The Edge of Grace

by Christa Allan

  As soon as I walked in the backdoor, I started my rant." David Collins, get your nose out of that iPad. I don't even have to see through these walls to know you're on it. I have a little matter to discuss with you. And if you weren't already in a big mess of broken, I'd be tempted to take it outside." I stopped as soon as I saw David. He was reading the newspaper. "What are you doing?"

  "Olympic arm-wrestling. What do you think?"

  He answered without moving the paper.

  I stepped over and whopped the middle of the newspaper down until I saw his face. He stayed serious for about 2.3 seconds, then laughed almost convulsively. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's just too perfect."

  "You already know?" I sat on the other side of the sofa.

  "Gavin called as soon as you left Mona Lisa's. He thinks maybe he ought to buy fewer clothes at Max's." He stopped to wipe his eyes from his laughter hangover. "Now he's wondering how many of his clients might think the same thing." He leaned over and pushed my shoulder. "Come on. It is funny. I don't remember the last time I hurt from laughing so much."

  "So happy to entertain you." I tried to sound angry, but hearing David I couldn't help but laugh myself. "But David, honestly, why didn't you tell me?"

  "Because it never occurred to me you'd think every man who walked in my house must be gay too. Why would you think that?"

  "I've only been here when Gavin was here. And he seemed to fit the profile . . ."

  "Oh, so you're gender profiling now? Not all gay men dress nicely, they don't all decorate, they don't all like Cher or Streisand or Lady Gaga. . . . Well, maybe almost all. I'll have to think about that one. They're not all Adam Lambert, and they don't wear boas . . . unless there's a costume party somewhere."

  "Maybe I need to be enrolled in Introduction to Gay 101 along with cell phone school."

  "If you ask, I'll give you a crash course because you, my dear," he patted my hand, "have terrible gaydar."

  He didn't ask too many questions about anything we talked about outside of my grand discovery of Gavin's straightness. I know I needed to bring up the subject of filing charges, but today I felt like David and I had a breakthrough. We talked about being gay and laughed. Together.

  After my lunch with Gavin, I drove home without the usual noise of talk radio and thought about prayer and how important it seemed to him in making the right decision. The right decision for David.

  If I could talk to Harrison in my head, then it wasn't so impossible for me to believe that I could have these same conversations with God. After all, they hung out in the same place, so it wasn't even a different area code.

  My prayer experience was Santa God prayers. "Here's my list God, arranged in order of preference. I'll be waiting." And that was exactly what happened. I waited for the answers on my list. If God chose to answer with His list, then I still considered my prayer unanswered.

  This idea of praying for someone else? Radical. I didn't know what might be on someone else's list. I didn't know what was best for that person. I know for certain that I wouldn't want anyone going to Santa God pretending to know what would be on my list. God already had His own list. Which meant if He had a list for someone else, then He had one for me too.

  In wanting the decision to be right for David, God was teaching me about myself too.

  40

  Ben, it's time for us to leave to go to the Goldstein Center." I stood at the door of Ben's room trying not to think of the dangers that lurked in the carpets I hadn't vacuumed in months. Or what treasures were shoved under my son's bed. Earlier, Ben and Nick had invited Sean over and the three were playing Madden football. I gave a cursory glance at the new friend. All I knew about him was that his family moved from here from Chicago a few weeks ago. They bought the Billings' old house a few doors down, and he was in Ben's class. He seemed a bit rough around the edges, like nine on his way to juvi . . . something about his slouch and no eye contact.

  Obviously, since Nick and Sean kept playing Madden football, they didn't get the message our leaving meant they needed to leave too. "Okay, guys, thanks for coming over, but we have somewhere to go," I said.

  Ben held up the Spiderman Wii game from Max. "Can I bring this?"

  "Of course," I said and walked away. Two steps later heard, "Dude, you have Spiderman? That's so gay." It might have been the first time I knew what it meant to "turn on a dime." I stepped into the room and asked, "Who said that?" I already knew Sean did, but that was part of the test.

  "Me," Sean said without hesitation. "That Wii game's gay."

  "You've never been to our house before, but just so you'll know, we don't say that here. We don't use the word 'gay' like that."

  He looked at Ben and Nick and then back at me. "Like what?"

  "To mean 'stupid.' Because when you use it that way, it means 'stupid.' I don't think you would want me to say, 'Oh, that game's so like a boy who just moved here from Chicago.'"

  "Whatever," he said. "I'm leaving now. See ya." Before the boys could answer, he walked out the door.

  After we dropped Nick off on our way to Zoe's, Ben said, "Mom, when did we have a rule about using the word 'gay' like that?"

  "Right after I heard Sean say it."

  We walked through the front doors of the Goldstein center, and the young man sitting at the desk said he'd page Zoe.

  "You're the lady who brought those desserts over at Thanksgiving. We were hoping you would come back for Christmas. Or Hanukkah." He grinned as he picked up the phone and said Zoe's name.

  "I planned to, but we had an emergency in the family."

  "My uncle got in a bad accident. So, my mom's been taking care of him. And he has a friend named Max, and he's helping too. He bought me this game." Ben handed it to him. "My name's Ben."

  He looked at the game, then handed it. "Hi, Ben. My name is Dennis. Very nice gift from your uncle's friend. I think everybody needs friends like Spiderman. Don't you?"

  "My friend said the game was gay. But my mom told him we can't use that word in our house."

  Dennis leaned on the counter with his arms crossed in front of him, and when he looked at me, I thought his eyebrows crossed too. "Really? And why is that?"

  "Cuz it means stupid."

  Oops. Something got lost in translation. "Ben, I didn't mean the word 'gay' was stupid. I meant Sean shouldn't use the word to mean that something's stupid."

  "I'm confused. Then what should it mean?"

  Dennis cleared his throat. "Oh, look, Mom, here comes the cavalry."

  Sam and Eli walked up, and one of them said, "Ready to ditch your mom and have some fun?"

  "Sure!" Ben said, then turned to me. "Sorry, Mom."

  I squeezed his shoulder. "Hey, don't be. I'm ditching you, too. See?" I pointed to Zoe who'd just arrived.

  He grinned. "Funny."

  "See you later, Ben's mom," said the other, and they left.

  "Well, that didn't work out like I planned," I said to Dennis, and wished I had an app that made me invisible.

  "So I heard." He pushed his bangs off his forehead. "I know you didn't ask me, but maybe you should define the word for him before someone else does."

  We sat outside in one of the garden areas where brick walls on three sides and fountains made it peaceful and private.

  "It's too bad you have to be old or ill to live here. I felt like twenty pounds of stress fell off my shoulders just walking through here." I kicked off my shoes and leaned back on the lounger.

  "You know, we used to try to figure that out, then it occurred to me Ethan had the same effect on people. He was peaceful, and gentle, and yet even those qualities wrapped themselves around a quiet strength. Ethan's spirit lives on through this place. I'm grateful God has blessed us with that, and I don't try to question it anymore." She reached out to pat my hand. "So, tell me about your brother."

  I told her everything from when David first called me until now, and how I struggled still trying to adjust to this new David and my confusion with church and ho
w to tell Ben. "I don't know how to be the sister of a gay brother. When I'm with Max and David, I'm fine until I remember that they're not just two guys hanging out. They're partners. And then I start thinking about what that means, you know, in practical terms."

  "I do know. I told Ethan once I didn't like thinking of my brother in bed with another man." She laughed. "He looked at me and said, 'Good, don't. Why would you want to think about that? I don't think about you and your husband in bed.'"

  "True." I sat with the sense of that for a moment. Across from me, water cascaded from a trio of antique earthen pitchers. If only I could spill out myself as easily. I watched the water falling and said, "But then I also know the reason I can be comfortable around Max and David is that they aren't physically affectionate in front of me. Harrison and I didn't think anything of holding hands or putting our arms around one another or kissing each other hello. I don't know if I can handle that, and I don't know if I have the right to ask them not to show any affection for each other when I'm there."

  "Just be honest. Tell David that. I learned with Ethan we could agree to disagree and still love each other. But, on the other side of that, I came to recognize that I wouldn't always feel comfortable. You learn to live with your uncomfortableness. Besides, the number of straight people who make me uneasy far outweighs the gay ones."

  I thought about Washington's "ick" factor and my level of discomfort with him, which I tolerated because I could benefit financially. "Yes, I get that too."

  Zoe wandered over to adjust a cluster of irises whose blooms had tipped into a nearby fountain and looked like they were lapping the water.

  "And you need to be honest with Ben. I don't think he needs anatomy and psychology courses. Ed and I don't have children, at least not yet, so it's not like I'm an authority. But I'd start by explaining to my own child how some people are born with brown eyes, some with green, and some people with blue eyes." She paused and let the water cascade over her hand." Even in the same family, different children can have different eye colors. You don't choose eye color. It just is. And blue-eyed people fall in love with brown-eyed ones. Sometimes two green-eyed people fall in love. So sometimes a girl and a boy love each other, sometimes a girl and a girl love each other, and sometimes a boy and a boy love each other."

  Though I knew her analogy would be easy to understand, I didn't know how easy it would be for me to be the one to explain. "I think Ben's more resilient than I am. More than I give him credit for." I watched a sparrow hop around the fountain, peck at the water and then fly off. "I give him lots of practice."

  Drying her hand on her linen slacks, Zoe sat back, hugged her knees to her chest. "I didn't want my friends to know my brother was gay. In some weird way, I thought it defined who I was too. Then, when I told them, I was suddenly supposed to be some authority on Gay Nation. Should gays get married? Should they have children? Be open in the military? At first, I tried to be the expert witness, and go in armed with statistics and research. Finally, when I heard about Matthew Shepard and read about other hate crimes, I realized I didn't have to be an authority on anything except loving my brother."

  "I'm embarrassed to admit that I don't know much about Shepard or any other hate crimes."

  Zoe stretched out, and said, "Come with me."

  We walked to her office where she opened a file her laptop She stood near me as I read about Matthew. A 21-year-old University of Wyoming student, he had been pistol whipped, tortured, had fractures at the back and side of his head, severe brain damage, lacerations on his head, face, and neck, and tied to a fencepost, and found eighteen hours later. An African- American man, James Byrd, was tied to the back of a truck, dragged and decapitated. Another man was beaten with nail-studded two by fours and kicked with steel-toed boots until he died. Another beaten, stabbed twenty times, and his throat slit.

  "I can't read anymore." I shut the laptop and wished I could shut out the images reeling through my brain. I couldn't stop thinking about my brother. The anger, disgust, and sadness roiled inside me, left me speechless.

  Zoe pulled a chair near mine. "I know. I know," she murmured. What I felt in my soul I saw reflected in her eyes.

  "It took eleven years after those two men murdered Matthew for the Hate Crimes Prevention Act to be signed into law. What happened to David is unconscionable, but it could have been so much worse. I hope the people who did this to him can be brought to justice. Unfortunately, the crime that killed Ethan wasn't so much hate as it was rejection, intolerance."

  "What do you mean?" How could she say dying of AIDS was related to rejection?

  "When he first told my parents, my father said he just hadn't slept with the right woman. He told me and I just couldn't understand how this muscular, attractive, intelligent man could be gay. A few weekends later, Ethan and a group of his friends, none of whom knew he was gay, went on a drinking binge in the quarter. He told us later that he spent a considerable sum of money sleeping with women. One of them was HIV positive. How's that for irony? My gay brother died from AIDS because he slept with a woman."

  41

  I need you to listen to me with your heart and your head and not talk until I'm finished."

  "You were serious about this being a serious discussion," David said, a hint of humor in his voice.

  I opened my mouth and almost dispensed a typical sisterly response, but I managed to contain my sarcasm behind a firewall in my brain. That I didn't respond with the expected comeback would speak volumes about my intention here. And I could see the acknowledgment of that in David's eyes.

  "I know how much you love your nephew. Fiercely. No one, with the exception of his father, cherishes him the way you do. In fact, you've been like a father to him. When you first came out and I ignored your calls, Ben suffered. He missed you, and no matter what I did, I couldn't make his sadness disappear. And I want you to know that I was wrong. That even if I couldn't find a way to reach out to you, I should not have stopped Ben."

  David held up his hand. "Stop. Did something happen to Ben?"

  "And if something did . . . like being bullied at school . . . what would you do?"

  He shifted on the sofa. "I hope this is a hypothetical, Caryn, because if you're trying to soften the blow of someone being cruel to Ben, then don't. Tell me exactly what happened because you know I will do everything in my power to protect him. And if kids at school are being mean, someone needs to stand up for him. No kid deserves to be bullied."

  "I could count on you to defend him, right?"

  I saw the tightness in my brother's face, the way he clenched his teeth and how his chin jutted forward, and I knew he would be angry. In fact, I counted on it. "Are you really asking me this stupid question? I don't understand why you'd even need me to answer it."

  I took a deep breath. "I know you're mad, confused, maybe even ready to go wreak havoc on whoever was responsible for causing someone you love to endure that kind of pain. Nothing's happened to Ben, but this happened to you . . ."

  He held up his hand. "Stop. You manipulated me by pretending someone hurt Ben to make a point?"

  "I . . . I didn't see it as manipulating you."

  He glared at me.

  "Okay, maybe I did. I wanted you to see that your being attacked is the adult version. And that anger you felt is what those of us who love you feel as well. If you would do anything to protect your nephew and to make sure whoever caused him hurt would have to take responsibility for that, then you understand why people you love would do the same for you."

  "Are you talking about pressing charges? Is that what all this is about?" He threw his hands up in the air. "I can't believe you're sitting here with your self-righteous indignation after agreeing with me that I shouldn't."

  "You're absolutely right. And I'd be mad at me too. Actually I am angry at me. I wasn't totally honest with you about my reasons for not wanting you to pursue criminal charges. But then, I'm suspecting you weren't either."

  His eyes narrowed. "What do
es that mean?"

  "I think you wanted to protect us—me, Max, Ben, Dad— because you knew you couldn't do it without fallout. And maybe, a little bit afraid because of the 'what if' monster. What if we do all this and the thugs walk away? What if we do all this, and I'm afraid to relive this experience? How can I be sure, if they don't walk away, that there won't be retribution somewhere down the line?"

  "And what weren't you honest about?"

  This was a moment of truth for me, but one I'd rather not have to look David in the eyes to say. But I couldn't expect courage from him and be a coward myself. "If you press charges, then you're out. To everyone. My friends. Ben's friends. Dad's friends. And I've worked so hard to build my business. I wasn't sure how much I could risk. And, I'm still not sure. But you don't deserve the indignity and pain you suffered for no other reason than because you're gay. If someone from one political party physically attacked another simply on the basis of how that person voted, the public would be outraged."

  I sat next to him on the sofa and held his hands. "I love you. Ben loves you. And the two of us want you around for a very long time. You should be able to live your life without fear of losing it just because you aren't hiding who you are. Your courage could save someone else's brother or sister or son or daughter. I want you to think about it. Talk to Max. Pray. I'm not behind you on this one, David. I'm right beside you."

  Once David decided to pursue charges, I knew I couldn't postpone my talk with Ben. If he was going to hear about his uncle and Max, he was going to hear about it from me first.

  We were on our way home from shopping for new pants for Ben. He grew out of the ones he started school with before the year ended. I said what I hoped was a prayer and decided to open the discussion about David.