The Umpire Has No Clothes
Page 14
Man on horseback– Lady Gaga
Race car– Dale Earnhardt Jr.
Loco-motive– Ben Bernanke
Thimble– Heidi Klum
Howitzer– John McCain
Scottie dog– Scottie (who beamed up a mutt with Snookie’s eyes)
Iron– Mike Tyson
Top hat– Donald Trump
NASA– An institution facing funding cutbacks in its quest to clean up the toxic waste on Mars, particularly all the plastic bottles. (Note: Due to practically unlimited funds, the University of Texas will be asked to fund SETI with the largest radio telescope ever, the Long Horn. The Tennessee Titans will be asked to sponsor a manned mission to Titan. The Penn State Lions and the Auburn Tigers will asked to team with the Bengals, Panthers, Bears, Rams, Colts, and Jaguars to fund National Parks and Zoos, and to prevent all these animals from going extinct by creating solutions to pollution and global warming. The Steelers and Chargers will be asked to fix our roads and bridges, with the Bills picking up the tab on alternative fuels. The Patriots, Giants, and Saints will be asked to rush in and clean up Washington, tackling that offensive line of lobbyists and career guards. Then the Packers will send them packing, and the Eagles will restore oversight for the Chiefs until the Raiders can stop Wall Street at the line of scrimmage. . . or rather DC’s city limits. All of this will happen in an alternate universe superior in every regard to our own.)
NASCAR– National Association of Scatterbrained Cachectic Acatalectic Republicans. (Unfortunately, few of them suffer from azoospermia.)
NATIONAL HEALTH CARE– A plan to make healthy people pay for everyone who smokes too much and drinks too much while watching John Madden pigging out on potato chips or pork rinds.
NEUTRON STAR– A new “singing” sensation that exploded at being downsized, and vented its rage by illuminating all the dirt that surrounds it to a Spin Magazine interviewer.
NEPTUNE– Eighth major planet from the sun, Neptune also has eight moons, and travels in an elliptical racetrack-shaped orbit roughly 2.75 billion miles out in the back 9. It goes around the sun once about every 165 Earth rotations. So if you played golf on Neptune professionally, you’d only have one season before you died of old age, and even Tiger Woods could only drive a ball two inches. That is, if he survived being frozen (harder than an Eskimo Pie in a 7/11 freezer.) Getting his ball within a 9 iron’s range of the flag would pose a daunting problem, as it would weigh more than a KFC addict does on Earth. Even one ready to “kick the bucket.”
NEWS ANCHOR– If in the National leagues, a millionaire. If on the county circuit, someone whose mantra is “if it bleeds, it leads,” repeated while in the shower, or while brushing their incisors with Clorox. (Note: News anchors are often seen pandering to movie star and sports star worshipers by injecting news about them between reports on mass executions by dictators. But of course they are so jaded to human misery that they have no trouble asking a widowed mother of six how she feels after her husband just got decapitated by an overturned plate glass delivery truck.)
NHL– National Hackers League, an organization which hopes to achieve the same public acceptance as the IFOCE or International Federation of Competitive Eating (see GLUTTON BOWL.) Cyber criminal and investment guru William Del Biaggio once bought an NHL team with money stolen from retirees, then went to jail, where he expressed little remorse for the grandpas and grandmas whose grandkids only get to see them at Wal Mart, where they now work as greeters or cheese puff stockers.
NIELSEN FAMILY– An eclectic group of ignorant misfits too ashamed to admit what they watch for a living (unlike non-Nielsen television junkies.) For this sole innate trait of integrity they alone are allowed to decide which shows are canceled. (Otherwise there’d be no arts or education on the boob tube at all, just shows where you pick suitcases held by girls in bimbo uniforms.)
NIRVANA– A mythical place, or haven for suicide bombers, where a thousand Rihanna or Kimbella clones sit around reading Proust to you. No wait, that’s hell. (Actually, this is a rock group, but they probably haven’t made it to heaven, either. Neither has Ted Kennedy, whose Camelot, like sunken lost Atlantis, now lies somewhere beneath the waters near Chappaquiddick.)
NO BELL PRIZE– A special Peace Prize medal given to dismembered corpses for whom no bell tolls.
PASSION– A level of emotion rarely perceived as negative by those who believe bigger is always better. This is why dispassionate people are thought to be stupid, even though they may have bigger brains or higher I.Q.s. The passionate use megaphones while the dispassionate use microphones. (Sociopathic dispassionates include politicians, televangelists, talk show hosts, and other acting professionals.) The former play boom boxes while the latter wear ear protection. Passionate people embrace all of life, including viruses and memes. These lemmings aim their telescopes at what they think is the future, but is in reality the past. Meanwhile, the dispassionate examine the present dispassionately under a microscope and write books about their discoveries.
PILOT WHALES– Aquatic lemmings who travel in iPods, then beach themselves whenever one of them decides to complain about battery life.
PINCH HIT– A song written by a crackhead star in rehab looking to score a return to public adoration.
PITCH CLOCK– A countdown timer that requires the pitcher to throw or be sidelined. Discovered to be in use in the 11th Dimension by Stephen Hawking. . . an alternate world just a bit more rational about wasting time than we on Planet Hollywood.
PLAYER– Heedless of advice from those who might advise him to “step away from the vehicle,” this ‘smooth operator’ kicks the tires, climbs up behind the wheel, drives along the edge of a cliff, then leaps out at the last minute. A graduate of BAU (Bachelors Are Us), a secret brotherhood of neurotics which meets the third Thursday of every month in the liquor lockers of downtown sports bars, he is taught the Aversion Method, wherein he’s strapped to a Delco battery by fellow jocks and jolted for two hours on the cue “I do.”
POETRY– This is a type of literature in which, unlike rap or Pepsi commercials sung by Britney, combine sound and meaning to create verse of great universal significance. Example:
The worms will go in,
the worms will go out,
and ants will play (See: Tiddlywinks)
on your snout.
POLITICS– A shell game played by blind people betting with your money.
POP CULTURE– That which produces bubbles, often tiny but magnified by a zoom TV camera lens operated by special effects icons. Just before the bubbles burst, the camera invariably swivels to the next 64 oz. Big Gulp.
POSITIVE THINKER– One who laughs in the face of doom, skips off the stage at being buzzed, and believes the glass is half full, even when they’ve just spilled a mobster’s favorite wine on his best shirt. In short, insane. (Note: be sure to look closely under the PT’s scalp to see if there’s a tiny 666 there to explain his supernatural luck at avoiding a Darwin award. If you can’t see through the thick hair and dandruff, ask his barber–-a doomed soul who’s probably either sworn to secrecy or has mistaken the numbers for three nines, part of a numbered Swiss account.)
PLUTOCRATISM–- The philosophy that the richer you are, the more worthy of praise. Origin: Pre-1865, during an era of legal ownership of slaves, such a philosophy was taken for granted, and did not need to be defined. Soon after, a man was defined by refined social position and holdings (land, houses, dress, butlers, number of cigars smoked, etc.) Later, with the emergence of hip hop, bling came into vogue as modesty was flushed in favor of revenge. The Republicans then fought back with larger yachts, art collections, Hamptons villas, exclusive clubs, radio talk shows, banking deregulation, Mexican pseudo-slaves. Finally, around the time of the expulsion of Pluto from the rank of planet, offshore Swiss and Caymans tax evasion revenge strategies came into play among all plutocrats as a means to crush the middle class and return America to only rich (overlords) and poor (black and white slaves.) In order to justify this
strategy, a new monetary philosophy was taught by priests (CEOs) in Wall Street churches (investment banks) and circulated to the masses via television (e.g. Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?, American Idol, The X Factor, The NFL Draft, and America’s Next Top Model Citizen.) The philosophy reduces guilt at doubling or tripling one’s wealth (while paying a lower tax rate than the working class) during a period characterized by homeless teachers carrying signs in parks. It not only affirms the slogans “survival of the fittest” and “might makes right,” but also provides self justification for blowing the horn of one’s Mercedes at lesser mortals driving the speed limit in their Honda Civics. In short, to plutocrats adopting this philosophy, laws and regulations are for fools which God Himsel$ has seen fit to punish by making poor, and so everyone not in their club should be grateful to be allowed to live at all.
QQ Coin– A token used to play video games in China. Also used to decide on real currency and trade decisions via flipping. Since it is the most used coin in the world, it will eventually replace all other coins to decide close elections between Democrats and Republicans. While wars, famines, fires and floods ravage the real world, (with the moon turning to blood), QQ coins will be used to purchase blue pills for entry into the Matrix, and maybe a cache of virtual reality Rush Limbaugh-brand Oxycodone, along with virtual cigars and high res Porterhouse steaks. (Tea Partiers will continue to opt for dark roast Colombian, along with VR white flake Colombian.)
RAPPER– A player whose scores of choice relate to sex and money. With or without a BS degree (Bachelor of Sex), he may or may not be able to sing and/or properly rhyme all of the four letter words he (or she-devil) nonetheless turns into cash. And then eats. On camera.
REALITY TV– Actually alternate reality television, a twisted world where no one ever notices the elephant in the room due to its ego-cam recording of all the hissy fits for mass lemming consumption.
RHUBARB– An error in baseball in which an obscenity is shouted at an umpire, leading to a fine that said tobacco spitter later purports to regret.
ROSARIES– A counting game involving tiny balls, and scored by those who believe they can “win” after playing (or being played by) Doctor. (See also Body Count.)
SATIRE– A tool used by the powerless to point out absurdities sustained by wilful ignorance, such as the emperor having no clothes. . . or the awards show diva having no underwear.
SENATOR: A pathological liar whose sociopathic proclivity to waste other people’s money is augmented by a narcissistic A-Rod complex.
SEX– When a sport, your partner is your opponent. . .with slapping her around soon becoming as natural as swinging a bat.
SCHOOL– A place you attend to meet girls and discuss sports. Anything related to learning (or acquiring skills unrelated to sports or dating) is done under protest.
SCIENTIST– Someone with an advanced degree related to the study of the natural world (or analytical thought, as opposed to study of unnatural, anal thoughts–-that would be Scientology.) Example: according to social scientists, most of us want a feeling of accomplishment or belonging, even if it’s an illusion. This is why the majority of fans are predisposed to give their hearts and souls over to a team, while only a rare, immune minority–-the managers and players themselves–-are prepared to swap teams in a heartbeat for better parking elsewhere.
SHIT– A widely used word that is oddly frowned upon when used in high society. If you use the word more than once a day in any public conversation or email, you will be targeted by the NSA for monitoring, since use of the word is more likely to be heard in the presence of psychopaths and terrorists. This results in thousands of hours of agent time needed to delete instances of the word’s use in locker rooms by athletes. (Even if they hold down the delete key.)
SPIKING THE BALL– An ego display made in an end zone, in which a pigskin leather balloon in the shape of Stewie’s head is smashed down onto the Astroturf. Frowned upon by opposing egos, (except in ancient games when real heads were used.) A “spike” is the same action used to stop a clock, or to end a sick cow’s life before processing into McPatties. Also, “spiking it” was that game played by full metal jacketed Romans with Jesus.
SPORT– One of 84,032 games designed to increase one’s thrill at victory, agony at defeat, and risk of bipolar disorder. NOTE: May result in Empathuphobia, Lachanophobia, and/or Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia. (The fear of peace, the fear of vegetables, and the fear of long words.)
SPORTS ANNOUNCER–Someone who is overpaid to lend commentary to a game. Example:
BOB: Did you see Dion rush there? Man, he gives a hundred percent every time he goes out on the field!
BILL: Ya got that right. A hundred ten percent. What’s yer opinion on that pass we just saw?
BOB: Wow. That’s what I say.
BILL: And that says it all.
BOB: Ya got that right, Bill.
BILL: Yada?
BOB: Yada!
SPORTS BAR– A place of worship equipped with multiple wide-screen HDTVs, open on Sunday. Worshipers may maintain altars at home, too, for ritual sacrifices of lamb, steer, and chicken. But they may not dress in holy garments fanatically displaying the proper colors for ceremonial penitence unless their high priests aren’t “cooking” on the “gridiron.”
SPORTS DRINK– A beverage used, in the end, for washing down a cyanide pill. Utilized by Hitler when he discovered he wouldn’t make the next Olympics.
STAR– A godlike figure given signing bonuses higher than the career earnings of players who started their sport a Century prior. Also, a massive ball of burning plasma dwarfing the Earth, also known as a “reality show celebrity.” (Note: Our entire infrastructure feeds on stars, giving individual star players the culturally vital and socially acceptable chance to snort coke with groupies and hookers in hotel penthouses after dancing in the end zone. It is still puzzling, however, that celebrity wannabes are willing do anything to get on TV–-including putting their heads into containers full of flies, snakes, or spiders for the chance of being fifteen minute sports celebrities themselves. Don’t they have any imagination regarding groupies and hookers? It sure would be safer.)
STEPPING UP TO THE PLATE– The same action taken as with “bellying up to the bar,” but only when there’s a special pre-game buffet, and not just beer nuts.
STUPORBOWL– A drinking contest held after the Super Bowl, usually by the losing team.
SUDDEN DEATH OVERTIME– What happens to an obese fan whose cholesterol clotted heart has been living on borrowed time up until the moment he realizes that his lost wager may result in getting his kneecaps shattered by a guy named Vinny.
SUPER RICH– Club owner billionaires and other 1%ers who fly to the Caymans just to be near their money, and who are pre-qualified to win a Heistman Trophy. They are adept at many money games, such as the PGA (proper grip attitude), along with other flaunting techniques (including how to convincingly appear uncertain of one’s actual worth.) The Super Duper Rich (SDR) instinctively know WHY the probability of a piece of toast landing butter-side-down is NOT proportionate to the cost of the carpet, but has more to do with the pile. . . and would also rather DIE than live in your house, drive your car or eat your food, although they don’t mind making it difficult for YOU to do so.
SUPREME COURT– An institution of secret wrestling fans now considering the validity of a Texas law classifying certain sports as religions for favored tax exempt status. (Note: Asked what this may mean for an already collapsing U.S. economy, newly positioned Chiefs Justice “Lefty” Bomgardner replied, “We didn’t consider that, we just want the highest laws in the land to reflect what is actually happening in America.”)
SWING FOR THE FENCES– A phrase meaning “put the ball into the glove of the punk leaning over to catch it and sell it on eBay.”
TELEVANGELIST: An anagram for “Evil’s Tele-Agent.” Most televangelists start off talking about bingo and then slip into a sermon about the rewards of tithing and giving, with an 800
number displayed below. They are acutely aware of numbers and scores, but not one of them has ever been known to open a sermon with “I’m worth $14.8 Million now, praise the Lord!” or “In the beginning was the Big Bang, and it was loud.”
THE SCORE– The only thing worth keeping or remembering, (although yet to be found on any final exam or test for a trade job license.)
THE SECRET– A game of self hypnosis induced by a woman who adopted Hitler’s quote, “the bigger the lie, the more people will believe it.” (And who secretly plays the slots.)
TIDDLYWINKS– A game secretly favored by Bob Costas, one he hopes will make the Olympics, along with competitive staring.
TIME– A mystery, because no one really knows what this is. The concept of time is debated by physicists and cab drivers alike. Can you ever really waste time when you don’t even know what it is? If you’re just sitting on a park bench, can you be happy when everyone around you is busy playing ball or power walking or picnicking or “making time?” Are you out of the loop, a truly clueless human being for just sitting there like a dork, doing nothing? And why does the mind need to compartmentalize time into fragments, to measure it, to dole it out, to justify it, and then to account for it? What if you could just turn off all those nagging thoughts and just BE? Just live the moment without plotting it on timeline, and tracking it, and feeling guilty about “wasting” it. What would you be thinking about then, sports fans?