Past Betrayals, Past Loves

by Walters, Janet Lane;

  She went inside and hurried to her room. On her bed was a dress, a plain one, not one of the expensive fabrics she usually wore. When she went to the festival, she would look like the other girls. She held up the dress and the undergarment. The wide sleeves would allow the tighter ones of the under dress to show. There was also a cloak with no fur trimming.

  That night, she decided to eat dinner with her sister. Adelle clapped her hands when Esther came into the room. The young girl ran to her. “I’m so glad you came.”

  “How did you spend your day?” Esther asked.

  “Mathilde taught me my letters. Why must we learn to write the words we hear only in church? Why don’t we write the ones we use every day?”

  Esther laughed. “I’ll admit it makes no sense but Papa says it’s so we can deal with people who live in other lands.”

  Adelle sighed. “Even when we don’t know these people.”

  “We must learn for Papa has no sons.” She sighed. Not only had Adelle’s mother died but so had the son her father had desired.

  Adelle patted her hand. “Don’t be sad.”

  “I won’t. Tomorrow I’m going to the Harvest Festival in town. What would you like me to bring you?”

  “Apple cake. A big piece.”

  “I will.”

  Mathilde returned. “Adelle, wash your hands. Dinner is on the way.” She turned to Esther. I’m glad you dine with us. Adele misses your company.”

  “And I miss hers. Now the house is in order. I’ll have more time.”

  Esther joined the pair at a small table. She felt on edge. The things Trude had said troubled her. Tomorrow, the day would be spent with Berwin. Esther put a slice of meat on her plate and cut it with her knife. Trouble brewed and she was sure what ever happened now, the seeds had been sown in the past. She forced a smile. There was no reason to upset Adelle and Mathilde with these thoughts of doom.

  Tomorrow would be a good day.

  * * *

  When Berwin arrived to escort Esther to town, her troubled thoughts vanished. He helped her mount. The feel of his hands brought shivers of delight. When he smiled, her emotions avalanched and made her feel weak. They rode to town and left their steeds tied at the edge of town near a stand of trees. Hand in hand like two children, they walked to the commons.

  She didn’t feel like a child. What about Berwin? Was he to remain no more than a friend?

  Music filled the air. Esther saw dancers and admired their grace. The milling crowds laughed and talked. Esther spotted the black-robed priest and her father. A chill washed over her. Was he speaking about a betrothal?

  As she and Berwin mingled and looked at the items the merchants had for sale, Esther saw sullen faced men among the people. Why? This was a time for celebration.

  Berwin handed her a mug of cider and a slice of apple cake. The beverage was cold and sweet, the cake warm and rich with spices. “I must take a large piece to Adelle,” Esther said.

  “We’ll buy some before I take you home.” He glanced around and frowned. Esther’s gaze followed his. Was that man signaling?

  Gerald sauntered over. “Berwin, Esther, your fathers said you would be here. I’ve missed seeing you at dinner these past few days.”

  “Adelle needs my company since there are no children as there were when I was young.” She turned to leave but Berwin had vanished. Why had he left her alone with this man?

  Gerald pulled her toward the circle of dancers. “Your escort has abandoned you. Come into the circle with me.”

  She shook her head. “I would rather not.”

  He pulled her closer. “Then we can leave. I can show you more things than that peasant.”

  “I’ll wait for Berwin.”

  “You’re mine.” He tightened his hold on her and brought her mouth toward hers.

  She twisted away from his questing lips. “Let me be.” Someone pulled her hair. She cried out.

  “I warned you,” Trude said. “You can’t have what’s mine.”

  Gerald grasped Trude’s arms. “You dare harm your betters?”

  Esther backed away. Trude struggled with Gerald. Esther fled. When she looked back, she saw the pair locked together and stumbling toward the shadows.

  “What have we here?”

  A man’s slurred voice startled Esther. When he grabbed her, she jerked free. “Let me alone.”

  “A kiss or two won’t hurt.” A second man appeared beside the first. “I want her.”

  Esther froze. She was trapped. Tears threatened. “Go away.”

  “Be off.”

  For a moment, she didn’t recognize the voice. Tears trickled down her cheeks. She looked around and saw Berwin. The men shambled away.

  Berwin drew her into the shadows of the trees not far from where they’d left the horses. “What happened?”

  She wiped her tears on her sleeve. “Gerald tried to kiss me. I fought. Trude came and pulled my hair. She and Gerald fought. I ran and those men found me.”

  He tightened the embrace. “I shouldn’t have left you.”

  She rose on her toes and slid her arms around his neck. Her lips brushed his. She’d only intended to thank him but he held her flush against his body. His mouth slanted over hers. His tongue danced over her lips.

  This was meant to be, she thought. As loving he had been right time and time again.

  She opened her mouth. His tongue darted inside to touch hers. Delicious sensations arose. Her fingers threaded through his hair to stroke his nape. Her body caught the rhythm of the motions of his tongue and she danced against him. She felt light and happy. Her emotions cascaded like water plunging over rocks during the spring thaw.

  * * *

  Berwin knew he had to pull back but having her in his arms brought back his childhood dreams of being with her forever. He wanted her as an adult. He wanted to kiss her until her desire matched his.

  He couldn’t. Esther was too far above for him to touch. She was the daughter of the man who oversaw these lands, a wealthy lord. Esther was the heiress and a child of those he’d decided were invaders. Reluctantly, he pulled away.

  She reached for him. Moonlight filtered through the leafy canopy. He saw desire, yearning and need in her gray eyes. He was sorry he’d stirred a fire that had to die.

  “I’ll take you home,” he said.

  “What if I don’t want to go? I would like to stay with you.”

  He clasped her hand. “You can’t.”

  She sighed and he caught the echo of a sob. “I promised apple cake for Adelle.”

  He led her to her horses and lifted her into the saddle. “Wait here. I’ll fetch the cake.”

  “Berwin, why are you doing this? Why are you pushing me away?”

  “I must.”

  As he hurried to the square, he felt as if two armies waged war in his head and his heart. He wanted Esther as a man wants a woman. She could never be his for more than one reason but the one putting miles between them was his stand with the men who wanted to end the power of the foreign rulers.

  When he returned to Esther, he handed her the cloth wrapped cake. Without speaking, they rode to the castle. He didn’t know what to say or how to tell her the kiss had been a mistake.

  Once the crossed the moat, he dismounted and lifted her down. She looked into his eyes. “I love you. I always have. This isn’t the first time we have met and fallen in love.”

  He nodded. “And each time we make the same mistakes and lose each other again.”

  “Maybe this time we can do the right things.” She feathered her fingers over his face. “If only we knew what to do and what to avoid.”

  He swallowed. The right thing would be to walk away and he wasn’t sure he could. He pulled her into the shadows and kissed her. “Good night,” he said. Goodbye, he thought.

  He turned on his heel and mounted his horse. Tonight there was a meeting and he was late. The shadow leader would be there. Berwin wanted to meet the man who provided money and planned the attacks
on those who collected the taxes.

  He left the horse at his father’s house and set a rapid pace along the trail to the abandoned shepherd’s hut where the men were to meet.

  When he entered the clearing, several men left the hut. Trude’s brother hailed him. “You’re late. He’s gone.” The young man’s sly smile puzzled Berwin. “Shame you always seem to miss him. One would think the two of you were avoiding each other.”

  “I had something my father made me do. What was decided?” Berwin frowned. Was the shadow leader avoiding him? He thought of all the times he’d missed meeting the man. Did the reader really come from another canton?

  “He’ll let us know. Shouldn’t be more than a few days of waiting. He said the next would be an important strike and we’ll be well paid.”

  “Paid? I don’t do this for money,” Berwin said.

  * * *

  Esther spend days dreaming of Berwin and the kiss that had left her aching. Though several times his father had come to speak to hers, Berwin hadn’t been present. The older man said he was preparing for the winter when he cut wood for the village and hunted for fur-bearing animals.

  One evening, her father came to the door of her room. He looked old and sad. “Papa, are you ill?”

  He shook his head. “I must talk to you. I’ve had an offer of marriage for you.”

  She got to her feet. “Does the offer displease you?”

  He nodded. “I won’t keep you from a marriage you want. He assured me he has your favor. I just never considered Gerald as a man I would gladly see you wed.”

  “Gerald!” Esther’s hand flew to her mouth. “No, Papa, I never said I wanted to marry him. I don’t like him. He’s sly and greedy.’

  He caught her hand. “I’ll deny his suit. I married your mother by arrangement. She didn’t love me. Her father and mine were pleased. I don’t want you to be as unhappy as we were.”

  “Thank you.” She wanted to tell him of her feelings for Berwin but she didn’t know if her love was returned.

  Her father held out a packet. “A gift. To keep you safe.”

  She unwrapped the cloth and found a silver cross on a chain. Gems adorned the cross. A diamond, a ruby, an emerald, a sapphire and a topaz. “It’s lovely.” She hung the cross around her neck.

  “Gerald and I leave in the morning. Once I’ve collected the rents and taxes, we will leave for home. While I’m gone, my men will remain to keep you and your sister safe.”

  “Be careful. I have heard tales of attacks by rebels.”

  * * *

  For days, Berwin waited for someone to summon him to a meeting. Sir George and Gerald had ridden off to make rounds of the farms and villages to collect the count’s due. Berwin believed they had no right to take a man’s harvest or his hard-earned coins. Though this was the custom, the herdsmen and farmers received little for their offerings.

  He stopped in the tavern in hopes of seeing others of the band of men who were determined to drive the overlords away. He frowned. None of the men were there. Had they been called and how had he missed the summons?

  Trude carried a mug of ale and sat beside him. “Finally come out of your cave.”

  He frowned. “Is your brother about?”

  She shook her head. “He’s with the men. The day has come.”

  “What?” Berwin sprang to his feet. “Why didn’t they send for me?”

  Her smile mocked. “Maybe they don’t trust a man who has his eye on the overlord’s daughter. Maybe their leader didn’t want you along.”

  He grasped her arm. “What do you know?”

  She sucked on her lower lip. “That the day has come and a new star will rise in the sky. You won’t have her. Gerald will.”

  Berwin released her arm and strode to the door. He donned his cloak and grabbed his bow and quiver. He had to find the others. He believed they intended to attack Esther’s father.

  As he raced toward the meeting place, he realized why he’d never met the shadow leader. Even in disguise, he would have recognized Gerald. The man had no plans to drive away the tax collectors. His plans were made to elevate himself.

  * * *

  Esther stood at the narrow window of her room and opened the shutters. Her father should return today and in a few more they would depart. Should she tell him of her love for Berwin? Though her father wanted her happiness, Berwin wasn’t a noble. Would her father drag her home and find another man for her to wed? Would he be some nobleman whose wealth matched hers?

  She spotted the troop of men in the distance. As they drew closer, she knew something was wrong. There were no wagons filled with harvest tribute. She saw what looked like bodies slung over horses. Holding back a cry of fear, she ran to the stairs. She hadn’t seen her father in the lead where he usually rode.

  Mathilde came from the room she shared with Adelle. “Esther, what’s wrong?”

  “The men are returning and I don’t see Papa.”

  The older woman gasped. “I’ll tend to Adelle and then join you.”

  By the time Esther reached the hall, the doors opened and Gerald strode in. “I bring ill news. We were set upon by rebels and your father is dead.”

  Esther balled her fist against her mouth. What could she do? “Have the body brought to his room and send for a priest and a coffin. Mathilde and I will prepare him. We’ll leave in the morning to take him home.”

  Gerald grasped her shoulder. His fingers dig into her flesh. “As he was dying, he begged me to see to you. When the priest comes he will perform out betrothal.”

  Esther tore free. He would never have done that. He said you had asked for my hand. I told him no and he was pleased.” She ran to the stairs where Mathilde waited.

  “You will marry me,” Gerald said. “I will speak to the priest. You need my protection.”

  Panic roiled her grief-filled emotions. She moved into Mathilde’s arms. “What can I do?”

  “We’ll see to the body. You must move in with Adelle and me until we leave for home.”

  Esther nodded. That was one solution. If she could get word to Berwin or his father, maybe they could help. Why had the rebels killed her father? He would have listened to them.

  She followed Mathilde to her father’s room. They placed a clean sheet on his bed. When the men carried him in, Esther burst into tears. Se cried until her chest and stomach ached.

  “Look at this,” Mathilde said.

  Esther wiped her eyes and went to the bed. “What do you see?”

  “He was back-stabbed. The arrow in his leg wouldn’t have killed him.”

  Esther held an anguished scream inside. “Gerald did this. What can we do?”

  “Don’t say a word to him or the priest,” Mathilde said. “When we return home, I will tell Count Rudolf. Even if you’re forced into a betrothal, as long as he doesn’t’ bed you, the Count can say no to the marriage.”

  Esther nodded. Not speaking would be hard. How could she swear before God that she would wed Gerald? She ran her fingers over the cross her father had given her.

  She and Mathilde dressed her father. Esther kissed his cheek and went to her sister. She held Adelle and wept with the child.

  When Adelle fell asleep, Esther put her to bed. She turned to Mathilde. “I’ll fetch my things and sit vigil with Papa.”

  “I can get your clothes.”

  “You’re tired. I won’t be long.”

  Esther hurried to her room. When she stepped inside, arms imprisoned her and a hand covered her mouth. She tried to free herself.

  “I’ll make sure a marriage is necessary.” Gerald turned her to face him. He ground his mouth against hers.

  Esther tried to loosen his hold. She opened her mouth to scream. He thrust his tongue inside. She bit. He helped. She raised her knee and shoved him with all the force she could muster. He doubled over. She grabbed the heavy water pitcher from the washstand and smashed his head. He sprawled on the floor.

  She grabbed a cloak and ran to her sister’s r
oom. “Mathilde, Gerald attacked me. I hit him with a pitcher. Take Adelle to Berwin’s father. He’ll protect you.” She sped down the stairs and through the doors. As she raced across the moat, she heard Gerald shout her name.

  “Stop her!”

  Instead of taking the road to town, she raced into the forest. She had to escape. She would rather die than wed Gerald.

  Branches tore at her cloak. They scratched her face. Even when she could no longer hear Gerald, she continued to plunge heedlessly. She tripped on some rocks and scrambled to her feet. On a rock strewn slope, she stumbled and rolled into the icy waters of an alpine stream. She reached the far shore and climbed onto the bank. There, she collapsed.

  “Esther!”

  The call spurred her to move. She crawled several yards and fell again. Exhaustion and fear tumbled over grief. She couldn’t move. Chill from the immersion in the stream seeped through her body.

  * * *

  When Gerald turned back to the castle, Berwin continued to follow Esther. He’d known her father’s death would devastate her but why had she run? He’d been on his way to offer her comfort when she’d bolted into the forest. He’d noticed the flood on Gerald’s head and wondered if the man had been wounded in the fight.

  Berwin had nearly reached Ester when she tumbled into the stream. He leaped to the other side. “Esther, it’s Berwin.”

  Her body shook. Her eyes widened in panic and he wasn’t sure she knew who he was. The icy water and chill wind made him realize he needed to get her to shelter. She could die

  He lifted and carried her to the shepherd’s hut. Town was too far and so was his hut. Until he knew why she’d run, he couldn’t take her to the castle. The shepherd’s hut could provide shelter and he could build a fire. Surely none of the men would come this way for several days. Berwin was so convinced the death of Esther’s father had been Gerald’s goal, especially after he’d overheard the men speaking of Gerald’s actions during the attack.