The Transylvania Twist: A dead funny romantic comedy (The Monster MASH Trilogy Book 2)

by Angie Fox

  Too bad I’d be driving myself crazy at the same time.

  Soap and towel in hand, I banged out the door.

  There weren’t many people out this morning, which meant it was late. Everyone was probably at work already or holed up until lunch.

  Good. No distractions. I’d get clean and go straight back to the lab.

  I’d almost made it to the showers when a goddess stepped into the path in front of me.

  She held a silver flame in her open palm, her arm bent, like a waitress holds a tray. An emerald barely there dress clung to her every curve. An array of tiny diamonds on invisible strings ornamented her neck and chest like a carpet of stars. They sparkled in the light of the silver flame.

  I glanced behind me, hoping, praying she was here for someone else, but we were alone.

  Silky blond curls cascaded down her back and curled over her shoulders. Her skin itself seemed to glow.

  “Finally,” she huffed. “I was beginning to think I couldn’t detect your presence in camp.”

  That wasn’t creepy or anything.

  “My apologies,” I said, trying to recall the formal language the goddesses preferred, wondering what in Hades she wanted with me, and frankly—wishing I’d been five minutes faster to the shower.

  She flipped her hair back. “So what was the little bitch wearing?”

  Er… “Who?” My mind raced. “Your goddess…ness?”

  “Nerthus,” she said, as if I’d hit my head on a rock. “My son said you met her.”

  So this was Eris, goddess of chaos.

  Lucky me.

  I wished with everything I had I could start walking again. Or that someone, anyone, would interrupt us. I didn’t want to get involved in a supernatural episode of Real Housewives. I was so close to a good dousing and a shampoo. But there was no way I was going to risk the goddess smiting me.

  She rolled her eyes. “Argus has four eyes and he can’t even tell me what Nerthus was wearing.”

  “Well…” Maybe we could make this quick. “It was this whitish, almost see-through dress, with these little webby things…”

  “Um-hum,” she said, waving her hand to hurry me along. “What was it made of, mortal?”

  Come on. Really?

  “Er…” My fashion statement most days consisted of scrubs.

  “Did it sparkle?” she demanded.

  “Maybe.” When you got right down to it, all goddesses tended to glow, and I’d honestly had my mind on other things. “It looked almost wet.” And painted on.

  “Evening dew,” she said as if it were obvious. “How unoriginal. She’s just got to play off the whole desert motif with a water theme.”

  “Right. Well, if you’ll excuse me,” I said, bowing, praying this freak would let me go.

  “No!”

  My heart leapt as she thrust out a hand.

  She glared daggers at something behind me. “Those peasants tried to get too close.”

  I looked back and saw a group of nurses giving her a wide berth. I wished I could do the same.

  Eris leaned in close enough for me to smell the sweet honeysuckle of her breath. “So who’s the secret transfer?”

  My temples began to pound and I fought the urge to take a step back. Marc? “I’m not sure it’s a secret, necessarily.”

  “Cut the crap. Who’s Nerthus after?”

  I’d make a horrible diplomat. “I’m not sure she’s after him exactly,” I said, trying to walk the line.

  Eris brushed me off. “That whore would do anything.” She frowned, then brightened in about one second flat. “So what does he look like?”

  This woman was going to get emotional whiplash.

  And had she looked in the mirror lately? She was a goddess. She didn’t need to be hot after some mortal captain just because some other goddess might think he was cute. “Aren’t you involved with someone?”

  She waved me off. “I’m always involved with someone.” She drew a few fingers along her collarbone. “So what’s he like?”

  Mine.

  I shifted my towel and shower supplies to the other arm. “I just met him. I don’t really know.”

  “I’m not even allowed up there,” she said, pouting in the general direction of the lab. She sneered, her voice going startlingly cold. “Argus forbid it.”

  The air between us iced over. I could see my breath. I clutched my soap and towel between us, as if that would help.

  Just like that, the chill vanished. She tilted her head. “Can you get me into the lab for a peek?”

  What, was she flirting? I could see her dress getting shorter, tighter; it hugged her breasts so that the thin, supple fabric left little to the imagination.

  Yeah, that wasn’t going to work on me.

  “I’ll have to ask my superiors,” I said, wishing I could buy her a clue.

  She didn’t need to be acting this way. She didn’t need to dress like a floozy for attention. It was ridiculous. She was the kind of girl who could be with the cutest guy at a party and still feel the need to flirt with every man in the room.

  She lowered her chin. “Get me a picture of the hot doc.”

  “Who?” I asked, just to be difficult.

  Eris was a goddess. Her skin glowed. She could probably go three years without a shower and still look perfect. She had the god of thunder and fertility for a boyfriend.

  “The mortal,” she said, twirling a finger around a golden curl. “What does he like?”

  I couldn’t resist the urge. “Fruit Stripe gum.” I was running low. “And Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups.” That one just came out. “Ooh…and Oreos,” I said, trying not to get too excited. “The kind with the double stuff.”

  Be careful.

  I’d said I didn’t know him well.

  What the hey. “He told me he’d kill for a Mo’s Pizza, extra-large with pepperoni and onion,” I said quickly before I lost my nerve.

  The goddess tilted her head. “Mo’s?”

  I adopted my clinical persona. “I think it’s some place in New Orleans. Topside. Nerthus doesn’t know anything about it,” I added, almost as an afterthought. But I knew.

  I knew.

  Her lips curled into a smile. “Go, mortal. Learn all you can about this captain.”

  “Anything you wish,” I said. But the goddess had already stalked away.

  Okeydokey. I wasn’t quite sure what to think about that. I couldn’t believe I’d just used Marc to get a pizza.

  My stomach growled at the thought of piping hot cheese, crispy crust.

  I was still thinking about it when I ducked into the shower tent.

  “It’s Petra,” a young nurse called, securing her pink towel under her arms. “What were you doing talking to a goddess?” she asked as she ducked out of the stall at the end.

  “Well, you know goddesses…” I said, praying it would drop.

  It did.

  “You look like you’ve been busy,” a supply clerk said, making it sound like I’d been out at the rocks for three days.

  I twisted the shower nozzle. Crisp, refreshing water cascaded over my head, my shoulders. “I’ve been working,” I said.

  “On that new doc in camp?” Her voice echoed against the water.

  “I heard he was a dragon,” the nurse said.

  “Um…I didn’t ask.” I hadn’t.

  Technically.

  “Did you see him walking through camp? He’s such a hunk.”

  I closed my eyes. Could I just have a minute of peace?

  “I know. I love the broody type,” the woman next to me said. “I shot him eyes and he didn’t even react.”

  Another one giggled. “You know he saw you.”

  I was sure he did. Marc didn’t miss anything. It was what made him such a good doctor, among other things.

  “So what’s he like, Petra? You looked kind of smug when you walked in here.”

  I’d been thinking about pizza.

  “Did you flirt with him?”

&nb
sp; “He’s my lab partner.”

  What was I supposed to tell her? He was my first love? That I was trying to convert him back into a friend?

  If anyone found out we’d ever been an item, he could be yanked from my project, smited, chained to a rock. The goddesses did not share very well.

  All I wanted was a long hot shower. Heck, I’d take a lukewarm one. I wanted to wash my hair five times and wallow under the water.

  And then maybe hope for that pizza.

  As for Marc, he was off the table.

  Chapter Twenty

  It was high noon by the time I dropped my shower stuff off at the hutch. Rodger was there, and if I wasn’t mistaken, he was unpacking more Star Wars figures.

  “You’ve got to be kidding me,” I said, dropping my shower kit on a pile of Jawas.

  “Petra!” Rodger leapt over the Millennium Falcon, as well as a good portion of the Rebel fleet, in order to rescue all the stuff he’d stashed—yet again—on my bed. At least he’d changed the sheets.

  I sat on a pile of T-shirts. “In case you haven’t noticed, this is my bed. My pillow.” I resisted the urge to toss it at his head. I might have spoiled Rodger with all those nights I’d spent in the lab, but… “If you think you’re going to make me sleep out there with Marc, you’re nuts.”

  “Marc is back?” Rodger’s bushy eyebrows shot up. He plopped down on the T-shirts next to me, Jawas forgotten. “I thought he was dead.”

  I gave him a sideways glance. “Marc is in my lab.”

  “I love this,” he said, gold-rimmed eyes twinkling.

  “No, there will be no loving in the lab. He’s leaving soon, and even if he wasn’t, he’s the worst possible man for me to get involved with.”

  Rodger shrugged. “Sounds like you’re already involved.”

  “You’re not being logical,” I told him.

  “Sure. That’s the problem,” he said, too amused for my taste.

  He didn’t get it. Marc wasn’t the same person I’d known in New Orleans. “He’s changed.” It wasn’t just the scar on his neck, or the burns on his chest; he was harder, not as trusting. He couldn’t open up. “He wants all of the fun and none of the feelings.”

  Rodger rested his elbows on his knees, considering it. “Are you saying this war hasn’t made you a little more guarded too?”

  I stood, grabbing for my jacket. “Can it, Rodger.”

  “I’m just saying you should give the guy a chance.”

  “I did.” Before he’d told me it was temporary. I dragged a comb through my hair before I left. “What do you know about relationships anyway?”

  “I’m in one.”

  “But it’s not a futile one,” I said, pointing the comb at him.

  Rodger sat, silent.

  Oh, darn. I tossed the comb onto my nightstand.

  I wanted to say something to make it better, but I didn’t know how. Sorry wouldn’t cut it.

  “I’ve got to get back.” I left the hutch and headed for the lab. I hadn’t done the best job combing, so I just ran my fingers through my hair as I walked.

  I felt awful for Rodger and his wife. They’d had a strong marriage, a true partnership. He was a homebody who loved his kids. Now he was reduced to writing letters. He’d never see them grow up, never get to kiss his wife goodnight or hear about her day…not until the mail arrived a month later.

  They were casualties of war, just like Marc and I had been.

  My stomach did a few flip-flops as I made my way up the hill through the cemetery. It was over between us. It wasn’t like I was going to fall for him. I’d told him we were just friends. If he pushed me, I’d stand my ground. I could do this.

  I just didn’t relish the idea of working so close to him.

  When I got to the lab, I was relieved to find Jeffe there. He and Marc sat outside in the sunshine, doing extractions.

  Of course Jeffe was there. It was Friday. I gave myself a mental shake. It hadn’t been on my radar with everything else going on.

  The sphinx held out one large paw as the venom from his claws dripped into the test tubes in Marc’s hands.

  Jeffe was in full question mode. “Yes, but if you had to choose a goddess, who would you choose?”

  Marc shrugged. He sat on a crate as he held the sphinx in position. “I told you. I’m not worthy of a goddess.”

  “Very clever.” The sphinx nodded. “Okay. Here’s one. Where were you transferred from?”

  He didn’t give an inch. “That’s classified.”

  “Hmm…very good.”

  Marc released him and the sphinx stood. “What is the average life span of a lobster?”

  He paused. “In the ocean or in a tank?”

  “The ocean,” Jeffe said, waiting for Marc’s response. The sphinx danced in place. “Did I get you?”

  “They can live more than a hundred years,” I said, thunking the sphinx on the head.

  Jeffe planted his butt back on the ground. “I was asking Captain Belanger.”

  “Yes,” I said, “but if he gets it wrong, we don’t want you honor-bound to eat him.”

  The sphinx scratched his chin with his free paw. “That is true.” He shook out his mane. “My apologies. It is just that I do not have my notes.”

  “Yeah, that explains it,” Marc said.

  Obviously, he hadn’t spent much time around sphinxes.

  “Those in the camp trust me to ask their questions,” Jeffe said. “I make detailed notes. I leave nothing to chance.”

  Marc held a sterile cloth over Jeffe’s paw while he deposited the test tubes in a holder. He caught my eye. “Father McArio came by. He brought us sandwiches.”

  “No, thank you,” Jeffe said, “it is taco salad night in the mess tent.”

  We let the sphinx go while I helped Marc clean up outside. I was almost tempted to follow Jeffe. I didn’t want to be alone with Marc, even if he was just my friend and this was purely a research project.

  Rodger said I’d changed. Maybe I had. But if so, it meant I was wiser, stronger. I knew better than to let Marc get to me.

  Merde. I was so tired of being on guard. I wanted just one day, one hour where I could take some comfort, bury myself in the crook of his arm, kiss him like I had when he’d arrived at my lab.

  “You’d better watch yourself,” I told Marc, retrieving a few of the Band-Aid wrappers that had fluttered out of the trash. “I ran into Eris down there, and she is all into you.”

  “I don’t even know an Eris,” he said, accepting them, wrapping the whole thing up for biowaste.

  “Nerthus does.”

  “This is worse than high school,” he muttered.

  Welcome to my world.

  He held the lab door open for me, and I hesitated.

  For heaven’s sake. I could do this. I could be alone with him. I was a doctor, not some randy teenager.

  I caught his eyes; he was watching me with a sort of puppy-dog look. He cleared his throat. “I think you were really close with the peracetic acid,” he said.

  “Interesting,” I said, watching him. This was bad. I was going to have to be the strong one, or we wouldn’t last the night.

  “Peracetic acid isn’t our answer,” he went on, “but milder seems to be better.”

  “I wouldn’t have thought it.”

  Sphinx venom was designed to quickly overtake an entire nervous system. It obliterated anything I’d tried to use to dilute it. Which was why I’d assumed stronger was better.

  “Are you going to go inside?” he asked, still holding the door.

  Right.

  When I entered, I saw he’d rearranged the two lab tables. Anger flashed through me before I realized why he’d done it. We had a new lab oven to sterilize our equipment, and a washing station.

  “Believe me, I thought twice about touching your things,” he said as he watched me survey his changes. He’d moved both worktables to the back, which was technically more efficient.

  “Where’d you get all this?
”

  “Nerthus.”

  Of course. He’d gotten us new battery-operated burners, real cooling racks. His new layout was also more practical. There was more room to move too, which didn’t explain why Marc and I stood so close.

  He cleared his throat. “I know it’s not mine.”

  “It’s okay,” I said, finding my voice. “I like it.”

  He was too close.

  I wanted to be mad, not because I felt it, but because it would put some distance between us. I was used to owning my anger. Now I was afraid of it. I didn’t have a tight enough hold. Letting loose around this man could open me up to, well, his tongue in my ear in my newly redesigned lab.

  I stepped back, almost stumbling in my haste to get away. “So have you found anything interesting?” I asked, heading for his notes on my desk.

  He’d worked through the rest of my top ten list of solvents. All of them had been too harsh. Ugh.

  I took a seat on my stool. Leaning back against the rough wood, I braced the papers on my knee and paged through the progress he’d made overnight. He was good. His work was thorough, precise.

  He’d finished the ethanol testing and managed to rule out diesel fuel and liquid hydrogen. He’d worked fast. Of course, the new equipment hadn’t hurt. “I could kiss you,” I said under my breath. “Ouch.” I lifted my head. “Sorry.” It was a dumb thing to say.

  At least he looked as miserable as me. “I’ve worked with highly volatile neurotoxins before. But nothing like this.”

  “Yes,” I said, examining the notes, forcing myself to focus. “We’re going to have to switch directions on this.” It was frustrating. “We’re losing time.”

  “It’s not good news. I know.” He stood his ground. “I have to admit, it’s nice to be working on something good for a change.”

  True. His old project terrified me. As much as I didn’t want him so close, with me, we were doing good. And it was better than having him at work on that killer weapon. I turned to face him. “How close do you think they are to finishing?”

  He shook his head. “It’s impossible to say. Dr. Keller talked about needing a pathway.” The lantern light played off his features, making him look even more stark, mesmerizing. “The toxin acts like a virus. The good thing is that once it’s inside the body, it’s not replicating fast enough to overtake someone’s system.”