The Vnfortunate Traveller, or The Life Of Jack Wilton

by Thomas Nash

wife, and made cleane my rapier, because I would not beesuspected. Uppon this was I laide in prison, should haue been hanged,was brought to the ladder, had made a ballet for my farewell in areadines called _Wiltons wantonnes_, and yet for all that scap'd dancingin a hempen circle. He that hath gone through manie perils and returnedsafe from them, makes but a merriment to dilate them. I had the knotvnder my eare, there was faire playe, the hangman had one halter, andanother about my necke, which was fastned to the gallowes, the ridingdeuice was almost thrust home, and his foote on my shoulder to presseme downe, when I made my saint-like confession as you haue heard before,that such & such men at such an houre brake into the house, slew theZanie, tooke my curtizan, lockt me into my chamber, rauisht _Heraclide_,and finally how shee slew her selfe.

  Present at the execution was there a banisht English Earle, who hearingthat a countreyman of his was to suffer for such a notable murder, cameto heare his confession, and see if hee knew him. He had not heard metell halfe of that I haue recited, but hee craued audience, and desiredthe execution might be staid.

  Not two dayes since it is Gentlemen and noble _Romanes_ (said he) sincegoing to be let bloud in a barbars shop agaynst the infection, all ona suddaine in a great tumult and vproare was there brought in one_Bartoll_ an _Italian_ greeuously wounded and bloudie. I seeming tocommiserate his harmes, courteously questiond him with what ill debtershe had met, or how or by what casualtie he came to be so arraid. O quothhe long I haue liu'd sworne brothers in sensualitie with one _Esdras ofGranado_, fiue hundred rapes and murders haue wee committed betwixt vs.When our iniquities were growen to the height, and God had determined tocounterchecke our amitie, wee came to the house of _Iohannes de Imola_(whom this yong gentleman hath named) there did he iustifie al thoserapes in manner and forme as the prisoner here hath confest. But loean accident after, which neither he nor this audience is priuie too._Esdras of Granado_ not content to haue rauisht the matrone _Heraclide_and robd her, after he had betooke hym from thence to his heeles, lighton his companion _Bartol_ with his curtizan: whose pleasing face hee hadscarce winkingly glaunc'd on, but hee pickt a quarrell with _Bartoll_ tohaue her from him. On this quarrell they fought _Bartoll_ was woundedto the death, _Esdras_ fled, and the faire dame left to go whither shewould. This _Bartoll_ in the barbars shoppe freely acknowledged, asboth the barbar and his man, and other heere present can amply depose.Deposed they were, their oathes went for currant, I was quit byproclamation, to the banisht Earle I came to render thankes: when thushe examind me and schoold me.

  Countriman, tell mee what is the occasion of thy straying so farre outof _England_ to visit this strange Nation. If it bee languages, thoumaist learne them at home, nought but lasciuiousnes is to be learnedhere. Perhaps to be better accounted of than other of thy condition,thou ambitiously vndertakest this voyage: these insolent fancies are but_Icarus_ fethers, whose wanton wax melted against the sunne, will betraythee into a sea of confusion. The first traueller was _Cayn_, and heewas called a vagabond runnagate on the face of the earth. Trauaile likethe trauaile wherein smithes put wilde horses when they shoo them, isgood for nothing but to tame and bring men vnder. God had no greatercurse to lay vppon the _Israelites_, than by leading them out of theirowne countrey to liue as slaues in a strange land. That which was theircurse, we Englishmen count our chief blessednes; he is no body that hathnot traueld: wee had rather liue as slaues in another land, croutch andcap, and bee seruile to euerie iealous Italians and proude Spaniardshumor, where wee may neyther speake looke nor doo anie thing, but whatpleaseth them, than liue as freemen and Lords in our owne countrey. Hethat is a traueller must haue the backe of an asse to beare all, a tunglike the tayle of a dog to flatter all, the mouth of a hog to eate whatis set before him, the eare of a merchant to heare all and say nothing:and if this be not the highest step of thraldome, there is no libertieor freedome. It is but a milde kind of subiection to be the seruant ofone master at once, but when thou hast a thousand thousand masters,as the veriest botcher, tinker or cobler freeborne wil dominere ouer aforreiner, & think to bee his better or master in company: then shaltthou finde theres no such hell, as to leaue thy fathers house (thynatural habitation) to liue in the land of bondage. If thou doest butlend halfe a looke to a Romans or Italians wife, thy porredge shall beeprepared for thee, and cost thee nothing but thy life. Chance some ofthem breake a bitter iest on thee, and thou retortst it seuerly, orseemest discontented: goe to thy chamber, & prouide a great banquet,for thou shalt bee sure to bee visited with guests in a maske the nextnight, when in kindnes and courtship thy throate shalbe cut, and thedoers returne vndiscouered. Nothing so long of memorie as a dog,these Italians are old dogs, and will carrie an iniurie a whole agein memorie: I haue heard of a box on the eare that hath been reuengedthirtie yeare after. The Neopolitane carrieth the bloudiest wreakfullminde, and is the most secrete flearing murderer. Whereupon it is growneto a common prouerb, He giue him the Neapolitan shrug, when one meanesto play the villaine, and makes no boast of it.

  The onely precept that a traueller hath most vse of, and shall findemost ease in, is that of _Epicharchusy Vigila & memor sis ne quidcredos_; Beleeue nothing, trust no man: yet seeme thou as thouswallowedst all, suspectedst none, but wert easie to be gulled by eueryone. _Multi fallere docuerunt_ (as _Seneca_ saith) _dum timent falli_;Many by showing their iealous suspect of deceit, haue made men seek moresubtill meanes to deceiue them.

  Alas, our Englishmen are the plainest dealing soules that euer God putlife in: they are greedie of newes, and loue to be fed in their humorsand heare themselues flattered the best that may be. Euen as _Philemon_a Comick Poet dyde with extreame laughter at the conceit of seeing anAsse eate fygges: so haue the Italians no such sport, as to see pooreEnglish asses how soberly they swallow Spanish figges deuour any hookebaited for them. He is not fit to trauell, that cannot with the Candiansliue on serpents, make nourishing foode euen of poyson. Rats and miceengender by licking one another, he must licke, he must croutch, he mustcogge, lye and prate, that either in the Court or a forraine Countreywill engender and come to preferment. Bee his feature what it will,if he be faire spoken he winneth frends: _Nonformosus erat, sed eratfacundus Vlysses; Vlysses_ the long traueller was not amiable, buteloquent. Some alleadge, they trauell to learne wit, but I am of thisopinion, that as it is not possible for anie man to learne the Arte ofMemorie, whereof _Tully, Quintillian, Seneca, and Hermannus Buschius_haue written so manie bookes, except he haue a naturall memorie before:so is it not possible for anie man to attaine anie great wit by trauell,except he haue the grounds of it rooted in him before. That wit which isthereby to be perfected or made stayd, is nothing but _Experientia longamalorum_; The experience of manie euills: the experience that such aman lost his life by this folly, another by that: such a young Gallantconsumed his substance on such a Curtizan: these courses of reuenge aMerchant of _Venice_ tooke against a Merchant of _Ferrara_: and thispoynt of iustice was shewed by the Duke vppon the murtherer. What isheere but wee maye read in bookes and a great deale more too, withoutstirring our feete out of a warme studie.

  _Vobis alii ventorum prolia narrent,_ (saith Ouid) _Quasq; Scillainfestat, quasue Charybdis aquas_. Let others tell you wonders of thewinde, How _Scalla_ or _Charybdis_ is enclinde.

  --_vos quod quisque loquetur Credite_ --Beleeue you what they say, but neuer trie.

  So let others tell you straunge accidents, treasons, poysonings, closepackings in _Frounce, Spaine and Italy_: it is no harme for you toheare of them, but come not neere them. What is there in _Fraunce_ tobe learnd more than in _England_, but falshood in fellowship, perfectslouenrie, to loue no man but for my pleasure, to sweare _Ah par la mortDieu_ when a mans hammes are scabd. For the idle Traueller, (I meane notfor the Souldiour) I haue knowen some that haue continued there by thespace of halfe a dozen yeare, and when they come home, they haue hyda little weerish leane face vnder a broad French hat, kept a terriblecoyle with the dust in the streete in their long cloakes of gray paper,and spoke English strangely. Nought e
lse haue they profited by theirtrauell, saue learnt to distinguish of the true _Burdeaux_ Grape, andknowe a cup of neate _Gascoygne_ wine, from wine of _Orleance _: yea andperaduenture this also, to esteeme of the poxe as a pimple, to wearea veluet patch on their face, and walke melancholy with their armesfolded.

  From _Spaine_ what bringeth our Traueller? a scull cround hat of thefashion of an olde deepe poringer, a diminutiue Aldermans ruffe withshorte strings like the droppings of a mans nose, a close-bellied dubletcomming downe with a peake behinde as farre as the crupper, and cut offbefore by the breast-boane like a partlet or neckercher, a wyde payre ofgascoynes which vngatherd would make a couple of womens ryding kyrtles,huge hangers that haue halfe a Cowe hyde in them, a Rapyer that islineally descended from halfe a dozen Dukes at the least. Let his cloakebe as long or as short as you will: if long, it is fac'd with Turkeygrogeran raueld; if short, it hath a cape like a calues tung, and isnot