by A. T Brennan
She was sick of second guessing everything she said or did. She was tired of analyzing every little thing and trying to figure out if she’d done the right thing. She was done with being invisible, and she no longer wanted people to look through her.
Before she’d met Tyler she hadn’t cared that she was invisible. She’d actively strived to be that way, but now that she’d met him, had talked with him and shared with him she didn’t want to be that way anymore. She didn’t want to let fear rule her life, and she didn’t want to be alone.
“Kenzie?” he asked as she shifted slightly so she could look at him.
“Why did you react the way you did that morning?” she asked. “I know I said it was in the past, but it’s been bothering me.”
“Why do you think I did? I’m not playing games. I’ll tell you the truth. I just want to know what you think.”
“We’re off scale. I’m not blind and I’m not an idiot. I realize that you’re a ten and I’m barely a five, probably a four. I know the only reason we exist to each other is because we were in that robbery together, and the alcohol and the emotions that night facilitated what happened, it made us more open to each other. But when you looked at me like you were horrified, it was like you were disgusted. It was like you couldn’t believe that you’d slept with me. That you’d lowered yourself to my level and you wished it hadn’t happened.” She looked away and slid off his lap. She didn’t want to have this conversation while she was literally on top of him. “Then you apologized and backpedaled and it just made it worse.”
“I tried to tell you the truth that morning—”
“And I kept cutting you off, like I just did.” She sighed. “I was so hurt that I couldn’t hear whatever it was you had to say. I was such a mess that anything would have been hurtful and sound like a rejection to me. I couldn’t handle hearing you say that I was a mistake and we should just forget it.”
“You think I regret it?” he asked softly. “That I wanted to take it back?”
“Don’t you?”
“No.” He shook his head. “Not for a second.”
“But—”
“I wasn’t horrified about anything. I’m sorry if that’s how it came across, but I was shocked.” He rushed on before she could cut him off again. “I was shocked about how completely I’d trusted you the night before. I never talk to anyone, and I’d let out all of my demons and issues with you. It was the emotional fallout of what I’d said that shocked me. It had nothing to do with what we shared physically.”
“It wasn’t me you were reacting to?” she asked as her mind started spinning.
“No. I wasn’t shocked that we were in bed together, and it wasn’t the beer that made me want you. I wanted you, Kenzie. I was attracted to you and I wanted to be with you, and I was clear-headed when I made that choice. Maybe the emotions and beer, as you said, helped, and yes we probably never would have met if we weren’t there that night, but none of that changes the fact that I wanted you.”
She just stared at him, unable to believe his words could be true.
“I know you don’t think a lot of yourself, that you were abused and you’re self-conscious, but that morning had nothing to do with you. It was me.”
She bit her lip and let him continue.
“I never talk to anyone. Other than my sister I really don’t have anyone I can rely on, and I’d told you more in those few hours together then I’ve told anyone in years. I was horrified that I’d opened up to you like that, not that we had sex.”
“Really?”
“I swear.” He nodded and looked at her closely. “I handled things wrong, I know that. I shouldn’t have reacted at all. I should have tried harder to explain, and I never should have let you leave here so upset. That’s on me. That was me being a dick and letting my issues justify hurting you. I hate that I did that, and I hate myself for being that way, especially to you. I swear it had nothing to do with you. We had an incredible night and I fucked it up with my own issues the next day.”
“It was pretty incredible,” she said with a blush as she looked down at her hands for a second.
“Yes, you were,” he said with a grin and she looked up at him. “Have you had a lot of partners?”
She just looked at him, unsure of where this line of questioning was going.
“I just mean, after what you went through, have you been able to be with other men?”
“Yes,” she said honestly. “Before him I’d slept with one guy, at a party in college and it was a very sloppy, and disappointing one night stand.” She shrugged. She was embarrassed but she wasn’t going to lie. “Then him for five years and then two years of no one. I couldn’t even think of being with anyone and had no desire. I even considered women for a little bit,” she added shyly.
“Really?” He raised his eyebrow at her. “Ever act on it?”
“No.” She shook her head. “I like dudes, can’t change it.”
He laughed and she grinned.
“For the last few years I’ve been okay. I don’t get a lot of offers, but when I do I enjoy them. I really don’t get a lot of repeats, but what else can you expect from internet dating? It’s basically a way to meet people to hook up.”
“Online dating?” He shook his head. “Nope. Not for me.”
“For a shy wallflower who wants to get laid it’s really my only option,” she said, and was glad when he laughed. She was worried he would judge her and think she was a slut for openly admitting to sleeping with men and not expecting anything to come of it. There was a double standard and a lot of women were judged for being sexual beings and owning their sexuality, but he didn’t seem to care.
“I suppose.” He nodded, still chuckling.
“What about you?”
“I’m a little more typical. I’ve always had a lot of dates, a few relationships, and a lot of offers. Before my injury I never had trouble finding someone for the night or the week. Chicks dig a man in uniform.”
“That they do.” She laughed.
“After I was hurt I could still find women. Once they saw my leg it would either close their legs or start the pity, so it was hit or miss. Lots of chances, some experiences, but very few repeats.” He shrugged.
“I didn’t pity you.”
“I know.” He nodded. “You were the first woman outside of doctors, nurses or therapists who looked at it without reacting. Maybe it’s because you’re a nurse too, but you were also the first to ever touch it outside of a medical setting. You touched my scar and you were kind. That had never happened to me before.”
“I was telling you the truth,” she said softly. “Scars are just reminders of what we’ve survived.”
“I know.” He smiled at her. “I’d just never experienced that kind of reaction from a woman. It threw me.”
“I don’t play games,” she said honestly. “I don’t really know the rules so I couldn’t, but I wouldn’t. With me what you see is what you get. I’m pretty simple.”
“You’re anything but simple, Kenzie,” he said as he looked at her. “You’re extraordinary.”
Her breath just caught when she saw the look in his eyes. There was kindness there, but there was also passion and she almost didn’t believe it.
As Tyler looked at Kenzie he was nearly overcome with desire.
There was something inherently beautiful about her. Sitting in front of him wearing his baggy shirt and her tight yoga pants with her hair down and her face open and honest she should have looked plain and frumpy, but she was beautiful.
She wasn’t perfect and confident, and she wasn’t the type of woman who would normally turn his head, but she had so much more than those women did. She had spirit and drive and a good heart. She was caring and compassionate, and she was kind. She had a beautiful soul, even after everything she’d been through, and it radiated through her and it made her beautiful. She was the complete package, and her beauty went deeper than just her looks.
Gently he reached out w
ith his hand and threaded it in her hair under her ear.
“Tyler?” she asked as his gaze moved from her eyes to her lips and back again.
“You’re a beautiful woman, Kenzie,” he said honestly.
“Please don’t say things you don’t mean,” she almost begged him. “Please, don’t say it if it’s what you think I want to hear. Only say it if it’s true.”
“Right now you’re beautiful, Kenzie.” He looked into her eyes. “Do you believe me?”
“I want to.”
“Do you believe that I believe it? Do you?” he asked quietly when she didn’t answer him.
“Yes,” she almost breathed.
“Good.” He gave her a small grin and leaned forward.
This time he took his time as he kissed her. His kiss was slow and sensual and he let his other hand rest on her hip. He didn’t push for more, or for her to do anything. He just wanted to kiss her, and he wanted to enjoy it.
One thing Tyler didn’t like to admit to even himself was how much he enjoyed kissing. He loved the intimacy and the sensuality of it, and he loved to give into it and feel his partner give into him. Sometimes kissing someone deeply could be as satisfying as sex for him, and it had been a long time since he’d just given into someone.
Kissing was intimate. You could have sex without kissing but in order to really enjoy a kiss he had to trust the person he was with. He had to want to get lost in them, and he had to want to prolong the intimacy. Sex was about the physical release, but kissing was about the emotional connection. He hadn’t had that connection with anyone in so long he’d almost given up on ever finding it again.
Now he felt it with Kenzie and he needed to explore it, to remind himself what it felt like.
He slid his arm around her waist and pushed her back so she was laying on the couch. He tightened his grip around her waist and shifted her up on the cushions so she was against the far arm and lying flat before he lay over her, pressing her down into the couch as he gently ran his hands over her body, just teasing her as he kissed her.
She was heaven. Her soft skin under his hands, her warm and firm lips under his. Even her long hair against his arm was wonderful, and he loved the way her body cradled his as he held her close.
He might have always gone after women with tight and toned bodies, but at that moment her slightly soft frame felt perfect. His weakness on women was long hair. He loved to be able to run his fingers through it, feel it against his body, and he loved when it created a small curtain around him as his partner lay over him.
Kenzie had beautifully soft and long hair, and while blondes had never really been his preference, he loved the multi-dimensional tones in her dark-blonde locks.
He ran his fingers over her hair, groaning slightly as he felt the glossy, soft strands against his skin, and then ran his hand down her body so he could grip her hip again. The material of his shirt on her was soft, but it was her skin he wanted to feel against him.
After a long, long time he pulled away and looked down at her. They were both a little out of breath, and she looked as dazed as he felt. That had been incredible. He’d almost gotten lost in her, and as he looked down at her he realized that he was falling for her.
She wasn’t his type, but somehow she was perfect for him.
The realization hit him hard and he didn’t know what to do about it.
He wasn’t looking for a relationship, he kind of sucked at them, and he was barely in the market for a friend. He had so much crap in his life to deal with he didn’t have time for someone else’s crap, but with Kenzie he wanted to know about her. He wanted to talk to her, and he wanted to help her.
He wanted to open up to her and have her to open up to him. Physically they were compatible, but it was the emotional connection he really craved. He was physically attracted to her and sexually they worked well together, but it wasn’t just her body he wanted. He was falling in love with her because of who she was, and that scared him.
“Tyler?” she asked as she looked up at him.
“Nothing.” He shook his head and leaned down to give her a quick kiss. He’d already hurt her once by projecting his own issues onto her, he wasn’t about to do it again.
She opened her mouth to say something, but he just smiled at her and gave her another soft kiss.
When he pulled away she just smiled back at him as she lay beneath him.
“Kenzie,” he started as he looked down at her.
“Yes?” she asked when he paused.
“I want you,” he said, unable to tell her what he was really thinking. He wasn’t ready to be that vulnerable. Not yet.
She stared up at him, her eyes widening in shock.
“Do you want me?” he asked softly.
“Yes.” She nodded.
“Come on.” He gave her another smile and climbed off her. He didn’t want to have a quickie on the couch. He wanted to be with her properly.
He reached down and took her hand, helping her off the couch, and led her over to the bed. When they were at the bed he turned to face her.
“I want to be with you properly. I want you to feel cherished and wonderful, and I want you to want me,” he said as he pressed his body right up against hers and looked down at her.
She was barely breathing as she looked up at him.
“Will you let me?” he asked as he moved his lips so they were hovering so close to hers he could feel the heat coming off them.
“Yes,” she breathed, and he gave a small grin before he pressed his lips against hers.
This time the kiss was a little harder, and as his lips moved over hers his hands slipped under the bottom of her shirt. Her skin was warm and smooth under his hands, and he groaned softly as she pressed herself against him and wrapped her arms around his waist.
He’d been telling the truth when he said he wanted it to be about her, but it was nice that she was still participating and showing him how much she was enjoying him.
He pulled off her shirt, tossing it on the floor as he reached behind her to undo and pull off her bra. As soon as her torso was bare he took a half-step back and pulled off his own shirt. He smiled at her as he put his hands on her shoulders and slowly ran them down her body, over her chest, her breasts, her stomach, and to the waistband of her pants. He gently tugged the material down and pushed them so they puddled at her feet.
Kenzie took a shaking breath as she stepped out of her pants and looked at him. The desire and heat was still in her gaze, but as he looked her up and down he could see she was struggling with her confidence.
After a moment he took her hand and helped her lie down on the bed, shifting her up so she was more in the middle of the mattress.
He lay over her and kissed the side of her neck, just under her ear as he held himself over her. After a moment he trailed his lips down her body, kissing and nipping at her skin as he did. He paused at her breast so he could tease her nipple for a moment, and then continued to move down her body.
He kissed the scar on her pubic bone and settled between her legs, pulling them over his shoulders as he did. He glanced up and saw that she’d propped herself up on her elbows and was looking down at him in hopeful anticipation.
It was then he saw the scar she’d told him about, the one on her inner thigh, and he lowered his mouth to the scar and kissed it gently before moving his mouth up to her very center.
She cried out and fell back on the bed as soon as his tongue touched her clit.
He looked up the line of her body as he teased her, watching and listening to her reactions to make sure he was giving her the most pleasure possible. Her legs were shaking over his shoulders and one hand threaded in his hair. He could feel himself getting dangerously close to his own release, and she hadn’t even touched him yet.
Her reactions were so real and so pure, and he loved how she was able to let go and be in the moment with him.
He felt her muscles tightening and he knew she was getting close.
“Oh god!” she almost screamed as he slowed his pace. He wanted to drag things out a bit more and tease her longer. “Oh my god. More, please more!”
He grunted against her as she started rocking her hips against his mouth. All thoughts of going slow flew out of his mind. He wanted to watch her come, and he picked up his pace as he looked up at her.
“Oh god, oh god!” Her hand tugged at his hair as she pulled him closer to her. “Oh yes!” she screamed and he felt her entire body reacting as she writhed and cried out from the force of her orgasm.
“Oh my god.” She shook her head as he moved up on her body so he could kiss her. “Oh my god,” she repeated as she stared up at him.
He smiled down at her and gave her another sweet kiss.
“I want you,” she almost whimpered against his lips as he held himself over her and made no move to do anything more. “I want you inside me.”
Her words made something inside his chest flutter, and he pulled away and nodded as he moved to shove his pants down. He wanted her so badly it hurt, but hearing her tell him, seeing the lust and desire in her eyes, had made him want her even more.
As soon as his pants were off he paused as he looked down at her.
“Do you want me to use a condom?” he asked softly. “I’m clean.”
“I am too,” she said softly.
She couldn’t get pregnant so it wasn’t birth control she needed, it was protection. He was being honest with her. He’d had his yearly medical done just before he’d met her and there hadn’t been anyone other than her in that time. He would never risk her safety or health if he wasn’t completely sure. He wanted that extra intimacy with her. He didn’t want any barriers between them.
“No, don’t use one. I trust you.”
Her words hit him hard. She really did trust him, and that was new for him.
He kissed her and shifted slightly so he could push into her.
As soon as he was inside her she wrapped her legs around him as he started to move. His thrusts were long and hard, but the movements were steady. He wasn’t fucking her, he was making love to her.
