Sherlock moment, my foot.
It was more like Granger danger, only I didn't know who was in trouble yet. Then again, if it was trouble involving Granger, maybe I wouldn't mind being in it. It might be nice to think about someone other than Keller since Keller obviously didn't want to think about me. Granger Panera visiting today was exactly what my bruised ego needed.
"Would you like to have a seat?" I asked, starting to feel more relaxed.
Granger shook his head. He didn't seem in a hurry to explain why he was here and since I'd decided I wasn't in a huge hurry for him to go, I was fine with that. But I wasn't sure how much more polite conversation I was supposed to make before he explained why he'd shown up at Fairvue.
"I can't stay long," he began, and I wondered if he were reading my mind or using his skills of deduction again. "I've got to get back to work," he offered up as explanation.
I'd never heard Granger mention where he worked, and I said as much out loud.
His eyes grew wide in surprise. "Oh. I thought you knew. I'm working here now. I help Keller. Ms. Ellie and Mr. Mac hired me a few weeks ago."
I wasn't sure why I was so surprised by the news, but I was. Gran hadn't mentioned to me she'd hired anyone else, and she'd certainly not mentioned that Granger would be working with Keller all summer. I wondered why she hadn't asked me for help. Then a picture of me working side by side with Keller popped into my head. Maybe I should be glad she'd hired Granger and never mentioned it to me.
Trying to cover my confusion, I answered, "Uh, no, I didn't know, but that's great. I'm sure you and Keller will enjoy working with each other." It felt awkward talking about Keller in front of Granger, and I wondered again if Keller ever mentioned to him what had happened between us.
Not wanting to rush Granger, but anxious for anything to talk about that didn't involve Keller, I questioned him again. "So, not that I'm not glad you stopped by, but why are you here? Did you need to talk to Gran about work or something? Because you're right. She's not here, and I'm not expecting her back anytime soon."
Granger took a step toward me and then froze. I'd never seen him look unsure before. He obviously wanted to say something. The fact that he seemed uncertain was enough to make me nervous again. I was sure that was the only reason my heart was racing. It had nothing to do with my being all alone with Granger. I licked my lips, and I watched his eyes follow the motion. My mouth went dry, and the room was suddenly much too hot.
Granger's hands reached out for me, his strong fingers circled my arms underneath my elbows as he pulled me closer.
"You want to know why I stopped by?" The rich timber of his voice filled the silence of the room, and I was suddenly unsure if I wanted to find out the answer.
"Well," he drawled out, "it definitely wasn't to see your Gran." He smiled a little, and then his voice became serious. "Pagan, I stopped by because I needed to find out something. Something I should have found out weeks ago."
His eyes roamed my face, searching for answers. His smile disappeared, and he pulled me even closer.
“What?” I whispered. "What is it you need to know?"
"This." he said. "I really need to find out this."
Leaving no more room for words, his mouth captured mine. My knees buckled. His arm moved along the small of my back, supporting me, holding me tight against him. Too stunned by what was happening, all I could do was hold tightly to him as the first sensations of his kiss penetrated my senses.
Granger's lips moved against mine, seeking to take away my resistance. He quickly took advantage of my surprise. His arms gathered me close, and my body seemed to have a will of its own as it moved closer to his.
Hadn't I imagined this since the day he almost kissed me? Hadn't I wondered what it would be like to be in Granger's arms, to feel his lips against mine, to have his body so close I could barely breathe?
The reality was so much better than my imagination.
Granger pulled away from me and looked into my eyes, searching. Pleased with what he saw, his beautiful mouth turned up at the corners. He ran one finger down the side of my face, and then under my chin, bringing my mouth back to his.
Without warning, his arm swept under my legs and I was off the ground, cradled against his chest. The closeness only lasted for a moment before he eased me down onto the leather couch, covering my body with the lean, muscled warmth of his own.
Part of my brain tried to warn me this wasn't what I really wanted, that this wasn't who I really wanted, but the bruised and battered part begged me to stop thinking until I couldn't think, until I could only feel.
My senses were deliciously overwhelmed, but there was still a part of me...a part of me that was separate from what was happening to me physically, reminding me this shouldn't be happening. Granger wasn't supposed to be here, and we definitely shouldn't be doing this when we'd barely even spoken in days.
There were things I didn't know about him, things I should ask, but I was so tired of being hurt, living a lifetime where no one ever really wanted me. And everything he was doing felt so nice, so wickedly wonderful. It felt so good to have someone pulling me closer instead of pushing me away.
Sensations overwhelmed me.
I didn't want to think anymore.
My shirt rose up in the back, and Granger's steady hands slipped underneath and found the warmth of my skin. My own hands felt the strength of his muscles even with the material of his shirt in the way. His kisses moved from my lips and trailed down my neck and then dared to go lower. He raised up from me slightly, and he swiftly pulled his shirt up and over his head. I watched as the silver chain he always wore slipped off as he purposely dropped both to the floor before lowering his body once again over mine.
The heat, the warmth of him, covered me. His lips teased everywhere. His hands went everywhere - stroking my face, my arms, and lower, until finally moving to the hem of my shirt, lifting the material even further up the small of my back.
At the intimate invasion, panic finally overwhelmed my befuddled senses, and the fog that had surrounded me before began to lift away. I moved my head to the side, but his lips followed and moved to my ear as he murmured my name.
My hands that had pulled him closer only moments before, were pushing against him frantically now.
This was wrong, this was wrong, this was wrong.
I needed to make him stop.
This was crazy and insane, but for everything I had felt only moments earlier, the feelings were...gone. This wasn’t what I wanted. He wasn’t who I wanted.
How much easier things would be if only he were.
The reality of what I'd been doing hit me hard. I felt like someone had thrown a bucket of ice water on me as I realized the truth.
I pushed harder with my arms, finally getting his attention. It took a moment for him to understand, but when he did, he stopped kissing me and sat up slowly.
I was mortified.
I couldn't look at him. I was confused, my emotions were in turmoil, and he was sitting there half dressed and so incredibly good looking that a part of me, a treacherous part of me, still wanted to melt into him, to feel his warmth and his strength and to forget - even if it were only for a minute - everything that was wrong with that idea. A part of me longed to be that someone Granger wanted, to stop the hurt of my bruised ego, to believe I was worthy of being wanted and maybe even loved.
But as good as it felt to be held in his arms, it wasn't his arms I wanted, no matter how much I wished it could be him.
Granger reached out and pulled me to a sitting position beside him. We were close, our arms the only part of us touching now. The silence between us was heavy.
I worked up the nerve to finally look at him. I could see a bit of me reflected in his beautiful, green eyes. My hair was loose, and my lips felt swollen. I looked a mess, but Granger gazed at me in a way that I knew meant he liked what he saw. Looking at him, still sitting there with his shirt off, I knew what I saw was gorgeous.
/> I moaned silently.
I had to be crazy. No girl in her right mind would push him away.
But you did, my inner voice taunted me.
I sighed out loud. I'd always thought my father was insane. I was certain now he'd passed his insanity gene on to me. It was the only thing I could think of to explain my behavior. I had to be certifiably nuts.
I pushed my hair back with both hands and then hid my face in my palms. "I am so embarrassed," I groaned. "I don't know what's wrong with me, and I'm so sorry."
Granger reached down and grabbed his shirt from where it had fallen onto the floor, and slipped the soft material over his head along with the silver chain he always wore. His tanned fingers reached out and gently pulled my own hands away from my face, forcing me to really look at him.
"Don't be embarrassed, Pagan." His half grin was my undoing, and I leaned in and kissed him gently. He kissed me back, but the passion from earlier was gone. His voice was smooth and calm when he spoke again.
"I told you I needed to find something out, and I did. Really, I think we both needed to know, don't you?"
My eyes were wide in surprise. How could he know, I wondered? Had Keller spoken to him after all, or was I simply that obvious to everyone around me?
He rose to leave, and I stood up quickly, pushing my shirt down and brushing my hair back from my face as I hurried to follow him to the front hallway. It took him only a minute to reach the door, but my voice stopped him from leaving.
“I'm not sure I understand."
Granger had already opened the door, but he turned around and looked at me and then motioned with his head outside. I followed his gaze and saw Keller working in the side yard. He wasn't looking towards the house, but I could feel his presence just the same.
"Keller's my best friend."
My head nodded slowly, not sure I wanted to know where he was going with this. "He's my friend, too, I think."
Granger looked at Keller and then back at me. "Don't you think there's a real possibility that he's more than that?"
His question caught me off guard, and then the truth hit me hard.
I looked out to where Keller was working, and at that moment he turned. As far away as he was, he couldn't possibly know I was looking at him, but I felt such a pull towards him, that I doubted everything I thought was true after the way he’d treated me again and again.
My own eyes began to fill with tears. I was so confused, and when I looked at Granger again I knew everything I was thinking showed clearly on my face.
"Will you tell him? Will you tell him that we, uh, that you and I, were, uhm," my voice trailed off, not sure what I wanted to say. Not sure I wanted to know.
"Probably."
He grinned at me and then added quickly, "I'll probably do it when I want to make him really mad, and you should know, it will make him really mad. At first anyway. Then when I tell him how you pushed me away, he'll probably look at things a little differently." He laughed then, and I wondered how he could think this situation was funny.
"Pagan, maybe it was selfish, but I had to know if there was anything between us, because honestly, I'm half crazy about you and with just a small push, I could be head-over-heels. But it's not the same for you, and I respect that. Maybe I could have pushed it. Things might have gone further. If they had, it would have been amazing, but then we'd have both regretted it. Well, you might have. Me? Not so much." The smile on his face pulled at me, and crazily, I smiled back.
I wasn't sure what else I needed to say to him, but I thought Granger should know I thought he had it all about right, even if I didn't really think there was a chance for anything to happen between Keller and me. After all, he'd already pushed me away twice. I had some pride left, and I wasn't ready to dive in for a third try.
"You know, Granger, you confuse me, and you frustrate me quite a bit with that thing you do where I can't think quite straight, but I think you're right about us. We're friends. Good friends, but maybe I needed to know, too."
Granger leaned over and his lips brushed against my cheek as he whispered near my ear, "I'll be close by this summer if you change your mind." He winked at me and then pulled the door shut behind him.
Feeling like I might collapse, I leaned against it trying to catch my breath. Then I eased away from the support of the door and went back into the other room.
My eyes moved to the couch, and I felt my cheeks going red.
What was wrong with me? I wasn't the type of girl who fell all over guys or the type who guys fell all over.
My appetite for chicken and reality shows was gone. I couldn't have eaten anything else even if I'd wanted to, and my own life had more than enough insanity and excitement without having to watch anything on television. It was too early to go to bed, but that was all I wanted to do. I wanted to hide in my room and not talk to anyone else for the rest of the evening. Maybe after some sleep everything would make more sense.
It was times like these that I wished for my mother. I didn't remember her, of course, but I felt like I knew her from the stories my grandmother had told me about her. She had been beautiful inside and out according to Gran. She would have been the kind of mother I could have gone to and told everything I was feeling. I imagined us curled up on my bed, me telling her all my feelings about two boys who were driving me crazy. Two boys I'd kissed but never even dated. It was crazy, but she would have been the type of mother who would have listened. Really listened.
The tears that had been building in my eyes finally escaped and spilled over onto my cheeks. I wiped them away with the back of my hands. When I was younger, holidays like Mother's Day and Christmas had always made me sad, but I'd learned not to show my emotions because my father would use them against me, but this time I couldn’t control them, and the tears flowed freely.
I slowly climbed the stairs up to my room. My bed beckoned me, and I fell onto it, fully clothed, and pulled the covers over my head.
The darkness of my room didn't chase away all the ghosts, but it helped. And right now, that was the best I could hope for.
Chapter Ten
The sound of a phone ringing was what finally woke me up. At first I couldn't figure out where I was or what was going on. The dimming light outside my bedroom window told me it was early evening. I glanced at the clock and saw it was just after seven. I couldn't believe I'd slept away what had been left of the afternoon.
Praying the phone wouldn't stop ringing before I could reach it, I rushed down the stairs and turned the corner as the noise continued to echo down the hall. My hand grabbed the receiver on what I guessed was at least the tenth ring, and my hurried hello sounded out of breath even to my own ears.
"Pagan? Is that you, honey?" Gran's worry carried across the line.
I assured her it was and was quick to explain I'd been upstairs. I didn't tell her I'd been taking a nap because she would only worry that she'd woken me, and I would never have been able to convince her I was glad she hadn't left me sleeping.
Our conversation was short with most of the talking on my side. I had to spend a good amount of time convincing her that it was fine if she and Mr. Mac were going to stay over and visit his sister in Kentucky, and that I was perfectly okay being without her for a few nights and that yes, I knew how to call them if I needed anything.
It was her last words that brought me fully awake.
"You know Keller is right down the road if you need him. His number is on the list by the refrigerator. He could be there in a few minutes."
My silence greeted her suggestion.
"Pagan? Did you hear me? Call Keller if you need anything."
I swallowed over the lump in my throat.
"Of course, Gran. I will." I refused to say his name, but she knew what I meant.
After I hung up the phone, I stood there, not sure what to do. The confusing events of the afternoon rushed up to greet me, and I leaned my head against the wall beside the phone trying to gather my thoughts.
> Gran didn't mention Granger even though he was helping now at the farm, too, which must mean only Keller was living out at Mr. Mac's farm. So then where did Granger live? Then another thought ran through my mind.
Did it matter that Keller was close by? Close enough to come if I needed him?
Oh, it mattered.
Granger's words about my feelings for Keller echoed through my mind. "Don't you think there's a real possibility that he's more than that?"
As much as I wanted to deny I had any real feelings for Keller other than finding him irritating and frustrating and so attractively annoying, Granger's visit had left me clear about one thing.
I needed to see Keller.
I needed to find out if what I felt when he kissed me was real. Or was the last time we were together simply a reaction to what I'd imagined had happened in the woods? When I thought about Granger kissing me this afternoon, I couldn't deny having his attention even for a little while was nice. Any girl would be flattered by having someone like Granger Panera notice her. The boy could definitely kiss; I'd give him that. But it was so different than when Keller kissed me.
My face broke into a grin when I thought about what I was going to do next - even if it was reckless and a little crazy and probably involved getting my own heart crushed.
I glanced at the clock hanging on the kitchen wall. It was only fifteen minutes after seven. I could walk over to his house before it was dark, and if I took a flashlight with me, the walk back wouldn't be too bad.
I needed to see him.
I needed to do more than see him, my mind argued back. I needed to have him talk to me and say something aggravating so I could feel again what I always felt when I was around him and know now what those feelings really were.
I needed to find him. Now.
Granger was probably only joking earlier about talking to Keller himself, but I wanted to be the one to tell Keller about what had happened between Granger and me. I had to know if it even mattered to him, if he even cared, and talking to Keller would help me settle things, finally. If it didn't go the way I hoped, well, I might still walk away with some of my pride intact. But if it did matter to him, if it mattered to him what I now knew was true in my own heart, well, hopefully together we would be able to figure out why that was important.
Crossings: A Sovereign Guardians Novel Page 17
