aterovis_bleedinghearts.pm6

aterovis_bleedinghearts.pm6 Page 10

by Arlene Chance

“Oh, okay, well...can you tell him I came by to talk to him,” I paused for a moment, then added, “Tell him I said I’m sorry.”

  “I’ll do that, Killian,” she said, “And you take care of yourself, okay?”

  “Yes, Mrs. Davis. I’ll try.”

  Tuesday and Wednesday were pretty much repeats of Monday except I drove so there were no more awkward conversations with Zack and Jesse. Asher was either still avoiding me or he’d dropped off the face of the earth, but since I hadn’t heard any rumors of his 103

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  sudden disappearance I could only assume the former.

  I was a little hurt that he wouldn’t even talk to me, but Adam kept saying that he would come around eventually, to just give him time. I wondered how much time it would take. I really missed him.

  I was distracted the whole last period of school on Wednesday because I knew Kane was calling that night.

  I couldn’t wait to see the look on Adam’s face. I drove straight to Adam’s house and walked in to find Steve cooking at the stove in the kitchen. I smelled spaghetti sauce.

  “Hey there, kiddo,” he called out when I came in, then he caught sight of me, “Whoa, new look! I like!”

  “Hi, Steve. Thanks,” I said, “Smells good. I didn’t know you were coming over tonight.”

  “It was one of those last-minute kind of things,” he told me, “I know today is Kane’s birthday and it’s always really hard on Adam, so I thought I’d come over and cook dinner for you guys and offer a little moral support.”

  “Well, I have a surprise that ought to cheer him up,”

  I said with a huge grin.

  “Oh yeah? And what’s that?”

  “If I told you then it wouldn’t be a surprise, now, would it,” I teased.

  “What wouldn’t be a surprise?” Adam asked walking into the kitchen.

  “Ah ah ah,” Steve called over his shoulder as he dumped the spaghetti noodles into the boiling water,

  “If I can’t know then neither can you.”

  Adam walked over and slipped his arms around Steve’s waist and kissed him on the back of the neck.

  “Hey, don’t distract the cook,” Steve laughed, “And if you’re trying to get the secret out of me, it won’t work because I don’t know it.”

  Adam let his arms slip out from around Steve and he 104

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  picked up a spaghetti strainer and advanced on me.

  “Tell me the secret or I’ll strain you,” he said menacingly.

  I burst out laughing and Steve and Adam quickly joined in. It was quite a festive atmosphere in the Connelly kitchen, and I felt totally relaxed and happy for the first time in just about as long as I could remember. I sat at the kitchen table under the warm yellow light from the overhead lamp while I did my homework.

  Steve and Adam puttered happily around me as they finished preparing the dinner. At some point someone put on a Santana CD and the sounds of guitar mixed with the pungent smell of garlic and oregano, filling the house. I was home.

  We had just settled around the table to eat when the doorbell rang.

  “Who could that be?” Adam wondered.

  “I’ll get it,” I offered, jumping up before anyone else could.

  I opened to the door and almost passed out. It was Kane!

  “Kane?” I hissed, “Oh my gosh...I thought you were gonna call. How’d you get here?”

  “You must be Killian,” he whispered and with a shy smile offered his hand.

  I nodded as I shook it. I couldn’t believe he was here.

  He stood there in black baggy shorts (even though it was very chilly outside) and an oversized gray sweatshirt with a red T-shirt peeking out around the collar. He looked like a lost little boy. He was even shorter than I was, maybe about 5’6" or so. His hair was a beautiful reddish-brown color that shone in the porch light. He was absolutely beautiful.

  “Um...is my dad here?” he asked me after a few seconds.

  I realized I was staring and quickly looked down.

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  “Um, uh, yeah,” I stuttered, “He’s, uh, in the kitchen.”

  I stepped back to allow him in, and as he stepped by I noticed he had a backpack slung over his shoulder and he was carrying a skateboard by the front axle.

  “Who is it, Killian?” Adam called from the kitchen.

  Kane’s eyes lit up at the sound of his father’s voice.

  “Just a sec,” I called back, then spun back to Kane.

  “How did you get here? Are you staying?” I was trying to keep my voice down but it kept climbing up.

  “I caught a bus and then a taxi,” he explained, trying to match my low tones. His eyes kept sliding down the hallway towards the kitchen doorway. “I don’t know what I’m doing. Mom’ll flip when she finds out I’m not really at Chad’s house. But I don’t care. I just had to see Dad.”

  “Well, hold on a second,” I told him. “I’ll go in and set it up. Oh man, this is so much better than just a phone call.”

  Kane giggled nervously and I shushed him. I motioned him to follow me as far as the kitchen door. He stayed just out of sight as I walked on in.

  “Who was it?” Adam asked. He and Steve had started eating already.

  “Well, remember that surprise I mentioned earlier?”

  Steve and Adam both looked up curiously now.

  “Yeah?” Adam said.

  “Well, it didn’t turn out quite how I expected, but I’m pretty sure you’ll like this even better.”

  “Like what, Killian?” Adam asked me, “Whatever it is I’m sure I’ll love it.”

  I took a deep breath and motioned to Kane. He stepped slowly in the light of the kitchen.

  For a few moments you could have heard the pro-verbial pin drop. Then suddenly Adam leaped up from the table with a clatter of discarded silverware and ran towards Kane, lifting him up off his feet in a huge bear 106

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  hug.

  They spun around silently for a few moments before Adam set him down gently on his feet. When he pulled back there were tears running down his cheeks.

  He cupped Kane’s face in his hands, “Kane! How did you get here? Does your mother know you’re here?”

  “I caught a bus and no, she doesn’t know yet,” Kane answered. He sounded just as emotional as Adam.

  Adam pulled him in for another hug and turned to me.“This was your doing?” he asked me.

  “Sort of,” I admitted, “but I just thought he was gonna call.”

  “Well, thank you,” he said as he reached out and drew me in the hug as well, “Thank you from the bottom of my heart.”

  Steve cleared his throat and our little huddle broke up.“I think some phone calls might be in order,” he suggested gently. Steve seemed to be the voice of reason around here.

  “Yes,” Adam agreed, “We need to call your mother.

  But first let’s eat, before the food gets cold. And oh...how could I forget? Let’s sing “Happy Birthday” to Kane!”

  After singing a rousing chorus of “Happy Birthday”, we set another place at the table and once again settled down to eat. There was a lot of excited conversation and explanations, how I’d found Kane, how he’d gotten there. It felt like a real family. Maybe not a family in the traditional sense, but a family nonetheless. When everyone was finished and the dishes had been rinsed and stacked in the dishwasher, Adam sighed.

  “Well, I think we’ve put this off long enough,” he said,

  “Let’s call your mother, Kane.”

  Kane took the phone and called home. After a few rings, he began to talk, explaining quickly where he was.

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  It seemed to go downhill from there. We could only hear his side of the conversation, but things obviously weren’t going well.

  “But Mom,” he kept saying, but she apparently kept cutting him off. Finally he just sighed and held the phone out to Adam, who visibly winced. He reluctantly took the phone.

  “Hello, Eve,” he said evenly. He listened for a moment with his eyes c
losed. “No, I had no idea he was coming here.” Pause. “No, I didn’t secretly sneak him down here.” Pause. “No, Eve, this is not a kidnapping, don’t call the police. There’s no sense in blowing this out of proportion.” Long pause. “That’s fine, then, I’ll look forward to seeing you.” He hung up the phone.

  “About as much as I look forward to a having all my teeth ripped from my head while having all my body hair plucked and being set on fire and...and...”

  I couldn’t help it; I started giggling. Adam looked over at me with a half-smile and after a few seconds began to chuckle. Soon we were all laughing and the easy feeling from earlier was back.

  “So what was said?” Steve asked.

  “A lot that I won’t repeat, thank you,” Adam said with a wry smile, “but the gist of it once we’d estab-lished that I was a no-good kidnapping bastard was that she’ll be down late tomorrow afternoon to pick you up, Kane.”

  “So I get to stay the night?” he asked excitedly.

  “Yep,” Adam said, “And we’d better make the most of it, cuz it might be the last time for awhile.”

  We sat around talking and laughing for the next hour.

  Kane turned out to very funny and clever once he got used to everyone. Things got a little bogged down once when we started talked and reminiscing about Seth. We all cried a little, but eventually Kane and Adam got to telling anecdotes about Seth when he was younger and 108

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  soon we were all laughing again, but now with a bitter-sweet undercurrent. Suddenly the doorbell rang again.

  Everyone turned and looked at me.

  “What?” I said.

  “Another surprise?” Steve asked.

  “If so, it isn’t mine,” I told them, “But I’ll go get it anyway.”

  I got up off the couch and walked to the front door. I flipped on the light as I opened the door, then froze.

  “Hi, Killian,” Asher said.

  I stood staring at Asher with my mouth hanging open.

  He was just about the last person I expected to see.

  “Mom said you stopped by,” he said in the silence.

  “Two days ago,” I answered.

  “Look, can we talk?” he asked, “Either inside or out, it doesn’t matter, but I feel dumb standing at the door.”

  I thought for a second then called into the house, “It’s for me. I’ll be a few minutes.”

  I stepped out onto the porch without waiting for an answer, shutting the door behind me. I stared at him expectantly. He was wearing a green World Jungle jacket over a sweatshirt and cargo pants. I waited and he waited. Finally, I couldn’t stand the silence any more.

  “So you said you wanted to talk?” I asked.

  “Yeah, look, I’m sorry, Killian. I’m sorry I got mad the other day and I’m sorry I’ve been avoiding you.

  Adam explained to me how upset this whole thing has got you. How when something like that happens it scares you. Takes away your sense of safety and makes it harder for you to trust people.”

  “He said all that?” I was amazed.

  “Yeah. I guess I should’ve accepted it then, but I wasn’t ready. I’ve been thinking about it a lot, and I think I’m ready to forgive you and move on if you want to try.”

  “I do want to try,” I told him, “but I don’t know.”

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  “What do you mean you don’t know?” Asher said with confusion in his voice.

  “What if every time we have a problem you run off like that? Plus after you told me all that stuff that Adam said, maybe I shouldn’t even be in a relationship right now. And I’m not ready to come out to the school. I don’t want to end up like Seth.”

  I ended on a choked note and suddenly started crying. Why did I always seem to start bawling whenever Asher was around?

  Asher stood awkwardly for a moment, then moved closer and wrapped his arms around me. I cried on his shoulder for about a minute before he started talking.

  “As far as my running goes, I don’t know. I’ll try my best not to, but I don’t guess I can make any guarantees. It’s my personality. I hate conflict and I’ll do whatever I can to avoid it.”

  “Like I enjoy it,” I sniffled into his arm.

  “No, I know you don’t enjoy it, but you don’t run from it, either, like I do. Look how you stood up to Zack and Jesse and then your dad. But only you can know whether you are ready for a relationship or not, but I’m willing to take the risk if you are. And as far as coming out at school, I have no intentions of doing that whether we are together or not. Whatever you decide, I’m here for you.”

  I nodded against his shoulder and pulled back a little so I could look into his face. I’d never really noticed his eyes before. They were an odd color, kind of a silvery-gray color. They were beautiful.

  “What?” he asked.

  “It’s...nothing,” I said, “Can I have some time to think about it? I’ll call you tomorrow after school. I promise.”

  Asher nodded and stepped back, quickly stepped in close again and kissed me softly on the lips. And then 110

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  he was gone.

  I stood alone on the porch for a few minutes before going back inside. If anyone noticed that I’d been crying, they were all too polite to ask why. After a few more hours of talking, Adam announced that it was time for bed. This caused a bit more discussion about where Kane was going to sleep. Finally, it was decided that he would share my room. Steve, of course, was sleeping with Adam. We all took turns in the bathroom and then we went into our respective rooms.

  Seth’s bed was pretty large, so Kane and I decided to share it instead of one of us having to sleep on the floor.

  I was a little worried that he wouldn’t want to share a bed with a gay guy, but it didn’t seem to faze him in the least. We stripped down to our T-shirts and boxers and climbed into bed. I snapped out the light and we settled in, squirming and wiggling to get comfortable. We said our good nights and then silence fell.

  Just as I was about to drift off, Kane cleared his throat.

  “Thanks a lot for calling me, Killian.” he said quietly. “I don’t even know how to thank you.”

  He sounded a bit choked up and for just the briefest second all I could think was, “Oh no, not more tears.”

  Then I got a hold of myself and found my voice.

  “You don’t have to thank me, Kane,” I told him, “I’m just glad to see how happy you guys are. This is the closest I’ve ever felt to what a real family must be like.

  That’s all the thanks I need.”

  “You are so awesome,” he said, still sounding a bit weepy. “Why are you living here?”

  I decided to give him the condensed version, “My dad kicked me out when he found out I was gay.”

  “How did he find out?” Apparently he wasn’t satisfied with just an abridged tale.

  “I went to Seth’s memorial service and he was there and he got really angry and started yelling at me and I 111

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  just told him.”

  “How did you know you were gay?” he asked me.

  I thought for a minute. I guess all the questions were normal. This whole thing must be so confusing for him.

  My heart went out to him as I thought about all he’d been through — losing his father and not seeing him for years, then losing his brother, first when he moved away and then in death, then finding out that both his father and his brother are gay.

  Finally, I answered slowly, “You just know, really.

  Seth told me that he thought I was. He kissed me and I freaked out, but afterwards it made me think and I realized that I knew I was in my heart. I had just been blind. Seth said the same thing; that he just knew.”

  “I have to tell you something. Please don’t be mad at me,” he said.

  Could he be gay too? Or maybe he actually hates gays and he’s going to tell me to go sleep on the couch. Or maybe...

  “I went to check on you when you were gone for awhile tonight and saw that guy kiss you on the front porch. I didn’t mean to, like, sp
y on you or anything. I hope you’re not mad.”

  “No, it’s okay,” I said quietly and with a little relief.

  “Is he your boyfriend?” Boy, Kane was just full of questions.

  “I don’t know. Maybe. His name is Asher. We’ve been friends since we were kids. He just told me recently that he’s had a crush on me for years. We’re still working stuff out. I don’t know if we’ll end up together or not.”

  He was quiet for a while and I thought he must have gone to sleep so I started relaxing.

  “I hope you find someone that makes you happy, Killian,” he said suddenly, making me jump. “You deserve that. You’re the nicest guy I’ve ever met. Will you be my big brother now that Seth is gone?”

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  And then he was crying, of course. And by now we all know how easy I cry; it takes a lot less than that to get me started. I rolled over and wrapped my arms around him and just held him till he was cried out.

  “Thanks,” he sniffled. I don’t usually act like this, really.”

  “Kane, you don’t have to apologize to me. You’ve been through a lot and I would be more than honored to be your big brother.”

  “I wish I lived with Dad,” he said wistfully. “Then I could be with you guys all the time.”

  I gave him a final squeeze and then let go and rolled back over. “We’d better get some sleep now, Kane. I have school in the morning still.”

  “Yeah, you’re right. Good night, Killian.”

  “Good night, Kane.”

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  CHAPTER TEN

  How I ever got any sleep with that incredibly beautiful boy sleeping just inches from me I’ll never know, but I did. I slept like a rock. (A strange saying that. Just how do rocks sleep?)

  All I could think about all day at school was what I was going to tell Asher when I got home. And when I wasn’t thinking about that, I was thinking about Kane.

  He’d captured my attention in much the same way that Seth had, and yet they were so different. But why was I even worrying about Kane? He lived in Baltimore and, more importantly, he was straight.

  As soon as school was over I rushed right back to Adam’s house, or what I was starting to think of as home. There was a strange car in the driveway when I got there.

 

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