Beat of His Heart

by Nickie Nalley Seidler

  “Wow, that was fast. Um, I’ll take a vodka tonic.”

  “Jack and Coke, please.” He ordered.

  “She looks like she’s new.” Starting awkward conversation as I glanced at Shelly with her tongue down Kent’s throat.

  “Nah, Kent and I frequent, she’s been here awhile.”

  That was a huge red flag to me. He was obviously a player if he came to the club that fucking much to know the waitresses or staff.

  “I see. That must be some fun you two have.”

  “More or less, Kent stopped coming after he met Shelly. You know, the pussy in him.”

  I looked at him and looked back over to Kent, not seeing pussy written anywhere over his drooling mouth plastered to Shelly.

  “Pussy is a funny word to use. They’re cute together.” I was starting to feel uncomfortable with Noah. He frequented the club, and was making fun of Kent for backing down from frequenting. I wasn’t sure he was the type of hotness I was looking for. Then again, I remembered the conversation I had with Sara and her just telling me I had to have fun and just let loose to enjoy myself. Part of me wanted to, because Noah was fucking hot, and the other part of me was dying to go back home.

  Our drinks came and I quickly downed it. If I was going to enjoy this night, I was going to need more alcohol. I flagged the waitress and ordered myself two more. Feeling the burn down my throat made me fizzy inside. Yup, that was what I needed.

  “You know what, Noah, I think I want to dance.” I stood up and straightened my skirt. “Care to join me?”

  “Absolutely.” He stood up with me and took my hand as we walked over to the dance floor.

  I had absolutely no idea what the fuck I was doing. I felt dirty, but I felt good. Real good.

  His hands slid over my body as our bodies entwined and swayed with the beat of the music. I was shocked how ok I felt when his hand rubbed over my ass, sliding up and down to my back. I blamed it on the alcohol, and went with it. As we danced, I kept drinking. I didn’t remember how much I drank, but I knew I drank more than I could handle. The room started spinning.

  “Whoa, whoa, whoa, Amy, maybe we should settle down on the drinks.” He wrapped his arm around my waist and carried me slightly, more like drifting me over to the table and sat me down on a bar stool.

  “Oh, I’m fine, I’m just getting started.” I swayed with a drink in my hand. I felt woozy and lightheaded. Apparently, this wasn’t going as planned because I’m not sure I’m going to last much more tonight. Or maybe that was my secret plan. Get drunk fast so I could home quicker.

  “Amy…” He pulled me upright.

  And three, two, one…I was out.

  ****

  The next few hours were a blur. That was until my eyes could come into focus and I had to blink a couple of times to make out the clock that was right next to me. It read seven am. My eyes readjusted and I read the clock again. Apparently, a few hours was much more than a few hours. I glanced at my surroundings and I was at home. I was oddly in my bed wearing a huge white t shirt, which looked like it was from my own closet. I then lay my head back on the pillow and took in what the fuck happened last night. That was when I saw him, standing by the window that overlooked the ocean. What the hell?

  “How did you know where I lived?” I looked at him, again trying to focus with my hangover blurry vision and one hell of a massive headache.

  “Your license told me. Plus, Shelly.” He walked back over to the bed and sat. “How are you feeling?”

  “Did you sleep? How bad was I?” I assumed I slept with Noah, because he was really into feeling me up last I remembered last night. If this was any other typical man, he’d have slept with me.

  “I did sleep, I woke up about an hour ago. Don’t worry, I slept on the couch.” He smiled wide. “But please, let me go grab you some breakfast.”

  I yawned and shuffled under the blankets until I was legs out hanging over the bed. I was trying to squint my eyes as I sat there while the spinning stopped. That was when I realized what I was actually wearing.

  “Did you dress me in this? Why did you put this on me?” I glared daggers at him. First, he saw me naked, and the only fucking thing that mattered more than that was the fact I was wearing Brad’s shirt.

  “I just grabbed the biggest shirt I could find, to make you comfortable.”

  “Well, you grabbed the wrong fucking shirt. I really need you to leave.”

  My mind spiraled out of control to the point I was really hurting now. I thought about Brad and how I remembered this shirt a lot. I could smell him now. I never washed this shirt as it was the last one he wore the night before he passed. I needed to get out of it right away. I didn’t want the smell to leave and the way I was smelling from this drunken hangover and breath of vomit, I was going to ruin this shirt. I was going to ruin my memory.

  “I was only trying to help you, Amy. Let me get you some breakfast, I know how bad you must be feeling. And really, nothing happened, I slept on the couch.” He reassured me how much of a gentlemen he thought he was by sleeping on the couch. But he still saw me naked, and he put the very wrong shirt on me.

  “Please, just get out. I can’t do this. I’m sorry.”

  Noah looked at me with a crooked eyebrow before his head dropped and he walked right out.

  It wasn’t the day, time, or anything, I knew myself, and I wasn’t ready. This proved it to me. This was the first real memory that appeared to me after so long that hit me hard.

  I curled up under the covers as I took off the shirt. I was bare, in nothing but panties now as I just hugged the shirt close to me inhaling the scent. How much I had wished Brad was there. How I wished he would just appear and cuddle me close in the bed right now and life would be back to normal. Life would be better. Your memories of people fade after time, and this shirt was going to keep my memories of his smell around. As long as I could get it. Tears started to flow from my eyes. I closed my eyes and put myself back to sleep. Fuck Noah.

  After waking up a couple hours later, my eyes were crusted shut from the dried tears. I crawled out of bed and made it to the bathroom, running the shower. I had to get myself better. I needed the extra sleep. Once I stepped into the shower, and let the water pour over me, I had come to the realization that Noah wasn’t a dick.

  Holy fuck, I really fucked this up. I knew I wasn’t ready, but he was actually super nice. He had no idea whose shirt that was and what it meant to me. He didn’t know anything. I felt like a complete and utter bitch. I didn’t have his number, I didn’t have any way of contacting him, without of course going through Shelly. Which I didn’t want to call her and ask her for that information as she’d read way too much into it. Then I’d never hear the end of it. But I needed to at least apologize. I sat on my built in shower bench and pondered what to do. I wasn’t calling Shelly about this, but for some reason I had a feeling I was still going to get shit for last night regardless. Noah mentioned that she helped with getting me home.

  I would just make a point to nonchalantly stop by the firehouse Kent was at, since I knew Noah worked with him. My plan was perfect.

  4 - CHAPTER four

  Work dragged very slowly. I actually got a call from my mother and Olivia too. I hadn’t heard from either in a really long time, so I had to give them a call back tonight. The thing with family was, it didn’t matter how long you didn’t talk, and you could always catch up as if no time had passed. I guess that went for best friends too. That’s exactly how Sara and I were. Which made me giddy knowing Sara would be there in a couple weeks. I’m sure she would be texting or calling me soon about that and getting the details of this club meet up she knew about. She’d probably get pissed knowing that I sent the dude home too.

  Where was I going right now? Something in my gut pinged and sent nervous signals throughout my body. I was actually sweating. I had to pull it together if I wanted to apologize to this dude. He was beautiful, and very much a gentleman for making sure I got home that night, and ac
tually staying to make sure I was okay. Not many men would do that. Especially, not sleep with me.

  The fire station was quiet when I pulled up to the parking lot. I got out and straightened my pencil skirt and flattened out my white button up blouse. I fluffed my hair even though I didn’t know why I was doing any of this. Oh wait, I was nervous. Really fucking nervous.

  I walked towards the open garage door and saw a bunch of men sitting at a table playing cards. First my eyes met Kent, and surely Noah was right next to him. Once his eyes landed on mine, they didn’t veer away. He stood up right away and cleared his throat as he flew over to me.

  “Amy, what are you doing here?” He smiled as he walked towards me, holding out his arms to hug me.

  He must think I’m a damn fool for showing up there at his work. Hell, he might even have thought I was crazy.

  “Do you have a second to talk?” I hugged him lightly.

  “Of course, this way.” I followed him into the firehouse as he walked into a small room and closed the door. It looked like a meeting room with a bunch of places to sit. It was secluded and very quiet. My nerves were just kicking in all the more. What was it about this dude?

  “I just really wanted to apologize to you. I was a huge bitch the other day and you didn’t deserve that.” My eyes tried to stay focused on him, but his eyes kept roaming over my body, making it that much more nerve wracking.

  “No need to apologize. I over stepped by staying.”

  I quickly reached for his arm, squeezing it. “NO!” I shouted. Then realized how loud that had come out. “No, I mean. You didn’t over step. You did nothing wrong. See, it’s just been a long time since I’ve had a man in my condo, let alone staying the night, and taking care of me.”

  His eyes stared into mine and I wanted to leap into his arms all of a sudden. It was as if his eyes were sparkling just like Shelly had said about Kent’s. I got what that meant now. “Maybe I could make it up to you. Let me take you for dinner sometime?” What in the world was I doing? What the fuck was I even saying? Dinner? I must have been dropped on my head that night for me to have these sort of feelings. Shy of being nervous, I was practically dry humping in my thoughts.

  “I’d love to do dinner.”

  I smiled. “Ok, then.” We stared at each other for a few minutes before I snapped back to reality. “Oh, um, here’s my number.” I handed him my business card.

  “Great. I’ll call you later and we can set up a date.”

  ‘A date’ ran through my head like it was dirty. Like I was doing something I wasn’t supposed to be doing. Then Sara’s voice popped into my head and I realized that she was right. I had to move on someday.

  “See you later, Noah.”

  “I’ll walk you out,” he suggested as he placed his hand on the small of my back and led me out the door and back outside towards the parking lot. I glanced at Kent and smiled as I passed him. I knew for damn sure I’d be getting a whole lot of shit about this.

  I got in my car and took off towards home. So very much was running rampant on my mind. A date with Noah? Then Brad was all the way back in my mind too. Nerves made everything confusing. It was like you were on a date with yourself. You had to read your own clues and signals and so far my signals were all over the damn place. First I felt it was way too soon for me to move on, and the other part of me was begging to be loved. I was sick of being lonely. But I was hurt moving on from the only love I ever had. The only love that made my heart skip a beat more times than not. Love was truly beautiful. Would anyone even come close to the love I had? It wasn’t like a break up kind of love, this love never ended, so it was going to be hard for any man to equal up to what I had. I knew that comparing was not right, but I had to have some level of love that made me feel the same. Or did I not want it to be the same? This was the hardest thing on my heart right now.

  I wasn’t even sure Noah would even want to continue with me once he heard about what I had, and how much I have to have the same to feel whole again. Maybe it was more than he could offer. Then again, maybe it was something he could offer and more. I was reading into things way too fucking much. My overthinking abilities were at an all-time high.

  My home was where I was comfortable. Jasmine greeted me at the door and I snuggled up on the couch with her before my phone went off.

  “Hey, Mom, sorry, I didn’t get a chance to call you back,” I answered. I knew she might be upset.

  “Oh, here I thought you forgot about your old Mom.” She sighed.

  “Just busy, that’s all. I’m home now; what’s up?”

  I kicked back and stretched my legs out before pulling them underneath me while I sat cross legged with Jasmine in my lap.

  “Oh, nothing much. Just putting up with your father.” She giggled. “How are you, honey?”

  “Good, Mom. I might even have a date, as crazy as that sounds.”

  “A date?” she shrieked. “Oh my God, Amy! That’s wonderful! Tell me all about him.”

  “How about I tell you after how it went? I’m not sure I know much about him yet. He’s one of Shelly’s boyfriend’s friends.” I thought back to seeing him at the firehouse in his element.

  I’d love to get to know that aspect of his life. Hear some stories, and dig into his head some.

  “I hope he works out, honey. Nothing but the best for my baby girl, remember that.”

  “I know, Mom. Do you think it’s too soon?”

  “Nobody can tell you what too soon is, baby. You’ll feel it in your heart if you’re ready. But you also can’t live the rest of your life in fear. Or not happy either.”

  “Thanks, Mom.” I sighed. I really appreciated her advice. I wanted to believe I was ready, but I still had strings pulling me backwards.

  After a short conversation, we hung up. Everything in my life was going great. My job was great, my condo was home, and I finally felt like I was happy. Things were making me laugh, I was going out, I had friends, and now I had a guy interested in me. What scared me most, was that I was sort of, a teeny tiny bit interested in him.

  I went through and cleaned my home from top to bottom and threw in some laundry. I poured myself a glass of wine and sat back on the couch and just watched the ocean out in front of me. I played through my phone and thought about Noah. I scrolled through my contacts and pressed the button under Noah’s name, which he entered in my phone.

  “Hello?”

  “Hey…”I paused. “It’s Amy.”

  “Oh, hey, Amy!” He sounded a bit confused.

  “I’m sorry, is this a bad time?” I ducked my head and scrunched down on the couch, nerves settling in.

  “No, not at all.” I heard some shuffling around before I heard silence on the other end.

  “Ok, I was just wondering, if uh, you’d want to have dinner tonight?”

  “I’d love to. I just got off work, give me like an hour?”

  “Ok, how about we meet at Café Blue?”

  “How about I pick you up?”

  The nerves sunk a little deeper. Was that how a date worked? It had been so long that I’d forgotten how this whole dating thing went. Wouldn’t lie that it made me slightly nervous to have a man pick me up and take me somewhere. If shit hit the fan somehow, I was stuck with him to drive me home regardless.

  “Okay. See you in an hour.”

  I didn’t panic, but I was running through my thoughts on things I’ve heard lately about dating. If this was a date, or just a friendly dinner, I was going with date. I remembered watching Steve Harvey one day and all his shows, well, a lot of them consist of dating advice. Which I didn’t know why it made me want to watch it more. One of the tips I remembered him giving was that when you went on a date to just wear a damn dress. Even though it was the twenty first century, we had to still impress our date. Not in these sleazy outfits and such, but a nice dress. I knew exactly which one I’d wear. I had put aside this black spaghetti strap dress awhile back to wear to something special. I thought it would have b
een a work function, but this was fitting. After brushing my teeth, I hurried over to the closet to grab it out. Running my hand along the edge of the dress, eyeing it from top to bottom, it just reiterated the fact I wanted to wear it even more. It was a stunning dress. I slipped it on and it fit like a glove. It was very form fitting to my somewhat slim body. I wouldn’t say fully slim as I had some weight I wanted to lose.

  I looked over my make-up and picked out a neutral tone to do my eyes and powdered my face before adding some mascara to top it off. Twisting my hair in back, I rolled it into a bun and clipped it, leaving out some stragglers around my face. I skimmed my dress with my hands, taking in myself before grabbing my clutch. I felt comfortable, and I felt alive. I wanted this night to go well. I at least had to explain my apology. Noah seemed like a nice enough guy to date. I was trusting Shelly’s advice.

  The doorbell rang just a short time later. I kissed Jasmine goodbye as she was perched up on the couch and opened the door.

  “Wow, you look beautiful.” His eyes wandered over me taking me in from top to bottom, spending a little extra time on my boobs. Ha, I knew this showed a little too much cleavage. Ah, well.

  “Thank you.” I smiled shyly. I was never good with compliments. They made me feel a little awkward. “You look great yourself.”

  It was my time to eye him up and down as I noticed his burgundy button up shirt with a white t-shirt underneath, matched with a dark pair of form fitted jeans. His hair was pulled back in a slight ponytail down the middle and clean shaven. He looked like pure sex. I basically choked on my own thought clearing my throat.

  “Ready to go?”

  I closed the door behind me and locked it before turning on my heel, almost falling in the pair of heels I had on.

  “You ok?” He laughed as he grabbed my arm to steady me.

  “Been awhile since I’ve been in heels,” I joked. “Well, at least these tall ones.”

  He held out his arm and I grabbed it as we headed towards the elevator to bring us downstairs and to his car.