Beat of His Heart

by Nickie Nalley Seidler

  “At least you have a dress already, hope it still fits!”

  “I never thought I’d be so quick in finding a dress. Who would have thought?”

  “It was THE dress. It was hard not to buy it even though you just got engaged. Plus your mom was there, and it was perfect. I can’t wait to see you in it April 10th!” She jumped up off the couch and walked into the kitchen, grabbing her wine glass.

  “You're right, my mom was there. It was a perfect day for a perfect dress. Ah!”

  “Pour some wine girl, for yourself at least. I have to go home tonight so no drinking for me. Where is Brad already?” She glanced down at her phone, checking the time. It was 8:30 and no sign of food.

  “They probably got busy and he had to wait. That place is iffy when it comes to time. They say twenty minutes sometimes it’s thirty. I’ll text him in a minute. Let me get you some wine.”

  “No, really, I’m ok with just water tonight. If I drink one glass I’ll want two and so forth.” She giggled.

  I popped the top on of the bottles I had chilling in the fridge that I planned on drinking tonight anyway. I poured the Moscato into my glass. I filled her wine glass with some cold water. We were winos when we drank together. It was odd she was drinking but I got it, she had to be home tonight. Usually she’d be passed out on my couch. I grabbed my phone and saw nothing from Brad, so thought I’d start begging.

  Me: So, is that Chinese man getting his food from China? Because if so, we should have gone with pizza. Hurrrrrryyyy. Love you.

  No response.

  Thought that was somewhat strange. I passed the thought, he was on his way I’m sure and he doesn’t text and drive.

  “So, what’s this news? I’m really dying here.” I sat on the bar stool outside the kitchen island.

  “Well, I’ll just wait till Brad gets here.”

  “Are you kidding me?”

  “Yeah, I want you to both to hear it.”

  “I was your friend first. I think I have some sort of entitlement,” I punched back in our back in forth banter.

  “Well…I guess I can tell you.”

  As I was laughing at her with our back and forth banter, the doorbell rang. I quickly ran down to the door assuming Brad needed help with the food and stuff. I swung the door open and saw my neighbor Robert standing on the step in his police uniform.

  “Oh, hey, Rob. Thought you were Brad with our food.” I laughed. “What’s up? Did you need me to watch Hunter?” Hunter was his golden retriever that we’ve watched for him on the occasional family trip or when he knew he’d be away longer than Hunter could take going to the bathroom or needing attention from a human.

  “Amy, mind if I come in?”

  “Yeah, sure, we just ordered Chinese food, I’m sure Brad will share,” I teased, while I stepped back to let him in.

  “That’s real nice of you, but that’s not why I’m here.”

  “What’s up?” I smiled brightly. “Oh my God, you wouldn’t believe it, we settled on a date, we booked the venue tonight for April 10th!” I jumped up and down with excitement. I couldn’t help but blab the best night we had tonight.

  “Amy, Amy…” He grabbed my arm gently and stopped me from jumping, walked me over to the stairs and pushed me gently back, motioning me to sit. “Amy, there’s been an accident.”

  “What kind of accident? Oh my God, is Trisha ok?” Trisha was Robert’s wife.

  “Brad. Brad was on his way home, and a drunk driver hit him. He hit him hard, Amy’s he’s not good.” Sara jumped down the stairs in a millisecond to sit right next to me as we both stared at Robert without saying anything. In shock, my heart started to pound. It was going to pound out of my chest.

  “Ok, where is he? I’ll head out right now, Sara can drive me.”

  A tear fell from Robert’s eyes as he looked straight in mine. “Amy, I don’t know how to tell you this. But he’s gone, Amy. The crash was bad, and his head was struck pretty hard and they rushed him to the hospital where he was pronounced brain dead. I just came back to tell you. I was on call tonight. I’m so sorry, Amy. I’m so sorry.”

  I looked at him, in disbelief. I just saw him, he couldn’t be gone. I just texted him. I just fucking saw him. We just booked our wedding venue. I just kissed him. He couldn’t be gone. Brain dead? This wasn’t fucking happening. Sara wrapped her arms around me and anger set in.

  “No! No! Get the fuck out of my house. What are you doing to me? You’re lying to me! See, I’m going to go call him right now! He was bringing our Chinese home. You have the wrong fucking person, Robert! How dare you!” I spat as I turned to walk up the stairs as Robert quickly followed with Sara as I went to my phone sitting on the kitchen counter. I quickly dialed his number and I heard my favorite ring tone go off, in Robert’s pocket.

  “Amy…” He reached for me, holding Brad’s phone in his hand.

  This.was.not.happening. Wake me up.

  1 - CHAPTER One

  At 8:52pm, October 17th became the worst day of my life. Even saying that was an understatement really. I wasn’t sure a day could get worse, that there were any other ways of displaying such sadness. My heart beat out of my chest, my eyes were so sore from crying so much that I just wanted to sleep away the pain. But, instead, I had to identify his body. Brad’s parents had died about five years ago. His mother first of cancer and his father a month later. We called it a broken heart. They were married for thirty years and inseparable every day of their life. I felt like Brad was raised in such a loving home and atmosphere that was the reason he treated me like a princess. Because he saw his dad treat his mom like a queen. Again, reality struck. I was no longer smiling at the thought of his parents, tears were springing in my eyes at the thought of where I was walking into. It wasn’t easy being the next of kin. With his sister Olivia’s permission, she wanted me to be the one. She couldn’t see him like that. She didn’t want seeing him that way to be her last memory of him. Memory of him. Those I cherished so much, and now I was going to be the one to have that last memory of him. Lifeless. Dead. The fact I’d walk in and see his body very much alive, and warm, but knowing he wasn’t there mentally. Knowing he wouldn’t hear me. He wouldn’t feel my touch. He wouldn’t do anything but lie there lifeless.

  My knees shook, but I insisted on doing this alone. His sister was flying in and would be in at the end of the week. He was so close with his sister and I wasn’t sure how we were going to hold each other up. Being that Brad was an organ donor, and someone was in great need of a heart, I had to let him go so he could save someone else’s life. I had to be the one to end his life, even though it had already ended. Some worthless piece of shit decided he would drive after having a dozen fucking beers. A fucking dozen. Twelve. T.w.e.l.v.e. Let that sink in for a moment, I still couldn’t wrap my head around the number. Who would have let this man drive? This man was a murderer in my eyes, and he was going to get punished to the fullest extent of the law, and Robert would see to it. We all would. He took my fiancé away. He took my world away and flipped it upside down in a whirlwind of a fucking life.

  The smell of the hospital was strong. Sterilized everything and it just smelled like an open alcohol wipe or several. Making my way to the seventh floor in the elevator tears were uncontrollable at that point. I had never done anything like this in my life, and I wasn’t thrilled I had to be the one to do this.

  The pain in my heart was so fierce that it made it hard to breathe as I stepped out of the elevator. Seeing room two in the distance, I knew that was where he was. My entire life was lying in that room, waiting for me to end him; to send him off to surgery. To shut his body down. How does one cope with that? How does anyone do this? I crept around the window and saw him. I lost it.

  My knees buckled and I collapsed to the floor. He looked bad. He was severely bruised, but made to look comfortable. Wraps all around his head, probably were made to hide the wounds from me. How could he be comfortable? My chest hurt. The nurse saw me in the hallway and gr
avitated towards me, sinking down to the floor with me.

  “Are you Amy?”

  I nodded.

  “I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you. But we’ve made him comfortable. We can give you some time if you need.”

  Some time if I needed? I needed my life with him. I needed all the time in the world, but I wasn’t naive enough to believe I had that time. She hugged me before helping me off the ground to move me closer in the room. She was gentle, and she was sweet, but right now, I just needed to be alone with him. The nurse sensed that and walked away peacefully.

  I stared at Brad, unable to see clearly through my blurry vision from crying. The tears were coming and I wasn’t even aware at this moment. My hand lingered on his, where I squeezed it and held it tight. I leaned over and kissed his cheek. He was so warm. It was almost like he was really there. Which was going to make this ten times harder.

  “Hey, baby. I don’t know if you can hear me and I’m probably crazy for talking to you like this, but if you are really there, just show me. Show me you’re there.” I wept like a baby.

  It was silent. The only thing you heard was the machine forcing his chest to rise up and then down. As it repeated over and over again, it was clear how lifeless he really was.

  “I don’t want to do this, Brad. We had a life together, a perfect fucking life. You were my fiancé. You were my everything.” I choked from crying so hard. “I love you so fucking much, baby. So much. And I know I told you that just this morning. Well, yesterday now, as it’s midnight.” I laughed. “We just booked our wedding venue, baby. How could this be happening? Wake up. This isn’t real.” I started to become angry. Everything was settling in and I wasn’t liking it at all.

  “Wake up! Just wake up, Brad!” I screamed. The nurse came back in and just hugged me. I pushed away. “Just tell him to wake up!” I screamed at Brad. His eyes so still and shut where I couldn’t even look in those beautiful brown eyes. His lips so sewn shut where I couldn’t see that bright smile.

  “I’m so sorry, Amy. He’s gone. He’s gone,” the nurse whispered.

  I fell into her arms. I didn’t even know her name, but I collapsed as if she were my mother and I clung to her. I sobbed into her shoulder as I let out all my feeling. Shortly thereafter, I became numb. The nurse let me go and gave me my space again. I was so grateful that she was there. As much as I wanted to do this alone, I craved for someone to be here with me. But the person I was really craving was Brad.

  I slid into the bed next to him. I wanted to feel being next to him one last time. Feel how my body perfectly fit like a puzzle piece next to my fiancé. I just held him. I held him so tight, wishing I could have him squeeze me back. “I love you, Bradley James, I love you forever. I will never forget you as long as I live. Just look after me, Brad, I will need you more than ever. I love you. I love you.” I kissed his cheek and then slightly placed my lips on his. Giving him one last kiss.

  The nurse walked in with the doctor with a clipboard. As if on cue, they were ready, but I never was. I would never be ready for this. I signed the papers blindly. I knew what they were. I knew what it must say. I knew he was going to help someone else live, and that tiny bit of positive gave me one smile. Only because it was what Brad wanted. But everything else was numb.

  “It’s time, Amy.” The nurse nodded as they went to his side to get him mobile and off to surgery. As I squeezed his hand, it was as if I were watching his last breath. Tears sprang from my eyes and I let him go.

  My world was changed forever.

  “We’re so sorry for your loss, Amy.”

  ****

  I hadn’t left my couch. I was weak. I wasn’t eating, I wasn’t doing much of anything. Sara stayed with me, but I wasn’t even speaking. Today, Olivia was coming. My world was numb, but it was about to get a million times worse. Brad was cremated and we were picking up his ashes today. I wasn’t sure how to go on with life without Brad. It had been a few days and it felt just like it did that night Robert came over.

  Flowers lined our entire townhouse and cards flew in the mail in stacks. My phone was off, because I was getting voicemails left and right. Text messages that I wasn’t reading. I wasn’t ready for any of this. I wasn’t ready to face anyone. I didn’t want to live if Brad wasn’t here.

  My doorbell rang. I glanced at the door as Sara ran down to get it. I assumed it was more flowers as they were never ending. As she swung open the door, I saw my mother.

  The second her eyes met mine, she lost it. Sara embraced her before she came running to me. She laid next to me on the couch, coat on and everything and just held me and we cried. It was exactly who I needed right then, and it hurt even more seeing my mother cry.

  “It’s ok, baby, Mom’s here. It’s ok.” She Ssh’d me as we rocked on the couch together.

  “I didn’t know you were coming,” I finally broke through the tears.

  “I couldn’t not come. I knew you needed me.”

  I wiped away my tears as I stared into my lovely mom’s face. “Thank you, Mom.” I didn’t smile, I wasn’t able to.

  Life was seriously fucked up. Life stopped for me full force. Maria was amazing and spoke with Sara, she was handling everything on her own. Sara occasionally stopped in for me to make sure everything was ok. Sara helped me out a lot in the beginning and knew how things were run at work. I was grateful for them both. She uprooted her life for me, leaving her husband at home while she waited on me hand and foot. No questions asked, she was there whether I wanted her to be or not. Robert and his wife came by several times to check on me. I wasn’t much company as I wasn’t speaking to anyone. I couldn’t. Speaking to my mother was the first I’d spoken in days.

  After my mother settled in and put her bags in our spare room, she sat on the couch with me. Even in silence, I appreciated her being there. It gave Sara a break and she headed home for the first time in three days. I hadn’t showered or moved from this couch since I made it back home from the hospital.

  Olivia arranged the cremation and set up a memorial all while being in New York. I just couldn’t do it. I was so thankful she took that in her own hands. I wasn’t sure how I was going to act when I saw her today.

  “Let me feed you, you need to eat, Amy.” My mother went into the kitchen and searched the cabinets. “I’ll make us some pancakes and eggs. Now come sit up here with your mother while I cook.”

  “Mom, I just want to be here right now.”

  “Amy, you can’t do this forever. Please, come sit up here so we can talk.”

  I dragged myself to the kitchen and sat at the island.

  “There’s my baby girl.” My mother smiled.

  I envied how beautiful she was. Her thick brown hair was shoulder length and curled just perfectly to show her layers and her flawless no makeup skin; she glowed. I was lucky enough to get my mother’s blue eyes. She was slender and fit and did yoga quite often from what I remember her telling me on the phone. From the way she looked, it was like she’d done yoga hours a day. She was stunning to be in her fifties.

  “How is Dad?”

  “Oh, he’s good, baby, he wished he could come, but work had him tied up.”

  I nodded. I sure missed my daddy. But he ran a busy company.

  “Amy, I know this is soon. But I want you to consider moving to Florida. Let us take care of you for a while. Get a fresh start, honey.”

  I shook my head. “No, Mom, I have my store, and…” I crashed my hand to my face, not even able to think. She had a point, Brad was all I had here, other than Sara. “I can’t.”

  “You’ll think about it?” she questioned as she flipped the pancakes on the stove.

  “Yeah,” I agreed. But I knew my decision.

  We sat around after she forced me to eat. We didn’t talk much because I just didn’t have it in me. I knew that I’d have to force myself together tomorrow for the memorial service. I just wasn’t sure how I was going to do that.

  The doorbell rang again and my
mother answered. It was Olivia.

  “Olivia,” I sighed. “I’m so glad you’re here.” I walked over to her and hugged her tightly as she began to cry silently into my shoulder.

  “I can smell him here.” She sniffed.

  “I know. Please, come in.”

  “I booked a room at the Sheridan, I just wanted to stop by and go over things for tomorrow. Plus, we need to pick up his ashes.”

  She was rushing with me. I knew she must be hurt, and dying a little on the inside without trying to show it. But she couldn’t fool me, because I felt just the same way.

  I went with the flow. She drove me and my mother to the funeral home to pick up the ashes. A lot of crying happened. But no words were spoken. We were all so in shock and numb to the whole thing. Over the last couple days I had attempted to write on paper what I’d say at his memorial but I never got past the first sentence. I wasn’t sure any words could put him to rest. He would always be so fresh in my mind. I couldn’t let my mind not think about him.

  It sucks when you’re with your soulmate, because you know nobody will ever compare to them for the rest of your life. Nobody would ever be able to replace Brad. They wouldn’t come close because he was my everything.

  ****

  The memorial happened. It was really beautiful, as beautiful as it could be to mourn. To mourn the loss of my best friend, my soulmate, my fiancé, my only. The beautiful part they call it was when you celebrated their life. Why would anyone want to celebrate Brad’s life? I’d give anything for him to be here to be able to live that life with me, not celebrate what he couldn’t get back. I’d have to deal with so much now that he was gone. All by myself, when I haven’t had time to even process that. I’ve had people here and up my ass making sure I was okay, and as much as I appreciated that, I haven’t had time. I had to figure out finances, I had to figure out my job, my company, my whole life was seriously shattered.