Night of the Living Ted

by Barry Hutchison

  The figure had almost reached the front door when a voice shouted from the living room.

  “Vernon, is that you?”

  Vernon groaned. So close. He’d been so close.

  “Yeah, it’s me,” he said. With a final longing glance at the front door, he poked his head into the living-room.

  Mum was at the coffee table, tipping tasty-looking coloured sweets into a big bowl. Vernon’s stepdad, Steve, was kneeling on the floor in front of Lisa Marie, helping her get dressed up as… Actually, what was she getting dressed up as? With her grey hair and brown suit, she looked more like an old man than some horrifying Halloween monster.

  “Forget you were taking Lisa Marie out, did you?” Mum said, smiling in a way that suggested she already knew the answer to that.

  “Aw, yeah, I did forget,” Vernon lied, his words coming out slurred because of his plastic vampire teeth. He spat them into his hand. “I’ve arranged to meet up with the guys. Sorry.”

  “Well Lisa Marie’s friends are away, so she’s got no one to go with.”

  “I’ll be fine on my own,” said Lisa Marie.

  “No way,” said Dad, tucking one of her bunches up under her wig. “You’re not going trick or treating on your own.”

  “But I said I’d meet the guys!” Vernon protested.

  “Well far be it for us to stop you meeting your friends,” said Mum.

  Vernon reeled in surprise. “Really? Awesome! Thanks, Mum.”

  She smirked. “But you’re taking your sister with you.”

  “I am so sick of babysitting you all the time, you know that?”

  Lisa Marie trotted along the road, trying to keep up with Vernon’s much longer strides. “I know.”

  “I’ve got things to do,” Vernon grumbled. “I shouldn’t be stuck looking after… Looking after…” He stopped and studied his stepsister’s costume. “What exactly are you supposed to be, anyway?”

  “Thomas Edison,” beamed Lisa Marie, smoothing down her grey wig. “He invented the light bulb.”

  Vernon shook his head and continued walking. “It’s Halloween.” He sighed. “You’re supposed to be something scary.”

  “You don’t have to be something scary,” Lisa Marie replied.

  “Yes you do! That’s the whole point! Why do you think I’m dressed as Dracula?”

  “Um… Because you always go as Dracula?” Lisa Marie guessed.

  “Exactly!” Vernon cried. “Because you’re supposed to go as something scary! I’m a vampire. I’m a terrifying, un-killable monster!”

  “You can kill a vampire,” Lisa Marie countered.

  “What? No you can’t!”

  “A stake through the heart kills a vampire. One quick jab in the chest with a sharp piece of wood does the trick. According to Bram Stoker, anyway.”

  “Who?”

  “Bram Stoker. He wrote Dracula,” Lisa Marie explained. “Some people think fire kills them too, although there’s some debate about it. They think it kills vampires, I mean, not authors.” She considered this. “But probably authors as well.”

  Vernon shook his head in despair and looked Lisa Marie up and down. He was dressed as the most evil vampire who had ever lived; she was an old man in a brown suit. She looked ridiculous.

  “Anyway, if Edison hadn’t invented the light bulb, then it’d be dark all the time,” said Lisa Marie. She gave a shudder. “Now that would be scary!”

  Vernon sighed. “Is he dead? The guy you’re supposed to be?”

  “Thomas Edison,” said Lisa Marie. “Yes, he is.”

  “Good, you can be his ghost, then. If anyone asks, you’re Thomas Wotsisname’s ghost, OK?”

  Lisa Marie shrugged. “OK.”

  “Right, then.” Vernon stuck in his plastic fangs and turned up the path of the first house on his carefully planned route. “Let’s go get some sweets!”

  Two hours later, their bags filled to bursting with nuts, apples and all kinds of confectionary, Vernon and Lisa Marie headed for home.

  “If I drop you off now I can probably still meet up with the guys,” Vernon muttered. “Maybe – just maybe – you won’t have completely ruined my night.”

  Lisa Marie nodded, but didn’t reply. They walked on in silence for a few moments. All around them, the sounds of laughter and Halloween high jinks echoed from distant streets.

  “Thanks for this,” Lisa Marie said.

  “For what?”

  “For taking me out. I know you didn’t want to.”

  “Oh.” Vernon shrugged. “Whatever.”

  “And thanks for letting us get Bearvis too. Mum says Dad will love him. She’s wrapped the box and put it in the living-room cupboard so we can surprise him with it tomorrow.”

  Vernon nodded. “Right.”

  “I told her you insisted we buy it,” Lisa Marie continued. “And that you didn’t get any change. She was so impressed I think she’s going to give you extra pocket money.”

  “Why did you tell her that?” asked Vernon.

  “Because you’re my brother.” Lisa Marie shrugged. “And I know you wanted that money.”

  “I’m not your…” Vernon began but then stopped when he saw the sad look dart fleetingly across her face. He sighed.

  “You know something?” he said. “Sometimes, I suppose you’re actually…”

  Lisa Marie waited for him to finish the sentence. “I’m what?” she asked at last.

  “Uh, nothing. Shut up,” Vernon said, his voice dropping to a whisper.

  “What? Why?”

  “All right, Vern?” called a red-faced demon. He was stalking along the street towards them, a pack of zombies and skeletons following close behind.

  “Oh, of course.” Lisa Marie sighed. “Better not say anything nice to me in front of your friends. Whatever would they think?”

  “All right, Drake?” grinned Vernon, a bit too enthusiastically for it to be natural.

  “Not bad, Vern, not bad,” Drake replied. He snatched Lisa Marie’s bag from her and peered inside. “Nice haul,” he said, nodding his approval.

  “Hey! Give that back!” Lisa Marie cried.

  “No chance,” hissed Drake. “Go home, little girl. This is mine now.” Behind him, his gang giggled like hungry hyenas.

  “But I spent all night collecting that!”

  “That,” said Drake, unwrapping a sweet and popping it in his mouth, “is your problem, not mine.”

  Lisa Marie looked up at her brother. “Vernon, tell him!” she pleaded. “He’s taking my treats!”

  Vernon opened his mouth to say something but when he saw the expression on Drake’s face, he felt his mouth go dry. When he spoke, he could barely hide the tremble in his voice. “You heard him, Lisa Marie,” he said. “Go home.”

  Lisa Marie stared at Vernon for a few moments, too shocked to move. Around her, the sound of the gang’s laughter seemed impossibly loud.

  “Come on, let’s go egg old Grindley’s house,” Drake announced. He turned and began to march off, Lisa Marie already forgotten.

  Vernon moved to follow, then stopped. He looked down at his bag of sweets, then back at his sister. Without a word, he thrust the bag at her. Vernon smiled weakly as she took it, then scampered off after Drake and the others.

  A few hours later, when everyone was tucked up for the night, Lisa Marie lay curled in her bed, watching the hands of her clock creep round, and listening to the faint hum of her nightlight.

  There was only a minute until midnight – one minute left of Halloween – and she still couldn’t get to sleep. She hated not being able to sleep. It usually meant she was cranky all the next day, and she didn’t want to be cranky on Dad’s birthday.

  As the final few moments of Halloween drained away, Lisa Marie yawned, shut her eyes tight and cuddled Henrietta, her new bear. Even dressed as a witch, the teddy looked adorable. Not like Vernon’s bear. For a soft toy, it had been terrifying, and Vernon had actually seemed quite proud of it right up until the point he’d t
ossed it into his bedroom and made Lisa Marie promise never to tell anyone he’d made it.

  Henrietta felt oddly warm, like a hot-water bottle, as Lisa Marie snuggled her in close.

  And then, with just one second to go until midnight, Lisa Marie finally drifted off to sleep, blissfully unaware of the horrors she was about to encounter.

  THUMP.

  Lisa Marie flicked open her eyes, but otherwise didn’t move a muscle. She was facing the clock on her bedside table, and saw that its hands now pointed to quarter past twelve. She’d been asleep for only fifteen minutes, so why had she woken up?

  THUMP.

  Her breath caught at the back of her throat. Something was in the room with her, moving around. Usually, Lisa Marie was a sensible girl, but right there and then, she could think only one thing: monsters!

  She shut her eyes so tightly that she could see colours dancing behind them, and hugged Henrietta harder than ever.

  Or at least she tried to, but the teddy was no longer in her arms. The witch bear must’ve fallen out of bed while Lisa Marie had been asleep.

  THUMP.

  This time, she felt the bed itself shake. She gave a little gasp of shock as her duvet began to move. Someone was pulling it down towards the bottom of the bed!

  Quickly, Lisa Marie sat upright. She opened her mouth to scream, but her throat was blocked by terror, and no sound came out. She gaped down at the end of the bed, unsure what she’d see in the glow of her nightlight, but fearing it would be something terrible.

  Instead, what she saw was … nothing at all. Everything looked just as it had done before she’d fallen asleep. The neat stack of clothes. The chess board. The alphabetically arranged bookshelves. Her room was just her room, with not a monster in sight.

  Lisa Marie shook herself – she was being silly. Monsters weren’t real, everyone knew that. And yet something had pulled down her duvet.

  There was nothing else for it – she had to go and investigate. If she was going to be able to get back to sleep, she had to get up and check the end of her bed.

  “There’s nothing there,” she whispered to herself as she took her glasses from the bedside table and slipped them on. She swung her bare feet down on to the floor, her heart thudding in her chest like a bass drum. B-BOOM. B-BOOM. B-BOOM.

  Clenching her hands into tight, sweaty fists, Lisa Marie tiptoed to the bottom of her bed, and cautiously peered down at the floor. A familiar figure lay limply on the floor, smiling up at her.

  “Henrietta,” Lisa Marie whispered, the word coming out like a giggle of relief. She bent down and scooped up the bear. “How did you get so far out of bed?”

  Henrietta’s green face suddenly twisted into an angry snarl. “How d’you think?” she growled. The witch bear brought its tiny broomstick up and whacked Lisa Marie on the head with the wooden end. “I flew, stupid!”

  Startled, Lisa Marie released her grip on the bear. Henrietta dropped to the floor and quickly shot under the bed, out of sight.

  Lisa Marie stood there, frozen in shock. Common sense told her she had to be dreaming, but the bruise she could feel forming on her forehead told her she was very much awake. There was only one way to know for sure which was correct.

  Slowly, she bent down and peered into the darkness beneath the wooden bed frame. She could see another stack of books, a marble and the roller skates she’d been looking for all week, but there was no sign of Henrietta. Maybe this was a dream, after all.

  With a whoosh, a green and black shape exploded from beneath the bed, slicing through the air on a flying broomstick. Henrietta cackled loudly as she swooped around the room, banking and curving to avoid hitting the ceiling and walls.

  “Such a nice girl. Such a tidy girl,” the bear sneered. “That won’t do at all!”

  The witch bear reached into her cloak and produced her miniature magic wand. With a flick of her wrist, she sent a bolt of blue energy crackling across the room. As it hit Lisa Marie’s bookcase, the books began to launch themselves off the shelves one after the other. They flapped frantically for a few moments, before gravity brought them thumping down on to the floor.

  “My books!” Lisa Marie cried. “Not my books!”

  Henrietta’s furry face sneered. “Oh, not my precious books!” she cackled wickedly. “If you think that’s bad, just wait and see what I’m going to do to all your stupid science sets!”

  “Don’t you dare!” Lisa Marie yelped, then she spun round as the door to her bedroom was thrown open. Mum and Dad stood in the doorway, looking a bit sleepy and a lot cross.

  “Lisa Marie,” snapped Dad. “What on earth is all the noise ab—?”

  A bolt of magical energy shot from Henrietta’s wand and hit Dad on the chest of his checked pyjamas. His whole body seemed to light up for a fraction of a second, then he was lost in a cloud of smoke.

  When the cloud cleared, only his slippers remained. As a terror-stricken Mum and Lisa Marie watched on, a tiny green frog hopped from one of the slippers, looked down at its new body and gave quite a sad-sounding “Ribbit”.

  “And for my next trick…” shrieked Henrietta. She spun upside down on her broomstick to avoid the light shade, and launched another magical bolt at Mum.

  One flash of light and a puff of smoke later, and Mum too had gone. In her place sat a fat, juicy slug. The slug slowly turned its slimy head to look up at the frog. The frog gazed down at the slug. Although Lisa Marie had very little experience of reading the facial expression of frogs, she thought this one was starting to look quite hungry.

  “Change them back!” ordered Lisa Marie. “Change them back right now!”

  “Oh, I don’t think so, my pretty!” roared Henrietta. “Now they’re like this, they won’t be able to stop me robbing the place.”

  She banked sharply and swooped towards Lisa Marie. The witch bear’s eyes glowed a spooky shade of green as she took aim with her wand. “And in a moment, neither will you!”

  Lisa Marie dropped to her knees, barely avoiding a bright blue blast of magic. Behind her, her dressing table found itself suddenly transformed into a very small, very confused guinea pig. It paused for a moment, glanced at its surroundings, then quietly began eating the carpet.

  As Henrietta swung round for another attack, Lisa Marie made her move. She rolled forwards, scooping up the frog with one hand and the slug with the other. They both felt disgusting against her skin, but there was no time to worry about that.

  Stumbling, she ran from her room and into Vernon’s, which was directly across the landing. Hooking her leg around Vernon’s door, she slammed it shut behind her.

  A second later, she heard a thud and a muffled “Ooyah!” as Henrietta crashed hard against the solid wood.

  Vernon was still asleep, snoring softly. Lisa Marie shook her head. That boy could sleep through anything.

  “Wake up,” she hissed, giving him a gentle kick. “Vernon, wake up!”

  “Wha—?” Vernon muttered. He half opened one eye. “Wha’ you doin’?” he slurred. “G’back t’sleep.”

  “Look!” Lisa Marie cried. She held out the frog so it was right next to his face. It looked up at him, lazily licking its own eyeballs.

  Vernon screamed and leaped out of bed. “Get it away! Get it away!” he yelped. “Why’ve you brought a frog into my room, you weirdo? Mum! Steve!”

  “This is Steve! Dad, I mean,” Lisa Marie told him. She held out the slug. “And this is Mum.”

  Vernon looked at the frog. He looked at the slug. He looked at his stepsister. “You’re nuts,” he said at last. “You’re out of your mind.” Shaking his head, he made for the bedroom door. “I’m telling Mum.”

  “DON’T OPEN THE DOOR!”

  Something in Lisa Marie’s voice made Vernon stop. He stood there, his hand resting on the door handle. “Why not?”

  “Because my Halloween teddy bear is out there,” squeaked Lisa Marie. “And it’s alive!” She stepped closer to her stepbrother. He was looking at her, his eyes w
ide and staring. “I know you probably don’t believe me, but please trust me, you’ve … you’ve …”

  She studied Vernon’s face and realized that he wasn’t looking at her at all. He was looking past her, at something across the room.

  Lisa Marie turned, following Vernon’s gaze. Her stepbrother’s Halloween costume lay in a crumpled heap on the floor. Nothing unusual there. ‘Crumpled Heap’ was Vernon’s normal method of storing his clothes. What was unusual about this particular crumpled heap was that it was moving.

  “What’s under there?” Lisa Marie whispered.

  Vernon shook his head, unable to believe what he was seeing. “The teddy,” he whimpered. “That stupid teddy I made at the shop.”

  “It must be alive too!” Lisa Marie gasped.

  “Shut up. It can’t be,” Vernon muttered. “It… It…” His voice trailed off as he remembered exactly what he’d made in the Create-a-Ted shop.

  He would be the first to admit he’d got a little carried away when building his free Halloween bear. The armful of items he’d selected had contained a whole range of monster parts. He’d started off making a vampire, then added a dash of zombie, a smidgen of demon, and several other pieces from a few of the scarier costumes. He’d mixed and matched them all to create the most terrifying teddy bear the world had ever seen.

  The teddy bear that was now under his Halloween costume.

  Moving.

  “N-no,” he stammered. “It can’t be alive. It can’t!”

  Rrrrrip! The children leaped back as the vampire cape was torn in two. A set of curved werewolf claws emerged from within the dark folds of the cloak, followed a moment later by a hideous, fur-covered head.

  “Whoa!” cried the teddy bear as it pulled itself free. It stumbled across to Vernon’s full-length mirror and studied its reflection, barely paying the children the slightest bit of attention.

  The bear bent this way and that, checking itself out. Vernon really had gone wild with the accessories. Two demon horns poked out from the bear’s furry forehead. Its cheeks were sunken and rotting, like the undead flesh of a zombie. Glowing red eyes and yellowing vampire teeth completed a face that Lisa Marie knew would appear in every one of her future nightmares.