Sure, anything for you, Killian.
Where were you when Seth was killed and I was stabbed?
For a long time, neither of us said a word. Asher never looked away from my eyes. I watched the light slowly go out in them, like someone was turning a dimmer switch. The affection and warm love were replaced by hurt and cold anger. He slowly stood to his feet and stared down at me. I sat up, worried that I had gone too far.
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So thats it, he said softly, almost to himself. Then louder and full of anger, Thats why you cant love me? You think I killed Seth and stabbed you? You think Im a murderer.
The anger faded as quickly as it had come up and Asher suddenly burst into tears.
I love you, Killian, he sobbed, Ive loved you for years. How can you think I would ever, ever hurt you?
Do you really think Im the kind of person that could kill someone and then lie here with you like nothing happened? Is that what you think of me?
My mouth was opened to speak, but nothing would come out. He spun around and ran out of the room.
Finally I found my voice and called out after him, but it was too late.
Adam appeared in my doorway. What happened?
he asked sharply.
I was stupid and hurt Asher, I said quickly, Please, go after him.
Thankfully, Adam ran off after Asher without asking a bunch of questions first. I collapsed back on my pillow and let out a long, shaky sigh. I seemed to have quite a talent for hurting those I cared about. I wonder whom I could alienate next?
* * *
The next week was spent in recovery. Adam would allow me to walk to the living room and that was about it. He waited on me hand and foot. I was starting to get a bit spoiled. I missed Asher, but he didnt come around. Adam had caught up to him and they had had a good talk, but Adam said he wasnt ready to come back yet.
Give it time, Adam kept telling me. Asher did bring my make-up work from school as far as the front door, where he handed them over to Adam, so I figured that was a good sign.
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Meanwhile, I grew closer to Adam and learned more and more about Seth. It turned out that Adam had another son who still lived with his mother. She still wouldnt allow Adam to see him at all. His name was Kane, and Seth had missed him terribly after he had come to live with Adam. Adam got quite choked up whenever he talked about him. Kanes 15th birthday party was coming up in a week and this especially sad-dened Adam since he wouldnt get to see him.
He showed me pictures of Seth and Kane together.
Where Seth had the long gangly frame of a runner, Kane was stockier, more solid looking. That wasnt the only difference. Kane was also quite a bit shorter than Seth and his curly hair was darker, more auburn. But if Seth had looked a bit like an elf, Kane looked like an elfin prince. From the one close up Adam had I could see that Kanes eyes were the same intensely piercing green that Seths were. Adam said they got that from their mother and it was completely natural. His face was delicate, beautiful but hard to describe.
I felt for Adam. I could tell just by the way he looked at the pictures how much he loved Kane. I knew it would be a great comfort to see him right now as he dealt with his grief. What a hard woman his ex-wife must be not to allow him to see his only living son at a time like this.
When I asked Adam about it, he simply said that it was more hopeless now than ever since his ex-wife was blaming him for Seths death.
By the end of the week I was feeling much better. I thought I might try to go back to school on Monday.
On Saturday, we went and picked up my car. I wanted to go see Asher, but Adam said to wait some more.
I talked to Mom almost every day. She said the lawyers were advising her to get out of the house as soon as possible, but she was still afraid of what Dad might do if she tried to leave him. She said he was hardly 94
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speaking to her since the beating and when he did it was like I had never existed. I was worried about her, though, worried hed become violent again and there would be no one there to help her.
As Kanes birthday drew nearer and nearer, Adam became more and more withdrawn and depressed. I wanted to do something so desperately, but what? His birthday was on Wednesday; it was Sunday afternoon when I had my brainstorm. As soon as Adam left to go visit Steve on Sunday evening (he lived one town over), I went to work. My idea was simple. But first I had to find some information.
I felt a little guilty as I began to dig through Adams desk, but I decided that the ends would justify the means. I didnt find what I was looking for, so I decided to check Seths desk. After about ten minutes of searching I was rewarded with the object of my quest.
I ran to the phone and excitedly dialed the number I had found on a scrap of paper. It rang. Once. Twice.
Three times. I was getting tense.
Hello? a voice answered. I couldnt quite tell if it was a woman or a boy whose voice hadnt yet changed.
Hello? I said hesitantly. Now I wasnt sure what to do.Hello? they said again.
Um...is this Kane? I asked.
Yeah. Whos this? I sighed with relief.
You dont know me, I started, talking fast, but my name is Killian Kendall. I know your dad. Actually, Im living with him right now cuz my dad kicked me out of my house and your dad took me in. I was Seths friend.
I paused to take a breath and Kane jumped in.
You live with my dad? he sounded excited, Is he there now? Can I talk to him?
No, he isnt here now and actually thats why I called.
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What do you mean? he sounded confused.
Your birthday is this Wednesday, right?
Yeah? he sounded even more confused.
Its all your dad has talked about for the last week.
Hes so sad cuz he cant see you. He wants to see you so bad, so I thought maybe if you called that day, it would be better than nothing. I thought it might cheer him up.
What do you mean? Why cant he see me? Mom said he never calls and that he didnt want to see me.
My heart went out to Kane. I knew how it felt to not be wanted by your father. But it wasnt true in Kanes case.
No, thats not true. He wants to see you so badly.
He cries when he talks about you. Can you call?
Definitely. I would love to talk to him. I miss him so much, Kane sounded somewhat distant, as if he was thinking about something else.
Are you okay? I asked him.
Yeah, maybe. I dont know. Why would my mom lie to me?
Um, I didnt know how much to tell him, Do you know why Seth moved in with your dad?
Mom said because he wanted to, Kane said thoughtfully, but I know Seth was happy here. He was gay, but I guess you knew that if you were his friend.
He didnt hide it. I always thought that it might have something to do with that, since he moved right after he came out to Mom.
Yeah, I knew. Were you okay with that?
Yeah, why not? He was still the same guy as always.
He was a great brother, he choked up a little. I still miss him.
Me too, I said simply. I made my decision. And so does your dad. Hes gay too, you know.
He is? he asked with just the tiniest hint of surprise in his voice. I guess I kind of suspected in the back of 96
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my mind, with the whole Seth thing. Are you too?
Yes, I am, I said. It still felt strange to say that, but very right.
Were you Seths boyfriend or something?
No, we were just friends.
Oh. Well it doesnt matter about my dad. I still love him and want to talk to him.
; So youll call him on Wednesday?
You bet I will and I cant wait.
I gave the phone number and he asked for the address so he could send letters.
Thank you for calling, Killian, he said just before we hung up. You are a good person. Im glad you were Seths friend. He didnt have many.
Im glad I was Seths friend too, I said sincerely.
We said our good-byes and we hung up. I felt very satisfied with what I had accomplished. I couldnt wait for Wednesday.
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CHAPTER NINE
I woke up the next morning excited about my day for the first time in quite some time. I was excited for three reasons. One, I was still excited about my conversation the night before with Kane. I couldnt wait to see Adams face when he called on Wednesday.
The second reason I was excited was that I was going back to school today. After missing two weeks, I was anxious to get back. I was a little nervous, too, since I knew I had been a main topic of conversation.
The third reason was that before I went to school, Mom was picking me up and taking me to the optom-etrist to get new glasses, since mine had broken when Dad punched me. I hadnt had any since then.
I was ready and dressed in my best pair of baggy jeans and a new long-sleeved T-shirt when Mom arrived to pick me up for my appointment. We made small talk all the way to the office. After Dr. Sanchez did a check up to see if my prescription was still accurate, he asked me the question he always did every time I got new glasses.
So, Killian, have you thought any more about getting contacts? he asked me.
I started to answer with my usual no thanks, but for some reason I stopped and thought about it. Why not?
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people could get used to putting them in then maybe I could, too. It was time for some changes. I was going to take control of my life and I would start by getting contacts.
Yeah, I think Id like to try them, I told him.
He looked up in surprise, You would?
Yeah, Im ready for something new.
Okay, lets take another look at a few things then,
he said. He moved the machines back over to my eyes and looked at them from different angles. After a while he sat back and said, You have great eyes for contacts.
You shouldnt have any problems. I think we even have your prescription in stock. You can take them home today.
I had to choose between disposable and permanent; I went with disposable. Then I had to decide what kind, I settled on a new kind that I was supposed to be able to put in a leave in for a month at a time. Apparently they breathed or something, whatever that meant.
Then I had to practice putting them in, over and over till I could do it relatively well. It wasnt as hard as I had feared, although it did take me about 20 minutes on each eye the first time.
I decided to wear them to school. I also asked Mom if I could get a haircut after school since I was ready for a change. Besides, my hair had grown a lot since my last haircut and it was looking a little shaggy. Mom decided that we would just go now since I was already late for school.
You might as well look your best for your first day back, she said philosophically. Who was I to argue?
We arrived at the salon Mom goes to and I was turned over to a stylish woman improbably named Bambi.
Bambi asked me what I wanted, but since I didnt really know I told her to do whatever she wanted. She let out a little squeal and said I was her dream client come 99
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true.
About a half hour later she spun me around to get my first look at the finished product. It was a short stylish cut, very different from the longish style that I had come in with. The cut was short around the ears and in the back and a little longer in the front. Bambi had parted it down the center and my naturally wavy hair had actually curled slightly.
So whatcha think? she asked me.
I love it! I told her.
After we paid for my haircut and I tipped Bambi generously, we were off for school. I was more than a little nervous by this time. I had been out for two weeks, I knew I was the main topic in the rumor mills, and I had a new look that for all I knew everyone would hate. I tried to summon up the courage that I had found earlier, the courage from the new Killian, but apparently he had stepped out for the moment.
Mom noticed, of course.
Youre gonna be fine, Killian, she encouraged me.
I know Im just your mom and my opinion doesnt really count, but I think your new look is super. You look very cute. The girls will be all over you. She paused for a moment and then added, Too bad you wont be interested.
I stared at her in surprise for a second, my mouth hanging open in shock, and then she burst into laughter. I realized she was making a joke, and I joined her in the laughter.
You should have seen your face, she gasped as we pulled into the school drop-off point.
I grabbed my backpack and then impulsively leaned over and kissed her on the cheek.
Thanks, Mom, I said, Thanks for everything.
As I jumped out of the car I saw tears forming in her eyes. I love you, she called, Have a great day! She 100
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pulled away as I turned and faced the school.
I let out a little sigh and started for the main doors. I had to check in at the office since I was late. They were all overly nice to me, telling me not to worry about being late and writing me passes and essentially telling me I could have come in 5 minutes before the final bell and it would have been hunky dory with them. I guess thats one of the benefits of being stabbed and having it splashed all over the newspapers.
At my school, we have 4-period days, meaning that each period is much longer than with the traditional 7-period days. I came in right at the end of my second period. The rest of the day went fairly smoothly, with everyone going out of their way to be nice to me.
Frankly, it was getting annoying. Id rather have just been ignored as always.
After final bell I looked for Asher. My newfound confidence was back, and I was ready to make an attempt at least to patch things up. I wanted to ask him to forgive me and see if we couldnt work things out. Unfortunately, I couldnt find him anywhere.
Adam was supposed to pick me up, since Mom had dropped me off, so I was waiting outside when Zack and Jesse approached me.
Killian, Zack said as they took up positions on either side of me.
Hi, Zack. Hi, Jesse, I said nervously.
I think we need to talk, Zack continued.
Yeah? What about?
I think you know, he countered.
Maybe, but Id rather you said, I told him cautiously.
Stop playing games, Killian, The ever-helpful Jesse chipped in.
Im not playing games. You guys are the ones that havent so much as spoken to me in weeks. Ive been in 101
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the hospital and then stuck at home.
Well, youre not at home anymore, are you? Zack said.
No, Im not, but whats that got to do with anything?
It has everything to do with everything, Zack explained patiently. Look, were not dumb. You start hanging out with Seth, you ditch us, youre in the park at night with Seth, you get kicked out of your house, and now youre back with a whole new look. Youre gay arent you?
I figured it was coming but somehow it still caught me off guard. I wasnt ready to come out to the whole school yet, and telling Zack and Jesse would be the equivalent of just that. But what could I say that they would believe? I thought frantically for a few seconds, then decided that the truth was always the best way to go...or in this case, part of the truth.
Look, Seth and I were just fri
ends. We were meeting in the park to talk, I swear. And my dad kicked me out because I went to his funeral. You know how my dad is.
They stared at me for a minute in silence, then Zack pushed off away from the building.
Okay, Killian, he said finally, Ill buy that for now, but well be watching you. I just hope that now that the fags gone you can get back to normal.
I was suddenly so furious that my sight actually blurred. Ive always heard the saying seeing red but now I knew what it meant. It took all I was to remain outwardly calm and quiet as they walked away.
I was still trying to calm my pounding heart when Adam pulled up. I jumped in the car and slumped down in my seat.
Whats wrong? Adam asked.
Nothing, I said, Just stupid people.
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No shortage of those, he agreed, Anything in particular or just your everyday, average, run-of-the-mill stupidity?
Zack and Jesse just make me so mad. I dont really wanna talk about it.
No problem. If you change your mind, Im here for you.
Thanks, Adam, I said sincerely, When I get back to your house Im gonna take my car and go talk to Asher. We need to talk about what happened.
Okay, he might be ready by now, but dont push it.
If he doesnt want to talk, let it go again for now.
I drove over to Ashers house and knocked on the door. His mom answered. She was a slightly plump lady with short curly brown hair almost just like Ashers.
She always seemed to be in a good mood. I loved hanging out at Ashers house just so I could be around her.
Her first name is Deb and shes always telling me to call her that, but for some reason Ive always called her Mrs. Davis. She was wearing jeans and a fuzzy purple sweater.
Killian, she said, sounding surprised, I havent seen you in ages. How are you doing?
Im fine, I said, Is Asher home?
No, he went out with Zack and Jesse.
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