Barf the Barbarian in Red Nail (The Chronicles of Barf the Barbarian Book 2)

by Michael White

  “Damn.” said Barf, “That top step really is a bugger, isn’t it?”

  ***

  “Won't they try to break down the door?” asked Valerie, looking at the wide closed portal with suspicion.

  “I suspect they know it can’t be broken down.” said Barf from the foot of the stairs. As if to confirm this the sounds of running feet from outside stopped and they were left in silence. They looked around the room, which was nothing more than a small entrance that they discovered as they crossed the chamber led into larger eating, cooking and sleeping quarters for a small host.

  “Two hundred, Jeremy said they were.” said Valerie. “Now none.”

  “What was it he said would happen when all of one tribe were vanquished?” asked Barf.

  “Some nonsense or another.” sighed Valerie, “oo-vah somebody or another will return.”

  “Ah.” said Barf, a wide grin splitting across his face, “Thing is it’s only us that know that Jeremy is dead. If we keep that to ourselves than nobody will be any the wiser. It’s only us that saw him fall down the stairs, after all.”

  “They say the Gods know all.” said Valerie, a suspicious look in her eye.

  “Well, where are they?” laughed Barf, extending his arms out on either side of him. “Hellooooo?” He walked around the chamber in a small circle, his arms extended on either side of him, “Where are you, great God Xoom or whatever you are called?”

  Slowly as if from far away the ground began to tremble. Barf stopped in his tracks, Valerie giving him a look that would have stopped a charging lizard at one hundred yards with ease.

  “Now look what you have done!”

  “I haven’t done anything.” said Barf sulkily, “Probably an earth tremor or something.”

  “Or something.” she mimicked, and they both stood still as they tried to figure out the direction from which the sound was coming.

  “South.” said Barf wearily, turning to face in that direction. “Even from here I can tell. I have keen ears.”

  “The palace.” sighed Valerie, “Just a little bit further from where we have just escaped from.”

  “Where all those red suited ginger tops were.”

  “Yes.” The rumbling was constant underfoot now, and although it wasn't growing in intensity very quickly, it was just about possible to determine that it was growing stronger over a long period of time. “We need to go back there.” Barf looked at her defiantly before he spoke.

  “We could just make off to the gate and take our chances with the lizards.” said Barf brightly. “I tend to find where Gods get involved it tends to get a little messy.”

  “No.” said Valerie with determination, “Remember what that thing did to Moonshine?” Barf looked at her blankly. “My horse.” she tutted at him, “Moonshine the wonder horse.”

  “I always struggle trying to get my head around people who name their horses.” he said eventually.

  “You don’t name yours?”

  “No.”

  “Not even once?”

  “No.”

  “You name your sword.”

  “That’s different.” said Barf. “Besides. It already had a name when I acquired it.”

  “Stole it, more like.” said Humdinger brightly, “Still. Could have been worse. Could be hung on a wall somewhere or another.” Valerie looked at Barf and then the sword in his hand. She pursed her lips and decided to change the subject.

  “So how do we get back to the palace quickly?” she said, “Getting away from it was an accomplishment in itself. What do you suggest?”

  Barf smiled and stepping over Jeremy’s corpse walked back up the steep stairs and yanked open the door. Valerie gasped and drew her sword. Barf looked outside. The corridor outside was completely empty. Valerie followed him as they opened another door they had not noticed or passed through on their earlier flight to safety. As they did so the light from the sun shone down onto them. Outside the sun was completely empty.

  “How did you know they had gone?” asked Valerie, resisting the urge to sheathe her sword just in case.

  “Come on, now!” laughed Barf, “Five hundred years they have been at it. The great God Oover whatever returns as the last blue warrior dies, whether it is seen or not. Surely you do not think that they are hardly going to stand outside our door when this last part of their destiny falls into place, do you?”

  “So, they go back to the palace?”

  “Without a doubt.” he said, pointing Humdinger at the sky to the south. Above that part of the city a single large black cloud was gathering. The sky was blue and cloudless apart from this cloud, its grey colour and swirling depths giving it the look of a bruise or wound across the heavens. Bolts of lightning flickered within it and struck the taller buildings below at random intervals. Within the cloud was forming a vast whirlpool of light. As they watched it was slowly increasing in strength and speed, the cloud expanding around it at the same time.

  “Come on!” shouted Barf, and sheathing his sword he began to run south along the wide street, heading for the palace square that sat beneath the tumultuous cloud like a cowering beast that was waiting for the spear to fall.

  “Slow down!” she shouted as she raced after him, “I cannot run as fast as you!”

  “Pretend that you are dancing and not running then, if it helps!” shouted Humdinger and she saw Barf reach down and close the pouch on his belt. They raced through the now empty red stoned buildings, along the avenue and towards the central square, above which the maelstrom of now black cloud and lightning hovered like a doom waiting to fall upon the red shrouded building below it.

  “There!” shouted Barf as he saw two of the red clad warriors cowering on the far side of the square, pointing up at the raging cloud with their long flat swords, their attention fully upon it as Valerie and Barf crossed the square and raced towards them. They were no more than thirty feet away when the two soldiers noticed their approach and spread out, swords raised as they approached.

  “Wait!” said Barf, “We mean no harm!”

  “That may well be the case, laddie.” said the nearest soldier, a look of amusement upon his grisled features, “But you know we’re kind of busy right now, yeh ken?” he nodded his head in the direction of the cloud above.

  “Leave this to me.” said Valerie, pushing Barf out of the way and throwing her sword at the man’s feet. “Take me to your leader.” she said.

  “Oh right.” said the second man, pausing to scratch his ginger beard, “After you then.” he said, waving an arm politely towards a nearby wide door that led inside into darkness. Barf glowered but walked into the darkness, closely followed by Valerie. He had walked no more than three feet into the palace when there was a sudden shuffling sound from the darkness and something struck him across the back of the head. Barf grunted as Valerie fell to the floor behind him as well and then everything turned black.

  ***

  Barf groaned and tried to move, but found that he could not do so. He flexed his arms and tugged hard but he achieved nothing. He tried his legs next but again, there was no movement. He kept his eyes closed, concentrating first on his wrists, trying to turn his hands as far as he could. He could not move them hardly at all he found, but he recognised the feel of rope against his skin. He opened his eyes and looked up. All he could see was a roof of dark black stone, though it was not uniform like that of a ceiling or similar constructed surface, looking more like the roof of a cave or a cavern to him than anything. He saw at the centre of the roof a swirling blue light spinning and racing around and around like a whirlpool. Barf stared at it for a few seconds, determining that it was definitely growing in size as he looked at it. It was.

  The barbarian turned his head as far as he could to the right and his stomach lurched as he did so, his head aching so badly it felt as if his skull had been cracked. Some ten feet or so away stood a great mass of red clad warriors who were all staring off to his left, or at the roof above nervously. At the front of them t
wo huge warriors held Valerie motionless, each holding on to one of her arms. She looked at him and then looked away, looking off to his left. Barf turned his head slowly in the opposite direction. Here a tall, wide dais rose up above him, and he craned his neck to see a man sat on a dark stone throne looking at him intently. He was also tall and well, muscled, his hair ginger and tied into small braids about the side of his head and in his beard. He noticed Barf stare and looked down at him, a concerned smile crossing his face as he did so.

  “Och, man.” he said, addressing Barf directly, “Yeh look like shite, and that’s the truth of it.”

  “What?” said Barf, his voice low and tight, his mouth dry. He saw the man on the throne that seemed to be hewn from the rock of the cave itself and tut loudly. He waved an arm and a few seconds later a hand moved his head sideways and a water skin was placed in his mouth. Barf drank deeply, but he could manage only a little at first, so parched was his throat. He coughed water onto himself and the skin was withdrawn. Barf gulped and the water was replaced and he drank his fill. He lay still for a moment, his stomach churning. Eventually it settled. He felt a lot better.

  “You okay?” he asked Valerie and she nodded once. Barf noticed that her sword was not in her belt.

  “You?”

  “I am fine.” he said, “At least they gave me water.”

  “Well, laddie I wouldn’t hold any great store by that.” said the man up on the dais in an accent that was the same as the rest of the red warriors that they had encountered so far. “They have probably pissed in it, right enough. Took me the first two hundred years for me to stop them putting poison in it. Still. Got us a canny thirty blue nails, did the poison.”

  Barf gagged and tried to put to the back of his mind the man’s comments about the water.

  “So, who are you?” he asked as the blue clouds at the apex of the cave began to crackle and churn, lightning arcing across the roof of the cave.

  “Ah, away wi ye!” he exclaimed. “Here’s me blathering on and on without a word of introduction. Skelp me if you will, I’ll have noo more!”

  “What?” asked Barf, beginning to wonder if the blow to his head had been a little heavier than he had first thought. The man on the dais smiled at him as if he had just realised that he was talking to a child.

  “I am the team leader of this task.” he said slowly and carefully, “We held a vote when the great God Xoovermatic told us what it was that we had to do, and I had a background in murder and slaughter so I put myself forward.”

  “Och aye, Bruce!” Barf heard someone call from the crowd, “Though dinnae tell this clarity chancer oot the needs dae noo.”

  “Bruce is your name, then?” asked Barf and the man nodded. “So what exactly is going on?”

  “Going on?” said the man with a grin, laughing at Barf’s words. The crowd of warriors roared with laughter and began to stamp spears and shields in rhythm, performing a strange circular dance.

  “Booncy! Booncy! Let’s ael Do tha Booncy!” They all chanted, wiggling their collective hips in unison.

  Bruce smiled, walking down the dais to where Barf lay. “You’ll have to cast them no mind.” he said. “It’s been a long task. Five hundred years.”

  “I’ll bear it in mind.” said Barf darkly, raising his head as much as he could. He realised he was bound to a long, low stone altar that stood between the dais and the gathered warriors who were now chanting loudly, their cries and shouts filling the cavern with noise. He saw several small channels cut into the surface of the altar, each converging to a small gutter that would, he knew, allow blood to drain away from the top of the perfectly carved stone slab and drip onto the floor below. He turned back to Valerie and coughed. A man carrying a water skin stepped forward and filled it from a small bucket at his feet and made to step forward to the altar again. Barf shook his head and the man dropped the water skin into the bucket with a grin.

  Bruce stamped his spear on the floor and instantly the chanting ceased and the cavern fell into silence once more. “So, who are you?” he asked from where he stood at the foot of the dais.

  “I am Barf, A Crimerian.” said Barf briefly, “And this is Valerie, ex of Bungo-Hop’s circus. We were trying to find a way out of the forest and came upon this city. We were heading towards the coast eventually.”

  “Och, you’ll never reach the coast!” said Bruce with a chuckle, “Nobody leaves here.”

  “What do you man?” growled Barf, “Do you mean to tell us that we are prisoners?”

  “Och, no.” laughed Bruce, “Though I think Xoovermatic may have something to dae with ye, ye ken?” Barf followed where he was looking to the blue cloud that was without doubt swelling in size overhead. “Still, you’ve travelled the length o’ Hyperbolea to reach our gates I jalouse.”

  “Do you think you could talk just a little bit slower?” asked Valerie from she stood, still held by the two warriors.

  “And clearer.” said Barf, “But you are correct. We have a roving foot, you could say.” Bruce seemed to consider his words carefully before he spoke.

  “I am goon an’ gob-smacked yeh made it through the forest.” he said, “In days o’ auld yeh would need a thousand men to carve a way through those woods.”

  “Then there’s the lizards.” said Barf, “Big though they are, we found that when you killed one of them then they are no further trouble.”

  The cavern fell into silence as Bruce’s mouth fell open slowly. Barf thought that even the cloud overhead seemed to have stopped swirling.

  “Yeh dae and goon dun away with one of the beasties, laddie?” He said, and noticing that Barf’s eyes appeared to have just crossed, he started again. “You killed one of the dragons that surround the city?” Barf snorted.

  “They are not dragons.” said Barf with conviction.

  “Barf.” said Valerie, chiding him before he had even begun, “Not now. Please.” She thought to herself that she sounded like a school teacher brought to anger and was scolding one of her errant pupils.

  “It’s not a dragon.” said Barf simply, ignoring Valerie completely. “I don't know why I have to keep repeating myself.”

  “Not a dragon?” said Bruce with a look of disbelief. “What are you talking aboot, man? De ye nae noo a dragon when yeh ken one?”

  “No fire.” said Barf. “Flight? No. A lizard, I will grant you, but not a dragon. It’s got as much in common with a dragon as I have with a goat.” There was a sudden silence as the entire captive audience seemed to consider an answer. “And that’s not much.” finished Barf, helpfully.

  “It’s a dragon.” said Bruce, “Plain as the neb on yeh gizz.”

  “No it’s not.”

  “Yes it is.”

  “Look. I have a sword with carvings on the blade that shows a real dragon. Take a look at that if you have to see what a real dragon is like.”

  “Yeh telling me yeh kilt one of them?” said Bruce warily.

  “Stone dead.” said Barf. “The poisonous juice of the Temazepam tree helped, of course. So. In short, not a dragon at all. Just a big angry old lizard.”

  “‘Is not.” said Bruce.

  “Is.”

  “Isn’t.”

  “Is.”

  “Oh, for patience’s sake.” spat Valerie, tapping a sandaled foot on the cavern floor, “Fetch the bloody sword, will you?” Barf nodded and looked away from Bruce, his lips puckered in a major sulk.

  “Fetch the sword.” said Bruce, and one of the warriors came forwards with Humdinger in his hand. Valerie had never seen a sword wink before as it was carried past her to where Bruce stood, but she saw it now.

  “There.” said Barf as Bruce took the sword and the warrior returned to the ranks of his comrades. “Look on the crosspiece.”

  “Where?” said Bruce and Barf turned his head in the direction of the sword.

  “Sort these ropes out will you Humdinger, please.” said Barf and the sword bucked in the air and flew from Bruce’s hands, slicing through t
he ropes at Barf’s feet and then spinning in the air and cutting those at his wrist too. Barf stood and held his sword hand out and Humdinger flew into it as Barf rose, Bruce standing before him.

  “Happy to help.” said Humdinger. Behind her Valerie heard the crowd of warriors begin to move forward slowly.

  “Wow.” said Valerie, “I didn’t know it could do that.”

  “Me neither.” said Barf, “Just a hunch, really.” He looked at Bruce who seemed to be having trouble with his jerkin.

  “Dragon?” asked Barf, one eyebrow cocked.

  “Of course it’s a dragon, yeh great bawheid!” He said. Barf smiled and stabbed the him through the heart. Bruce gave a brief look of shock and fell back onto the stone throne dead.

  “Not a dragon.” snarled Barf, leaning in close over the dead leader of the red team, teeth bared. “lizard.”

  “Barf!” shouted Valerie, head in hands, “Hostages? Hello?”

  “Ah.” said Barf as the crowd of warriors screamed as one and began to race across the short space towards him, weapons raised. Valerie pulled on the arms of the two men who were holding her and performing a perfect back flip, managed to escape from both of them. She reached down and pulled a short sword from one of the men’s belts and with a nimble leap she somersaulted over the completely confused men by using their shoulders as a springboard and landed nimbly alongside Barf. The two of them raised their swords and assumed a fighting stance as the mass of warriors in red approached, screaming obscenities and waving their weapons.

  “Anyone got a plan B?” asked Humdinger and was met with silence as the soldiers charged all at once. Their assault however, was short lived, for from the swirling blue and grey lightning flecked maelstrom that now dominated the ceiling of the cavern shot a bright pillar of blue light that thudded into the throne in which was sat the corpse of Bruce. Valerie looked at the warriors who as one fell to their knees in supplication. She saw Barf raise an eyebrow as he stared at her, and she knew that she was doing the same too.

  “Shall I look first, or shall you?” asked Barf. She never got a chance to reply.