The Queen & the Homo Jock King

by T. J. Klune

  “Girl,” Georgia O’Queef said from next to the karaoke machine. “I don’t even want to know where you been, but you got spunk on your neck.”

  “It’s all Darren’s fault,” I snapped over my shoulder as I pushed my way through the crowd.

  “My fault,” he shouted after me. “You were the one that made me come on your face!”

  “Oh my word,” Georgia said. “Y’all need Jesus.”

  I made my way to the back of the bar and through the gate before Darren could catch up with me. I reached Mike’s trailer and didn’t even bother knocking. I threw open the door and stepped inside.

  Mike was sitting behind the desk, hunched over his computer. He looked startled when I stepped in, and then his jaw dropped.

  “Did we raise enough?” I demanded, standing before him, my hands on my hips.

  “What the fuck are you doing?” he said incredulously.

  I frowned at him. “What are you talking about? You listen here, Mike. Just because I didn’t knock doesn’t mean—”

  “Did you just come through the bar?” he asked, high-pitched.

  “Yeah. Where the fuck else would I have been?”

  “We serve alcohol in there,” Mike retorted. “You can’t have full frontal nudity and serve alcohol in the same place in Arizona!”

  And it was about that time that I realized I was completely and utterly naked.

  And I had just stormed through the bar.

  Where there were dozens of people.

  Darren burst into the trailer just as I began to screech.

  “Stop looking at it!” I screamed at Mike, trying to cover myself.

  “I can’t!” Mike cried. “It’s right there!”

  “Hey!” Darren snapped. “Stop looking at his dick. Only I can do that. Boyfriend privileges!” Darren stood in front of me, trying to put as much of himself between Mike and me as he could.

  “This is your fault,” I said to Darren, smacking him across the back of his head. Then, “Oh shit, I didn’t mean to domestically violence you! Please don’t leave me. I swear I can change. It’ll never happen again. It was the tequila, I promise!”

  Darren glared at me over his shoulder. “You just ran through the bar,” he growled. “Naked.”

  “I am aware of that now,” I said. “To be honest, I’m not quite sure what just happened there.”

  “Is that jizz on your neck?” Mike wheezed.

  I scowled at Darren. “Next time you come on my face, you better make sure it’s all off when we’re finished.”

  “Yes, dear,” he snarked at me.

  And, because I found his sarcasm to be amazing, I leaned forward and kissed him on the cheek. I felt him smile against my lips.

  “Wait,” Mike said. “What is this?” He pointed between the two of us.

  “What’s what?” I asked, hooking my chin on Darren’s shoulder.

  “This,” Mike said. “You two. I thought this was faked. Paul was furious with me.”

  “Oh,” I said. “Yes, well. Things change. It turns out that Darren’s been lusting after me for years and has been drowning himself in twinks to try and get the bittersweet taste of Helena out of his mouth.”

  “That’s really not what happened,” Darren said. “Okay, it sort of is. But to be fair, Sandy has been pining for me probably for just as long.”

  “That’s not even what happened at all,” I said through gritted teeth. “Okay, it pretty much is, but what the fuck! Bae, if you recall, we decided upstairs that you were the one that came crawling after me because you needed to correct your horrible wrongs.”

  “That’s not what we agreed to,” Darren said affably. “And if you’ll recall, you’re the one that dressed all our friends like a cracked-out Village People and followed me on a date I didn’t even want to be on, all because you were jealous.”

  “And you were the one that ate my ass next to a dumpster because you couldn’t resist finally getting your hands on my jelly!”

  “Are you quoting Destiny’s Child right now? Seriously?”

  “Oh my god, you’re such a homo. Do you love Destiny’s Child? Do you have their poster hanging above your bed? Do you light a candle and say a prayer every night to Queen B?”

  “Both of you need to shut the fuck up!” Mike shouted.

  And that got us to stop.

  Good thing too, because I was getting hard again. Who knew that bickering with Darren was one of my turn-ons?

  Well, I suppose I should have known that. We’d been doing it for years, after all.

  “Let me get this straight,” Mike said. “You two are together now. Like seriously, no bullshit together.”

  “Yeah,” I said, and the smile that Darren gave was blinding.

  “Holy fucking shit,” he said, sounding shocked. “It worked. I am amazing.”

  “Yes, well,” I said. “It was about time Darren pulled his head out of his—what do you mean you’re amazing? What worked?” I didn’t like the sound of that.

  Mike sat back down in his chair, rubbing his hands over his face, chuckling to himself. I really didn’t like the sound of that.

  “Mike,” I said ominously. “What did you do?”

  “We raised almost a hundred and fifty thousand dollars,” he said.

  I blinked. “Are you serious?”

  He sat back in his chair, eyeing us gleefully. “Completely. And all the money will go to the charities, as much as it pains me.”

  “You need to think of the crack babies,” I scolded him.

  “Every night before I go to sleep,” he said dryly. “I’m sure they’ll have a noncrack Christmas this year.”

  “Do you think it’ll be enough to beat your father?” I asked Darren.

  “I don’t know,” he admitted. “It depends on how much support he can get. It’s usually a big turnout every year.”

  “We need to hit up the Super Gays again,” I said to Mike. “We can’t take the chance that he could pull ahead at the last minute.”

  “Yeah,” Mike said. “About that. I don’t think you have to be worried about that.”

  I narrowed my eyes at him. “Explain.”

  “Are you happy?” he asked me.

  “With you? That remains to be seen, but the chances aren’t looking good.”

  He rolled his eyes. “With Darren.”

  Darren tensed in front of me, like he thought there was a chance I’d say no. What an idiot. “Probably the happiest I’ve been,” I said truthfully.

  “When we get out of here, I am going to do so many things to you,” Darren muttered under his breath.

  “Yes please,” I whispered back. Then, louder, “What does that have to do with anything?”

  Mike smiled that slippery smile of his. “See, funny story, and stick with me here, okay? So, I may have stretched the truth about how much trouble Jack It was in.”

  “What,” I said flatly.

  “Once upon a time, I saw this—”

  “Mike.”

  He sighed. “I signed the new contract on Jack It.”

  “When?”

  “The week after your lunch with Andrew Taylor.”

  “What?” I shrieked, immediately feeling guilty when Darren winced.

  Mike shrugged. “Do you know how much shit I’ve got on him? On his entire administration? There was never any chance the contract wouldn’t get signed. It probably also didn’t hurt that Lambda Legal sent the city of Tucson a nice inquiry letter, asking why a new contract hadn’t been provided as of yet. That letter, coupled with a few phone calls to remind certain officials of favors that were owed to me for keeping my mouth shut and voila! Jack It is contracted to remain open until sometime in the next decade.” Then he frowned at me. “Though, if you plan on running naked through my bar, that might not always be the case.”

  “Darren, you need to move,” I growled.

  “Why?” he asked.

  “Because I’m about to commit murder.”

  “Yeah,” Darren said. �
��I don’t think I’m going to do that. I just got you and I don’t think I’m the type to go for conjugal visits.”

  “Rude,” I said. “And don’t lie. You’d find some way to break me out. And if you couldn’t do that, then I’d expect you to at least commit a crime so that you’d be incarcerated with me. Our love burns bright.”

  “Not that brightly,” Darren said, the snarky bastard.

  “This is so nice,” Mike said, smiling dreamily at us. “I can’t believe this worked.”

  “What worked?” I snarled at him.

  “You two,” Mike said, as if it were obvious. “I got you together. That was the whole point of this.”

  We both gaped at him.

  He rolled his eyes. “You seriously haven’t figured that out?”

  “What the fuck,” I said faintly.

  “Look,” Mike said. “I knew Darren was in love with you, but wasn’t doing anything about it. And I knew you had feelings for him, but instead of manning up and admitting to yourself what everyone else could see, you decided to act like a bitch toward him. And I told myself, Mike ol’ buddy, you need to find some way to get these two crazy kids together.”

  “Is this real life?” I breathed to Darren.

  “I can feel your penis poking me,” he said. “So yeah. I think so.”

  “My bad,” I said.

  “It’s cool.”

  He was so awesome. I didn’t know why I couldn’t see it before.

  “So I decided to play the role of fairy godfather,” Mike said. “Because if there’s one thing I love in this world, it’s love.”

  “You’re seriously out of your fucking mind,” I said.

  “Probably,” he agreed. “But it worked, didn’t it? Unbelievably well, if those dead babies on your neck mean anything.”

  “But… but… just… the gay bar,” I sputtered.

  “I can’t believe you bought that.” He chuckled to himself. “I didn’t think it’d work. Seriously.” His voice turned slightly mocking. “You need to seduce Darren Mayne in order to get to his father to find a way to save a gay bar that’s being threatened with closure by the big, bad homophobes? Jesus, princess. This isn’t some eighties movie. That’s not how real life works.”

  “But I did that,” I said, too taken aback to say much else. “I did exactly that!”

  “Right,” Mike said. “And I don’t think I can comprehend how it all happened. But you got a boyfriend out of it. So, you’re welcome.”

  “Okay,” Darren said. “You can murder him now.”

  “You fucking Freddie Prinze Juniored me?” I exclaimed shrilly.

  “I don’t know if I know what that means,” Mike said. “Even if you guys say it all the time.”

  “It doesn’t fucking matter if you don’t know what that means. You did this. You are a goddamn liar—”

  He arched an eyebrow at me. “Why are you mad?”

  “Because,” I said. “You lied to me. You made me think that Darren was pining after his father, wanting a relationship with him because he had daddy issues!”

  “I have what?” Darren asked, sounding incredulous. “I don’t even like my father. I don’t even talk to him. Why the hell would I be pining after him?”

  “Had to tug on the heartstrings,” Mike said as if it were nothing. “Really sell it, you know? And you fell for it hook, line, and sinker, princess. You’re such a bleeding heart sometimes.”

  “I will stab your liver, you fucking piece of—”

  “You said you were happy,” he pointed out. “You have Darren. Jack It will stay open. We made a shit-ton of money for crack babies, and I’ll get amazing publicity for it. What, exactly, do you have a problem with?”

  “You magnificent bastard,” I said because he was right. He was really that damn good.

  “Thank you,” he said, looking rather pleased with himself. “There is something rather Machiavellian about this whole thing. I’m like a supervillain who has a heart of gold and did something nice for the holidays.” Then his eyes lit up again. “Oh, and one more thing. Darren, speaking of visits to prison, you may want to reconsider your position, especially if you ever want to try and form a relationship with your father. Though, I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t.”

  And with that, he picked up the TV remote off his desk and, without looking away from us, pointed it over his shoulder to the small flat-screen TV hanging in the corner.

  The TV flashed on. It was turned to CNN. BREAKING NEWS was listed dramatically in the corner of the screen, while there was a shot obviously taken from a helicopter.

  I recognized downtown Tucson almost immediately. In fact, it was only a few miles from where we were standing right now. I could probably go outside and see the helicopter circling in the distance.

  “…just joining us,” the anchor was saying, “breaking news out of Tucson, Arizona, today where the FBI, in conjunction with the Pima County Sheriff’s Department, has raided the offices of Tucson mayor Andrew Taylor. An unnamed spokesperson, citing the ongoing investigation, has stated that Mayor Taylor was arrested in his home earlier today on charges of embezzlement, tax fraud, and misappropriation of moneys earmarked for charities. As you can see from the footage, taken from local affiliate KGUN9, the offices are being emptied, with files and hard drives being removed from the scene. The mayor’s office has yet to release a statement, though it’s expected to have a response sometime this evening. Andrew Taylor has been in the spotlight as of late following the death of his wife last year and then his endorsement of Neo-Nazi presidential candidate Donald Trump. Before Trump’s campaign collapsed, there were rumors of a possible vice-presidential nomination for Taylor, though nothing came of it. Recent polls show Taylor’s popularity has recently taken a nosedive in light of accusations made—”

  Mike turned off the TV.

  “Oops,” he said, smiling.

  “You did this,” I breathed.

  “Of course not,” Mike scoffed. “Everyone knows anonymous tips never pan out. I guess his bad luck finally just caught up with him.”

  “Oh my god,” Darren said. “I came from those loins.”

  “Ew,” I said. “You should never say anything like that again.” Then I frowned. “You didn’t embezzle for your dad, did you? I’m not about to get my face splashed all over the news in a scandal I didn’t create myself. I have standards, after all. It’d have to be a sex tape or pictures of me snorting cocaine off Vin Diesel’s ass.”

  Darren rolled his eyes. “Don’t be stupid. You know I had nothing to do with that.”

  “Like I would ever let you close to him if I thought he’d done something illegal,” Mike said. Then he eyed us both critically. “Well, more illegal than apparently fucking inside my bar.”

  “Which you do all the time,” I pointed out. “And when did you become like the Godfather?”

  “Fairy godfather,” he corrected. “And princess, you should never underestimate the power of the Super Gays.”

  I stared at him blankly.

  “I’m one of the Super Gays,” he clarified.

  “Ooh,” I said. “That makes so much more sense. So, just so we’re clear, you basically orchestrated this entire thing as a means to get Darren and I together, right?”

  “Exactly,” he said.

  I moved around Darren, not giving a damn that I was naked. I stood in front of Mike’s desk and smiled warmly. “Thank you,” I said. “For helping me see what was right in front of me.”

  He nodded. “You’re welcome, princess.”

  The smile dropped off my face and I bared my teeth at him. I reached out and grabbed him by the chest hair, pulling him up and out of his seat. He squeaked as I brought his face inches from my own, snarling at him. “That being said, if you ever try and meddle in my life again, I will end you so fast, you won’t know what hit you until you’re already burning in the fiery pits of hell. Do you understand me?”

  “Meep,” he said, nodding frantically.

  “And y
ou’re still paying for my Miss Gay America bid, you dickmonger.”

  “Anything,” he gasped.

  “Good,” I spat at him. I shoved him back toward his seat. “Now, I don’t want to see you again for at least a week. If you even remotely consider stepping inside my club while I’m here during that week, I’ll get my boyfriend to kick the shit out of you.”

  “Wait, what?” Darren said.

  “Look intimidating,” I hissed at him.

  He crossed his arms over his chest and turned the full might of his death glare at Mike. It was literally one of the hottest things I’d ever seen.

  “You know,” Mike said, clearing his throat. “It’s hard feeling threatened when you’ve got half a chub going on from that alone. Seriously, princess. You are so gone on him.”

  And what sucked is that he was right. About the feelings.

  And the boner.

  “Give me your shirt!” Darren barked at him, which did nothing but make things worse for me.

  He complied rather quickly, stripping his button-down off, leaving him in an old tank top. He tossed the shirt to Darren, who hooked it around my waist, tying it off so it slung low around my hips.

  “Huh,” I said. “I guess I just look good in everything.” I glared back up at Mike. “And you’re not getting it back!”

  And with that, I stormed out of the trailer, Darren close on my heels. He slammed the door behind us. We stood in the gravel parking lot, just staring at each other, breathing heavily. He broke first, lips twitching. I followed quickly and soon, we were hanging off each other, laughing so hard that it hurt, because this was literally the stupidest and most wonderful thing that had ever happened to me.

  And it seemed he felt the same way.

  Which was good.

  He wiped the tears from my eyes and then hugged me close.

  “You okay?” I asked, laughter still in my voice.

  “Why wouldn’t I be?” he asked, holding me tight.

  “Your dad.”

  “He wasn’t my dad,” Darren said. “Hadn’t been for a very long time. If ever. It’s fine. Trust me. If anything, it’s a burden I no longer have to worry about carrying.”

  I pulled back, but only just, his hands on my arms, my own up around his shoulders. He had a smile on his face, his eyes bright. He was looking at me like I was something special, and I was starting to see that I was. At least to him. And I think that was all that mattered. “And everything else?” I asked.