The Violent Outburst that drew me to you

by Finegan Kruckemeyer

  CONNOR: Just … shut up.

  SEANNAH: Like I’d ever mess around with you anyway—you’re a joke, boy.

  CONNOR: Yeah, and you’re a moll so … Whatever. Stinking out the detention roo/

  SEANNAH: /It’s a loan uniform! The uniform’s what stinks!

  CONNOR: Mmm …

  SEANNAH: And check this! At the end of the day, I’ll take the uniform off. And I’ll have a shower, and then there’ll be nothing wrong with me.

  CONNOR: Contentious.

  SEANNAH: But you’ll get home, you’ll take off your uniform—and you’ll still suck.

  CONNOR: Wow—scary.

  SEANNAH: Yeah. Your dumb face will still be your dumb face, Connor. Your no friends will still be your no friends. You are what you ar/

  CONNOR upends his desk.

  What’re you doing, you psycho?! Mr Brenner—Connor’s gone mental!

  SCENE FIVE

  CONNOR: So after that Mum and Dad went all crazy as usual.

  CONNOR and his parents face off.

  DAD: You don’t throw a desk, Connor! That is not something you do!

  CONNOR: But … you’re wrong, Dad! ’Cause I did actually throw one so that was a thing that happened/

  MUM: /Stop being smart!

  CONNOR: I can’t help it, Mum! It’s your and Dad’s amazing intellectual genes that I’ve inherited! I just can’t thank you enough for the/

  MUM: /It’s just childish!/

  DAD: /You don’t talk to us like that!/

  MUM: /Can’t we just have one meal where/

  CONNOR: /Yeah, about that, Mum—this curry, it’s … it’s basically racist to Indians it’s that bad/

  MUM: /What are you even talking about?/

  CONNOR: You brought me up not to be racist but then you’re doing this to our friends in the East and I’m just getting really mixed messa/

  DAD: [rising] /Right! That’s it! He’s going to Uncle Mal’s!

  A backpack is placed on his shoulders and flowers in his hands. A car is heard roaring off and CONNOR gives it the finger.

  CONNOR: Love you, Mother and Father!

  Beat.

  I consider leaving the flowers on the porch, and just going off and … and finding a park somewhere, and lighting a fire, and befriending some homeless guys, and writing some bad poetry about the crazy stuff we get up to living beyond the law!

  … But then I remember I’m too soft for any of that stuff, and just get annoyed at myself for being weak.

  MAL and LORRAINE open the door.

  Hi, Uncle Mal. Hi, Aunty Lorraine. Thanks for h/

  MAL: /That’s enough, Connor. Heard you made your mum cry. And your mum’s my sister-in-law, and a good woman, and I get upset knowing she was crying. And usually I’d look at decking someone who did that. But you’re her son, which means my nephew, which means I can’t. Which is a pity.

  So get inside and watch the telly with us. Antique Roadshow’s on, and that’s my favourite programme/

  LORRAINE: /And mine too.

  MAL: And Lorraine’s too. So we don’t want no back-talk. But you are allowed to discuss the prices with us, or any observations you might have about the English countryside—they’re in Gloucester tonight. It’s lovely.

  They go and sit. CONNOR follows.

  CONNOR: Living at Uncle Mal’s House is something Mum and Dad have come up with when I push them too far—which is three times before this. But usually just overnight—this time it’s a week.

  He watches MAL and LORRAINE.

  And even though I hate admitting it, it’s a pretty clever punishment.

  MAL: That is an excellent clock!

  CONNOR: ’Cause when they were kids, Dad and Mal’s parents split up, and Dad went to live with his mum and her posh family. And so he went to uni and now he’s an antique book dealer and a bit soft (which I guess is why genetically I’m a bit soft too).

  Whereas Uncle Mal went with his dad to Coober Pedy and learnt how to box from the Croatian kids and learnt heaps about explosives and killed a full-size kangaroo on his fourteenth birthday.

  Now they’ve moved back to the city, and Mal’s met Aunty Lorraine (she washes old people for a living—even their balls and stuff). And Mum says he’s calmed down a fair bit/

  MAL: /Eight hundred pounds! What’s that in dollars, love?

  LORRAINE: Just over a grand, I reckon.

  MAL: Yeah? ’Bout twenty per cent more, is it?

  LORRAINE: Something like that.

  MAL: Right. A thousand dollars … Hey, Connor? How’s that, for a tea set?!

  CONNOR: … So he’s not a hothead anymore. But he was one, so he knows about teenagers, and he knows how to deal with me.

  Yeah, Uncle Mal. That’s heaps.

  MAL laughs and rubs CONNOR’s head.

  MAL: He’ll keep. Hey, Lorraine? He’s not a complete write-off yet.

  SCENE SIX

  CONNOR stands beside a car while MAL lies beneath it, shouting to communicate.

  MAL: There’s only two parts to a car, Connor. The part I can touch, which is everything. And the part you can, which is bugger-all. Hand me an oil gauge.

  CONNOR: What’s that?

  MAL: Long, thin metal thing.

  CONNOR: Oh.

  He hands it down.

  Sorry.

  MAL: ’S alright. You don’t know once, just ’cause you weren’t taught. But you don’t know twice, means you’re not listening and have to clean the toilets.

  CONNOR: The stuff he says makes sense—only I wish it didn’t.

  The bell rings and a LADY stands at the door.

  There’s a lady at the roller door, Uncle Mal.

  MAL: Well, go help her, ya nong. I’m busy with the car.

  CONNOR sighs and goes to her.

  CONNOR: Yeah?

  LADY: I’m here to get a quote.

  CONNOR: What for?

  LADY: Four new tyres and I think someone to look at the engine too.

  CONNOR: What’s wrong with it?

  LADY: It’s making a noise.

  CONNOR: … What noise?

  LADY: You work here?

  CONNOR: Course. This is my garage.

  LADY: You’re young.

  CONNOR: I look young. What noise?

  Pause.

  LADY: A … ‘nangananganangananganan’ … kind of like that.

  CONNOR: Right. Was there a ‘chikkachikkachikkachikka’ happening too?

  LADY: … Are you joking?

  CONNOR: Nah—usually if there’s a ‘nangananganangananganan’, there’s often a ‘chikkachikkachikkachikka’ along with it. If there is, means it’s the … gasket.

  LADY: … No. Just the ‘nangananganan’.

  CONNOR: Just the ‘nangananganan’, okay. What year’s the car?

  LADY: Ninety-seven, I think.

  CONNOR: Oh, no. If it’s a ninety-seven, there’d definitely be a ‘chikkachikkachik’ with the ‘nangananganan’.

  LADY: You’re making fun of me.

  CONNOR: Never. Have you had the … coaxials changed recently?

  LADY: What are … ? I don’t know what those are.

  CONNOR: Square things. Either side of the … alternator. Sprocket.

  LADY: … No I haven’t. Maybe my husband has, I’m not sure.

  CONNOR: That’d be it then. The ninety-sevens really build up the ‘nang-a-nangs’ once the coaxials are … (ha).

  LADY: What was that? You’re laughing!/

  CONNOR: Nah I’m not. Was there a [blowing a raspberry] ‘phhhhmhmhmhmhmhmhp’/

  LADY: /Alright, you little shi/

  CONNOR: /’Cause if there was a ‘phhhhmhmhmhmhmhmhp’, then I could forgive the absence of a ‘chikkachikka’ and guess it wa/

  LADY: /You have no right to/

  MAL: /Hey, hey, hey!

  Silence.

  What’s going on?

  LADY: Is this his garage?

  MAL: Is this his … ? No, of course it’s bloody not. He’s sixteen years old.

/>   LADY: He said he owns it.

  MAL: You little/

  LADY: /And then he’s just spent a while having a laugh at me.

  CONNOR: It was pretty funny/

  MAL: /Quiet, Connor!

  Beat.

  I’m real sorry about that. My nephew is … forgetting his manners a bit these days. Now, what can I help you with?

  LADY: Well … you could have helped me with four new tyres and some engine work.

  But now you can help by recommending another garage to go to.

  Silence.

  MAL: Sure, Miss.

  He writes on some paper.

  Brian’s a mate of mine. He’s a good guy—he’ll sort a fair price.

  LADY: Thanks.

  Pause.

  You seem nice so I, and my money, won’t give up on you altogether. But if I do come back in the future, will this idiot boy still be here?

  Beat.

  MAL: Miss, you’re right—I am nice. And Brian will do you a good deal. And this boy was being cheeky/

  CONNOR: /I wasn’t being anything!/

  MAL: /Quiet, Connor!

  [To the LADY] He was cheeky—but that doesn’t mean he’s an idiot. So you take your judgments out the door, and you don’t need to worry about you—or your money—coming back to see me anytime later. ’Bye.

  Silence. MAL and the LADY stare at each other. Finally she crumples and drops the paper, turns and leaves.

  What the hell was that about?/

  CONNOR: /I’m sorry, oka/

  MAL: /I don’t care, Connor. Sorry’s just a word people say after they’ve done something stupid. And all I care about’s why you’ve done something stupid. You’re old enough—and clever enough—to know better. You got good parents who love you, no matter how much you try to make them not.

  And I know you think what you’re going through’s just a phase. And it is.

  But what maybe you don’t know, Connor—what no-one told me—is some phases, they have memories … that hang around for years after they’re done. And those memories … they’re the awful bit. They’re the most embarrassing things you’ll ever feel and you’ll keep feeling them for a long time.

  I’m only saying this ’cause … I know them. And ’cause I don’t want you to always be carrying them round like I do, still, now.

  So you finish your phase. And you finish it soon. ’Kay?

  Beat.

  CONNOR: Well, I’d rather have my phases, Uncle Mal … than the boring fucking life you all do.

  They stare at each other in silence.

  SCENE SEVEN

  CONNOR and TIMO are in a kitchen. CONNOR inspects cupboards.

  TIMO: What’d you do?

  CONNOR: Piss him off.

  TIMO: Hey, everyone at school says you chucked a desk.

  CONNOR: That’s ’cause I did.

  TIMO: And that you called Seannah Pavlich a skank.

  CONNOR: Also true.

  TIMO: And that she called you a no-friends joke. And said she’d never get with you. And said you’re a psycho.

  CONNOR: Yeah, well—she’s a liar.

  TIMO: But the other bits were true.

  CONNOR: Well, that bit’s not. Just … shut up.

  TIMO: …

  CONNOR: Aaah! Don’t your parents buy any food or what?! You’ve seriously got like … six Ryvitas and … tahini—whatever that is.

  TIMO: It’s good. It’s made from sesame see/

  CONNOR: /I don’t care what it’s made from! I care about wanting to eat something, Timo. I care about the fact my best friend has a kitchen with, like, twenty-eight cupboards, but only two things in them.

  TIMO: There’s way more than two. And it’s shopping day. Dad’ll bring back a bunch of stuff soon.

  CONNOR: But I’m hungry now!

  TIMO: … Dude. Calm down.

  CONNOR: Why is everyone saying that to me?

  TIMO: Er, ’cause you’re not calm. Like, if you were calm, no-one would have to/

  CONNOR: /Can you believe Seannah Pavlich said that?

  TIMO: It’s bad, yeah. Dane reckons he’s gonna bash you when you’re back at school.

  CONNOR: Shit, really? He’s massive.

  TIMO: I know. Maybe just … Maybe lay low for a bit.

  CONNOR: What?

  TIMO: I don’t know, but/

  CONNOR: /Lay low? I always lay low. I never do anything. I spend my life trying not to get into stuff. But everyone keeps starting stuff with me.

  Pause.

  TIMO: Not sure it’s completely like that, man …

  CONNOR: The fuck are you saying? You’re my best friend.

  TIMO: Yeah, I am. But maybe sometimes friends … tell other friends when those second friends should … lay low. Your life—it’s pretty good, man.

  CONNOR: Why’s everyone doing that?!

  He pushes TIMO.

  Why’s everyone allowed to explain my life to me?!

  TIMO: What the hell?

  He pushes back.

  You’re in my kitchen, man!

  CONNOR: Yeah—your fucking foodless kitchen!

  He takes a coin from his pocket and tosses it at TIMO.

  Buy yourself a sandwich, you fucking pov.

  He is punched. The punch is returned. Both wrestle furiously. Finally TIMO throws him away and halts proceedings, raising his hands in placation.

  TIMO: Leave it there, man. Let’s just take a breath and/

  CONNOR throws a sneaky punch. TIMO is knocked unconscious. Silence. CONNOR stands, looking at TIMO.

  CONNOR: Timo … Timo, mate. You okay, yeah?

  Timo …

  SCENE EIGHT

  MUM and DAD sit in a car, with CONNOR in the back. They drive.

  CONNOR: I still don’t know where we’re going.

  You’re still not talking to me.

  You both still suck.

  MUM: [both ignoring and baiting CONNOR] Oh! Look what I bought, love.

  DAD: A spoken word album … by Stephen Fry! Reading his own book … about himself—Stephen Fry! Called … The Stephen Fry Chronicles—of course it is! You like him, don’t you, Jude?

  MUM: I love him. And you too, yeah?

  DAD: Absolutely! He’s very clever. And so we all love him! Everyone in this car loves Stephen Fry!

  MUM: … Oh. Except Connor.

  CONNOR: Kill me now.

  MUM: Yes. I just remembered that Connor doesn’t like Stephen Fry, because he thinks he’s ‘outdated and boring’ …

  CONNOR: I know you’re mocking me/

  DAD: /And how’s this for outdated and boring? We’re going to listen to his album … on a cassette tape!/

  MUM: /Four cassette tapes!/

  DAD: /On four cassette tapes! While sitting in a Volvo! And sharing thermos coffee! How outdated and boring can we get?!

  CONNOR: Have you got some hose you can feed in my window from the exhaust? Any hose is fine.

  The tape begins.

  MUM: His voice is so soothing.

  DAD: It really is, love.

  CONNOR: Fuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyou …

  The tape plays on, with a sense of time passing. CONNOR enacts protests, then falls asleep.

  END OF PART ONE

  PART TWO: INTO THE WOODS

  * * *

  SCENE NINE

  MUM: Love … Love. Wake up—we’re here.

  CONNOR: Wha/ Oh. Where’s here?

  MUM: Here is/

  CONNOR: /A forest …

  DAD: Yeah—a beautiful, quiet forest. It’s not on any maps.

  CONNOR: Well … neither’s Hell, Dad.

  DAD: That’s true.

  CONNOR: But … we’re not going camping.

  DAD: No.

  CONNOR: ’Cause we didn’t pack any tents.

  DAD: That’s right.

  CONNOR: So … what are we doing?

  MUM: We’re not doing anything, Connor. You are.

  CONNOR: What?

  All climb from the car as DAD removes Conn
or’s bag and provisions. A weathered shack is seen, sitting in the middle of a forest.

  You packed my clothes!

  MUM: We packed everything—clothes, food, matches, sleeping bag.

  CONNOR: Why’d I need a … ? Oh, no way!

  DAD: You keep saying you want time alone.

  CONNOR: Yeah, not in the middle of a forest!

  DAD: Well, your favourite movie’s about that—Into the Wild, with the young guy who goes out to Alaska and lives in/

  CONNOR: /He died, Dad! Do you want me to die? To starve to death like him?!

  MUM: It was actually poisoning, that’s what did it.

  DAD: That’s right—with the berries. He thought he could/

  CONNOR: /And what? Is that it?! Is that the ‘shack’? That’s the death trap you plan to/

  DAD: /I came up last weekend, and checked it all out. You don’t even need/

  CONNOR: /You planned this! This definitely goes against the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child! You two are looking at breaking both federal and international child protection laws—do you realise the repercus/?

  MUM: /Connor!

  Silence.

  Listen—everyone you are coming into contact with, you are fighting against. Things are going from bad to worse with you and us. Mal and Lorraine say they’re worried about you. The school’s about to expel you. You punched your best friend!/

  CONNOR: /Well, maybe it’s ’cause … he’s dumb—’cause you’re all dumb! Maybe that’s the problem.

  DAD: You argue with everyone. You are angry … with everyone. So we’re giving you time away—from everyone.

  CONNOR: I am not angry! You are!

  An awkward silence.

  Look, don’t do this. It’s—This is not safe, Dad. Mum. You … Maybe you think what you’re doing is right. But it’s not.

  This is not right. Do you see?

  Pause.

  DAD: You’ve got a week/

  CONNOR: /Ughhh!/

  DAD: /One week to clear your head, go walking, fish, do whatever you need. And then we pick you up. Then we can talk about getting to a good place again.

  CONNOR: I am telling you that if you do this, I will never/

  MUM: /If we don’t do this, Connor …

  Right now I’m more worried about what happens if we don’t do this.

  Beat. DAD steps towards CONNOR to hug him. He lurches back.

  CONNOR: Don’t you dare …

  Both accept this and get back in the car.

  MUM: We love you.