My Cheating Heart

by Ann Steinke

  Then Lou’s arms were wrapped around me, the other cymbal wedged between us. Our faces were within inches of each other. I could hear his breathing. My skin seemed on fire where his arms touched me. I pulled back, the cymbal falling out of my grip. But Lou caught it before it hit the floor.

  My face was flaming. “I’m so sorry!” I said in a scratchy and weak voice.

  “It’s okay,” he said softly, looking at me with kind, gentle eyes.

  Right then Mr. Kingston pushed through the drapes at the side of the stage. “Five minutes, kids,” he said.

  Scott yelped. “Let’s hustle.”

  In four minutes and thirty seconds, we had the rest of the instruments set up and were standing at our places, ready to be introduced. The small drapes parted, and suddenly there we were, on stage. Scott nodded, and Lou began his count. I played fine until right before we went into Lou’s piece. Scott had mentioned to the audience that our last song would be a piece written by our drummer. He had nodded in Lou’s direction, and I’d turned around.

  Lou’s eyes had met mine in that instant, and a funny little smile played across his mouth. He likes me, I suddenly realized. I could see it in his expression so clearly. I stared at him hard for a second and saw in his eyes the emotion I both wanted and feared. He was attracted to me!

  I was filled with wonder. Elation that he felt the same way I did flooded through my body, making me feel like shouting for joy.

  Then I came crashing down. Ter, whom I love more than a sister, was crazy about him. What was I going to do?

  Wrestling with my emotions made me blow a few notes in my solo, and Lou, whose solo was right after mine, seemed to have caught bad vibes from me. His drum solo wasn’t nearly as spectacular as it normally was. We finished the piece in a kind of pitiful slump, Lou’s and my weak performances infecting Ter and Scott.

  The curtain slowly closed as the audience applauded. Then we all looked at each other, partly in relief and partly in disappointment.

  Scott spoke first. “Man, I guess our nerves were shot by the time we got to Lou’s piece, huh?”

  I blinked and stared at him. I felt as if I were melting into a puddle.

  “You all right, Krista?” I heard Ter ask me. Her voice seemed so far away, but she was actually right next to me.

  I turned toward her and her face slowly came into focus.

  “Uh, yeah,” I managed to get out. “I’m so sorry. I was doing okay until—” My voice trailed off. What could I possibly say?

  “Yeah,” she said, her face creased with concern.

  “Amigo,” Scott said to Lou. “You surprised me. I thought you were the coolest one of us all. You kinda lost it on your drum solo, huh?”

  Lou looked down at the floor without reacting.

  “I guess we can chalk this up to being whacked out by our first gig,” Scott said. “I mean, probably all bands get crazy the first time they play before an audience.”

  “That’s right,” Ed Kingston said, coming onto the stage. Incredibly he was smiling. “You kids did okay. Not great, but okay,” he said unenthusiastically. “If you want to, you can still play that spot in three weeks.”

  We stared at him in disbelief.

  “Really?” Scott said.

  “Really,” Mr. Kingston said. “Now get your stuff off the stage. The Regents need it.” He turned abruptly and left us to remove our equipment.

  We collected our instruments as quickly as possible and hustled out to our cars. Then Mr. Kingston came out to hand Scott our check. “See you in three weeks,” he said. “Eight thirty.”

  We watched him go back into the coffeehouse. Then Scott turned toward us, waving the check in the air. “I told you we could do it!” he yelled happily. “Our first two hundred dollars!”

  We crowded around, taking turns holding the check in our hands. “Next time we’ll be used to the stage thing,” Scott predicted. “And we’ll be better.”

  I looked at Scott and had to smile. He was so encouraging—so nice. And at that moment he was beaming, obviously filled with so much happiness. Oh, Scott, I thought. Why can’t you be the one I want? It didn’t seem fair. He was wonderful in so many ways, but I just couldn’t like him in the same way he liked me.

  I needed space to think. I needed to go home. But Scott wanted us to go out and celebrate.

  So I lied. I pleaded a headache. I begged Ter to take me home and I told the rest of them to go out without me. I apologized for being a wet blanket, but I really, really didn’t feel well, I told them. Ter and Scott tried to change my mind, but I refused and won. Ter took me home.

  “I hope you feel better,” Ter said, delivering me to my door. A worried frown creased her face. “Maybe you ought to go to a doctor,” she added. “I mean, this is the second time you’ve had a headache so bad you had to be taken home.”

  “Oh, Ter, you always make things out to be bigger than they are,” I said. “A good night’s sleep will take care of this.”

  “Well, okay,” Ter said. “See you tomorrow?”

  “Yeah.”

  I entered my house, hearing the buzz of the television in the family room. And I could hear my mother’s voice talking to someone on the phone in the kitchen. I was thankful my parents were distracted. That way I could make it to my room without being apprehended and subjected to the third degree. I knew they’d want to know how our first gig went.

  I walked as silently as fog down the carpeted hallway and entered my room, closing the door softly behind me. I found my way over to my window in the dark by memory and stared out at the street. Ter’s car was gone, but the words she spoke in the car on the way over were still ringing in my ears.

  “Don’t you think Lou is just wonderful?” Ter had said. “It was obvious his nerves weren’t the best tonight, but he tried to play that drum solo as well as he could. . . . He looked so handsome sitting there behind those drums. . . . I’ll bet so many girls sitting in the audience were panting after him. . . . I can’t believe I’ve got a guy as fabulous as he is interested in me. . . . This is it, Krista! It has to be.”

  Ter’s words were clear in my memory. She had been exuberant tonight, but I thought I detected a desperate ring in her voice. It was almost as if she were trying to convince us both that what she was saying was true.

  “Oh, Krista, can’t you just feel it? You and Scott, me and Lou. We’re the couples of the year. Even the way we look together is perfect. You and Scott are both tall and blond. Lou and I are darker and more compact.”

  Not that much more compact, my traitorous mind had argued. Lou still had two inches on me. But in a way, I wished he was ten inches shorter than me. Maybe then I wouldn’t be attracted to him.

  Ter had kept up a steady commentary on Lou’s attributes all the way to my house. I had worked so hard to keep from screaming at her to be quiet that by the time I’d gotten home, I was wiped out.

  But Ter was right, I thought, standing by the window. Lou was wonderful—he was kind, hard working, good looking, and he really listened when someone talked to him. Of course, it occurred to me that that description could also apply to Scott. But I still couldn’t work up the feelings for Scott that I had for Lou.

  I tore myself away from the window and snapped on my dresser lamp. The first thing I saw was the photograph of Ter I’d put on the music stand. There was a sheet of music sticking up behind it, so I walked over and pulled it out. It was the last piece Ter and I had practiced before school started. Before the band got together, Ter and I used to practice violin together at my house. We’d been doing that since seventh grade, and my father had even bought Ter a music stand of her own to place next to mine in my room. My eyes traveled to the spot where her stand used to be, and a tear rolled down my cheek. So many memories.

  I started peeling off my clothes. The memories of the past were bright and uncomplicated. But now it seemed that nothing was carefree and easy, and my life was like a dark puzzle I couldn’t solve.

  The phone beside my b
ed rang the next morning, waking me from a long and heavy sleep. It was Ter. She wanted to come over, but I told her I had to do research at the library for my economics report.

  “Is there something wrong, Krista?” she asked, sounding hurt and confused. “Did I do something to make you mad?”

  “Ter, no. Why would you think that?”

  “It’s just that you’ve seemed kind of funny lately. I can’t figure out what it is exactly but—”

  “Ter, there’s nothing wrong. Really,” I insisted. “I just have that rotten report for Hernandez hanging over my head, and I really have to start working on it.” I paused, waiting for a response, but she remained silent. “Believe me, Ter. That’s all it is,” I said. But although I did have a report to work on, I was really going to the library to get away from everyone. I needed the time to be by myself, away from anything and anyone that might remind me of my problem.

  “Well, okay,” she said dubiously.

  I stared at the phone after we hung up, hating the way I felt—disloyal and even dishonest. I didn’t want to lie to my best friend, but I told myself that it was necessary. I had too many issues to work out within myself before I could handle spending time with Ter again.

  I had my mother drop me off at the library as soon as it opened that afternoon.

  “Call me when you need a ride home,” she said as I stepped out of the car.

  I nodded, then walked up the stairs and entered the building. Briefly I entertained hopes that Lou would be there, too, but then I remembered he’d photocopied a lot of material the last time I saw him in the library, so he probably wouldn’t need to come back. I knew seeing him again would only fuel my attraction toward him and confuse me even more, but I couldn’t help wishing that I’d run into him again.

  I placed my notebook and economics text down on a table, then headed for the aisle where I knew the economics books were shelved. I whipped around the end of one aisle and crashed right into someone walking in the opposite direction.

  “Oof!” I exclaimed, bouncing backward and stumbling into the shelves behind me. I grabbed onto some books to keep myself from wiping out on the floor, then realized it was Lou who had collided into me.

  “Krista!” he said, stepping back.

  We stared at each other, neither of us moving. My breath was tight in my chest, as if my lungs had suddenly shrunk in half. I felt myself moving slowly toward him, and the distance between us was shrinking bit by bit. Then his face was so close to mine that I could practically feel his breath against my skin. Our lips met, and I felt his hand press gently on my back. I opened my eyes halfway, but shut them again when Lou pulled me flat against him. We kissed again and again. They were quick, urgent kisses, as if they were the first kisses either of us had ever experienced.

  But then a voice washed over us like icy water. “Disgusting! In a library!”

  We jerked away from each other and saw an older woman push past us scowling and muttering under her breath. She paused at the end of the aisle and glared at us before reaching for a book.

  Without warning, Lou grabbed my hand and pulled me after him. I stumbled behind him, wondering where he was taking me. He passed a table, pausing only long enough to grab up some books with his free hand. Then he began scanning the room, and I realized that he was looking for my stuff. I led him to the table where I had set down my books, and he swiped them up before I even had a chance to touch them. Then he hauled me toward a side exit, and we burst out into the parking lot.

  His truck was parked nearby. He opened the door, and I climbed in. I knew I was acting on impulse, but his kisses had left my mind in such a muddled state that I couldn’t think straight.

  He got in on the other side of the truck and threw our things in the backseat. Then he slid in close to me and wrapped me tightly in his arms. He kissed me slowly, and this time no one stopped us.

  When we finally pulled away from each other, my breath came out jagged and shallow. Lou kept one arm wrapped around my waist, holding me so tightly that it almost hurt.

  “I’ve been wanting to do that for days,” he said, letting out a long breath.

  I looked at him and smiled.

  “But, uh, I’ve got something I want to say.” He shifted his eyes away from me nervously. “I know Scott’s crazy about you,” he went on. “And it’s no secret Teresa likes me a lot more than I like her.”

  I winced at his words. I was guilty of betraying Ter, but another part of me was still looking out for her. And in spite of myself, I hated to hear that Lou didn’t feel the same affection for her as she did for him.

  Lou went on. “That first day in orchestra, Scott noticed you immediately. He made it clear that he was interested in you, and he tried to convince me that Teresa and I looked perfect for each other.” He paused as if he were gathering his thoughts. “Anyway, it didn’t matter to me. I didn’t know who you were, so I was open to the idea of dating Teresa.” He swallowed before going on. “But then I got to know you and found out I really like you—more than Teresa. She’s pretty and nice, but I’m just not attracted to her. I feel bad about that, but—” He took a deep breath. “But I want to go out with you.” He looked directly into my eyes. “So, uh, how do you feel about that?”

  I was so thrilled that I wanted to shout. But when I spoke, my voice sounded small and meek. “I want to go out with you, too,” I said.

  “Great,” he said, smiling. Then he cradled my face in his hands and kissed me.

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  “So what are we going to do about Scott and Teresa?” Lou asked after our long deep kiss.

  “Oh, I don’t want to hurt her,” I said, dropping my face into my hands. “She’s my best friend.” I sat up in my seat and let my hands fall into my lap. “Ter’s crazy about you,” I said. “She’s so sure you guys are perfect for each other. I know she’d be so hurt if she ever found out about—about us.”

  Lou squeezed his eyes shut and let his head fall back against the headrest. I knew he didn’t like what he was hearing, but I had to go on.

  “I’ve never done anything to hurt Ter,” I said in a barely audible voice. “And I don’t want to do it now.”

  “I hear you,” Lou said, taking my hand. “I feel the same way about Scott. We’ve been buddies so long it’s like he’s a member of my family.”

  I nodded.

  “And I know how he feels about you. He’s told me often enough.” Lou paused for a moment and stared out through the windshield. “Scott’s liked girls before,” he went on, “but this time he says it’s different. None of the other girls shared his interest in music like you do.”

  He rubbed a hand over his eyes as if they hurt. When he started speaking again, his voice sounded thick and sluggish. “I don’t want to hurt Scott either, and if he finds out about us, I know he won’t want to have anything to do with us ever again.”

  My body started to tremble. Lou put his arms around me and hugged me close. Then I began to cry.

  “Krista, don’t,” Lou said gently. He kissed me until the trembling stopped, but tears were streaming down my cheeks.

  “Oh, I don’t know what to do,” I said miserably. “I want to be with you, but I don’t want to destroy the best friendship I’ll ever have.”

  “I know,” he said, wiping my cheeks dry.

  We sat in silence for a while, just holding each other. I could hear the distant sounds of people laughing, car doors opening and closing, and engines starting. But the world outside seemed remote to me.

  Finally Lou spoke up. “I think this is what we should do,” he began. “Since neither of us wants to hurt Scott or Ter, and since we haven’t had the chance to really get to know each other, why don’t we go out a few times without telling anyone?” He looked at me out of the corner of his eye.

  It sounded to me like he was proposing something underhanded. “You mean secretly date each other?” I asked, holding my breath.

  “Yeah,” he said, sighing. “It’ll be hard not t
o get, uh, found out, but what if we discover later on that we really aren’t that nuts about each other? Then we would have hurt them for nothing.”

  I considered his point. “I don’t know . . .” I said, shaking my head.

  “Listen, Krista,” he said, speaking slowly. “It wouldn’t make any sense to break up with them until we’re absolutely sure about us.”

  “But I—I don’t think I can do that,” I said hesitantly. “It seems so sneaky.”

  Lou sighed. “I know. You’re right. It is sneaky. So maybe we should just forget about the whole thing, huh?”

  I looked into his eyes. They were warm and dark and full of emotion. I wanted him. But I didn’t want to hurt Ter or Scott. Lou did have a point, though. We might find out that we didn’t like each other as much as we thought, and maybe things wouldn’t work out between us. “I guess we should give it a try,” I said, feeling relieved that we had come to a decision, but terrified that we might get caught and end up hurting two people we cared about.

  Lou pulled me tightly against his chest. I could hear the heavy beat of his heart and the sound of his breathing. “Then that’s what we’ll do,” he said with finality.

  I buried my face deeper into his chest. I didn’t want to go through with it, but I saw no other way.

  “Teresa and Scott work Mondays,” he said tentatively. “But we don’t. So do you want to do something tomorrow night?”

  I lifted my face and nodded.

  “Okay then. It’s set,” he said. Then his smile faded suddenly. “I guess I can’t really pick you up at home without your parents knowing, can I?” he said.

  I thought about my parents’ schedules for a second. “Actually,” I said, “my mother has some meeting she has to go to tomorrow night, and Dad mentioned that he had an appointment, too. So I guess it’ll be all right.”

  “Okay,” he said. “So I’ll come by and pick you up, and you can leave a note for your parents saying that a friend took you to the library or something.”

  “I guess that will work,” I said. I wasn’t really convinced that that would be a good enough excuse, but I didn’t have a better idea.