The Greatest Serial Killer in the Universe

by Robert T. Jeschonek

  Suddenly, Luther wanted one thing more than anything in the universe.

  "So when do I go home?" he said, grabbing the pack of cigarettes. "You promised I'd leave before the invasion."

  "Two days," said Boraf, picking up a fresh knife from a table and shuffling toward the door.

  "Isn't that cutting it kind of close?" said Luther. "The invasion's supposed to start in two days."

  Boraf slapped the door and its component eels slithered apart. "No worry," said the 'Zoid. "Luther go fast ship. Leave early."

  Luther frowned. "You sure I'll get out in time? We had a deal, remember?"

  "Fast ship," said Boraf. "Get away go Earth fast."

  "Why not leave tomorrow?" said Luther. "You don't need me here anymore."

  "Ship ready two days," said Boraf, shuffling out the door. "Now Boraf go make many Ectozoid kill."

  As the door closed, Luther lit his cigarette. All of a sudden, he had a bad feeling about his future.

  *****

  Two mornings later, Luther found himself riding a giant centipede.

  He and Boraf sat in a bubble that was either grown from the creature's back or attached there, he couldn't tell which. It was the same type of transportation he had ridden from the spaceport to Boraf's house-mound upon his arrival...apparently, the local version of a taxi.

  Sunlight gleamed off the creature's ruby carapace as it scuttled through the streets, neatly winding its segmented length around bends and corners. Giant antennae danced from its head like fishing poles, constantly twitching and flickering in the air.

  As the centipede taxi hurried them through the maze of the city, Luther noticed that the mayhem of the past week had finally subsided. The orgy of killing had seemed to die away in the middle of the night, from what he could hear from inside Boraf's house-mound, and now he didn't see a single murder underway anywhere. It was as if someone had given a signal, and all the 'Zoids had stopped killing at once.

  Stopped killing and headed for the spaceport, apparently. All along the centipede's route, Luther saw 'Zoids shuffling in the same direction that the taxi was traveling. The further the taxi went, the more 'Zoids filled the streets...until, at the spaceport, the centipede was packed in all around by a vast crowd of jellyfish, all shambling toward the cluster of massive, globular spacecraft steaming on the launch pads.

  It got so crowded that the centipede had to slow from a scuttle to a crawl, though it never stopped moving. When the 'Zoids didn't get out of its way voluntarily, the creature simply plowed through them, shoving them aside or nosing them under its hundred-legged bulk.

  Before long, the taxi drew up to one of the ships, many times smaller than the other vessels but of the same spherical design. The bubble on the centipede's back rolled open like an eyelid, and Boraf wriggled down the creature's side to the ground.

  As Luther handed down his duffel bag of possessions, he squinted up at the mirrored silver skin of the

  sphere-ship. It looked identical to the craft that had brought him from Earth, and that ship had made the trip in nothing flat, in less than a day...but he was still worried. In spite of Boraf's reassurances, Luther wasn't convinced that he would escape the invasion.

  "You're sure this'll get me away in time?" he said.

  "Fast ship," said Boraf. "No worry."

  Luther took another look before reaching for his food locker. He started to lift it, but arthritis pain flashed through his arms and hands.

  Releasing the locker handles, he hissed breath between clenched teeth and massaged his hands. "Hell with it," he said. "Short trip to Earth, right?"

  "Short trip," said Boraf. "Fast ship."

  Luther popped the locker open and pulled out a can of chili and a packet of juice. "I'll just bring a snack and leave the rest here."

  "Bring snack," said Boraf, extending tentacles to help Luther down the side of the centipede.

  Luther held on to a tentacle and slid off the taxi's ruby carapace. He couldn't wait until he was home and would never have to touch another slimy tentacle for the rest of his life.

  "What about my payment?" he said.

  "All on ship," puffed Boraf. "Plus bonus."

  "All right," said Luther, shouldering the duffel bag with difficulty. "Now let's get the hell out of here."

  *****

  As the ship popped out of the atmosphere like a bubble popping out of soapy water, Luther asked for the tenth time if the invasion fleet was getting close yet.

  "All clear," said Boraf, though it didn't seem to be looking at a monitor screen or out a window. "Safe passage."

  Luther's eyes were glued to the circular viewport alongside his seat. "Wait," he said, squinting at a distant flicker of light. "Is that one of their ships?"

  "No," said Boraf.

  "Well, how do you know?" snapped Luther. "You didn't even look."

  Boraf floated past, free of the harness that had restrained it during liftoff. "Always notified of danger," said the 'Zoid. "No danger now."

  Luther snorted and kept his eyes on the viewport anyway.

  He caught a glimpse of another suspicious twinkle and followed it, heart racing...then decided it was just a star and only appeared to be moving relative to the ship. He saw a group of distant lights and leaned so close to the viewport that his nose almost touched the glass...but they were just a group of stars or planets, fixed in the darkness.

  Breathing fast, mouth dry, joints throbbing, Luther wished he could light a smoke. Unfortunately, even if the 'Zoids had allowed him to light up on the spaceship, he didn't have any cigarettes left.

  Any way he looked at it, he was going home just in time.

  Gazing into the blackness beyond the viewport, Luther wondered which of the pinpricks of light was Earth's sun. He wished that he was already there, already breathing the sweet air and moving among other human beings and drinking in the familiar sights...savoring all the things that he had so taken for granted and never would again.

  At the same time that the thought of going home excited him, it scared the hell out of him. He was returning to Earth as a new man, free of his old compulsions, remorseful and self-aware. He was already planning to face up to the crimes of his past, to make amends and restitution as best he could and pay the price for what he had done...which would ease his newfound conscience but would be the fight of his life. By the time it was all over, his very life might be the price he would have to pay. That, he was not looking forward to.

  And then there was another possibility that was wearing on him.

  What if, when he got home, whatever had changed within him changed back?

  Suddenly, something caught his eye outside the viewport, and he jumped. Craning his neck, he saw a gleaming silver curve gliding up from the rear edge of the window, sparking in the light of Ectos' sun.

  "Boraf!" he said, watching as the silver advanced and expanded...and then, as the word left his mouth, he recognized the shape.

  It was one of the 'Zoid sphere ships, moving alongside them. The massive globe floated up from the 'Zoid homeworld, traveling in the same direction as the ship carrying Luther.

  He heard a familiar sloshing and rustling as Boraf drifted up beside him. "Killship," said the 'Zoid. "Killship save world."

  Keeping his eyes glued to the viewport, Luther spotted another of the giant spheres beyond the first. And then another. Moving in formation, they paralleled his own ship's course and speed, bobbing in the void like enormous silver balloons.

  Luther frowned as another sphere pushed up alongside the rest. "We're all heading in the same direction," he said. "Are they escorting us till we're safely away from here?"

  "Ships escort," said Boraf.

  "Well, good," said Luther, leaning back. "I'd hate to wind up in the line of fire."

  Boraf made a noise like the wail of a saw being played with a fiddle bow. "Luther safe," it said, patting his head with a tentacle. "No worry."

  As Boraf floated forward to burble at the 'Zoids operating the ship'
s controls, Luther tried to relax. He felt a little better knowing that his ship had a protective escort, but he still couldn't quite extinguish the foreboding that needled the back of his mind.

  After a while, though, when the ships had cruised far from Ectos with no sign of danger, he finally managed to convince himself that he would be okay. Slowly, his nervousness faded, and he actually drifted off to sleep.

  *****

  Luther awakened to the most wonderful sight: a

  blue-green world, swathed in clouds of white, with a single pewter moon suspended above it.

  Earth.

  As he watched his home planet push closer through the big viewport at the front of the ship, he smiled serenely. Whatever awaited him there, whatever trials he would have to face to complete his redemption, he was happier than he had ever imagined possible to be near it again.

  He was home.

  "We're there already," he said, raising his voice for Boraf to hear.

  Boraf was playing his tentacles over the fluttering grassy fronds of a control panel. "Earth," the 'Zoid said simply.

  "Thank God," muttered Luther, still smiling. He yawned loudly and stretched, extending his arms overhead and pressing his abdomen against the thick safety strap holding him in his seat.

  Staring at the beautiful planet beyond the forward viewport, he daydreamed about the things he had missed most from home...the things that were now within reach. No matter what ordeals he was about to undergo, he promised himself that he would gorge on as many cheeseburgers, T-bones, beers, and pornos as he possibly could.

  Then, something caught his attention from the corner of his eye.

  He turned to the viewport beside him, and his smile disappeared. His eyes widened and his mouth dropped open.

  A chill ran up his spine.

  "Boraf," he said quietly, and then he shouted. "Boraf!"

  The 'Zoid left the controls and floated over to him, sloshing and puffing. "Luther?"

  "Why are the other ships here?" snapped Luther. "I thought they were going to fight the invasion fleet!"

  The 'Zoid made a noise like the meow of a cat crossed with the squeak of a hinge. "Fleet no fight fleet," it said. "No make sense."

  "No no no," said Luther, gaping at the giant silver spheres outside the viewport. "The invasion fleet! The 'Zoids were supposed to stop the invasion fleet and save the world!"

  A gargling sound emerged from Boraf's forehead blowhole. "Only one fleet," said the creature. "One invasion."

  Luther's heart raced as he turned from the window to stare at the hovering jellyfish. "One invasion," he said slowly.

  "Earth," said Boraf, pointing a tentacle at the forward viewport. "Ectozoids invade Earth."

  "I don't understand," said Luther. "You told me you needed to save your world."

  "Save world yes," said Boraf. "Ectozoids use up resources. Get new resources Earth save world."

  Cold panic rushed through Luther, mingled with rage. "No!" he said, grabbing for the latch on his restraints, trying to pry them open. "You son of a bitch! You tricked me!"

  "Luther be happy," said Boraf. "Great killer make greatest kill ever. Kill human species."

  Luther battled the restraints but couldn't open them. "No! Don't do it!"

  "No worry," said Boraf, ruffling his hair with a slimy tentacle. "Luther safe. Luther special. Luther Ectozoid hero save world."

  "Please!" screamed Luther. "I was wrong! I've changed!"

  "Congratulations," puffed Boraf. "Luther greatest serial killer in universe."

  Boraf was close enough to kill. Luther reached deep, searching for the old murderous fire...but he couldn't even find a dim spark. Even now, the killer within was nowhere to be found.

  All he could do was thrash against his restraints and scream like a child in a doctor's office as the gleaming silver globes dropped into the atmosphere of the blue-green planet.

  *****

  Special Preview: Vampire Lords

  By Robert T. Jeschonek

  Now Available from Tsetse Press

  Jonah was drunk, pissed at the world, fresh from his mom and dad's viewing at the funeral home...and he was playing what might have been his best gig ever.

  He had always been good, but he was great that night. He ripped through every song with unusual precision and ferocity. Instead of note-perfect renditions, he brought each solo alive with newfound fire and surprise. He pushed the whole band to a new level, and he could tell they loved it.

  As they drove through one Jethro Tull classic after another, from "Locomotive Breath" to "Thick as a Brick," all four musicians grinned with rare and predatory intensity. It wasn't just a run-of-the-mill gig.

  Too bad hardly anyone was there to see it.

  The bar, a downtown Tucson dive joint called Halcyon, was tiny...and nowhere near full. Not counting the bartender, Jonah didn't see more than ten people in the room at the same time that night.

  But he played for those ten people like he was playing for a full house. Like he was playing with something to prove.

  Something to forget.

  The audience, small as it was, definitely caught the vibe and egged on the band. It was the kind of give-and-take that Jonah thrived on, with band and audience equally focused and serious and unified.

  And some were more focused than others. One, in particular, was focused hard on Jonah.

  She looked twenty-something, with shoulder-length blonde hair and impossibly bright blue eyes. A tight-fitting white tank top and black leather skirt hugged the curves of her perfectly sloped and rounded body.

  If she ever took her eyes off Jonah, he didn't see it happen. She watched every move he made and locked eyes with him every time he looked out at her.

  She didn't seem to be with anyone. She just stood with a bottle of beer in her hand, six feet away from Jonah, dancing to every single song with supple, undulating movements.

  Which, naturally, made him play with even more fire. He had a pretty good idea what might be coming next.

  Sure enough, at the end of the first set, the girl made a beeline for him. With a silent, knowing smile, she wrapped his hand in her own and led him out the back door into the alley outside.

  Then, she closed the door behind them and pinned him against the wall.

  Jonah's heart pounded as she flexed her body against his. Her hands, where they locked his wrists to the wall, were cold, but her gaze was filled with heat.

  "You were amazing in there." Her throaty voice was a purr. "I am so turned on right now."

  "I know the feeling." Jonah grinned. Playing with the band had taken his mind off his troubles a little. Maybe the blonde would take his mind the rest of the way off, if only for a while.

  Without another word, the girl moved in for a kiss. Jonah's heart beat even faster as he finally made the contact he'd been anticipating for so long.

  But the kiss was not quite what he'd expected.

  The girl's lips were freezing cold, as if she'd just eaten ice cream or gone swimming. There wasn't the slightest trace of warmth anywhere in her kiss.

  Jonah pulled back. "Are you chilly?" Even as he asked the question, he couldn't imagine that she could possibly feel cold in that alley. It was a hot desert night in Tucson, probably in the nineties...plus which, heat was rolling off an air conditioning unit in the window a few yards away.

  "Low blood pressure. But we can fix that." The girl moved in for another kiss. Her fingers latched onto his belt buckle.

  "We need you," said the girl.

  We? That was when Jonah realized something wasn't right.

  He suddenly felt much hotter than he thought he should. His lower body, in fact, was quickly becoming uncomfortable, as if he were standing too close to a hot stove.

  Jonah looked down...and immediately wished he hadn't.

  He'd never seen anything like it. Thin streams of blood projected from the tops of his legs--a dozen streams per leg punching right through his clothing. They met in a glistening red veil that hu
ng suspended in midair, rippling mere inches from the girl's face. As Jonah watched, new streams burst from his legs and added their crimson liquid to the veil.

  "What the hell?" said Jonah. "What are you doing?"

  But the girl did not answer.

  Get out of here. Now.

  Jonah was in for another shock when he tried to escape: his hands were stuck to the wall, and his feet were locked to the floor of the alley.

  He couldn't move.

  What's going on here?

  Then, it got worse.

  The girl opened her mouth wide, and red filaments reached toward her from the veil. The sinuous filaments twisted and writhed as they flowed between her scarlet lips and over her jet black tongue.

  Black tongue? Black tongue?!? Why didn't I notice that before?

  The girl spoke without closing her mouth. The red filaments splashed against the tip of her tongue when it moved. "How delicious," she said. "I love you."

  She's a vampire! Vampires are real!

  "I'll blow you a kiss," she said, and then she puckered her lips and squirted a flume of blood toward Jonah's face.

  The blood stopped in front of his nose and hung in midair. It curled and contorted and rotated, forming into a gleaming red shape.

  A throbbing cartoon heart the size of a quarter.

  Since when can vampires do this kind of crazy stuff?

  The girl giggled. "Happy birthday, baby," she said. "Wait'll you see what comes next."

  Jonah couldn't take his eyes off the floating cartoon heart. It changed as he watched, twisting and kneading itself into a new shape.

  A skull and crossbones.

  That was when Jonah finally tried to scream. He tried with all his strength to scream as loud as he could.

  And when no sound emerged from his throat, he tried to scream even louder.

  *****

  It was as if someone had heard Jonah's silent cry. Seconds after he tried in vain to scream his head off, the sound of gunfire crackled in the alley.

  Multiple impacts shook the blood-drinking girl and pitched her from her knees to the dusty floor of the alley. As she dropped, so did the veil and filaments of blood. So did the floating skull and crossbones. All of it lost shape immediately and plunged down in one big splatter on the pavement.