by Thomas Nash
to protect your appareil from theimperfections of the spigot, most amply bewrais your lowly minde. Ispeake it with teares, too fewe such humble spirited noble men haue we,that will draw drinke in linen aprons. Why you are euerie childs felow,any man that comes vnder the name of a souldier and a goodfellowe, youwill sitte and beare companie to the last pot, yea, and you take inas good part the homely phrase of mine host heeres to you, as if onesaluted you by all the titles of your baronie. These considerations,I saie, which the world suffers to slippe by in the channell ofcarelesnes, haue moued me in ardent zeale of your welfare, to forewarneyou of some dangers that haue beset you & your barrels. At the name ofdangers hee start up, and bounst with his fist on the boord so hard,that his Tapster ouerhearing him, cried anone anone sir, by and by, andcame and made a low leg and askt him what he lackt. Hee was readie tohaue striken his Tapster, for interrupting him in attention of this hisso much desired relation, but for feare of displeasing me he moderatedhis furie, and onely sending him for the other fresh pint, wild himlooke to the barre, and come when hee is cald with a deuilles name.Well, at his earnest importunitie, after I had moistned my lips, to makemy lie runne glib to his iourneies end, forward I went as followeth. Itchaunced me the other night, amongst other pages, to attend where theking with his Lords, and many chiefe leaders sate in counsel, thereamongst sundrie serious matters that were debated, and intelligencesfrom the enemy giuen vp, it was priuily informed (no villains to thesepriuie informers) that you, euen you that I now speak to, would Ihad no tongue to tell the rest, by this drink it grieues me so I am notable to repeate it. Nowe was my dronken Lord redie to hang himself forthe end of the ful point, and ouer my necke he throws himselfe verielubberly, and intreated me as I was a proper young Gentleman, and euerlookt for pleasure at his hands, soone to rid him out of this hell ofsuspence, & resolue him of the rest, then fell hee on his knees, wronghis handes, and I thinke, on my conscience, wept out all the syder thathe had dronke in a weeke before, to moue me to haue pitie on him, herose and put his rustie ring on my finger, gaue me his greasie pursewith that single money that was in it, promised to make mee his heire,& a thousand more fauours, if I would expire the miserie of hisvnspeakable tormenting vncertaintie. I being by nature inclined to_Mercie_ (for indeed I knew two or three good wenches of that name) badhim harden his eares, & not make his eyes abortiue before their time,and he should haue the inside of my brest turnd outward, heare such atale as would tempt the vtmost strength of life to attend it, and notdie in the middest of it. Why (quoth I) my selfe, that am but a poorechildish welwiller of yours, with the verie thought, that a man ofyour desert and state, by a number of pesants and varlets should be soiniuriously abused in hugger mugger, haue wept al my vrine vpward. Thewheele vnder our Citie bridge, carries not so much water ouer the city,as my braine hath welled forth gushing streames of sorow. I haue wept soimmoderatly and lauishly, that I thought verily my palat had bin turnedto pissing conduit in London. My eies haue bin dronk, outragiouslydronke, with giuing but ordinary entercourse through their sea-circledHands to my distilling dreariment What shal I saie? that which malicehath sayde is the meere ouerthrow & murder of your daies. Change notyour colour, none can slander a cleere conscience to it selfe, receiueall your fraught of misfortune in at once.
It is buzzed in the kings head that you are a secret friend to theenemy, & vnder pretence of getting a license to furnish the campe withsyder and such like prouant, you haue furnisht the enemy, and in emptiebarrells sent letters of discouerie, and come innumerable, I might wellhaue left here, for by this time his white liuer had mixt it selfewith the white of his eie, & both were turned vpwardes, as if they hadoffered themselues a fayre white for death to shoote at. The troth was,I was verie loth mine hoste and I should parte to heauen with dry lips,wherefore the best meanes that I could imagine to wake him out of histraunce, was to crie loude in his eare, hough host, whats to pay, willno man looke to the reckning heere and in plaine veritie, it tookeexpected effect, for with the noise he started and bustled, like a manthat had beene scard with fyre out of his sleepe, and ranne hastilyto his Tapster, and all to belaboured him about the eares, for lettingGentlemen call so long and not looke in to them. Presently he remembredhimselfe, and had like to haue fallen into his memento againe, But thatI met him halfe waies, and askt his Lordship what he meant to sliphis necke out of the coller so sodainly, and being reuiued, strike histapster so rashly.
Oh, quoth he, I am bought & solde for doing my Country such good seruiceas I haue done. They are afraid of mee, because my good deedes hauebrought me into such estimation with the communalty, I see, I see it isnot for the lambe to liue with the wolfe.
The world is well amended, thought I, with your Sidership, such anotherfortie yeeres nappe together as _Epemenides_ had, would make you aperfect wise man. Answere me, quoth he, my wise young _Wilton_, is ittrue that I am thus vnderhand dead and buried by these bad tongues?
Nay, quoth I, you shall pardon me, for I haue spoken too much alreadie,no definitiue sentence of death shall march out of my wel meaning lips,they haue but lately suckt milke, and shall they so sodainly changetheyr food and seeke after bloud?
Oh but, quoth he, a mans friend is his friend, fill the other pintTapster, what sayd the king, did hee beleeue it when hee heard it, Ipray thee say, I sweare to thee by my nobility, none in the worlde shalleuer be made priuie, that I receiued anie light of this matter fromthee.
That firme affiance, quoth I, had I in you before, or else I would neuerhaue gone so farre ouer the shooes, to plucke you out of the mire. Notto make many wordes (since you will needs know) the king saies flatly,you are a miser & a snudge, and he neuer hopt better of you. Nay then(quoth he) questionlesse some planet that loues not syder hath conspiredagainst me. Moreouer, which is worse, the king hath vowed to giue_Turwin_ one hot breakfast, onely with the bungs that hee will pluckeout of your barrells. I cannot staie at this time to reporte eachcircumstance that passed, but the only counsell that my long cherishedkinde inclination can possibly contriue, is now in your olde daies to beliberall, such victuals or prouisions as you haue, presently distributeit frankly amongst poore souldiers, I would let them burst their bellieswith syder, and bathe in it, before I would runne into my Princes illopinion for a whole sea of it. The hunter pursuing the beauer for hisstones, hee bites them off, and leaues them behinde for him to gathervp, whereby he liues quiet. If greedie hunters and hungry teltalespursue you, it is for a little pelfe which you haue, cast it behind you,neglect it, let them haue it, lest it breed a further inconuenience.Credit my aduice, you shall finde it propheticall, and thus I hauedischarged the parte of a poore friend. With some few like phrases ofceremonie, your honors suppliant, & so forth, and farewel my good youth,I thanke thee and will remember thee, we parted. But the next daie Ithinke we had a dole of syder, syder in boules, in scuppets, in helmets,& to conclude, if a man would haue fild his bootes full, there heemight haue had it, prouant thrust it selfe into poore souldiers pocketswhether they would or no. We made fiue peals of shot into the townetogether, of nothing but spiggots and faussets of discarded emptiebarrels: euerie vnderfoote soildiour had a distenanted tunne, as_Diogenes_ had his tub to sleepe in, I my selfe got as many confiscatedTapsters aprons, as made me a Tent, as bigge as any ordinarie commandersin the field. But in conclusion, my welbeloued Baron of double beere gothim humbly on his marybones to the king, and complained hee was olde andstriken in yeres, and had nere an heire to cast at a dogge, wherefore ifit might please his maiesty to take his lands into his hands, and allowehim some reasonable pension to liue on, hee shoulde bee meruailous welpleased: as for the warres, he was wearie of them, and yet as long ashighnes shoulde venture his owne person, hee would not flinch a foot,but make his withered bodie a buckler, to beare off anie blow thatshould be aduanced agaynst him.
The king meruailing at this strange alteration of his great marchant ofsyder (for so hee woulde often pleasantly tearme him), with a littlefurther talke bolted out the whole complotment Then was I pittifullywhipt for my holy
day lie, although they made themselues merrie with itmany a faire winters euening after.
Yet notwithstanding his good asseheaded honor mine host, perseuered inhis former simple request to the king to accept of the surrender ofhis landes, and allowe him a beadsmanry or out-brother-ship of brachet,which at length, through his vehement instancie tooke effect, and theking ieastingly sayd, since he would needs haue it so, he would distrainon part of his land for impost of syder, which hee was behinde handewith him, and neuer payd.
This was one of my famous atchieuements, insomuch as I neuer light vponthe like famous foole, but I haue done a thousand better ieasts if theyhad bin bookt in order as they were begotten. It is pittie posteritieshoulde bee depriued of such precious recordes, and yet there is noremedie, and yet there is to, for when all fayles, welfare a goodmemorie. Gentle readers (looke you be gentle now since I haue cald youso) as freely as my knauerie was mine owne, it shall be yours to vse
