by Thomas Nash
inthe way of honestie.
Euen in this expedition of Turwin (for the king stoode not longthrumming of buttons there) it happened me fall out (I would it hadfallen out otherwise for his sake) with an vgly mechanical Captaine. Youmust thinke in an armie, where tronchios are in their state house, it isa flat stab once to name a Captaine without cappe in hand. Well, supposehee was a Captaine, & had nere a good cap of his owne, but I was faineto lend him one of my Lords cast veluet caps, and a weatherbeatenfeather, wherewith he threatned his souldiers a farre off, as Iupiter issayde, with the shaking of his haire to make heauen and earth to quake:suppose out of the paringes of a paire of false dice, I apparelled bothhim and my selfe many a time and oft: and surely not to slander thedeuill, if anie man euer deserued the golden dice, the king of theParthians sent to _Demetrius_ it was I, I had the right vaine of suckingvp a die twixt the dintes of my fingers, not a creuise in my hande butcoulde swallowe a quater trey for a neede: in the line of life many adead lifte dyd there lurke, but it was nothing towards the maintenanceof a family. This Monsieur Capitano eate vp the creame of my earnings,and _Crede mihi res est ingeniosa dare_, any man is a fine fellowas long as he hath anie monie in his purse. That monie is like themarigolde, which opens and shuts with the Sunne, if fortune smileth,or one be in fauour, it floweth: if the euening of age comes on, or hefalleth into disgrace, it fadeth and is not to be found. I was my craftsmaster though I was but yong, and could as soone decline _Nominatiuo hicasinus_, as a greater clarke, wherefore I thought it not conuenient mysoldado should haue my purse anie longer for his drumme to play vppon,but I woulde giue him Iacke drummes entertainment, and send him packing.This was my plot, I knewe a peece of seruice of intelligence, which waspresently to bee done, that required a man with all his fiue senses toeffect it, and would ouefthrow anie foole that should vndertake it,to this seruice did I animate and egge my foresayd costes and charges,alias, senior veluet-cappe, whose head was not encombered with too muchforecast, and comming to him in his cabbin about dinner time, where Ifound him verie deuoutly paring of his nailes for want of other repast,I entertained him with this solemne oration.
Captaine, you perceiue how neere both of vs are driuen, the dice of lateare growen as melancholy as a dog, high men and low men both prosperalike, langrets, fullams, and all the whole fellowshippe of them willnot affoord a man his dinner, some other means must be inuented topreuent imminent extremitie. My state, you are not ignorant, depends ontrencher seruice, your aduancement must be deriued from the valourof your arme. In the delayes of siege, desert hardly gets a daye ofhearing, tis gowns must direct and guns enact all the wars that is tobee made against walls. Resteth no waie for you to climbe sodainly, butby doing some straunge stratageme, that the like hath not bene heard ofheeretofore, and fitly at this instant occasion is ministred.
There is a feate the king is desirous to haue wrought on some greatman of the enemies side, marie it requireth not so much resolution asdiscretion to bring it to passe, and yet resolution inough shalbe showenin it to, being so full of hazardous ieopardy as it is, harke inyour eare, thus it is. Without more drumbling or pausing, if you willvndertake it, and worke it through stitch (as you may ere the king hathdetermined which waie to goe about it) I warrant you are made while youliue, you neede not care which waie your staffe falles, if it proue notso, then cut off my head.
Oh my auditors, had you seene him how he stretcht out his lims, scratchthis scabd elbowes at this speech, how hee set his cap ouer his eiebrowes like a polititian, and then folded his armes one in another, &nodded with the head, as who should saie, let the French beware, forthey shall finde me a deuill, if I say, you had seen but halfe theactions that he vsed of shrucking vp his shoulders, smiling scornfully,playing with his fingers on his buttons, and biting the lip, you woldhaue laught your face and your knees together. The yron being hot, Ithought to lay on loade, for in anie case I would not haue his humourcoole. As before I layd open vnto him the briefe summe of the seruice,so now I began to vrge the honorablenesse of it, and what a rare thingit was to be a right polititian, how much esteemd of kings and princes,and how diuerse of meane parentage haue come to be monarches by it. ThenI discourst of the qualities and properties of him in euerie respect,how lyke the wolfe he must drawe the breath from a man before he beseen, how lyke a hare he must sleepe with his eyes open, how as theEagle in flying casts dust in the eyes of crowes & other foules, forto blind them, so he must cast dust in the eies of his enimies, deludetheir sight by one meanes or other, y they diue not into his subtilties:how he must be familiar with all & trust none, drinke, carouse andlecher with him out of whom he hopes to wring anie matter, sweare andforsweare, rather than be suspected, and in a word, haue the art ofdissembling at his fingers ends as perfect as anie courtier.
Perhaps (quoth I) you may haue some few greasie cauelliers that willseeke to disswade you from it, and they will not sticke to stand ontheyr three halfe pennie honour, swearing and staring that a man werebetter be an hangman than an intelligencer, and call him a sneakingeausdropper, a scraping hedgecreeper, and a piperly pickthanke, butyou must not bee discouraged by theyr talke, for the most part of thosebeggerly contemners of wit, are huge burlybond butchers like _Aiax_,good for nothing but to strike right downe blowes on a wedge with acleauing beetle, or stande hammering all daie vppon barres of yron. Thewhelpes of a Beare neuer grow but sleeping, and these bearewards hauingbig limmes shall bee preferd though they doe nothing. You haue readstories, (He bee sworne he neuer lookte in booke in his life) how manyof the Romane worthies were there that haue gone as spies into theyrenemies campe? _Vlysses, Nestor, Diomed_, went as spies together in thenight into the tentes of _Rhosus_ and intercepted _Dolon_ the spieof the Troians: neuer anie discredited the trade of intelligencersbut _Iudas_, & he hanged himselfe. Danger will put wit into anie man._Architas_ made a wooden doue to flie: by which proportion I see noreason that the veryest blocke in the world should despayre of aniething. Though nature be contrarie inclined, it may be altered, yetvsually those whome she denies her ordinarie giftes in one thing, shedoubles them in another. That which the asse wants in wit, hee hath inhonestie, who euer sawe him kicke or winch, or vse anie iades trickes,though he liue an hundred yeeres you shall never heare that he breakespasture. Amongest men, hee that hath not a good wit, lightly hath agood yron memorie, and he that hath neither of both, hath some bones tocarrie burthens. Blinde men haue better noses than other men: the bulshorns serue him as well as hands to fight withall: the lions pawes areas good to him as a polaxe, to knock downe anie that resists him: so theBores tushes serue him in better stead than a sword and buckler, whatneed the snaile care for eyes, when he feeles the waie with his twohomes, as well as if hee were as sharpe sighted as a decypherer. Thereis a fish that hauing no wings, supportes her selfe in the ayre withher finnes. Admit that you had neither wit nor capacitie, as sure in myiudgement there is none equall vnto you in idiotisme, yet if you hauesimplicitie and secrecie, serpents themselues will thinke you a serpent,for what serpent is there but hydeth his sting: and yet whatsoeuer beewanting, a good plausible alluring tong in such a man of imployment canhardly be spard, which as the forenamed serpent, with his winding taylefetcheth in those that come neere him: so with a rauishing tale, itgathers all mens heartes vnto him, which if hee haue not, let him neuerlooke to ingender by the mouth, as rauens and doues doe, that is,mount or be great by vndermining. Sir, I am assertayned that all theseimperfections I speake off, in you haue theyr naturall resiance, I seein your face, that you were borne with the swallow, to feede flying,to get much treasure and honour by trauell. None so fit as you for soimportant an enterprise, our vulgar reputed polititians are but flyesswimming on the streame of subtiltie superficially in comparison ofyour singularitie, theyr blind narrowe eyes cannot pearce into theprofunditie of hypocrisie, you alone with _Palamed_, can pry into_Vlysses_ madde counterfeting, you can discerne _Achilles_ from achamber maide, though he be deckt with his spindle and distaffe: as_Ioue_ dining with _Licaon_ could not be beguiled with humane fles
hdrest like meate, so no humane braine may goe beyond you, none beguileyou, you gull all, all feare you, loue you, stoupe to you. Therefore,good sir, be rulde by mee, stoupe your fortune so lowe, as to bequeathyour selfe wholy to this businesse.
This siluer sounding tale made such sugred harmonie in his eares, thatwith the sweete meditation, what a more than myraculous polititianhe should be, and what kingly promotion should come tumbling on himthereby, he could haue found in his heart to haue packt vp his pipes &to haue gone to heauen without a baite, yea, hee was more inflamed andrauishte with it than a young man called _Tauritnontanus_ was with thePhrigian melodie, who was so incensed and fyred therewith, that he wouldneedes runne presently vpon it, and set a curtizans house on fire thathad angered him.
No remedie there was but I must helpe to furnish him with monie, I didso, as who wil not make his enemy a bridge of golde to flie by. Verieearnestly he coniurd me to make no man liuing
