Secrets and Lies

by Janet Woods

  The wage was more than she earned at nursing, and like Liam had said, she wouldn’t have to pay bed and board, which was a bonus. There was a huge sense of relief as well as a dollop of trepidation . . . for she still had to tell her family.

  ‘You’ll need at least three evening gowns and some dance shoes,’ Liam said, as her pen hovered over the signature line ready to descend.

  Esmé’s face fell as she remembered the empty spaces in her wardrobe. As a nurse she had no need for evening gowns. The long uniform dress with its starched collar and cuffs, the black stockings and shoes, were uncomfortable. It would be a relief not to have to wear it. ‘If I buy three gowns it will take all of my wages, and I’ll probably never wear them again afterwards.’

  ‘We should have taken that into consideration.’ Eric smiled. ‘There’s a shop across town that sells second-hand clothing. They should have something suitable. How about you buy her a gown, Liam? She can buy the others for herself.’

  Liam Denison nodded.

  It was a small shop front, with dressing rooms behind a curtain at the back, and a room with a sewing machine. Clothes hung on a rack. A woman came forward, a smile on her face. ‘Can I be of help?’

  Esmé found herself swept along by the excitement of it all, and she was sure she owed a fortune when they’d finished, but the cheapness of the gowns surprised her.

  ‘Well that was a waste of time,’ Minnie complained on the bus back to the hospital. ‘I didn’t even get to dance.’

  ‘It was an audition.’

  Minnie looked puzzled for a moment, and then she giggled. ‘Didn’t you fancy either of them?’

  ‘I think they’re both very professional and polite. Liam Denison is a wonderful dancer and I hope to enjoy a good working relationship with him. Besides, he’s got a fiancée.’ Her forehead wrinkled at the thought that they’d met before, but it was fleeting as well as elusive.

  The enormity of what she’d done suddenly hit her. ‘Oh Lor! Now I’ve got to face my family.’

  All the same, she was excited. For the first time in her life she’d made an independent decision about her future . . . well almost independent, since Minnie had arranged it all and she’d just gone along with it. And, when all was said and done, the cost for the gowns wasn’t as high as she’d first imagined it would be, and her wage was much more than she’d earn at the hospital . . . and higher than Minnie’s.

  That hadn’t gone unnoticed by Minnie, who grumbled, ‘Why are you getting more than I am, when my job carries much more responsibility?’

  ‘I have to maintain a wardrobe, I suppose. I’ve already spent a week’s wages on clothing.’

  Minnie cheered up at that. ‘At least we’ll have a free company uniform, and the nurse’s outfit looks smart with the white dress and the blue company badge and blazer. All we have to do now is hand in our notice and tell our families.’ She grinned. ‘Mine won’t give a damn, but good luck with yours.’

  Esmé´s face fell. ‘Matron first?’

  The pair nodded. ‘We’ll do it together now . . . after you,’ Minnie said.

  ‘No, after you, since it was all your idea in the first place.’

  Matron let them know in no uncertain terms that she was not happy, and the news reached home before Esmé did.

  Her sister was furious. ‘You’ve thrown in your job? Are you insane, Esmé? We spent all this time supporting you through your training, and you just walk away from it without giving us another thought.’

  ‘On the contrary, Livia, I gave the family a great deal of thought when making this decision. It’s not as if it’s for ever, and I’ll have my training to fall back on.’

  ‘But a dancer . . . on a ship . . . goodness knows what kind of people you’ll be associating with.’

  ‘Passengers who can afford to go on cruises mostly, I expect. I’ve invited my employer over to meet you.’

  ‘When?’

  ‘Tomorrow afternoon. The dance director is coming to tea with his friend.’ She handed over a box. ‘I bought a fruit cake for the occasion.’

  Livia hardly gave it a glance. ‘You could have given me more notice.’

  ‘Oh, you needn’t go to any trouble. I’ll do everything.’

  ‘It’s no trouble,’ Livia snapped, then wailed, ‘I don’t know what Denton will say.’

  ‘He’s already had his say. I told him, and I’ll tell you. I think the ear bashing he subjected me to was totally unfair.’

  ‘Why didn’t he ring and tell me?’

  ‘I asked him not to. This is my business, and I wanted to tell you all myself. I had it all planned in what I thought was a fair order. Matron first, and then Denton, before it got round the hospital and he heard it second-hand, and then you.

  ‘But Matron chewed my ear off, and she went running to Denton, who did the same to you. Now it’s your turn. No doubt you’ll ring Chad and he’ll have a go at me, too. Well, get it over with because I doubt if you’ll have anything new to add. It’s become a big drama with everyone feeling slighted. For God’s sake, Livia, all I’ve done is change my job. Didn’t you ever change yours?’

  ‘No . . . I was sent from the orphanage to become a maid at Foxglove House, and until I married Richard I worked my fingers to the bone, and my wages went to help look after you and Chad.’

  Esmé summoned up some courage. Livia was resorting to emotional blackmail. It wasn’t fair, and she wasn’t going to stand for it any more. ‘It wasn’t my fault we were in the orphanage, and it’s wrong of you to use it as a lever every time I try to be independent. It’s not as if I’m going away for good. Once Liam Denison’s dancing partner is able to perform I’ll probably take up nursing again. I’ve got the address of a nursing agency in Australia.’

  ‘But a boat . . . our parents died in a boating accident.’

  ‘It’s a ship, not a boat.’ Though she tried to stop them, tears damned up in her throat and she choked out. ‘You’ll be telling me you sacrificed yourself to Richard Sangster in marriage on my behalf next. You didn’t, did you?’

  It seemed as though the world held its breath. Livia stared at her, face pale and stricken. Over the sound of the clock ticking away the seconds she whispered, ‘That’s a filthy thing to say. Is that what you think?’

  Esmé knew she’d gone too far. ‘No . . . God no! Why are we arguing like this over a damned job? I won’t take it. I’ll stay home, and that will please every one. In time I might be able to repay the debt you seem to think I owe you.’

  ‘You have no home.’

  ‘What are you talking about? Of course I have a home.’

  ‘No, this is my home . . . mine and Denton’s.’ Tears scalded her sister’s cheeks. ‘You want independence; it’s yours for the taking. I’ll need your room, anyway. I think I’m expecting another child in the spring.’

  ‘Oh, Livia . . . I didn’t know.’ She placed a hand on her sister’s arm, only to have it shrugged off.

  ‘Of course you didn’t know. I hardly know myself. I’ll be going to pick the children up from school soon. After that I’m going shopping. Be gone by the time I get back. You can use the case from the storeroom for your things. And if that fly-by-night and his friend turn up tomorrow, I won’t be in.’

  ‘Don’t worry; I’ll tell them not to bother, in case they disturb your smug little world.’

  Livia slammed the front door shut when she left, in fine temper.

  ‘You know you don’t mean it, Livia,’ she shouted after her.

  ‘I most certainly do.’

  As the car drove off Esmé began to cry. She was crushed by the outcome of this argument, weighed down by the heaviness of it on her conscience. God only knew how Livia felt.

  Whiskers came down to weave around her ankles. She picked him up and held him, purring against her chest.

  ‘I might not see you again for a while, Whiskers, but Meggie will look after you.’

  When she told Minnie of the argument, her friend shrugged. ‘Thank goodness I
haven’t got any relatives telling me what to do . . . well, only my disapproving stepmother, who intends to leave everything my dad provided her with to her own children. She thinks I’m a flighty creature who will come to no good, and she can’t wait to get rid of me.’ Minnie giggled. ‘She could be right.’

  ‘My sister will come round when she cools down,’ she told Minnie later.

  But Livia didn’t. She didn’t accept her calls, and Denton took his annual leave. Matron was barely civil to them both and the following few weeks were filled with gloom.

  A lump of misery settled in Esmé’s stomach.

  She went out to Evesham House, but the place was empty, except for the cleaning lady, who told her, ‘Mrs Elliot was looking tired and run-down. Her doctor has prescribed an iron tonic, and her husband has taken them off to Cornwall for a week’s holiday. I’m giving the place a thorough clean through while they’re away. I thought you’d have known, Miss Esmé. You usually go with them on family holidays.’

  ‘Not this time. I’m starting a new job tomorrow. I’ll write my sister a letter while I’m here.’ She left a note for Meggie and the boys, as well, promising to send them postcards.

  She rang Chad from the nurses’ quarters. He was in a hurry, but he gave her the usual lecture. Annoyance flared in her. ‘I don’t need this, Chad. I just wanted to say goodbye. Wish me luck, would you. I’d like to know there’s someone left in the world who actually wishes me well.’

  ‘Of course I do . . . we all do, because we love you. But you can’t blame anyone but yourself, since you’ve put yourself outside of the family.’

  It sounded to her as though they were putting her outside.

  ‘You know, Esmé, the least you could have done was let people know of your plans beforehand.’

  ‘I thought I had.’

  ‘But not until you’d decided.’

  ‘It happened too quickly. I was offered the job and had to make a decision right away. You do see that, don’t you Chad?’

  ‘If you can make your mind up that fast, you can change it just as easily.’

  ‘I’ve signed a contract. Besides which, I don’t want to change my mind.’

  ‘Dancing . . . who would have thought.’ He sighed. ‘At least you’ve got a worthwhile career to fall back on . . . something the family needn’t feel ashamed of.’

  ‘Ashamed, why should they be? Anyone would think I was going off to become a Parisian cancan dancer.’

  ‘You’re not, are you?’

  He sounded so horrified that she gave a short huff of laughter. Or was it a sob? She was so choked up she couldn’t tell the difference. ‘You know, Chad, you’re an awful snob at times. What’s wrong with being a cancan dancer anyway? Sometimes you forget we were raised mostly in an orphanage.’

  ‘No, Es, I’ll never forget that. I hope never to experience that sort of poverty again. Which reminds me . . . do you have enough money? I haven’t spent any of last month’s allowance yet, and you can have that if you like. It will be something to fall back on if you need it.’

  And just as she’d decided to dislike her brother, Esmé thought. ‘That’s kind of you, Chad, but I have my wages and some savings, enough for my fare home. Besides, there’s nowhere on a ship to spend money, and my board is provided.’ She sniffed back her tears.

  ‘Don’t cry, Es. I’m a born worrier, and so is Livia. As for the orphanage . . . we may have been raised there, but by her actions Livia raised us above it. She’ll come around eventually.’

  Esmé sensed another talking-to on the way and interrupted, ‘Well, I mustn’t keep you from your lecture. Goodbye, Chad.’

  ‘Good luck, sis. I know you think I’m a stick-in-the-mud, and I am. But I envy you your courage in doing this. Let me know where you are now and again so I won’t worry. And be careful that friend of yours doesn’t lead you astray. She’s got a flighty way with her.’

  ‘So has your friend . . . Leo, his name was, as I recall.’

  ‘He thought you were the cat’s whiskers.’

  ‘He has good taste, then. Goodbye, Chad. Be good.’

  ‘I haven’t got time to be anything else,’ he said gloomily.

  Tears trickled down her cheeks.

  ‘For goodness sake, will you stop weeping. It’s not as though we’re going for good,’ Minnie said, when Esmé got back to the room. ‘Let’s get packed.’

  At the last minute Matron turned up. Her glance fell on the suitcases and her lips pursed. ‘I can’t say I’m pleased to lose two of my best nurses, but good luck to the pair of you. Nurse Carr, Dr Elliot asked me to give you this before you left.’ She placed an envelope in Esmé’s hand and kissed them both on the cheek. ‘Off you go then, girls; the bus will be along in a minute, and you’ll miss the train if you’re not careful. Remember to be polite, modest and good, at all times.’

  ‘Yes, Matron, thank you, Matron,’ they said together out of habit as she marched away.

  Minnie stuck out a tongue at the matron’s retreating back, and then gave Esmé a wide smile. ‘No more of her lectures . . . Ship ahoy, my hearty!’

  Esmé didn’t open the envelope until they were on the train, and pulled out a wad of five pound notes. Minnie whistled as she counted it.

  Esmé dear,

  I couldn’t let you go off without wishing you luck. It was selfish of us to try and prevent you from running your life as you see fit. Don’t take Livia’s rejection to heart. She loves you dearly, as do we all, and I know she’ll come to regret the argument between you.

  Take care of yourself and come back safely. The money is a gift in case you need something to fall back on.

  Bon voyage, poppet.

  Denton

  Livia hadn’t forgiven her yet, that was obvious, but her sister had a stubborn streak. In the heat of the moment they had said things to each other that would have been better left unspoken, but Livia would come round eventually.

  Minnie rolled her eyes when Esmé began to cry all over again.

  Three

  The novelty of being at sea soon wore off. By the end of the first week every bone and muscle in Esmé’s body ached.

  ‘Working my passage isn’t worth the effort,’ she said, groaning as she bent to spread salve on her feet. ‘The next five weeks are going to be hell. If we’d paid our fare we could be on the receiving end of the service instead of providing it.’

  ‘All right for those with money to spare, I suppose. I didn’t have wealthy relatives to fall back on.’

  ‘They’re not wealthy, just . . . comfortable, I suppose. They’re like everyone else. My brother-in-law works for a living, and he works long hours.’ She winced as her probing finger found a new blister on her heel and a rough patch on the joint of her big toe. ‘Dash it all, I’ve got a callus, and it will ruin my stockings.’ So much for the glamorous life of being a dancer, she thought.

  ‘You’d better get used to them. At least you haven’t been seasick, like me. Now I know how pregnant women feel.’

  Esmé watched as Minnie applied her make-up. ‘Aren’t you going to bed?’

  ‘No . . . six of us are going to have a drink and play cards with Wally. He says I bring him luck.’

  ‘He probably says that to all women. You should be careful of him, Minnie. He’s a heartbreaker. That charm he displays strikes me as too practised and insincere. How are you going to get six of you in one of these little cabins?’

  Minnie sighed. ‘We’ll use one of the benches in the galley. Are you jealous, then?’

  ‘Jealous of what?’

  Minnie shrugged. ‘Because I make friends easily, I suppose. You don’t join in anything, but keep yourself to yourself. Then you criticize the people I befriend when I try to enjoy myself. You’re welcome to join us, you know.’

  ‘All I’ve ever said is that you should be careful of Wally.’

  ‘Is it because he’s an Australian?’

  Leo Thornton came into her mind and she smiled. He was an Australian, and she’d li
ked him a lot. He’d been so friendly and open. ‘Why should that bother me?’

  ‘Wally thinks you’re a bit of a snob.’

  ‘Who cares what he thinks? I’ve heard he’s a womanizer, and I just don’t want you to be hurt, that’s all.’

  ‘I like him, Esmé. I like him a lot. He told me he’s inherited a sheep station in the country, and he might move there, settle down and prospect for gold. I’m hoping he’ll ask me to go with him.’

  Oh Lor, she hadn’t considered that the flirty Minnie might have fallen for him. ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. And of course I’m not jealous of your ability to make friends. Why should I be?’

  ‘Because I attract men and you don’t . . . you can be reserved, and that keeps people at arm’s length. It must be your upbringing. You’ll end up the very image of Matron if you’re not careful.’

  ‘I doubt if Matron would ever dance in a ship’s salon, do you?’

  ‘I’m surprised that you lowered yourself enough to, with your background.’

  Minnie had forgotten it had been all her idea. Esmé didn’t want to argue with her. She gave a light laugh when she thought of the orphanage, something she kept to herself. Not because she was ashamed, but rather, it was something she’d rather forget.

  ‘I wish I had time to make friends. I work split shifts. Liam Denison keeps me busy rehearsing when I’m not setting tables, and I’m lucky if I get five hours off in the afternoon. Then I have to socialize with the guests every evening, and the men tread all over my feet. By the time bedtime comes I ache all over and all I want to do is sleep.’

  ‘You should try saying no. The pair of them use you up, and you’re allowing them to. You’re getting thin from all that exercise you do. If I were you, I’d complain.’

  Peeved, because she thought she’d left such advice behind, Esmé offered Minnie a dirty look. ‘You’re not me. I like being kept busy . . . and I like Liam.’ She liked him because he kept his distance . . . too much distance sometimes. She didn’t know what to do about the feelings she had towards him, or whether it was simply their close bodily contact. There was something remote about him and she certainly wouldn’t act on Minnie’s advice.