The Pirate Who's Afraid of Everything

by Annabeth Bondor-Stone

  Aubrey sent a plump, fluffy pigeon over to the Land Lady to retrieve the letter from Shivers’s parents. The pigeon fluttered back to the iPoke with the letter, then settled in on Aubrey’s head for a nap.

  “‘A Pirate Mission on the Eastern Seas,’” Aubrey read aloud, drooling a little on the paper. “The only mission worth a seal’s song on the Eastern Seas is the quest for the Treasure Torch.”

  “The Treasure Torch!” Shivers said breathlessly. “The one treasure that every pirate wants and no pirate can seem to find.”

  “Indeed,” said the captain.

  “Only the bravest pirates even try to go after it,” said Shivers.

  “Excuse me?” Margo asked. “What is the Treasure Torch?”

  “More like Treasure Torture!” Aubrey cackled. “The Treasure Torch is the most famed booty this side of Neptune’s nostrils. Many brave pirates have gone looking for it . . . and nary a one of them was ever seen again.”

  “I’m sorry. But what does ‘nary’ mean?” asked Shivers.

  “Quiet!” whispered Margo. “Do you know where they would have gone to look for it?”

  “Alas, I don’t,” sighed Aubrey. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a rotten chicken bone wrapped in a napkin. “How do you think I got to be the oldest pirate on the Seven Seas? I never went looking for the Treasure Torch,” he said, chewing on the chicken bone.

  “Can we have our letter back?” Margo asked. She wasn’t going to give up just yet.

  Aubrey scowled. “I don’t like to wake up Bertha.” Nonetheless, he roused the pigeon from her nap so she could fly the letter over.

  Margo read the letter from Shivers’s parents again and again, her eyeballs moving back and forth like sideways yo-yos. Finally, she pointed to the bottom corner right above the pigeon poop and said, “They wrote down here that we should find the carnival. Is there a carnival anywhere around here?”

  “They must have gone mad,” said the captain. “The sea’s no place for a carnival.”

  “Captain,” said Aubrey. “I might know something about a carnival.” He handed the captain his rotten chicken bone.

  “Aubrey, how many times do I have to tell you, a chicken bone is not a present! Wait a minute. . . .” The captain looked at the napkin wrapped around the bone. Printed in big, blue letters was one word: CARNIVAL.

  Margo asked Aubrey, “Where did you get that chicken bone?”

  “Two leagues back that way. Make a right at the giant squid,” Aubrey replied.

  Margo and Shivers thanked the two men. Albee waved his fins appreciatively. Then they sailed off toward their next hope . . . or toward their doom, depending on how you feel about giant squids.

  The captain looked at Aubrey with a glimmer in his eyes . . . well, in his one eye. “Aubrey, never has there been a destiny so clear as ours. We will follow them from a distance. When they find the Treasure Torch, we will snatch it from their unsuspecting hands! Or fins, if the fish gets it first.”

  Aubrey nodded in agreement, his neck bones creaking. He lifted the anchor out of the water. The iPoke lurched forward. And the two pirates began their quest, sharing a piece of Eye Pie as they followed the distant sounds of Margo sharpening a sword and Shivers puking off the side of the boat.

  MARGO HELD UP THE sword to the sun. The light sparkled brightly on its sharp edge. “I think this one is done!” she called. “When you’re done puking, can you get me another sword from the bathtub?”

  Shivers turned to Margo, his face pale and a little green. “Something’s wrong,” he said. “The ship doesn’t usually rock this much.”

  “The ship doesn’t usually rock at all, Shivers. It’s usually on the beach,” Margo reminded him. “Can you please get me another sword? I want to make sure they’re all sharp enough.”

  “How do you know when they’re sharp enough?” Shivers asked.

  “The ancient pirates always said, ‘A sword is never sharp enough until you can hear it cut the air.’”

  “How could you hear that? Does the air scream?” Shivers started poking the air around him.

  “Let’s find out!” Margo sliced the sword through the air and it made a WHOOSH sound. “Good enough for me!” She jabbed the sword in front of her, then spun around and swung it through the air again. She leaped across the deck so fast that Shivers could barely see her.

  “How did you learn to do that?” he said, marveling.

  “I watch a lot of samurai movies. And my dad makes me take ballet lessons.”

  “Can you teach me some moves?”

  “Sure!” said Margo. “But you should probably start with a practice sword.” She picked up a mop and threw it to him.

  Shivers caught it in his hand. “But this is what I use to swab the poop deck!”

  “Well, now you can use it to conquer your enemies.”

  She began the lesson with a move called Butter on Toast, where she sliced her sword back and forth like she was spreading butter on a giant piece of toast.

  Then she taught Shivers the Party Pooper, where she jabbed her sword in front of her like she was in a room full of balloons that needed to be popped.

  “This one is called the Toe Tickler!” Margo announced. She lunged forward, and just as she was about to sweep her sword across the ground, her feet flew out from under her, launching her into a sloppy somersault. She landed flat on her back, her sword sticking straight up toward the sky.

  “Wow, that was crazy!” Shivers gave Margo a round of applause. “But it didn’t have anything to do with toes.”

  “That wasn’t supposed to happen.” Margo got back on her feet and brushed herself off. “Something rocked the ship!”

  “I told you it was rocking more than usual!”

  Just then, the ship tilted underneath them, and they both tumbled across the deck. Margo jumped to her feet. “I think we hit something!”

  “Or something hit us,” said Shivers.

  “What is it?” Margo called out.

  Shivers tiptoed to the front of the boat. He peered down into the water below and gasped.

  “I think it’s a humongous bowling ball swimming through spaghetti!”

  Margo thought for a moment. “The giant squid! We found it!” she said, giving Shivers a high five.

  “We need to make a right!” Shivers cried. “That’s what Captain Pokes-You-in-the-Eye and Aubrey told us to do!”

  He looked up toward Albee, who was sitting next to the steering wheel in his bag. “Albee, turn the ship!”

  “Maybe you’d better help him, Shivers,” Margo suggested.

  “Good idea.” Shivers ran up to the captain’s deck, grabbed the wheel with both hands, and pulled it all the way to the right. Albee supervised.

  The Land Lady creaked as it turned in the water. “Carnival, here we come!” shouted Margo. “Here we—oof!” The deck lurched again and she suddenly found herself lying on her back.

  “Was that a speed bump?” Shivers called down from the captain’s deck.

  “I don’t think so,” said Margo. She looked down over the side of the ship and saw two enormous eyeballs the size of watermelons peering up at her from the water. “It’s the giant squid again!”

  “Oh! Well, I guess we’d better take another right.” Shivers grabbed the steering wheel and spun it to the right. “Good supervising, Albee!”

  Before the ship could go any farther, a slimy, brick-red tentacle flopped over the railing next to Margo. She backed away as it coiled around the side of the ship. “Shivers! I think the squid is trying to eat the ship!”

  “No! Not my Land Lady!” Shivers cried.

  “Don’t worry. The ship is ready for an attack like this!” Margo assured him.

  “You’re right! There’s that coat closet in my sleeping quarters that locks from the inside. We can hide there until the squid is finished eating!”

  “No!” Margo shouted. “Remember what I did with your pillowcases?”

  “Oh, right! You turned them into a giant
sack!” Shivers was still a little miffed about the satin ones.

  “Go get it!” Margo shouted.

  Shivers bolted down the captain’s deck ladder and into his sleeping quarters, leaving Albee to steer.

  Shivers grabbed the pillowcase sack off his bed and started toward the door. But then he noticed how inviting his mattress looked, and how fluffy his blanket looked, and how cozy his Coziest Pillows of the World poster looked. He crawled into bed and tucked himself in.

  “Shivers, what are you doing down there?!” Margo cried.

  “Just snoozing!” he replied. “I mean . . . uh, using! The bed! To . . .” Shivers was panicking. “. . . nap!”

  “Nap?!” Margo shouted. The squid whipped its tentacle across the deck, and Margo leaped over it like a jump rope. She stormed into Shivers’s sleeping quarters. “There’s a squid the size of a school bus out there trying to eat our ship and you’re in here snoozing?!”

  She yanked the pillowcase sack away from him and ran out the door.

  Shivers looked through the porthole and saw Margo dragging the pillowcase sack onto the deck. He knew he’d never be able to get to sleep without any pillowcases. He took a deep breath and timidly followed Margo onto the deck.

  By now, the squid had wrapped all ten of its tentacles around the ship’s railing. Its slimy body hung off the side like a meatball covered in jelly.

  Margo was trying to open the sack wide enough to trap the squid but she couldn’t do it by herself. She noticed Shivers nearby, hopping nervously from one foot to the other. “Shivers, I need your help!”

  “No problem!” he replied. “I’ve got a great idea. We give the ship to the squid and then we all go home and pretend this never happened!”

  “Hold this.” Margo handed one side of the sack to Shivers.

  “Then what?!” Shivers asked.

  “Just stand perfectly still and hold on for dear life.”

  “Oh, okay!” Shivers said. “That’s the same thing I do every time my night-light breaks.”

  Shivers held on to his side of the pillowcase sack, and Margo tightened her grip on the other side. She whipped it up into the air, and it opened like a parachute. She scooped her side down into the water, trapping the squid inside.

  “Now, pull!” Margo shouted.

  “You didn’t say anything about pulling!” Shivers protested. “I’m terrible at pulling!”

  Margo had to think quickly. “Just . . . back away quietly!”

  “Now that I can do!” Shivers agreed.

  Shivers and Margo backed away, hoisting up the squid onto the deck with all their strength. The squid held on tight to the railing until Margo reached over and tickled one tentacle, and the squid coiled up inside the sack. Squids are very ticklish.

  For a moment, everything was calm. “It must be asleep,” Shivers said. “If it’s anything like me, those satin pillowcases took it straight to dreamland.” Shivers patted the sack. “So soft,” he sighed, yawning. “In fact, I could use a snooze right now.” He rested his head on the cool blue satin.

  “Be careful!” Margo said, cautiously tying the sack closed. “The squid might shoot out a big cloud of ink!”

  “Why?” asked Shivers. “Is he writing a book?”

  “No,” Margo explained. “Squids shoot out ink to protect themselves when they’re angry.”

  “Angry? Look at this little guy!” Shivers cooed. “He’s just like Albee in his bag! And Albee couldn’t be a happier fish! Right?”

  Shivers leaned onto the softest part of the sack, which happened to be the squid’s giant eyeball. Shivers and Margo heard a low gurgling sound like there was a lawn mower inside the squid’s belly. Then a cloud shot out of the squid’s body like a firework, raining down ink all over them.

  Shivers started spitting all over the deck. “There’s ink in my mouth! THERE’S INK IN MY MOUTH!”

  Margo grabbed Shivers’s slimy shoulder and pointed at the pillowcase sack. “We’ve got bigger problems than that!” The soft blue sack was now a slimy black mess. The knot Margo had tied was so slippery it opened with one push from the squid’s tentacles. The squid squirmed out onto the deck and gobbled up the sack in one bite.

  “Wow!” said Shivers. “That squid really is hungry. I wonder what it’s going to eat next.” He looked up to see the giant squid’s giant eyes fixated right on him. Margo began backing up, but Shivers just stood there, confused. “That’s funny. It’s staring right at me. I wonder if it’s trying to ask me what it should eat next.” Shivers took a step closer. “We do have lots of leftover carrots and celery. . . .”

  “Shivers!” Margo yelled. “We’ve got to get out of here. Quick, to the galley!”

  “The what?” Shivers asked.

  “The kitchen!” she said, sprinting off.

  “Oh. You’re hungry, too?” Shivers asked.

  By the time he turned around, Margo had almost reached the galley. He started to follow her, but the squid slithered forward and blocked his path. “Whoa, there!” Shivers shouted, starting to panic. “No need to get so close, Margo is getting your snack right now!”

  Margo opened the kitchen porthole and called down to the squid, “Why don’t you snack on these?!” She held up one of the Venus flytraps. “Shivers, do you remember what I told you on the tour of the ship?”

  “I think so,” Shivers said, racking his brain. “If you see a bad guy and the sack is already full, throw a Venus flytrap at him?”

  “Exactly!” Margo cheered.

  She started chucking out flytraps like a major league pitcher. But the squid was swatting the flytraps away like a major league batter—with ten gooey bats. Even when Margo managed to throw one of the flytraps right between the squid’s eyes, it flicked the flytrap off like a mosquito.

  “These flytraps aren’t doing anything!” said Shivers.

  Margo glared at him. “Well, they looked a lot scarier in my plant book! Do you have a better idea?”

  “How about we make some popcorn? Do squids like popcorn?” Shivers offered.

  Suddenly, Margo thought of the solution. “The bathtub full of swords!!!” She bolted off to the bathtub.

  “That was going to be my next idea. . . .” Shivers mumbled.

  Meanwhile, the squid was closing in on Shivers, with two of its tentacles raised up in the air like it was trying to slow-dance with him.

  Margo arrived on the deck brandishing a sword. “Hey, Shivers!” she shouted. “Catch!” She tossed one of the swords to Shivers. He immediately covered his head and ducked. The sword sailed right past him, off the side of the ship, and made a tiny PLINK sound as it hit the water.

  “Are you CRAZY?!” Shivers cried. “You never finished my sword training!”

  By now, the squid’s tentacles were surrounding Shivers like he was an egg in a slimy nest.

  “You’re right.” She frowned. And then she unfrowned. “But you were getting really good with that mop!” She only half meant what she was saying, but this wasn’t a time for such fine distinctions. “Remember, Shivers: Butter on Toast!”

  With his eyes closed and one hand gripping the mop handle, Shivers swung wildly at the squid like a baby trying to hit a piñata. Startled, the squid started to edge backward.

  Margo called out, “Party Pooper!”

  By now, Shivers was whimpering and sort of dancing around, still with his eyes closed, trying to remember the moves Margo had taught him. “Oh, just poke him with it, Shivers!” Margo finally shouted.

  And so very, very slowly, with one eye peeking open, Shivers jabbed the mop at the squid, and the squid opened its mouth and slurped it up. “My mop!” Shivers cried. “What will I swab with now?!”

  The squid started toward Shivers, looking hungrier than ever. At that moment, the ship sailed over a huge wave. Shivers fell and landed in squid goo. The squid tripped and landed in a pool of its own ink. The slippery ink sent the squid sliding right off the edge of the deck and into the sea.

  “Nice job, ocean! And,
Shivers . . . you were there, too!” Margo said. She ran to the railing to make sure the squid was gone for good. She looked over the side of the ship, only to see that the beast was still hanging on with one tentacle and slowly climbing back up. She whipped around. “Shivers, it’s coming back for more! What are we going to do?”

  “Um . . .” Shivers thought for a moment. “Song and dance time?”

  At first, Shivers couldn’t tell if Margo was confused, angry, or just tired of being covered in ink. Then, slowly, a huge grin crept across her face.

  “Shivers, you’re a genius!”

  She bounded over to the ladder. “I hooked the grand piano up to a pulley system so we could drop anchor whenever we needed to!” She scurried up the ladder to the helm.

  “No! Don’t drop anchor,” Shivers protested. “I don’t want stay here with this stupid squid! He does not understand boundaries!”

  “All I have to do is untie this knot!” she called out from the captain’s deck.

  “I’m serious, Margo. This is not a good neighborhood!” Shivers still wasn’t sure what on earth she was thinking. In a flash, Margo untied the knot. The grand piano plummeted off the side of the ship and landed with a splash so big that even a pelican flying high overhead got sprayed with salt water.

  Shivers peered down into the sea below, but there was no sign of the grand piano or the giant squid. For a moment, he didn’t hear a sound. Then, from beneath the water, there was a loud GULP. Shivers gasped and looked up at Margo. At the same time, they shouted, “It ate the piano!” Even Albee couldn’t believe it.

  The squid popped its head out of the water and started to swim away.

  “I guess it’s finally full,” said Shivers.

  “I can’t believe it thought that grand piano tasted good,” Margo said, marveling.

  Suddenly, they heard a noise coming from the water. It was that lawn-mower-in-the-stomach noise the squid had made earlier. “Uh, Margo?” Shivers said. “Maybe it didn’t.”