I agreed with whatever she said just so I could get off the phone quicker, so I wasnt entirely sure what I had agreed to wear. I figured Id find out sooner or later. It turned out to be sooner, since I didnt make it out of the room before the phone rang yet again. I answered, expecting Gilly again, but this time is was Jake.
Hey, Killian, he said as soon as I answered, Im really sorry about what happened today. I mean about everything, the boathouse, in my room, with Todd. I dont know what was going on with me. Id blame it on the moon or something, but I dont know whether its full or what. Anyway, Im just really sorry about everything.
Jake, its okay. Dont worry about it.
Just forget about it, huh? Like before? I could hear the smile in his voice and I could just picture the lopsided grin that I was growing so fond of. You know, Killer, I really like you a lot.
I started a little when he called me Killer, but I quickly recovered. I like you too, Jake.
No, I like you a lot, Killian. I want to spend more time with you, but I dont know how with Gilly and Todd and all.
Hey, were friends right? Friends spend time with each other.
Yeah, I guess youre right. Do you think maybe we could be more than friends?
Maybe, but lets take things one step at a time for now. I think we were moving a bit too fast today. Its probably a good thing Todd walked in when he did.
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Yeah, I guess youre right. Well, I probably wont see you really before the costume ball, but I know what you are wearing so Ill look for you.
At least one of us does. What am I wearing?
He laughed again, Gilly wants you to dress up in some costume she found in a thrift store. I saw it and I guess its pretty cool. Its like this long black hooded cloak that goes over this tunic thing and tights with a fake sword and all. It looks kinda creepy, but cool. Gilly bought this cloak of her own, so I guess you guys are going as a medieval couple or Shakespeare in love...I dunno.
Did you say tights?
I havent decided what Im wearing, so I guess youll be surprised.
Tights?
Hey, Killian, I have to go. I shouldnt have stayed on here this long. I just wanted to apologize and all. Ill talk to you later, okay?
I have to wear tights?
Yes! he laughed, and I, for one, am looking forward to seeing it! Bye, Killer.
His calling me Killer snapped me out of my horror at the thought of wearing tights, Bye, Jake.
I hung up and turned around to find Asher sitting on the edge of my bed looking like he might cry at any second. So was that my cousin Jake? he asked.
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CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
My mind raced as I decided the best way to answer Ashers seemingly simple question. How much had he heard? If hed been there for more than a few minutes then hed heard me tell Jake that I liked him. There was no point in lying either way.
Yeah, I said simply.
Asher closed his eyes for a second and then opened them again. Pain flashed out of them like the beam from a lighthouse.
Asher, I started, not sure where I was going with it but feeling as if I had to say something.
You dont have to explain anything to me, Killian,
he said quietly. You dont owe me anything. You said you wanted us to be friends and thats all we are.
Asher, I tried again, still not sure what I wanted to say.
Killian, look, I heard you tell Jake that you liked him.
You also told him that you wanted to take things slow, so that means you want to pursue something with him.
I didnt even know he was gay, or bi, or whatever he is, but its obvious where that leaves me. I opened my mouth again, but he kept right on, Dont say anything, please. Itll only make it worse. Ill be okay, if thats what youre worried about. Ive lived without you just fine so far and Ill survive again. Yes, I care about you a lot; 205
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maybe Im even in love with you. I dont know because Ive never been in love with anyone before, so I dont know what to compare it to. I do want to be friends with you at least. Just...I think Ill need some time for a while. Ill let you know when Im ready. Id better go now before I do something that would embarrass us both.
With that, he stood up and walked toward the door.
Asher, wait, I yelled, louder than I intended, but it had the desired effect. He stopped in his tracks, but kept his back turned towards me. Yes, I like Jake. He is gay and Im attracted to him and yeah, maybe it could develop into something more, but for now, we are just friends same as you and me. I never stopped liking you, but I dont think Im in love with anyone, you or Jake. I just need time to figure all this out. In the meantime, I hope you dont think Im being too selfish because I want to stay friends with you.
Asher slowly turned and faced me again and I could see the glistening tracks left by a few tears that had managed to squeeze through.
I dont think you are selfish and I dont want to be either, so if being with Jake is what makes you happy, then I want you to be with Jake. But I dont want to lose our friendship either; its the best thing in my life.
We both moved towards each other at the same time and hugged tightly. Asher started to cry quietly on my shoulder and I pulled him closer as I rubbed his back.
No matter what, well always be friends, I whispered into his hair.
He pulled back a little, keeping his arms around my neck, then leaned in for a quick peck on the 206
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lips. I really do have to go, Kill, he said softly.
Okay, Asher, I said, stepping back. He turned and walked out, pausing in the doorway before continuing out of sight.
* * *
The next week passed quickly, with preparations for Kanes arrival and the costume ball. Adam bought a set of twin beds to replace the double bed in our room and another dresser was moved in from the guest room. I tried on my costume, which I had to admit looked really awesome. I was over at Gilly and Jakes several times that week helping them decorate, but Jake and I kept our distances under the watchful eye of Todd. Their mom was always around somewhere, but I never saw their dad. I talked to Asher a few times but we didnt really hang out or anything. Before I knew it, Friday had arrived; and that meant that Kane was supposed to be at the house by the time I got home from school. I was excited as I drove home, at what was probably an unsafe speed. It was like I was officially gaining a brother today. I pulled up beside Eves car and ran inside. Kane was just coming down the stairs and he leaped the last few steps and threw himself at me with a feral howl, flinging his arms around my neck in a huge bear hug that I thought would break my spine. For a little guy, he had surprising strength.
When he finally let me go and I had caught my breath enough to speak, I panted, Kane! I cant believe youre actually moving in!
I know! It all happened so fast. One day Im wishing I could live here and the next Im here. And I owe it all to you, big bro! With that, he launched himself at me again. If this kept up Id need a neck brace before long.
Well isnt this touching? a caustic voice said from 207
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above. I looked up to see Eve standing at the top of the stairs in all her fairy splendor. She was wearing a long white, airy dress with a scarf that almost seemed to float around her. It created an eerie effect of wings. As she walked down the stairs, the dress and scarf swirled around her in a mesmerizing ethereal display that made it seem almost as if she was floating. When she reached the bottom of the stairs she broke the spell by speaking once again, Is this your boyfriend, Kane?
Mom, this is Killian. He lives here with Dad. Hes like my brother.
�
�Weve met, she said as she shot a withering glance in my direction before fixing Kane with a piercing glare,
And you only had one brother; his name was Seth. In case youve forgotten already, he was murdered because he was gay.
My mouth dropped open at the coldness in her voice, and I winced when I saw the raw pain in Kanes eyes.
Well, Kane, you know how to get in touch with me if you change your mind about all this. Ive got to go.
Tell your father I said good-bye.
With that she swept past us her scarf actually dragged across my face as she blew by. When she reached the door she stopped. At first I thought it was for dramatic effect, but suddenly she spun around and ran quickly to Kane and enveloped him in a tight hug. I was surprised by the sudden display of emotion; I hadnt thought she possessed any. It was over as quickly as it had begun, and she was out the door before Kane could even react, leaving him stunned and more than a little confused.
He stood still for a moment, too overwhelmed to even know what to do. He looked over at me and suddenly burst into tears. My arms were around him in a moment as he cried on my shoulder.
I never knew she loved me, Killian, he gasped af-208
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ter a few minutes. I never knew and now shes gone.
She isnt gone forever, Kane, I whispered as I tightened my arms around him.
Yes, she is. She walked out and Ill never see her again. I just know it.
Kane, calm down. Wheres Adam? Wheres your dad?
He went for a walk, he said he couldnt take Mom anymore.
Okay, well listen to me, Kane. If your mom loves you, then she isnt gone forever. Shell want to see you again.
You dont know my mom. When she found out that Seth was gay, he moved in with Dad and she never saw him again. She never even mentioned him; it was like he was dead before he even died. And now he is dead and I never even got to say good-bye to him.
He started sobbing again and I led him over to the couch, where we sat down. I realized as we sat there with Kane crying on my shoulder that I had never really grieved Seths death myself. Id gone from stunned numbness right into throwing myself into finding out who killed him, but I hadnt really fully grieved his death. Of course, Id only known him for two weeks.
Still, we were already friends and we would have been even better friends if we had been given the chance.
It all seemed so surreal, now that I thought about it. I mean, I hadnt really known Seth that well, and here I was living in his house, with his dad, in his room, with his brother. I was living the life that was meant for him.
It was unsettling thought. I felt like I was in an episode of The Twilight Zone or The X-Files.
I heard the front door open, followed by footsteps.
Adam? I called.
Yeah?
Were in the living room, I told him.
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He stopped short when he saw Kanes tear-streaked face.
What happened? he said, suddenly hoarse. He was at Kanes side in a second and Kane transferred from my shoulder to his.
Hes afraid hell never see his mom again, I explained.
She loves me, Dad, and now Ill never see her again,
Kane said in a tear-filled voice.
Of course she loves you, Kane, Adam said, his voice filling up as well, Its just your mother hasnt had an easy life. Shes been hurt by a lot of people. That makes one very wary about showing their emotions. It isnt that she hasnt any feelings, its just that shes always had a hard time showing it. Im absolutely sure youll see her again.
I left them to talk alone and went up to my room
our room now. Theyd already moved his stuff into the room, but he hadnt had a chance to put anything away yet. I decided to try to start putting some stuff away for him. I hadnt made much progress a half-hour later when Adam and Kane joined me. Kanes eyes were still red and he was still sniffling a little, but he seemed much better. We worked together for a few hours until we had his clothes and stuff put away. By then it was past time for dinner so we all went out to a nice restaurant to celebrate.
During dinner, the subject of the costume ball came up and we decided that Kane should go so he could meet everyone at once. I would call Gilly to be sure it was okay, but I was pretty sure it would be; it was a pretty big affair. The only thing left was to find a costume for Kane, so after dinner we headed to Wal-Mart.
Pretty much everything was gone, but we managed to come up with a fairly decent vampire costume. Not entirely original, but pretty good for last minute.
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After that, we went back to the house and spent the rest of the night just talking and relaxing. It felt natural and right, as if Kane had always lived here. Before we knew it, it was late and we knew we had all better get to bed, we still had some running around to do the next day before Kane and I went to the party.
After all the bedtime rituals were over and done with and Kane and I were settled in our respective beds and the lights had been turned out, silence descended. It wasnt long, though, before I heard sniffling sounds from Kanes side of the room.
Are you okay, Kane? I asked softly, barely more than a whisper.
Yeah, he whispered back, I guess so. Its just...theres so much going on right now and Im so confused...and its kinda weird being here for the first night. Do you think I could sleep with you like I did last time?
Well, the beds not as big as before, but I guess so.
The words had barely left my mouth before he was sliding under the covers next to me. He wiggled around for a few seconds, then rolled over and finally settled with his back to me. I laid there for a while, watching him breathe, then I slipped my arm over him and started to drift off to sleep. Just before I passed the threshold between wakefulness and sleep, I heard Kanes barely audible voice.
Tell me again how you knew you were gay.
I thought for a moment about how to answer that.
Id already told him once and I knew he was trying to figure things out for himself, so I decided to go into more detail than last time.
Well, like I told you before, Seth told me that he thought I was and then kissed me. It really freaked me out then, but later, I got thinking about it and realized that he was right. I knew he was right because I wasnt 211
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interested in girls at all. And it wasnt just that I wasnt interested in girls, I was interested in guys. At first I didnt want to believe it, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I was. I was really scared and felt really guilty, but I went and talked to a guy at my church and he helped me feel better about myself. Then later, I talked a lot to your dad. Hes really smart you know; he helped me a lot. Now I know that theres nothing wrong with me and its nothing to be ashamed of, its just the way I am. When Im ready, Ill come out.
Theres no big rush, Ill do it when the time seems right.
Killian, he said when I stopped to take a breath,
Do you think Im gay?
I dont know, Kane. Thats kinda something that you have to know for yourself. I cant decide for you.
Would you be mad at me if I wasnt?
I sat up and he rolled onto his back so he could look up at me in the little bit of light that the moon was providing through the window.
Why would you think I would be mad at you?
I just dont want to disappoint you. Right now, youre not just my only friend here, youre my brother.
I want you to like me. With that he started sniffling again, and I knew he was about to cry. I reached out and stroked his hair.
Kane, theres nothing you can do to make me not like you. Youre such a sweet kid. Im really glad youre my brother
. I love you already. Of course I wont be mad at you if you arent gay. I want you to be who you are and thats it. Dont let anybody else try to make you something youre not.
He sat up and threw his arms around my neck, squeezing so hard I could barely breathe.
Thank you, Killian, he whispered fiercely in my ear.
We lay back down with my arm around him again, and just as I was once again about to doze off, Kane 212
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spoke again.
I dont think Im gay. I like girls.
I stifled a giggle and squeezed him gently, pulling him tighter against my chest, Thats okay, Kane.
Good.
And soon we were asleep.
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CHAPTER NINETEEN
The next day passed quickly and fairly uneventfully, and soon enough it was time to get ready for the costume ball at the Sheridans. As I had known she would be, Gilly was thrilled that Kane was coming along.
Adam helped me and Kane with our costumes. When we were dressed we looked pretty good, even if I do say so myself. We decided not to use too much make-up on Kane since no one knew him yet and we wanted everyone to see what he really looked like. He wore his hair usually spiky hair slicked back and had his vampire teeth in.
My costume didnt require any special make-up and the hood pretty much hid my face anyway when it was up. I was still very self-conscious about the tights, but Adam and Kane assured me that they looked great with the tunic, which stopped just above my knees. The cloak was surprisingly heavy once I had it on, and I figured I would be hot for the rest of the night unless Gilly let me take it off. I didnt think she would, though, since it kind of made the costume.
When we were ready, Adam took some pictures, then surprised me by giving me the camera and telling me to be careful with it. After some final instructions about curfew and the usual parental warnings, we were off in my car.
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