Past Betrayals, Past Loves

by Walters, Janet Lane;

  “Tell your father of your feelings.”

  “Not until I know how deeply Wu Ping cares for me.”

  Chu Hua nodded. “A wise thought. Confusing the hunger of the body for one of the heart can happen.”

  “How can one be sure?”

  “When I first looked on your brother, I admired his face and his form. When we touched, was like flames seared my body. We looked into each other’s eyes and I knew I wanted him to give me children and to spend the rest of my life seeing to his needs.”

  “I will think on what you have said.”

  “You must speak to Wu Ping.” Chu Hua patted Xing-Xing’s arm. “If your father agrees, you and Wu Ping can live here and I won’t lose the friend I’ve just made.”

  Xing-Xing touched her friend’s hand. “I also feel we have known each other in another life.”

  “Maybe we have.”

  After the flowers had been arranged, Xing-Xing helped serve the evening meal. She sat at the table and kept her gaze on the bowl. To look at Wu Ping would betray her feelings. When the meal ended, she followed the women and went to her room. There, she stripped and washed her body. Though she wanted to don one of her elaborate robes, she dare not be caught in her finery. Once dressed, she sat on her sleeping mat and waited for the household to settle for the night.

  The moon showed a pale crescent. She scurried through the garden to the tutor’s house. She slipped inside and made her way to his sleeping room. Wu Ping lay on his mat. For a moment she studied his face. His tousled hair called for smoothing. In sleep, he looked young. Her gaze slid from his face to his chest. One hand covered her mouth. He slept nude. Curiosity pulled her attention from his chest to his belly and below. His jade stem was nothing like the ones she’d seen on her younger brothers when she’d helped with their care. His was longer and thicker but it didn’t look hard.

  “Who?”

  The harsh whisper made her jump. She took in a deep breath. “Xing-Xing, I would gaze on your face and caress you with my eyes.” Her mouth gaped. His jade stem grew larger. Would such a bit thing fit into her lotus? Her body felt warm and she wanted to strip off her clothes so the night air could cool her heated flesh.

  Wu Ping rose. “Why have you come?”

  “You have stirred me in ways I don’t understand. I wish to know if what I feel is love of the body or the heart.”

  He smiled. “Without a meeting of out bodies there can be no heart meeting. Star of my night, shine for me alone.” He touched her lips with his fingers.

  She lowered her gaze. One finger touched his swollen member. “It’s hot, hard yet soft. A jade stem but alive. Will you pierce my lotus and bring gentle rain?”

  He placed his hands on her shoulders. He touched his nose to hers. “I will do all those things and the rain will be a torrent. First I must prepare you for what is to come.” He held her close and stroked her back. “Do not fear.” His mouth closed over hers.

  The sensations the kiss had raised the day of his arrival returned. She pressed closer.

  He stepped back. As he unfastened her tunic, he pushed the cloth from her shoulders. The tunic fell to the floor. She wanted to cover her breasts but his eyes darkened and held her still. He caressed her shoulders and ran his hands over her breasts. The nipples darkened.

  “Wu Ping, I feel hot…different.”

  “I know. Your body is crying for mine.” He untied her trousers and ran his hand over her abdomen.

  She threw her arms around him. Fear and excitement clashed. His jade step touched her and she gasped. He led her to the sleeping mat. She turned. “What should I do?”

  “Lie down and I will show you.”

  “Can I touch you?”

  He lay beside her. “I would like that.”

  She rose to her knees. With her hands she explored his face. When he sucked one of her fingers, her lotus pulsed. She ran her hands over the smooth skin of his chest and touched his nipples. They tightened the way hers had. Her explorations continued. His abdomen was flat. She touched the tip of his jade stem. A drop of fluid wet her finger. She placed her hand around the shaft.

  He groaned. “My body is prepared but yours isn’t.” He pushed her back and cupped her breasts. “I prepare the garden for the rain.”

  When his mouth touched one of her breasts she sighed. She placed her hands against the mat. She wanted to move, to cry.

  When his hands reached her abdomen he nudged her legs apart. He stroked her lotus and she moaned. Then he touched a place that sent heat through her body. “What do you do?”

  “This is your pearl, your hidden treasure.”

  He continued to stroke the spot. Soft moans poured from her depths. She moved restlessly. “Wu Ping, Wu Ping.”

  He spread his hands beneath her hips and lifted them slightly. “Look at me.” She opened her eyes. “Your lotus gathers dew to welcome me.”

  She felt a stretching. As he slid into her, her lotus blossomed. He moved his jade stem in and out. She pressed her feet against the mat and strained to reach a summit. Her body burned. She felt ready to shatter. He thrust harder.

  He growled. “My star, seek the heavenly palace with me.”

  Within her heat roared. She pressed her hands against her mouth. Surely she would scream for the pleasure was exquisite. He thrust again and again. Her louts convulsed and tightened. As she cried his name, she felt the rain, not gentle but like a violent storm.

  He collapsed atop her and was still for a time. Then he rolled on his side and embraced her.

  “We Ping, you have captured my heart.”

  He traced her lips with a finger. “As you have mine.”

  “I would be with you forever.”

  “You can’t stay.”

  “I will speak to my father. I will tell him I love you and want you for my husband.”

  He silenced her with a kiss. “When the time is right, I will speak to him.” He rose and pulled her to her feet. “You must dress and return to the house.”

  * * *

  After Xing-Xing left, Wu Ping cleansed the blood of her maidenhood from his jade stem. What had he done? He should have sent her away but the words of dismissal had frozen on his tongue. He’d needed her and he wasn’t sure why. How could he place love above the desire to change his world? If Huang Yu agreed to a marriage, life would be different.

  Wu Ping groaned. A place in the merchant’s house would be found for the husband of an only daughter. A place for this man who had little more than the clothes on his back and a dream. Could he give away his desire to spread the ways of his mentor into the hands of other men?

  He should leave but having once tasted Xing-Xing’s sweetness, he couldn’t go and leave her behind. Where would they go if her father said no? He had no house or land. Was there a place where the merchant couldn’t pursue them? He couldn’t allow Xing-Xing to become a beggar and be prey to any man who would seize her.

  When morning came, he hadn’t made a decision. That night and every night until the moon was once more a rising sliver Xing-Xing came. He hadn’t found the courage to face her father. Every day, he watched Huang Hsia’s glares and Ah Lam’s sly glances. He felt certain the pair plotted. Did they work together or separately?

  * * *

  Xing-Xing yawned and wished she could return to sleep. Lately exhaustion had settled on her at odd times. The tension inside her, the nights with Wu Ping the waiting for him to speak to her father had enervated her.

  “Come, Daughter. Dress. Your father desires your presence.” Xing-Xing’s mother shook her shoulder.

  Xing-Xing washed her face. Her stomach felt unsettled. She swallowed a rush of fluid that threatened to spill out. Last nigh a messenger had arrived with several chests and spoken to her father. Though the women had chattered and speculated, not even her mother knew what the message had contained.

  Once dressed, she followed her mother to where her father waited. Xing-Xing bowed. “Honorable Father, why have you called this lowly girl into you
r esteemed presence?”

  “To tell you of the great honor bestowed on this house. Our magnificent emperor has offered a marriage between his exalted house and our humble one. You will be the first wife of his youngest son. The young man was taken by the drawing the artist made of you and impressed by the poems you wrote. He will honor this house with his presence and arrive at the end of this lunar. The messenger brought gifts for you. My sweet and obedient daughter, you have brought great honor to the house of Huang.”

  Xing-Xing’s legs trembled. Nausea assaulted her. What could she do? She had to tell Wu Ping. They had to find a way to be together. “I am unworthy of this honor.” She nearly choked on the words.

  Her father laughed. “Go, my dutiful daughter. See what value he has placed on you.”

  Servants carried a pair of chests, one large and one small, to her room. The household’s women gathered around her and watched as she removed lengths of silk, gems, gold and silver and jade carvings. She lifted a large jade pendant on a silver chain. Depictions of the four corners of the earth had been carved onto the surface. She decided to give the pendant to Wu Ping. Why hadn’t he gone to her father? Why hadn’t she spoken of her love for the tutor? Would her father have welcomed him into the family?

  She glanced around. Ah Lam’s eyes glittered with greed and envy. The concubine ran her hands over the silk. She sidled to Xing-Xing’s side and spoke in a low voice. “I want some of the jewels.”

  “What?”

  “You heard me and you will make gifts or you will regret.” Ah Lam moved away.

  Does she know? Xing-Xing shuddered. Who would believe a concubine?

  Chu Hua sighed. “I wish you could be here to share my joy. Before I had hope but now I know I’m with child.”

  “How do you know?”

  “My woman’s time hasn’t come. My breasts are tender and in the morning I’m ill.”

  Xing-Xing bowed her head to keep her friend from seeing the panic in her eyes. Her woman’s time was late. She was sick in the morning. She must tell Wu Ping.”

  Once she was alone, she hurried through the garden to the tutor’s house. Wu Ping caught her in his arms. “Why have you come during the day?”

  “My honored father has reached an offer for me.”

  “I have heard the news. What can we do?”

  “I am with child. We must flee.”

  “Where can we go? I have little money and I sold my father’s land.”

  “I have the jewels my father gave me.” She dropped a pouch in his hand and leaned against him. “Make me forget the things that have happened today. I would pledge myself to you.”

  “Then come tonight and we will talk.”

  * * *

  A child. Xing-Xing would have his son. Until she told him he hadn’t realized how much he wanted a son. He nuzzled her neck. “We must tell your father about the child.”

  She shook her head. “It is too late. He will be angry for he has great ambition for the house. We must leave.”

  He nodded. “Tomorrow night. I must look at the maps and plan our route. We’ll meet at moonrise in the mulberry grove. Go now.”

  “Not until we make our pledge.”

  He kissed her fingers. “I pledge myself to you. Hear what you mean to me.

  Five virtues have you and you

  Kindness in warmth and luster.

  Goodness seen from inside out.

  Wisdom in voice heard tranquil.

  Bravery to break and not bend.

  Purity of sharp edges.

  All the virtues of jade, you.

  Xing-Xing hung the jade pendant around his neck. “These words and this gift say how I feel now and forever.”

  You, four corners of my earth.

  Dragon of the east you come.

  In the spring, rouse me from deep sleep.

  Causing me to bud and leaf.

  As trees take life in season.

  Phoenix from the south you are.

  Filling me with summer fire.

  Full of love and passion nights.

  Tiger from the west, I see

  With harvest you bring to me.

  Reap me with your eager hands.

  Gently store me in your strength.

  Tortoise and snake from the north.

  Dark warrior of the winter.

  I am cold when you appear

  And I wait for dragon spring.

  She gazed into his eyes. “Forever, I am yours.” She removed her clothes.

  He untied his trousers. As though pulled by strings, he walked to her. He caught her in his arms. The tips of her breasts brushed his chest. As their tongues tangled, he slipped a hand between them and stroked her lotus. He released her lips and bent to suckle one breast while continuing to rub her pearl.

  Her soft sighs and moans filled him with desire, yet he wished to prolong this time. He trailed his lips over her skin and moved to his knees. She knelt. He groaned. Though he wanted to penetrate her lotus, he wished to savor every moment.

  “As was in the past will be again,” Xing-Xing whispered.

  Though her words puzzled him, they seemed right. He leaned forward and laved her breasts. She bent back and straightened her legs until she sat on the sleeping mat. Slowly, she lowered her body.

  Wu Ping supported his weight on his arms and thrust into her. “My jade stem enters your lotus.”

  “Bring your rain.”

  He moved with slow strokes at first. The tightness of her lotus brought exquisite pleasure. She captured his rhythm and moved with him. Faster and faster they moved. He arched his back. She tightened around him.

  She cried his name and he called hers. He erupted with such force they slid along the mat. Once he caught his breath, he rained kisses on her face. “For now and forever you are mine.”

  “Until death parts us and beyond,” she said.

  A chill wind slid along his spine. “Speak not of death, but think of the new life you carry.” A sound startled him. He released Xing-Xing and walked to the door.

  “What’s wrong?” she asked.

  “I thought I heard noises.”

  She pulled on her clothes. “I must go.”

  He kissed her brow. “Walk with care.”

  Until she vanished Wu Ping remained in the doorway. He thought he saw a movement in the shadows. He stared into the gloom. Nothing. He must have seen the trees swaying in the breeze.

  * * *

  Waves of sadness washed over Xing-Xing. She slipped from the house to meet Wu Ping. For him she would cast away duty and honor. There’d been no other way to keep her love and the child. She wanted to throw herself at her father’s feet and beg forgiveness but that act wouldn’t change his ambition. He would find a way to use her as a pawn. Wu Ping had set aside his desire to spread his teacher’s words. She could do no less.

  Would they succeed this time? She frowned. This time? What did that mean?

  She reached the mulberry grove and made her way to the clearing where Wu Ping waited. Moonlight illuminated him. She ran into his embrace. “We must leave at once.’

  “See!” A shrill scream sounded. “See, Huang Yu, I told you I met no man here. I told you your daughter was the one.”

  Wu Ping thrust Xing-Xing behind him. She peered around his body, saw her father, the concubine and Huang Hsia step into view.

  “Xing-Xing, come here,” her father commanded. “I will hear what you have done and why you dishonor our house.”

  “I have given my pledge to Wu Ping and he has pledged to me. I love him and would be with him.”

  “Come, Daughter.” Her mother stepped from among the trees. “We will repair the damage you have done.”

  Xing-Xing clung to Wu Ping. “I will stay with him.”

  Her father moved closer. “Your bridegroom arrives at lunar’s end and you will make him welcome.” “No. I love Wu Ping.”

  “Daughter, love has no meaning in a woman’s life,” her mother said. “A woman must do what her father comm
ands and harden her heart against love.”

  “Go,” Wu Ping said. “I will not see you harmed. Though I love you, I will learn to live without you.”

  “What of our child?”

  “I do not know.” He embraced her.

  Her brother shouted. Wu Ping staggered and knocked her to the ground. He fell and lay beside her.

  Xing-Xing stared at the knife protruding from Wu Ping’s back. She stroked his face. “Huang Hsia, why have you done this? You have ruined my life.” Tears flowed over her cheeks.

  “What I have done is for the honor of the house.”

  Xing-Xing rose. She pulled the knife from Wu Ping’s back. “You lie. Not for the honor of the house but to muddy your own actions. While Father was away, you spent every night in Ah Lam’s arms. She has bewitched you.”

  Ah Lam laughed. She grasped Huang Yu’s arm. “She seeks to turn your anger from herself. Huang Hsia is a callow youth sniffing at my lotus.”

  Huang Hsia plucked the knife from Xing-Xing’s hand. “Go, my sister.”

  Huang Yu thrust the concubine away. He grabbed Xing-Xing’s arm and dragged her toward the house. Ah Lam’s scream shattered the silence of the night.

  “Mother, Father, what will you do with me?”

  “You go to the herb woman for a purging so you may keep the honor of the house,” her father said.

  Her mother patted her hair. “A woman’s lot is hard, my daughter.”

  Xing-Xing looked from one parent to the other. She wiped her tears with her sleeve. “How can there be honor when there is no love? I will harden my heart, Mother. My heart is now jade.”

  * * *

  Astrid’s body shook. Tears wet her face. Why did she slip into these other lives? She gulped deep breaths and sought to remember more of the past times. She’d been in Egypt, Babylon, and now China. In each of those lives there had been a tragic ending. In China, her father had been Huang Yu, but he had been so unlike her father. He’d been cold and cruel. The harder she burrowed for details, the more shadowed they became.