Sal

by Mick Kitson

  I had done four interviews with the police and four interviews with psychologists and three with the social workers. Because I knew Maw couldn’t get charged I told the police everything from when I thought about killing Robert to when we came out of the woods. I had to tell them about Ingrid nicking the Rolls-Royce because they knew about that anyway and that was how they found us but it took them three days and for the first day they just searched all along the woods at the bottom by the road and didn’t come up near where we were. I asked if Adam told on us but they didn’t know who he was. The polis who interviewed me were two women and they were nice and not as thick as the men polis.

  I had a solicitor called Fiona McKenzie with me all the time and she loved me and she got me bail with conditions. She said it was unusual to get bail in a case like mine but the court had heard reports from social services and psychologists and I was being made a ward with a guardian.

  She kept saying I wasn’t going to prison but I’d go to a secure place for disturbed kids where they took you canoeing and rock climbing and I thought that would probably be alright. We didn’t know how long I’d be there yet but she said it depended on what I said to the psychologists and social workers and what the judge thought.

  My social workers were called Kathryn and Neal and they were there all the time too and they interviewed me a lot about Robert and what happened and I had to point to dolls if I didn’t want to say a word like ‘cock’ or ‘balls’ but I just said them. They asked me all about Maw and I had to be careful because I didn’t want her charged with neglecting us and I just blamed Robert for everything and I told them all about Maw not knowing and I said Maw cooked us food and looked after us and made bread which was a bit true because she made bread in the woods. They asked me if I was angry and I said I wasn’t but then I got angry when they started talking about Peppa and what had happened to her and I said nothing happened to her. I had a plan and I sorted everything so nothing happened to her from when she was first born until then.

  They asked me all about Ian Leckie and they said he was getting checked and the judge would make him a guardian for us and then he could drive us about and look after Maw with her drinking.

  They asked loads and loads about Ingrid and I told them her life story from the start to when she met us and Neal kept yawning. I didn’t tell them she cuddled us or that I got in her bender with her and cuddled her or that I kissed her because they’d think she was an old lezza who was abusing us. I told them how she looked after us and taught us stuff and took us to see the Goddess. I told them how she looked after me when I had my period and how she made candles and bread and Peppa’s hat and bought me a monocular and it made me cry. I told them I loved her and she was the best person I had ever met in the world.

  Kathryn and Neal were nice but they were both wankers. Kathryn had green dyed bits in her hair and a hippie jumper and Neal had white hair and kept yawning and going ‘Uh huh . . . uh huh.’ He wore walking boots in the town and they were all clean and new. They said they were making a care plan for me and Peppa. I wanted to say I’d already done that, but I didn’t.

  Peppa was still calling the Goddess ‘Cheryl’ and she talked about her like she was real and she would do things for you if you prayed to her. If I lost something or Ian couldn’t find a parking space Peppa would go ‘Just pray to Cheryl and she will provide . . .’ I knew she was taking the piss but Ian thought she was serious and he said to me ‘Is she really religious?’ and I said ‘Aye.’ Once when Ian first started taking us we couldn’t find a space outside the children’s panel meeting we had to go to and then Peppa said about praying to Cheryl and a car pulled out just in front of the building and we got his space. Peppa went ‘The power of Cheryl . . .’ and Ian looked puzzled.

  They interviewed Peppa and Maw a lot and they left us all in a room together for hours with board games and books and magazines and Maw said she thought they were watching us to see if she started being a bad mother. But she didn’t.

  They asked Peppa all about how she got the scars on her hand and she told them about the Pike and they kept asking her if she was scared when we were in the forest and she said only of youse getting us.

  Ian Leckie went to the polis and social work meeting with Maw and he told them all about her disease and the way she was getting better and not drinking.

  The psychologists asked me how I felt a lot. One kept asking if I was angry with Maw and Peppa and I said no why would I be angry with them? Then he asked me all about killing things and he asked how I felt when I killed something and I said it depends what it is. I told him about killing Robert and I told him about killing rabbits and fish and the Grouse. I told him about not wanting to kill a deer after I saw one and about not wanting the kill the rabbits after I saw it warning the others. He said I kept talking about what happened and not how I felt about what happened and I said it was the same thing.

  Anyway I didn’t know how I felt and I still don’t know how I feel until I feel bumping and pain in my chest or in my head or until I disappear and watch everything from black space. I didn’t tell him any of that. I don’t know why everyone is so worried about how they feel. How you feel doesn’t really matter. What matters is knowing stuff and doing things.

  Peppa was talking German in the car to Ian. She was pointing to all the bits in the car and telling him the German word for it. She had learned a load more German online since we left the forest and sometimes she says sentences in German to me and Maw. If Maw asks her a question she sometimes answers it in German and Maw gets annoyed with her and she goes ‘Warum bist du böse Mutti?’ which means ‘Why are you angry Mummy?’ She swears less in English now but much more in German and in the car she started telling Ian German swear words again, and things she said were really rude. And as he drove along she made him say ‘Lecken mein Hoden.’And I don’t know what that means and neither did Ian but when he said it Peppa nearly pissed herself laughing and she knelt up in the seat and looked back at me and Maw. She was jumping up and down with her eyes all bright and her lovely white teeth.

  If the social workers thought she’d been fucked up by Maw and Robert and the flat and not having a da, they should’ve seen her then, giggling and bouncing about and shouting ‘Do ye know what he said?’ to me and Maw, and us laughing too even though we didn’t.

  Kathryn and Neal were wankers but they said one thing that was true and that was that we were staying together and even when I got locked up in the place for disturbed kids, Peppa was staying with Maw and as long as Maw stayed sober we were staying together.

  I was fourteen in a week. Peppa said she was going to sing Silent Night in German because my birthday was Christmas Eve but I knew I wouldn’t be there after the court tomorrow. So did Maw but she didn’t let Peppa see her cry. Maw said Jackie from rehab was going to come and cut her and Peppa’s hair when I went up with Ian in the morning. Maw’s roots were showing.

  Ian started slowing down and looking about and then he saw the sign for the hospice. Snow was falling. We sat in silence in the car in the car park. I couldn’t see the entrance clearly because the snow was swirling and dancing and making grey and silver shapes. The light from the entrance was warm and gold and glowed through it. There was a leafless tree, just a wee sapling, in the grass in front with a string of silver lights in it. It was rocking in the wind and blowing snow. Next to it was a pond. The snowflakes were landing on the water and disappearing.White and then gone.

  Then we all got out and went in.

  Acknowledgements

  I am deeply grateful to my beautiful wife Jill without whom I would not have thought of, written or finished this book. She is the best person I have ever met in the world. And equal love and thanks to my wonderful children Jimmy, Molly and Susie.Thank you to everyone in my family, most especially my big brother Jim and his wife Bev, Paddy, Melica, Seth, Sadie, Ezra, Dave Packer, Jenny Fry, Richard and Tamsin, Andrew, Claire and all Welsh Finighans and O’Briens.

  Thanks to t
he all the friends who have put up with me and who are too numerous to name, but I will try: John Sexton, Freddie Nolan, Jenny Fraser, Alan McCreddie, Joe McCreddie, Eilidh Cownie, Rupert Crisswell , Kate Gilbertson, Catherine Kerr-Dineen, Zoe Darbyshire, Pete Kill,Trent Baker, John Cheshire, Nick and Nicky Crowhurst, and Bob Travis.

  Finally, enormous gratitude to my agent Cath Summerhayes and everyone at Canongate Books; Rafaela Romaya, Robert Hunter, Jenny Fry, Jo Dingley, Rona Williamson, Alison Rae and Lorraine McCann for their talent, support and enthusiasm.