Jeremy appear behind him and I usher them all inside, hugging them on the way. 'Guys, it's so good to see you!' I say. Zayne's not here... not that I'm surprised.
'HotFlush sent us in person, Lockton, so I'm sorry if you'd prefer a box of chocs,' Denzel says. 'We did bring this, though.' He holds out a piece of paper and I take it as he nods to the twenty or so people already here and walks over to Jack, who's on the couch with Dani. It's been a month since the accident and he's doing much better, although he still can't really walk too far without crutches. They've just sent him home so we can look out for him at mom's place at least. 'Glad you're on the mend, mate,' Denzel tells him, shaking the hand that's not poking out of a sling.
'Thanks man,' Jack replies, 'good of you to come.'
'Peter Pan's at number one?' I say, reading from the note. My heart is bashing madly. The room erupts at my words as Chloe rushes over with Alyssa, takes the paper from me.
'Peter Pan's at number one!' they yell at the same time and start jumping up and down. 'Oh my God, Noah, that's incredible,' Chloe cries, wrapping her arms around me suddenly. My own lock around her as Denzel helps himself to a beer from the table. Jeremy's already eyeing up Alyssa, who's offering him canapés, but it's Sebastian she's looking at. I can't quite believe I have a single at number one.
'Fuck knows all this drama pushed it up there but no one expects you to make an appearance yet, OK?' Denzel says, pushing a salmon blini into his mouth. 'You take another couple of weeks off, like they said, get some rest. People know what you're dealing with. We'll get you on Ellen when you're feeling OK, and Jimmy Fallon wants to do a special interview in January...' he stops, lowering his head, looking at his beer. 'But don't worry about any of that. The world can wait.'
'It's gonna have to,' I say, narrowing my eyes.
Chloe squeezes me tighter. 'Number one,' she sighs into my shirt. 'You're a rock star, Noah Lockton. Best Christmas present ever?'
I drop a light kiss onto the top of her head. She's wearing her daisy-patterned dress again with a blue winter sweater, barefoot on the carpet. It's three days till Christmas. This time last year I was working at Starbucks.
I don't miss how Denzel's looking at us, slightly awkwardly. 'Look mate,' he says, clearing his throat. 'I know things with Courtney were kind of... well, disastrous, for want of a better word but I just want to say, in person...'
'Oh, wait. I forgot,' Chloe interrupts. She unhooks herself from me, runs to her purse in the corner of the room and pulls out her iPad. 'She gave me this. I typed it as she wrote it but I wanted to show you guys before I uploaded it. Mostly you, Noah.' Her kohl-lined eyes are smiling as she hands me it.
For a second I don't want to read the note up on the screen. I've not heard much from her, except a voicemail to say how sorry she was to hear about Jack. I've had a million of those from everywhere on the planet, plus emails, YouTube comments, Facebook threads. It's like another piece of my sanity goes AWOL every time a stranger who didn't even fucking know him tells me they're sorry.
Even after the bitch who ran us off the road was arrested and sent straight to the psychiatric ward I had a bunch of people gabbing over Twitter about how being schizophrenic doesn't mean you're crazy. They hashtagged it too: #LocktonTragedy, and for days while Jack was in that hospital covered in bandages and beeping like a fucking robot, I had to see it trending on every channel I turned on. Teri thought it was Aaron and Chloe in the SUV. It's still all far from over; we'll have to go to court when Jack's fully recovered, but I push the thought from my head.
'I think it's kind of nice,' Chloe says, motioning to the note. Denzel takes the iPad, starts reading it aloud.
'To all the awesome Shimmer readers,' he starts, and shakes his head. 'My life is a circus and most of you visit it daily, if not more, to judge and comment on everything I do. Noah Lockton's is the same. But I want you to know that not everything you see and read is the truth. Chloe Campbell is the only girl I trust to write the truth about me, so here it is, right here, on this blog.'
He stops, looks at us, but Chloe motions at him to continue.
'The truth is that in the music industry you have to stand out to sell more records and that involves playing a game. Sometimes it's a dangerous game. People get hurt. My records weren't selling and I was a mess. Noah Lockton helped me out a lot while he was going through his own mess, but Noah Lockton is not and never really was my boyfriend.'
Denzel stops again, sighs through his nostrils. 'I don't know if we can publish this, mate,' he says, adjusting his tie.
Chloe snatches it off him, continues reading. 'If you trusted yourselves and your own eyes and hearts, instead of what the TV and Internet tells you, you would see who Noah really is. He's the nicest, most wonderful guy in the business, believe me. He loves his friends, his family, his brother Jack who calls him every five minutes to give him shit...'
She pauses, looks at Jack, who's nodding.
'He values his roots more than anything. So please join me in supporting Noah Lockton's passions. His music is why we really love him. His soul, his spirit, his sexy body... OK, I am still allowed to say that! If you love him, you will love everything about him, no matter who he's with. And if...' Chloe pauses, looks up at me a bit embarrassed. 'And if you see him with Chloe Campbell, which I guess you will, know that he has made a decent choice for once and followed his heart to exactly where he's meant to be. Lots of love. Courtney. P.S. The Great Catsby loves all of you and hopes you'll still support us, too.'
I smile at the last part, watch as Chloe swipes the note off the screen. My eyes blur momentarily and I blink, will myself not to cry. Who'd have thought Courtney Lentini would do something so selfless? She's one of the good ones; a fuck up, sure, but a good one. I make up my mind to thank her later.
'Publish it then,' Denzel's saying now, throwing his hands in the air. 'God knows people want every fucking thing they can read about you Lockton, we may as well try a new route, right?'
'You mean an honest one?' I say as Chloe's arm coils around me again. The feel of her body so close to mine, with and without clothes on is as honest as it gets.
Denzel nods, thoughtfully. 'You don't have a pet do you Chloe? Some dog or hamster, or rabbit you
can set up with a Twitter account?' he asks, and I whack his arm as Chloe laughs. The sound of her, the feel of her fills my heart with something I haven't felt in a while -- the feeling that freedom is almost here; that we're going to make things work in spite of the fame. In spite of everything.
'I've got something for you, too,' Chloe's saying now, taking my arm, leading me though into the kitchen. We walk past Alyssa and Sebastian, who are chattering madly now about her Ghetto Greek Kitchen idea. His eyes are lit up like torches.
'I'm getting to like your gifts,' I say in a low voice and she turns to wink at me. Just that look is enough to make me want to drag her upstairs and devour her.
Since the accident, I've been swept up in family and police obligations; living in a whirlwind of press and fucking nightmares. We stayed at the hotel in Denver; me, mom and dad, for a week because the paps wouldn't leave the house alone. Even the hotel got mobbed once they found out where we were and they had to hire extra security. We ate in our rooms like prisoners most of the time. It wasn't good for Chloe to join me; besides she's had to talk to people too, many times, about what Teri actually did before she came after us on the road.
When I finally made it home we met late at night in the tree house and this time there was no vodka, no tears, just us as adults, making love the way it's supposed to be made. I can't get enough of her. I've also written five more songs in the space of a month and we'll be recording the second album when we get back to New York. I want her with me in Chelsea.
'Can you come to The Laughing Goat tomorrow night?' she asks now, pulling me to her hips by my belt, against the kitchen counter.
'The cafe, on Pearl Street?' I say and she looks at me imploringly, as if I might say no. I try to keep the anxiety off my face. The thought of being out in public anywhere still makes me feel slightly nauseous but the look in her eyes is already swaying me.
