Letters to Elise: A Peter Townsend Novella

by Amanda Hocking

With Mae pleading with me to save him, I went ahead it with it. I tore open my wrist and pressed it to his mouth. He didn’t react or wake, but I held the wound open, letting as much blood flow into his mouth as it possibly could.

  Eventually, I had to pull my wrist away. Mae sat next to him, clinging onto him as if that would help, and I began pacing the room, trying to think of what we should do with the body. Perhaps a river or a lake would be a good place to discard him…

  Then he started to cough, like he was choking on my blood. Mae turned to me, hoping I would know what to do, but I was stunned. I hadn’t thought it would really work, so I hadn’t thought about any of the ramifications of turning another human being into a vampire.

  It wasn’t a decision I would take lightly. I hadn’t done it in over one hundred and fifty years of life, and Ezra himself had only done it the once when he turned me. Cursing another human to this existence is a cruel thing to do, especially without asking for the human’s consent.

  But this human was alive, swallowing down my blood, and I had to do something. I carried him out the back door of the club, with Mae still crying as she followed me. She kept apologizing for what she’d done, but I didn’t blame her. She’s still too young to completely understand how frail humans truly are.

  At home, I took the human up to my room to get him comfortable. We don’t even have a spare room at our house, so we’re going to have to move soon. I can’t share a room with him long term, that is for certain.

  Ezra helped prepare us for the transformation, while Mae did most of the hands on care. Her maternal instinct is unparalleled in any human I’ve ever encountered. She sat by the human’s side, unwilling to move, even though nothing much happened the first twenty-four hours. I feared he might be in a coma, because he didn’t even move.

  Then the transformation took hold, and it’s almost as horrific to watch as it to experience. His body actually contorted. It moved about, as if there were creatures under his flesh, as he changed and grew. His screams were agonizing, and his vomiting seemed endless. Though Mae did her best to catch it and clean him, my bed was destroyed by black vomit.

  The thing I was most unprepared for was the transformation in me. Somewhere in the middle of his change, I began to feel one myself. Something inside me wanted to be near him, pulled towards him. When he was in great pain, I felt it too, although on a much smaller scale.

  I was paranoid and nervous when I was away from him, as if I thought he would perish if not under my watchful care. I took over his care completely before his transformation was finished because I couldn’t stand to be away from him.

  I imagine it was much like a mother might feel leaving her newborn child with a strange babysitter. Panicked and apprehensive and somewhat obsessive.

  When he finally awoke once it was all over, I was sitting at the side of the bed. I hadn’t moved in nearly a day, terrified something would happen as soon as I did.

  “Where am I?” he asked, sitting up a bit. He was still pale, his hair was a fright, and his eyes were bloodshot, but he was on the mend. Physically, his body had completely made the change, and he appeared stronger and healthier than he had the club.

  “You’re… you’re at my house,” I said, unsure of how exactly to the answer him. “Do you remember what happened to you?”

  “Not really. ” He shook his head and furrowed his brow in concentration. “I remember going to a club with a couple of hot girls… but that’s all. What happened?”

  “I don’t know how to tell this to you, but you’re a vampire,” I said, and he stared blankly at me. “You were bitten at the club and lost a lot of a blood. To save you, I had to turn you. ”

  “You protected me,” he nodded, as if it that made total sense. He mulled it over a minute, then nodded again. “I believe you. ”

  At first, I didn’t understand how he could be so trusting, but I remembered the way I felt about Ezra after my own transformation. Or even the way I felt about the newly turned vampire now. He knew I would protect him, just as I knew that I would do anything to protect him. He was a part of me now, my brother, bonded to me for life.

  “Who are you?” he asked, turning to face me.

  “My name is Peter,” I said.

  “I’m Jack,” he smiled and stuck out his hand. “Jack Hobbs. ”

  “It’s nice meeting you,” I said and shook his hand.

  “So…” Jack said, looking around the room. “I am really, really hungry, like starving. ”

  I got him bag blood, since it’s much safer to learn that way than on humans. Mae came in with me when I brought it back, and they took to each other right away. She loved the childlike innocence about him, and how needy newly turned vampires are. He liked the affection, I think. There was something strangely lonely about him.

  Jack didn’t speak much of his family, but when I suggested that he moved in and cut ties with them, he didn’t seem to mind. He said that they wouldn’t even miss him.

  So far, he’s been sleeping in my bed, and I’ve been sleeping on the floor nearby. I could sleep on the couch in the living room, but if I’m being completely honest, I don’t really want to be away from him.

  I haven’t bonded this intensely or quickly with anyone since I’ve met you. It’s not romantic, not like with you, and I assume it’s something close to parental. But it is bizarrely consuming. I worry about him constantly. I don’t even like leaving the house for work.

  But on the positive, there’s a new joy to my life. I don’t know how to explain that either. But with Jack, I’m feeling emotions I’ve tried to stifle for the longest time. His laughter is so contagious, though, it’s impossible not to have fun with him.

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  He’s excited about everything. The whole world is new to him, and looking at it through his eyes, it feels new to me too. The past month has been the best month I’ve had in a very, very long time. Turning him might actually be the best thing that’s happened to me.

  Although, the past few days have been a bit insufferable. Some rock star that Jack was quite fond of has apparently died, and Jack’s been quite upset about it. This wouldn’t be so bad if I wasn’t acutely aware of everything that he feels. Every moment of fear or intense sadness, I get a wave of panic all my own. I come rushing into the room to find him watching a music video and crying.

  Still, I can’t complain much. I feel like I have a real and true purpose, and not like when I went to war. This gives meaning to my everyday life. I am helping shepherd him into something, and life feels more complete.

  Even Ezra and Mae seem happier. I thought that Ezra might be disappointed, but he’s not. Jack has filled out the family in a way that we needed. Ezra and I are too grave and serious. We’ve been alive for too long and seen too much, and we’ve become world weary.

  Jack reminds me of the lightness in the world. That there is still enjoyment in it. That there is still more to hope for. That life is worth living.

  Peter

  March 27, 2009

  There’s something the matter with Jack. He came home the other night saying he’d met a girl, and at first, he wouldn’t stop talking about her.

  Both Mae and I were pleased, mostly because it would get him out of the house. Since he broke up with Aisha last year, he hasn’t been himself. He hasn’t exactly been mopey, since Jack doesn’t really mope, but he was sedated and didn’t leave the house much.

  I don’t know why Jack always insists on dating humans. It’s not that I have any problems with humans per se, but they’re too frail. I don’t want to make connections with something that he’ll outlast by several millennia.

  But Jack and Ezra are so drawn to them. With Ezra, I know it’s because of how much he still longs to be human. With Jack, I don’t completely understand it. But he’s never been quite right in that he’s never really been a normal vampire.

  Maybe it’s because of how he turned. He doesn’t remembe
r turning, and he doesn’t even have many real memories of his human life, which didn’t end all that long ago. I’m starting to think maybe he really was dead when I turned him, but that doesn’t make sense. Once you’re dead, you’re dead…

  He has always been strange, but he’s acting even weirder than normal. He met this human girl, raved about her for days, then just completely stopped talking about her. At least to me. He and Mae would have quiet little conversations in their room, and when I tried to talk to Jack about it, he changed the subject.

  This is bizarre because Jack tells me everything, far more than I’d ever really want to know. Whenever I went on a trip with Ezra, he’d be waiting by the door for me to get back, looking as lost as that dog of his without me.

  If I’m being honest with myself, I was always grateful for that. Ezra and I have a strong bond, stronger than most vampires I’ve met, but there’s always been something special about mine with Jack. Even after all these years, the urge to protect him hasn’t faded, and his hero worship hasn’t waned.

  “That boy thinks you walk on water, you know,” Mae told me the other day.

  I’d been helping Jack fix the dining room table that he’d accidentally broken when roughhousing with his dog. He went back out to the garage to return the tools, but Mae had stayed sitting in the living room with me. She was reading a book, but she always managed to keep half an eye on us.

  “What are you talking about?” I asked, running my hands over the table to make sure the crack had been smoothed out seamlessly.

  “The way he watches you when you’re not looking,” Mae said. “He adores you. ”

  “We’ve always been close,” I said, feeling uncomfortable with her claims. “Why hasn’t he been talking me lately? He usually tells me everything. ”

  “It’s complicated. ” Mae shook her head and looked back down at her book.

  “Mae. ” I turned to her and folded my arms over my chest. “If there’s something going on with him, I should know. I can help him. ”

  “Not this time, Peter,” she sighed.

  “What does that mean?” I asked, growing irritated. I couldn’t stand of the idea of something hurting Jack and being unable to help him. “Is it about that human girl he’s after?”

  “I suppose you’ll find out anyway. ” Mae closed her book and set it on her lap. “But you can’t tell him I said anything to you. He wanted to wait to sort this out on his own, but it won’t hurt if you know. ”

  “Know what?” I asked.

  “The girl, there’s something about her that draws him to her,” Mae said.

  “Like he’s bonded to her?” I shook my head. “But she’s human. She can’t have a blood bond with a vampire. ”

  “No, she’s not supposed to, but we don’t completely understand how these things work,” Mae said. “And I don’t think she’s bonded with him. ”

  “But you said…” I trailed off, confused. “You think it’s a transference bond, like the one Jack and I have with you because you’re bonded to Ezra?”

  “Maybe,” she admitted.

  “But Ezra has you,” I said. “And I had Elise. ” I swallowed after I said her name. I’d gotten better about it since Jack came around. He asked so many questions, and I’d been forced to really talk about my past for the first time. In the long run, it had made life better.

  “I know, but I don’t know what else it can be. ” She shrugged. “Jack’s beside himself over it. ”

  “Why?” I asked. “And why didn’t he tell me about it?”

  “Because he likes her, Peter. ” Mae gave me that look, the one she used when I didn’t realize I’d hurt Jack’s feelings or been rude. “He’s afraid she’s bonded with you. ”

  “She can’t be bonded with me,” I said firmly. “I had Elise, and I lost her. That part of my life is over. ”

  “Mae,” Jack groaned as he came back into the living room with Matilda at his heels. The dog followed him everywhere. “You told him?”

  “He knew something was wrong, Jack,” Mae said apologetically. “He only wants to help. ”

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  “She’s right. ” I turned to face Jack. “And there’s nothing to worry about. ”

  “What do you mean?” Jack narrowed his eyes at me.

  “I can’t be bonded with this girl,” I said. “It’s not possible. ”

  “But there is something weird going on,” Jack insisted. “I am drawn to her. ”

  “You like her,” I shrugged.

  “No, I don’t,” he shook his head. “I mean, I do. But… I don’t know. We’re just friends. ”

  “If you’re really worried about her, bring her around,” I said. “When she meets me, I won’t feel anything, and then you’ll know. ”

  “That doesn’t explain how I feel about her,” Jack said.

  “That’s something you’ll have to figure it out on your own,” I said. “You’re probably just a bit closed off because of what happened with Aisha. ”

  “Don’t even bring that up,” he shook his head. His cell phone buzzed in his pocket, and he pulled out. “That’s her. Alice. I’m going to go meet up with her. ”

  “Alice?” I asked.

  “Yeah, the girl. ” He smirked at me. “The one we were just talking about?”

  “Oh, right,” I said. “I don’t think I’ve heard you say her name before. ”

  “Well, now, I have. I’ll think about what you said, though, and maybe I’ll bring her around sometime,” Jack said as he turned to leave the room. “But not tonight. ”

  He left in a hurry, so eager to see her, but I thought it was good for him. He needed something to care about, other than me, Mae, and Ezra. There was a life outside of this, and he needed to live it.

  “What if it is you?” Mae asked quietly once Jack had gone.

  “What?” I asked, looking back at her.

  “What if she is bonded to you?” Mae asked.

  “She won’t be. ”

  “But Peter…” Mae chewed her lip thoughtfully. “I think she might be. It’s a feeling I have. And you need to have a plan in case she is bonded with you. ”

  “Nothing,” I said. “I will do nothing. My heart is buried with Elise. ”

  I closed the subject and went up to my room. I didn’t want to think about the matter any longer. But I couldn’t shake it off. I thought it would help to write it all down, but it hasn’t. Because what if Mae is right?

  April 2, 2009

  Elise-

  I have no one else to talk to about this. It feels like sacrilege to speak of this to you, but I’d rather write to you than say it aloud to anyone else. Even though they know. Mae knew the instant she saw me, and Jack must know. He can probably feel it, the way I can feel it when his heart speeds up when she walks in the room.

  Jack brought his human girl, Alice, over tonight. I’d told him to. I’d assured him that everything would be alright, and everything should have been alright. I was bonded with you. Elise, I’m certain I was. The way I felt about you, it was unmistakable.

  But now this girl has come into our lives and everything is… a mess.

  As soon as Jack brought her in the house, I felt it. I didn’t even need to see her. I was upstairs in my room, reading and waiting for him to return. But I could hear her heart as soon as she walked in, beating like a frightened rabbit. And it was like music. It sang to me, Elise, in a way only your heart had ever sung to me.

  I didn’t want to see her or meet her or feel this way. Mae brought Alice up to my room, and I nearly suffocated. I couldn’t even breathe around her. It was so overwhelming, the pull inside me. I thought it would rip my heart from my chest. I wanted to rush to her and…

  I don’t know what I would’ve done. Simply feeling this way is a betrayal to both you and Jack. You should see the way he fawns over Alice. It would be so sweet if I didn’t want to tear out his throat to get to her.

>   I actually want to do that, Elise. At the thought of him being with her. When he touches her. I want to hurt him. It’s something animal and dark and unlike anything I’ve ever felt for Jack. Half of me wants to protect him and step aside so he can be with her, and the other half wants to kill him and claim her for mine.

  That’s crazy. None of this makes any sense. She isn’t mine. You were mine. I loved you. I still love you, Elise. I can’t love anyone else. My heart died with you.

  And yet… my heart is still beating, still being pulled to this silly, awkward girl. She is beautiful, not the way you were, but in a disarming way. She seems like she’d be plain, but then she smiles, and it lights up the whole room.

  But it doesn’t matter. I can’t love her. I’m not even capable. And even if I was, she’s in love with my brother – a brother who I care about more than I care for myself. Alice glows when she’s around him, like he’s a light that shines from inside her.

  What am I saying? This is all madness.

  I can’t be around her. For your sake, my sake, her sake, Jack’s sake. I need to leave. Jack would make her so much happier than I ever could. I could never even make you happy, Elise, and I loved you more than I had ever loved anything.

  I still love you. Why am I talking of our love in the past tense? When did I begin to do that? When did I put you behind me?

  I will not love this girl. I promise you that, Elise. I’ve already promised you that. You are my love, my true, my only.

  I will leave her. I will leave them all if I have to. Ezra has a family now. He needs me less than he used to, and if Jack had to choose between Alice and me, he would choose Alice.

  No, I don’t believe that. Jack would still choose me. He would stop seeing her if I asked him to. But I won’t do that. He deserves to be happy. I already had my chance at happiness, and I lost it. I can’t punish him for that.

  I will make Alice hate me, and I will learn to hate her. And she and Jack will be happy in a way that you and I never got to be.

  Eternally yours,

  Peter

  June 10, 2011

  Elise –

  After all these years, I finally have peace for you. Alice is onto something, and it might be my chance to rectify what happened to you. I will never forget you, never stop loving you, no matter what happens. But I will make it right.

  I know I’ve failed so many of my promises. I fell in love with Alice, the way I said I never would. But we’ve come to something different, something like an agreement, and I feel close to happiness. I’ve made peace with her choices, and I’ve found peace in my life.

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  But this I cannot forgive. Losing you will always remain the greatest tragedy of my life. And someone will answer for what they did.

  Peter