Where I Need To Be

by Jamie Hollins

  He almost laughed out loud at how simple he was making this life-changing event out to be. These were the cards they’d been dealt; now they were just going to have to deal with them together.

  ###

  “October twenty-eighth. We’re going to have a Halloween baby,” Megan said, smiling up at James, who was walking right beside her.

  They’d just left their first prenatal appointment with a tote bag full of information, a prescription for a million tubes of blood work, and a due date. To her surprise, James had insisted on taking time away from the garage to accompany her to the appointment.

  “I still don’t understand why the guy had to do an internal exam,” he muttered, unlocking the car and opening her door.

  As the doctor had explained to them—twice, after James inquired for a second time—it was to check the cervix. She was about nine weeks along, and except for her missed period and some fatigue, she wasn’t experiencing any other first-trimester symptoms.

  “The doctor said we should be able to hear the heartbeat next month. I hope you can be there,” she said as soon as he sat down in the driver’s seat.

  “I’ll put it on my calendar when I get back to the shop.” James pulled out of the parking spot and made his way through the downtown parking garage. “Are you hungry? Do you wanna grab some lunch?”

  “I could eat,” she replied. “Where do you wanna go?”

  She’d taken her first sick day of the year, so her students were stuck with a substitute teacher. Being that it was a Friday, she was quite happy to enjoy a long weekend.

  “How about I throw something together at my house?”

  She looked over at him. “I’ve never been to your house before.”

  They’d been officially dating for over two months, and James’s townhouse was unofficially a no-Megan zone. Not that either of them didn’t want her there. They just didn’t want to rush things in front of Cade.

  “Cade’s at school. My dad’s out for the day. We’d have the whole place to ourselves.”

  “I’d love to see your home,” she replied, smiling.

  He drove them to the Fulton River District neighborhood, where his townhouse was located. He pulled into the attached garage of a narrow three-story home.

  She wasn’t familiar with this part of Chicago, but from what she could see, it looked very nice. There seemed to be a good mix of commercial and residential with quite a few low- and mid-rise converted loft buildings.

  “After you,” James said, waving her into the house.

  After preceding him up a flight of stairs, she stepped into the open space in the middle of the combined kitchen, dining, and living room. The floors were a dark hardwood, and the kitchen cabinets were dark as well. Although small, the kitchen had top-of-the-line appliances.

  She could tell the house was inhabited by men because it was sparsely furnished. The largest piece of furniture on the entire floor was the giant TV that was mounted on the far wall.

  “It’s not much, but it’s home,” he said from behind her as he started to remove her coat.

  “It’s lovely. It feels really lived in,” she said with a smile as he slid her coat down her arms. “It reminds me a lot of my parents’ house.”

  Although much smaller, it had that comfortable feel to it. Like it was the perfect place to kick up your feet after returning home from a long day at work.

  Megan moved toward the kitchen and noticed some familiar artwork displayed on the refrigerator. She straightened a picture that Cade had painted just the week before in her classroom. She’d asked the students to paint an image of what they most looked forward to doing when the weather turned warmer. Cade had painted Wrigley Field from the vantage point of home plate.

  “Your son is an excellent artist. Besides science, I’d say it’s his next strongest subject.”

  “He’s crazy about the Cubs.” James pulled out some plates. “Care for a sandwich? I have turkey, ham, salami, bologna?”

  “I don’t think I’m supposed to eat lunchmeat,” she replied, snaking her arms around his waist and resting her cheek against his bicep.

  “Oh, yeah, I forgot,” he said, lifting his head. “It’s been awhile since I did this whole pregnancy thing. Peanut butter and jelly?”

  “Sounds yummy.”

  In all her excitement, she kept forgetting that this wasn’t his first rodeo. That reminder made her a little sad. She would have loved for them to be excited new parents together. To share in all the firsts.

  But Megan was determined not to let it bother her or lessen her growing excitement. She didn’t want James to feel pressured to do anything. If he couldn’t make it to an appointment, she wasn’t going to get upset. If he didn’t want to pick out a crib together, she was going to be okay with it.

  That wasn’t to say she didn’t hope he’d take an active role in their pregnancy, but as much as she could help it, James would not feel obligated, pressured, or trapped in any way.

  She was not the same Megan McKenna that she had been five years ago or even one year ago. She was independent, she was self-sufficient, and she would be strong. She had to be if she was going to be a mother. And she and James would work things out as they went along.

  She leaned against the counter as he prepared her sandwich.

  “Should I cut off the crust for you?” he asked, the corner of his mouth curled up in a half smile.

  “No, thanks. I’m pro-crust.”

  He made a diagonal cut in the sandwich and slid the plate in front of her. “Here you go. One organic peanut butter and seedless red raspberry jelly sandwich with crust.”

  “Where’s yours?” she asked as she picked up her plate and took it to the table.

  “I’m not pregnant so I’m eating a turkey sandwich. Go ahead and start eating.”

  She waited for him to get his sandwich before she took a bite out of hers. “Thanks for making me lunch. It’s the best PB&J I’ve ever had.”

  He chuckled as he picked up his giant sandwich. There must have been a pound of lunchmeat on there, along with a fresh slice of tomato and half a bottle of yellow mustard. She watched him take a bite and wasn’t surprised when mustard shot out the other side onto his plate.

  “Have you told your dad about the baby?” she asked after a while. James nodded and looked at her from across the table. He continued chewing and then took another bite. “And what did he say?”

  He shrugged as he finished chewing. “He asked how I felt about it. I told him I was fine. So he said congratulations.”

  She blinked. “Really, that’s all he said?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Huh.”

  Talk about anticlimactic. Here she was thinking that their pregnancy news would send shockwaves out into the world, but it was a mere blip on the radar for Abel Foley.

  God, she was going to need to tether herself to something heavy when she told her parents. At least the news of having a baby would overshadow their disappointment of her failed marriage.

  “So, sweetheart, we need to talk about some stuff.”

  She raised her eyebrows inquisitively as she took another bite of her sandwich.

  “Your car. It’s gotta go.”

  She rushed to finish chewing. “What do you mean it’s gotta go? What’s wrong with my car?”

  He chuckled. “Babe, everything is wrong with it. It’s unreliable. I don’t want have to worry about you getting stuck somewhere when you’re nine months pregnant.”

  She wasn’t arguing that it was unreliable. But another car was one more major expense she couldn’t afford.

  “I only drive it to and from work.”

  “And you’ll be driving it to doctor’s appointments and for lab work if I can’t take you myself. I don’t want you alone in some dirty parking garage downtown with a car that won’t start.”

  “James, I don’t know what you want me to do about it. It’s all I’ve got.”

  “That’s why we’re talking about this. I bought a u
sed Chevy Traverse. It’s fully loaded, all-wheel drive, navigation, OnStar, and a DVD player. It’s much safer than your Accord, and it’ll be great for after the baby arrives.”

  Her mouth fell open, and all she could do was blink. “You bought me a new car?”

  “It’s an SUV, not a car. And like I said, it’s used.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me before you bought it? I can’t accept a car!”

  “First, it’s an SUV,” he emphasized. “Second, I’m telling you about it right now. And you can accept it.”

  “I won’t!” she cried. “We’re not talking about a book or a movie or dinner. You’re talking about a car!”

  Although she truly appreciated the gesture, a car was too much. At one time, she’d been a woman who had everything handed to her. Since she’d gotten a taste of independence, a taste of working hard and earning her own way, she didn’t want anyone to think she needed a handout. Including James.

  He put his sandwich down and studied her. “Why can’t you accept the SUV?”

  She felt her eyes grow hot. “Because it’s too much.”

  After a minute of frowning at her, he stood up and walked around the table. Her breath felt shaky, and she was trying desperately to keep the tears at bay. Stupid pregnancy hormones.

  James knelt beside her so their eyes were on the same level. “Sweetheart, I’m not trying to take away your independence. I know you are perfectly capable of taking care of yourself. But try to look at this from my perspective. You and this baby are important to me. I want to know you’re safe when I’m not with you. I promise that’s the only reason I got the SUV.”

  Pulling her bottom lip in, she nodded. Jesus, how could she argue with him after he said something like that?

  “It’s just so expensive, James.”

  His eyes sharpened for a split second before he sighed. “Megan, I can afford it.”

  “I still wish you would have discussed it with me before you bought it.”

  He nodded. “All right. From now on we’ll talk before I buy something for you and the baby.”

  Leaning forward, she placed a soft kiss on his gorgeous mouth. “Thank you. And thank you for the SUV.”

  His smile spread slowly, reaching his eyes, making them dance with mischief. “I should also probably tell you I placed an order for a memory foam mattress and bed frame to be delivered to your apartment next week. But I promise that’s the last thing I bought.”

  Megan pinched her lips together and tried to skewer him with her teacher stare. Instead of immediately looking remorseful, he just laughed and walked over to the kitchen after snagging their empty plates.

  Chapter 27

  Warmer weather had finally arrived in the Windy City, and with it a jam-packed schedule at work for James. Janie was constantly on the phone booking new appointments, and James’s days were a blur. It was good to stay busy, and truth be told, he was happy for the extra money.

  It was a delicate balance to save money in preparation for the new baby while trying to keep things consistent at home. He and Megan were waiting until the school year was over to tell Cade about their relationship and that he’d be a big brother. Knowing his son, he’d take it in stride. Waiting to tell him made Megan feel better since she’d no longer be his teacher.

  Megan was healthy and beyond excited about the baby. Cade was doing really well in his studies, and it didn’t look like summer school was in his immediate future. James’s father had started dating a nice lady he’d met at the hardware store who had been trying to figure out what size windshield wiper to buy for her car.

  James should have been breezing through his days with little to no stress. Work was good. His family was good. His and Megan’s sex life was better than ever. He should have been so carefree that he skipped around the garage passing out free hugs.

  But that wasn’t the case.

  While everyone else was content, James was growing more and more apprehensive. The fact that he and Megan were having a baby was great, but there was a lot of added pressures he hadn’t predicted. And apparently he was the only one thinking about them. Due to their relationship, there were finances to think about, living arrangements to discuss. Hell, he hadn’t even met her family yet.

  Megan never mentioned any worries to him. Every time he saw her, she seemed happier than the last. She positively glowed, and he fell for her more every day. And that was another part of the problem.

  When most men would be thinking about putting a ring on her finger, he was petrified. Everything about them pointed toward marriage. Yet he’d sworn marriage was something he’d never do again. The first time around had nearly destroyed him, and if it weren’t for Cade, it would have.

  “Good night, James!” Janie shouted from the office door.

  It was staying light longer, and he’d completely lost track of time. “See you tomorrow,” he called after her before ducking his head back underneath of the hood of a Lexus.

  “Oh!” he heard her say before her footsteps sounded from doorway. “Looks like your dad just pulled up.”

  James leaned back and peered around the open hood just as his dad got out of his truck. Using a shop rag, he wiped down the ratchet in his hand before putting it away. His dad’s slow footsteps shuffled into the open bay door, and he heard a low whistle. “I’ve never seen a car that color before.”

  James looked down at the leprechaun green Lexus and shrugged. “The customer just had it repainted.”

  “Complete waste of money,” Abel mumbled.

  He had to agree. The car was hideous.

  “I was just getting ready to close up. What brings you by?”

  Abel stuffed his hands in his pockets. “Since Cade has baseball practice tonight, I thought I might take Mary Lou out for a nice dinner.”

  James smiled. “Good for you. Hope you and Mary Lou have a nice time.”

  After washing his hands in the utility sink, James grabbed some paper towels and dried them off. He had to pick Cade up at the little league field in a half hour. It was only his second week of practice, and he was bound and determined to play first base this year.

  “Your sister called,” his dad said. “She wanted to know when she could meet Megan and whether you wanted her to throw a baby shower.”

  That was definitely something his thoughtful sister would do. He’d called her a couple weeks ago to tell her about the baby. Although shocked at first, Shelby had quickly snapped out of her stupor and gushed over a new baby in the family.

  She’d asked a million questions about Megan, where they’d met, what she did, what she looked like. He had explained they were keeping things quiet for Cade’s sake, but reassured her that he was happy about everything, despite the surprise.

  “Yeah, I’ll call her back,” James muttered. He tossed the crumpled paper towel into the trash can and ran his fingers through his hair.

  “What’s on your mind, son?”

  James sighed as he leaned against one of the support beams of a nearby car lift. “Everything. I wish I could just power off my brain.”

  Abel chuckled to himself as he wheeled over a low stool. “Feeling a little overwhelmed, are you?”

  “Yeah,” James breathed out. “I’m trying to do everything right, you know? With Holly I did a lot of things wrong. But this time around, I just…” James shook his head. “God, I just don’t want to fuck this up.”

  “Well, if it’s any consolation, I don’t think you did a lot of things wrong with Holly. And Cade’s not doing too bad. I’m sure this baby will be fine too.”

  James pushed off the post. “Things went south so quickly with Holly I didn’t have time to think. Everything was a reaction instead of a well-thought-out plan. I don’t want the same thing to happen with Megan.”

  “Megan is not Holly.”

  James put his hands on his hips and scuffed his boot against the floor. “I know. I keep telling myself that. Everything about Megan is different. She doesn’t ask for anything from me, but I
feel like I’m letting her down already, and the baby hasn’t even arrived. Do you know she hasn’t asked once what the living situation will be like after the baby is born? Does she think she’s going to stay in her tiny apartment with our newborn while the three of us are twenty minutes away in our townhouse?”

  “Have you brought that up to her?”

  “No,” he huffed. “I haven’t because I didn’t want to push her. She’s so set on being independent and self-sufficient. I feel this need to take care of her, not just because she’s carrying my child but because I care about her.”

  Sighing deeply, James let his head hang as he looked at the shiny wheels of the green Lexus. “I think I should probably talk to her about getting married.”

  Abel raised his eyebrows in surprise. “Is that what you want?”

  James shook his head. “No.”

  “Well, then why bring it up? Times have changed. You don’t have to be married to the mother of your children nowadays.”

  James shook his head. “I know, Pops, but I still struggle with that. I can’t help it if I feel it’s the right thing to do. That’s the way you raised me. That’s definitely how Mom would have raised me if she hadn’t passed away so early.”

  Abel nodded slowly. “Yes, she would have. But you need to do what’s right for all of you. Not just because you think it’s right for Megan. And who says she even wants to get married?”

  “That’s the type of woman she is. She wants the whole thing—the happy family, the white picket fence. She’s mentioned before how she’s had everything planned out in her head since she was young. Megan probably wants to get married, but she won’t ask.”

  James picked up a screwdriver lying on top of the tool chest and put it away in its drawer. “Besides, why wouldn’t she want to get married? She wouldn’t want the stigma of being a grade school teacher who has a baby out of wedlock. Hell, if we don’t get married, the child is going to have a different last name than one of us.”

  “What do you want to do?” Abel asked him.

  Thinking for a minute, James took a deep breath. “I’d like to move her into our townhouse, but I don’t want to get married. I want her to know I’m committed to her and to our baby, that I’d gladly provide for them as best as I can, but I don’t want to get married again.”