Learned Behaviors (Higher Education)

by Jayce Ellis

  The door blew open again and Carlton appeared, and he looked...different. Like he was tired, or the world had beat him up. Something. Jaq waved a hand and his face brightened as he made his way over. “God, I needed this,” he said without preamble. “Let me grab my drink and I’ll be back.”

  They waited until he’d done just that, then Jaq spoke. “You okay, man? Everything all right?”

  To his surprise, Carlton didn’t nod and try to play it off. “No. My niece Olivia showed up to stay with me, and it’s been a bit of a shitstorm since then.”

  “Damn,” Jaq said. “I thought she was staying with your parents.”

  “She was. That went to hell, and I’ve been jumping through hoops since. Trying to keep it together for her, make sure Trey is okay, and get us all moving in the same direction. I’m fucking exhausted.” He opened his mouth and snapped it shut, like there was something else going on that he wasn’t ready to discuss. “I need this coffee more than you can imagine.”

  “I bet,” Jaq said. “How long was your boy out here?”

  Carlton choked, and Lawrence reached across the table and pounded him on the back. “You okay?” he asked.

  Carlton nodded. “Yeah. It’s just...it’s complicated.”

  Lawrence raised his brow and dipped his head like he knew what Carlton was talking about, but Jaq was lost. To be fair, he’d been deep in his own world the past few weeks.

  Carlton took another sip, then knocked on the table. “Anyway, enough about me. What’s good, man? I know you had that launch and all. How’d it go?”

  Jaq smiled. “I have news, and I need help.”

  That got both guys’ attention. They sat straighter in their chairs and looked at him with curious eyes.

  “So, the good news first. We killed it on the launches, and we’re already contracted to do triple this year’s business next year. And I got a promotion as a result.”

  “Good shit, man,” Lawrence said, while Carlton clapped him on the back. “That’s outstanding.”

  Carlton nodded his agreement. “Fucking spectacular. You deserve it. My niece bought one of the weighted blankets,” he said, referring to a non-Bernhardt exclusive. “She loves that thing. Her anxiety has been off the charts lately and it really helps.”

  Jaq smiled. He was glad for it. In the past, he would’ve shared this good news with Gran, she would’ve been thrilled for him and called him baby, and that would have been the end of it. He’d still done that, of course, but it was nice to have others happy to see him doing well.

  “So, what do you need help with?” Lawrence asked, bringing him back to the present.

  He took another sip of his coffee before he thunked it down. “Matt, that guy I was talking to. The one from homecoming? He and I had a difference of opinion, and we haven’t spoken outside of a few texts in over a week. I’m afraid it might be over and I don’t know how to bridge the gap.” Because neither of them was perfect, and they’d both said some dumb shit that day. Jaq had no intention of being a fucking damsel in distress waiting for Matt to make the first move.

  “And I take it you don’t want it to be over?” Lawrence said.

  Jaq shook his head. “No. I like this guy. I enjoy spending time with him.” I miss him.

  “Sex was bomb, wasn’t it?” Carlton asked.

  Jaq laughed and grabbed a napkin to wipe his mouth, then winked. “Sex was on point.” He sighed. “But it was more than that.”

  “We could tell,” Lawrence said dryly. “No one gets as pressed as you did during homecoming over just some good dick.”

  Jaq snorted, then pinched his nose to stop the coffee from spurting through. “We hadn’t even fucked yet.”

  “Oh, so you’re in love with him.” As usual, Carlton cut right to the chase, saying the words that had floated around the back of Jaq’s mind, wispy and unformed.

  He shook his head and shrugged. “I didn’t think so. But hell, what do I know? I don’t even know what that shit means outside of family. I just know that the past week has sucked. That I almost followed him back to the hotel instead of coming home.”

  “Umm, what hotel?” Carlton asked.

  Shit, had it been that long since he’d checked in? Now he felt like a bad friend, and was doubly grateful they hadn’t hesitated to reach out. He told them about the “work” wedding, Tanisha’s asthma attack, and his decision to come home. Lawrence got real interested in his coffee, but Carlton straight up winced. Yeah, they thought he was dumb for coming home early too.

  “So what do y’all think? I have everything the way it used to be and it hasn’t been the same and I kinda fucking hate it and I don’t know what to do.”

  Carlton and Lawrence exchanged a glance, then looked at him. “Yep. In love,” they said in unison.

  Jaq sighed and set the coffee back down. Now that the word had been thrown out there, he was in no big rush to refute it. “Okay, then now what? How do I go from I might be in love with him, to I think things are fucked up, to getting things back the way they were?”

  “You don’t want things back the way they were,” Lawrence said.

  “What do you mean? I want to be with him.”

  Lawrence waved his hand. “That’s not what I said. Clearly something happened to make you walk away. You don’t want to go back to that same shit. You want to go to something new, something better, right? So what do you want to change, from him, from yourself, from whatever, so that you can be together in a new way?”

  “And fight over new shit,” Carlton added. At Jaq’s raised brow, he shrugged. “Who wants to fight over the same shit? You fight, you come to an agreement, you move down that path together, and you find new shit to fight over.”

  Jaq paused. He hadn’t thought about it that way, but Lawrence was spot-on. He had no interest in going back to a Matt who didn’t get off the phone in time for family dinners, who spent long nights at the office because there was no one to delegate to, who sacrificed his family—and he hoped he could one day be included in that—for his career time and again.

  The flipside was that, if he was being honest, Matt was way better at letting Angela be grown than Jaq was with Tanisha. And maybe it was reasonable for Matt to expect him to let T be an adult, to trust that the other constant in her life wouldn’t bullshit him, and understand that he couldn’t be everywhere at once. The particulars of this specific situation notwithstanding—Jaq would’ve gone to Tanisha no matter the occasion—he did have a point about letting her live.

  Shit, Carlton maybe had a point too. Things would never be perfect. If they worked this shit out, they’d come into a relationship after having raised now-adult children, gotten divorced, all that. They were bound to fight over shit, but as long as they talked—really talked—considered each other, and moved down that path to wherever they eventually ended up—together—the inevitable fights along the way would be worth it.

  “You’re right,” he said to them, sitting back against his chair with a thunk. “I don’t want to just go back to the old us. I want to be a better us.”

  “Then you gotta talk to him,” Carlton said, as though that shit was easy. Lawrence gave him a withering look and Carlton held his hands up. “What? Just because I’m not in a relationship doesn’t mean I don’t know how they’re ideally supposed to go. You’ve got to talk to him. Now, not decades from now when you’re old and gray and life has nearly passed you by.”

  “Sounds like someone’s speaking from experience,” Lawrence deadpanned, and Carlton flipped him off.

  “Man, fuck you.”

  Lawrence was entirely nonplussed. “I’m sure it’s not me you should be fucking.”

  Jaq winced. Sure, Lawrence was being a certified ass, but he’d hit something on the head. Jaq had suspected there was something going on between Carlton and Deion, but he’d gotten a little too wasted at homecoming to really put it in
to words. But from that statement, something else was there. He wasn’t surprised.

  “Thanks, guys,” he said, turning their attention back to him. “I know you’re right. I just need to figure out when to approach him.”

  “Now,” Carlton said immediately.

  Lawrence stared at Carlton, then back at Jaq. “Normally I’d say wait until after the holidays, but in this case I happen to agree with him,” he said, jerking with his thumb toward Carlton. “You’ve met his family, they already like you, and I don’t see any reason to wait. Is there anyone in the family you can talk to?”

  Jaq thought about it. The only one whose number he had was Diane, but he’d never responded. And... He paused. “His ex-wife might work.”

  Carlton sputtered around his coffee, but Lawrence just grinned. “The ex-wife? Yeah, she just might.”

  * * *

  Tanisha stood in the living room and twirled in her dress, a royal blue cocktail dress with a gold overlay instead of the more common silver, her hair pinned up and held by probably an entire container of bobby pins, her flawless makeup the results of years of playing in it. She was stunning, and Jaq’s heart lifted. She wasn’t back to her usual happy-go-lucky self, and he wasn’t sure why he’d expected her to just bounce back unscathed. Lord knew he hadn’t.

  Jaq watched for a second as Gran took picture after picture, then disappeared into his room and pulled on his navy blue slim-cut suit, before shuffling through his closet for a tie. He found one that complemented T’s outfit and threw it on, then studied himself in the mirror. He looked tired. He felt it, had felt it since returning from the wedding, but damn, he didn’t even know he could get bags like that under his eyes. He was tempted to ask T for one of her eye masks or something, but the hell with it. He slipped on his brown dress shoes and walked out to the front.

  “Ready to go?” he asked.

  “I like your suit, Daddy,” Tanisha said, giving him an approving thumbs-up and a smile that actually reached her eyes.

  “Thanks, sweet pea.” Jaq smoothed his hands down the jacket and stifled his groan. He hadn’t realized it before, but it was the same suit he’d worn the first time he’d met Matt. Trying to make a good impression and all that. He supposed he could count that as a success, even if a short-lived one.

  They settled into his car for the ride to the office. The party was always held on the top floor, which Patti routinely scheduled two years in advance. To keep interlopers away, she said. Tanisha sighed, her earlier display of I’m-fine-ness gone.

  “You doing okay?” Jaq asked, his voice unnaturally loud in the quiet of the car.

  “She’s tried to call, Daddy. Multiple times, but I’m just not ready, you know? Like, is she just calling because I had to go to the hospital, or because she wants to get back together? Because I don’t know if I can handle the first if the second’s not there.” She raised her hand to her face, then seemed to remember her makeup, and dropped it. “Maybe that makes me as juvenile as she’s always accused me of being, but I don’t even care. I don’t want her obligatory sympathy. I just want her.” The last part was so quiet, but no way could Jaq miss the earnestness in her voice.

  “Baby, I wish like hell I could tell you what to do. ‘Follow your heart’ sounds so trite.”

  She giggled, then sucked in a deep breath. “Dad, how would you feel if I said I wanted to transfer?”

  Thank the Lord they’d reached a red light, because he would’ve stopped the car in the middle of the street at that question. “What do you mean? Like, transfer schools?”

  She nodded. “I was thinking of FAMU. Get way away and focus on myself.”

  That part of Jaq that wanted to always know exactly where his daughter was and what she was doing rebelled against the idea. The part of him that knew Matt was right—that he needed to let his daughter grow up—also stomped its feet, but understood.

  “Don’t make any decisions yet,” he finally said. “Finish out this semester strong, and if that’s still what you want, I’ll introduce you to a guy who went there and do everything I can to help.”

  T leaned over in her seat, as much as her seat belt would allow, and pecked his cheek. “Thanks, Daddy.”

  They got to the office and parked in Jaq’s usual spot. He glanced at where Matt had routinely parked, a few spaces down from him, but some other car was there. He fisted one hand by his side and held Tanisha’s with the other so she wouldn’t slip on the slick pavement, and headed for the top floor.

  The elevator doors opened and Tanisha gasped. Patti had created a Winter Wonderland theme, faux snow speckled with silver adorning the floor and walls. That would be a bitch to clean. A mix of standard and silver Christmas trees, each decorated differently—one with kids’ artwork, one with traditional ball ornaments, one with all silver and gold.

  T gaped as she wandered in, stopping to finger the presents that sat at the bottom of each tree, overflowing onto three gauze-wrapped tables. “Dad, these are real presents! They have people’s names on them.” She held one up. “This is for you.”

  “Put it down,” he said, laughing. Patti had truly outdone herself this time, and Jaq was sure there were hefty bonuses—plus gifts because Patti loved giving gifts—in those boxes.

  Tanisha set the box down, turned, and squealed, taking off toward the center of the room. There was Patti, who held her at arm’s length before pulling her into a hug. T had been thirteen, still in middle school, when Jaq had started working here. Patti had been a strong part of her formative years.

  Jaq sighed. Maybe he hadn’t needed to rush back to her side, but dammit. These past four months had been the most tumultuous he could remember since Sara had left, and seeing T here now, he felt like he’d almost come full circle. He thought about the conversation he’d had with Diane a few days ago, the plan he’d gone over with Tanisha and Gran, even Carlton and Lawrence. Matt was going down to Norfolk to see Josh for Christmas, since he and Chandra weren’t going on their honeymoon until the New Year, and Jaq would be there to try to get him back. If he did, that would be full circle.

  Tanisha twirled her way back to his side while Patti climbed the steps to a little stage with every type of toy a child could imagine, complete with an absolutely giant teddy bear wearing a Santa hat. To no one’s surprise, she climbed onto the bear’s lap and grabbed a mic.

  “Kingsley Enterprises!” she yelled, and the employees erupted in applause. Tanisha clapped and wolf-whistled, while Jaq shook his head and laughed.

  “Seriously, guys,” Patti said, going pseudo-serious, “this year has been amazing. Seven brand-new collections, including the cream of the crop, Bernhardt!”

  She didn’t need to say more for another round of cheers to go up, and this time Jaq did applaud. He had to, else he’d break from the thoughts of Matt that never strayed far from his mind.

  He sucked in a big breath. It wouldn’t be long now. Patti discussed the prior launches, thanked the members of their team, and pointed them to the gifts on the tables. Everyone there seemed to instinctively know Bernhardt would be last. It was.

  “So, Bernhardt,” Patti said, flipping her hair, which looked like silver glitter had fallen into it, “Bernhardt was real slow on the uptake. We’d busted our tails for the opportunity, and when we got it, we had three months—” She paused for emphasis. “Three! To put the whole thing together and make it worthy of the name. And we did it, and not without setbacks. But it’s already one of our best-selling collections in fourteen days, and we’ve secured two more launches with them next year.”

  She climbed off the bear while more cheers and applause sounded. “There are people I need to thank.” Patti called each member of the team individually, explaining how their particular contributions helped shape the final design, even Laurel, who’d barely been on the project a week. That was part of Patti’s charm. She was intimately cognizant of people’s contributions, and n
ever hesitated to make sure everyone knew them. She never held anything for herself. It led to a strong sense of loyalty, of family, to the extent that was possible.

  “Two people in particular I need to thank. JaQuan,” she said, turning directly to him, wetness shimmering in her eyes. “You’ve put up with way more than probably any one person should in dealing with me, but you’ve been not just my support, but the support for everyone here. Thank you.”

  Tanisha squeezed him in a strong hug while people turned and applauded in his direction. Jaq fought his smile for all of three seconds before it tugged across his face. He clapped at the rest of the crew in turn, then to Patti.

  Eventually the applause quieted and Patti cleared her throat into the mic. “I have one more person to thank. Matthew Donaldson, who by all accounts has some semblance of order in his life, came into this absolute shitshow of a group and didn’t falter. He didn’t back down. He didn’t run screaming into the void like any normal person would. And, most importantly, he was the catalyst for making sure that what we produced was top of the line, of the best quality, and I’m sad he won’t be with us next year, though he’s assured me we’re in good hands. But I did want to have him say a few words. Everyone, Matthew Donaldson.”

  Jaq’s breath seized, his body frozen, his eyes scanning the room frantically before Tanisha’s soft huff focused him. He turned to her, but she was pointing forward. “There, Daddy.”

  He looked up, craning over the shoulder of one of the designers and...there. Matt was there, looking as delicious as he ever had, practically gliding across the stage. Patti pulled him into a tight hug and Matt awkwardly wrapped his arms around her. Jaq fought his grin, knowing that Matt still had to be a bit uncomfortable with Patti’s touchiness.

  Matt took the mic and walked to the front of the stage, searching the crowd. He landed on Jaq and Tanisha and smiled—a small, almost timid smile. Jaq smiled back, and even Tanisha gave him a thumbs-up, and Jaq thought it was that more than anything that loosened his posture.