The Reluctant Trophy Wife

by Judith Petres Balogh

  Is God willing to prevent evil, but is notable? Then he is not omnipotent.

  Is he able but not willing?

  Then he is malevolent.

  Is he both able and willing?

  Then whence came evil?

  Is he neither able nor willing?

  The why call him God?”

  He again contemplated the horizon and while apparently searching for the answers there he suspended the silence between them for a while. She watched the busy micro world around her and was content to wait. He was gentle and generous as he tried to untangle her arguments.

  “I could quote you the precise explanations and the dogmas of the Church. I could repeat the tenets you have learned in Catechism sessions long ago. I know the time will come when you will grasp the magnificence of it, but for now just try to imagine a conversation between the Father and His Son. It would go something like this.

  --Father, I am saddened. The people on earth turned bad, just as we foresaw it. They are like sheep without a shepherd. They cannot find the way.

  --I see it too. This was not the plan, but even the very angels in heaven revolted, why should mankind be different? Man on earth apparently decided to take his own path.

  --Indeed, Father. That free will you gave them… that is the key to their downfall. Their free will and in addition their constant existential Angst, their fear of tomorrow. Added to it is a good measure of immoderate drive for material things and for sex. Those are his traps.

  --Do not judge my creation too severely. They are not bad, only fatally weak. From the first temptation on, they could never figure out how to use the gift of free will without getting hurt in the end.

  --But then why give it to them? It ruins them.

  --I would never have considered creating Man without this free will. I have no need for robotic creatures that cannot think and decide, cannot care, create, build, err, covet, and then in the end cannot be contrite and grow spiritually. His deficiencies allow him to grow and that is the beauty of him. To strive to become better and to step over his limitations is what makes him so lovable. The fear and insecurity, the wish for material things that worries you, were actually gifts from me to them. These were planned as drives to overcome the unavoidable difficulties of the world, and to inspire them to make the world into a good and safe place for humans and for animals. Sexuality, the magic of the sacred bond, was also a gift. Through it they become receptive and experience the most wonderful kind of love, the giving love. Do not underestimate sex. Without the strong sexual drive, they would not be willing or able to commit the sexual act, which is necessary to bring forth children. And we do wish the species to survive.

  --But through it, they are extremely vulnerable...

  --Yes. At that point they are heartbreakingly fragile. Disappointment, betrayal, boredom are just around the corner. But that is not the point. The point is that they discover true, giving love.”

  --But not all of them.

  --No.

  --This is the reason I want to live among them and teach them by showing.

  --By sacrificing yourself on the cross.

  --By giving myself on the cross.

  --I admit that they use the gifts I gave them the wrong way. They misunderstood the plan, I know that. Achieving security is no longer enough for them; pathological greed for ever more entered. They became slaves to egocentric desires instead of using their considerable talents to care for each other. Many are lost, some are little more than sorry, self-adoring consumer-idiots. But they were created with a divine spark and therefore are able to renew themselves and become once more worthy of their status in the world. I also know Son, that because of your divine and infinite attributes you pity them.

  --It is more than just pity. I love the created world and Man in it, and I want to help him achieve your plan. I wish to live as a human for the duration of the average lifespan of Man, and in this time I shall teach him how to get back on the right path. I want to teach him what to believe and what not, what to keep and what not, and I want to teach him not to be afraid. Most of all I want to bring your lost children back to you, because I know you grieve about them. I am afraid Man does not believe our message if only prophets are saying it. Man does not learn by words, only by examples.

  --The task you set is unutterably painful and fraught with failure. They will hate you and torture you, humiliate you and finally kill you. Those who follow you will not fare any better. Your becoming one of them, even for a short period, would only increase the horrors on that unhappy planet.

  --But they would discover love and rejoice in spirituality!

  -It is indescribably sad to think that you would go through all the suffering for just a few. Diogenes tried something similar when he went about trying to find one true man, and failed.

  --Diogenes was a mortal, a cynic, an eccentric and rather exalted. The most important difference is that he set out to find but one true man, ready-made in his goodness, while I am setting out to find men -- and please note that I am using the plural—and wish to show them, all of them, how to be true. I am not looking for just a single selected soul, who is already good. I am looking for everyone, most of all for the lost ones. The worry of the shepherd is not with the lamb that stays, but with the one that strays.

  --Beloved Son, My heart grieves for you!

  --It is not my wish to sadden you, but I can no longer watch idly what is happening on the Planet. I have to go there and I have to teach them.

  --Even though you can see the Golgotha as we are talking here?

  --Even so. Because I do not just see the mocking, murderous crowd in Pilate’s courtyard, but also see the multitudes who sit quietly listening to my teaching and who wish to return to you.

  -- I know anger and disappointment, to be sure, but these are evil emotions and therefore I do not tolerate their presence for longer than it takes the shadow of a soaring eagle to cross the valley. I have no wrath, only deep sadness and pity.

  --I know that. Father, I am not out to placate you in that sense. My goal is to bring back your lost children to make your sadness disappear.

  --My blessings then on your mission Beloved Son. After you take the form of Man, you will be master of your own destiny. With your free will you’ll make the choices, just like the rest of them. I cannot change that just as I cannot change the law of gravitational pull. If you choose pain, it will be yours. My love will always be with you as it is with every human being.

  --I am only asking for your blessing and just enough help so that I can fulfill what I intend to do.

  ******* Father Paul fell silent, probably to let her absorb the thoughts.

  “But this is not the way we were taught!” she finally objected. “Jesus came

  to save mankind, died on the cross and through this sacrifice triumphed over

  Evil and Death On the third day he rose from death and so gave proof of resurrection and life everlasting. This is what the nuns told us over and over

  again. His death redeemed us.”

  “Of course the good nuns were right. Indeed, it is the central belief of our

  religion and I am not arguing it. His sacrifice was unfathomably great, but it

  could not in itself satisfy His divine plan. He wanted more. If the holy, ultimate

  sacrifice would have been the only issue, then the biblical story would have

  started on Thursday and had been completed next day, on Friday afternoon or at

  the most on Sunday morning at the empty grave. The four Evangelists would

  not have had a reason to write detailed accounts. It was not so. Long before His

  death He walked tirelessly from town to town, gently explaining and warning.

  His life was all about teaching mankind how to live and to love, or at least how

  to care. He taught it by words and by examples and He selected followers to

  continue the teaching and the guiding. Redemption, according to His plans, is a

/>   two-way enterprise. Mankind has to do his share. If Man is not inclined to follow

  His way then His high sacrifice would be incomplete. He was teaching the art of

  life, the blessings of spirituality and the simple ways. He did not care what the

  price for it was. Can anything be more noble and divine than this?” This she understood and was waiting until he was ready to tell more. She

  was not in a hurry, and apparently neither was he. It was his habit to introduce

  lengthy pauses between his explanations in order to provide a space of time for

  the listener to absorb what he was saying. The questions they were facing were

  too important to rush the answers. After a peaceful pause he continued. “There are some basic truths, which are part of life. The existence of

  inevitable heartbreaks is one of them, such as natural catastrophes, illness, aging

  and death. And then there is another category of wretchedness, the real horrors

  of life, the things that people do to each other. We need not and should not have

  that kind of evil in our life. This is what He was teaching.”

  “Are you saying that people are responsible for evil?”

  “They are. Evil is not a separate entity set in the world to do us harm. Evil

  is the result of bad choices. In order to get rid of it forever, we all must realize

  that a single bad choice by a single man can send millions to horrible deaths, and

  torture others with such methods which the healthy human mind cannot even

  imagine. Other bad choices keep millions in subhuman conditions, abject

  poverty or bitter loneliness. As long as there is a single man on the planet who

  does not accept this, evil will be part of our life and in the end it will lead us into

  final destruction. As simple and as tragic as that.”

  He stopped talking and let her think again about what he just said. When he

  continued to talk Lena was almost more touched by the unshakable, deep belief

  he conveyed than by his words. “The greatness, the endless love of God for us

  was not happening at Christmas, not at the scandal of the crucifixion, not at the

  resurrection. It was long before those monumental events, at a time not known

  to Man. It was the primordial decision, born of divine compassion which is

  difficult for us to comprehend. It was when the almighty God, the Creator, the Mover, the Perfect, decided to step out of his divinity and out of His dimension and follow a most painful road in order to teach and to redeem a stumbling, fumbling Mankind not even created as yet. In His endlessly caring love He was willing to walk the roads barefooted, live on alms, face persecution and humiliations, submit to a death that in its form was not only the physically most horrible one, but was reserved for the most monstrous criminals. The form of his execution was maliciously selected to brand Him for all the ages as a criminal. His persecutors hoped to destroy His image and so invalidate His person and his teaching forever. In today’s terms we would call their plan not just physical execution, but also an outrageously effective form of character assassination. They expected that a criminal dying on the cross would never have followers; all would repudiate Him. None of that frightened Him. And as we all know, it did not happen at all the way the persecutors planned and hoped. The scandalous cross became the most sacred symbol for Christianity. Does it make more sense

  this way, Helena?”

  She nodded silently then added, “But do you believe that it will ever

  happen? I mean will a time ever come when Man will learn to make the right

  choices?” He shrugged and seemed to be absorbed in watching the bird that

  returned to the tree just behind the grave.

  “Doesn’t look like it now, does it?” he finally said. But there are only two

  choices left. Either mankind wakes up and behaves as expected, or else it will

  annihilate itself and while doing it perhaps sees to it that the planet won’t be fit

  to support even the hardiest microorganism, at least not for a long, long time.

  However, our religion is also one of hope and it teaches us never, never to give

  up, and never to welcome defeat. If Christ in His divine wisdom could believe in

  such a general spiritual rebirth, who am I to question it? So, we keep on hoping

  for our own sake. Man in his Olympian arrogance, or in his reptilian indifference

  has not yet realized that God can cheerfully exist without him, but Mankind

  cannot make it without Him. When Man discovers this simple truth, he might

  change his murderous ways and rethink his destructive choices.”

  “You are so different, Father Paul,” she said thoughtfully. “You are not

  preaching and not cajoling. And you are not threatening with brimstone and

  hellfire when you talk to the stray lamb.”

  “I had a very good teacher. Jesus never used those methods either,” he said

  and the statement was accompanied with that reassuring smile which seemed to

  be on his face even when he was not actually smiling. “For now just try to accept

  that science cannot answer all the questions and that it does not and cannot give

  content to life. You cannot find comfort in the Pythagorean Theorem, and you

  cannot pray to the gravitational force. Thermodynamics is a poor substitute for

  the solace you seek when the roof comes crashing down. Try to accept that with

  our limited intellect it is futile to comprehend the master plan, which for lack of

  a better expression we call alternately ‘mystery’ or ‘secret’. Actually the plan is

  not a secret, only indecipherable for our finite mind. God is unbelievably multidimensional and to understand Him is beyond our capacity. The average man cannot even comprehend a mathematical problem of medium difficulty, but then with rare arrogance he tries to figure out divine thoughts and plans! Just because some truths are beyond the grasp of human intelligence, we should not treat all transcendental affirmations as illusions. Just think of a bee; this busy bug is unlikely to understand your motives as you do your daily simple tasks around the house, let alone form a passable concept of the universe. Its virtue is that it is not even trying to interpret them, but goes about his business as was ordained for the duration of his life, which is just about six weeks. For a start this should be enough to think about. In addition you could get into the habit of praying. It

  is a form of meditation, an excellent way to educate the soul.”

  The sun reached the zenith; it was high noon. The church bells started to

  ring and Father Paul said, “Listen to that! Isn’t it beautiful?”

  “Beautiful, reassuring and in a way sad too. It reminds me that lately in

  some cities it is politically correct to listen to a muezzin cry out for prayers, but

  the sound of church bells are considered offensive at the same places. I wonder

  whether the bells are tolling for the funeral of a civilization.”

  He let the remark pass and they sat quietly. She remembered that a long

  time ago people used to stop and pray the Angelus at this time, and that very

  likely some people in the village still do.

  “Are you disillusioned about my ambiguities?” She finally asked. “My mind

  accepts what you are saying and while you are talking and emitting that

  unshakable faith of yours, I bow my head and believe. But then I look around,

  and listen and read, and puzzle things over, and again I am victimized by fear

  and doubt and long for some sign, some assurance that could put my mind at

  ease. Are you disappointed?”

  “Helena, I would be deeply disappointed if you were not honest.

  Am
biguities do not disturb me. Questioning is good; better than sweeping things

  out of sight.”

  “Then we are still friends?”

  “As long as you wish it and as long as you need such a friendship. If you

  still cannot get the connection, just listen to Bach. It is a good direct line to the

  Almighty. Bach offers an alternative to prayer during spiritual drought.” “How would you know about spiritual droughts?”

  “Helena, even priests are human beings,” at this he laughed out loud,

  obviously amused by her remark. “We are not exempt from pain or from any of

  the human weaknesses. We too suffer and fail, like everyone else. Even His

  Apostles failed! Laymen, saints and priest alike are traveling in the same boat for

  better or worse. Believe me, priests did not receive special privileges and

  immunities at birth, or on the day they were ordained. The only difference is that

  we learned how to return to the path quicker than most, and perhaps we get less

  bruised in the process. At least I think so. Occupational benefits,” he added

  teasingly. “Take good care of yourself, and do not let your ambiguities disturb your peace of mind. Leave those ghosts alone, and they will go away on their

  own. Remember, only welcome guests stay.”

  He left then, and appeared to be neither angry nor disturbed. Her

  stubbornness did not bother him. She remained at the bench at the Toth’s family

  grave, and watched him disappear between the tombstones. He was everything

  she ever wanted in an understanding friend, spiritual leader or a loving brother.

  And she wanted with all her heart to believe everything he was teaching her, but

  her obstinate rationality kept attacking the frail structure of belief. She sighed, then returned to the present, picked up the ballpoint pen again

  and continued writing her letter. “Adrienne, Father Paul is a wonderful person. If there

  were more priests like him, the churches would be packed beyond capacity. He is cultured,

  understanding and so very reassuring. We have great conversations at Sarah’s house after her

  remarkable lunches. This of course is easy, because he speaks a beautiful, cultured English. He