Uncle John’s 24-Karat Gold Bathroom Reader®

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  What’s less well known about Henry Ford is how close he came to destroying the Ford Motor Company in the later years of his life. The only reason you can still buy a Ford today is that other members of the Ford family were able to wrest control of the failing company away from him before it collapsed entirely.

  MR. T

  Ironically, it was Henry Ford’s obsession with the Model T, his greatest success, that initially set the Ford Motor Company on the road to ruin. Ford introduced the Model T in 1908 and for nearly 20 years fought every attempt to improve it or to replace it with something better. For many years Model Ts had no gas gauge. If you wanted to know how much fuel was in your car, you had to dip a stick into the gas tank. They had no electric starter, either. You started a Model T by turning a hand crank on the front of the car. And they had no gas pedals. You controlled the speed with a throttle that was located on the steering column.

  Even when Henry Ford did give in and make improvements, he did so several years after his competitors. Result: By the mid-1920s, the Model T was hopelessly outdated. For years Ford had terrorized every other auto company as he dropped the price of the Model T ever lower, from $825 in 1908 all the way down to $290 in 1924. But his refusal to update the car gave General Motors and other competitors the opening they needed. More than one automaker battled its way back from the brink just by adding improvements to their cars that Henry Ford refused to add to his.

  No joke: Abbott & Costello once raised $89 million for World War II bonds in just 3 days.

  Ford finally announced in mid-1927 that it was ending production of the Model T in favor of the much improved Model A, but the change came too late. That year Ford sold fewer cars than Chevrolet, GM’s largest division. Strong sales of the Model A did put Ford back in first place in 1929...but only for a year, and by 1933 it was in third place, behind both Chevrolet and Chrysler.

  TROUBLE UNDER THE HOOD

  By the early 1930s, the company itself was as decrepit as the Model T. It had taken Ford six months to retool its factories to manufacture the Model A, and the disruption cost the company $250 million—the equivalent of about $3 billion today. GM, by comparison, could retool its manufacturing plants in six weeks.

  Ford’s network of independent dealers was also a mess. Years of being forced to sell obsolete Model Ts on a cash-only basis (Henry Ford didn’t believe in auto loans) had caused many Ford dealers to go under; others had abandoned Ford to become GM or Chrysler dealers. Many who did remain loyal to Ford were driven out of business by Henry Ford himself when they failed to meet the company’s unrealistic sales targets.

  The biggest problem of all was the Ford executive suite. The company was wholly owned by the Ford family, and executives who were not family members already knew they’d never hold the top job. Henry Ford made matters much worse by firing any executive who showed even a hint of independence or initiative. The most talented Ford executives soon became ex-Ford executives, working for GM, Chrysler, or other auto companies, and driven by the desire to get even with Ford.

  THE HEIR

  About the only top executive who didn’t leave was the one who couldn’t: Edsel Ford, Henry’s only child. Edsel had been the company’s president since 1919, but he was president in name only. Though Henry held no title and liked to say his only responsibility was to “let Edsel find something for me to do,” he was firmly in control.

  Houses most likely to hand out Kit-Kats on Halloween: ones with black shutters.

  TOUGH LOVE

  If anything, Henry Ford’s ideas for how to work with Edsel were even more peculiar than his ideas about how to run an auto company. Edsel was a dutiful son, but Henry saw this as a weakness. He blamed himself for being soft on Edsel when he was growing up, and he believed the best way to toughen up the boy was to deliberately sabotage him as he tried to run the company. Henry routinely belittled Edsel in front of other executives, once shouting, “Edsel, you shut up!” after Edsel dared suggest in a board meeting that Fords should have modern hydraulic brakes. When Edsel decided to build coke ovens to process coal for steel production at a Ford plant, Henry feigned agreement even as he whispered to an aide, “as soon as Edsel gets those ovens built, I’m going to tear them down.” The ovens were built. Henry tore them down.

  When Edsel commissioned a new office building to house the company’s accountants and sales staff, Henry cancelled the building, fired the accountants (he hated accountants), abolished the accounting department, and had its offices stripped bare. Then he told Edsel to put the salespeople where the accountants had been. Without any accountants to assist with bookkeeping, some departments were reduced to weighing stacks of invoices as a means of estimating their costs.

  Henry’s meddling in his son’s affairs didn’t stop at the end of the business day. He even paid Edsel’s domestic servants to spy on their employer. Once, when they told Henry, an outspoken teetotaler, that Edsel had liquor in his home, Henry went there while Edsel was away on business and smashed every bottle.

  OUT OF GAS

  “There was a twisted collusion in the sad game that father and son were to play throughout the 1920s and 1930s, and its cruelest twist was that time did not heal the process, it made it worse,” Robert Lacey writes in Ford: The Men and the Machine. “The more Edsel submitted, the more his father hurt him, and the more the boy was wounded, the more submissive he became.”

  Edsel had joined the company straight out of school in 1913,when he was 20, and silently endured his father’s cruelty for 30 years. In the 1930s, he began to develop ulcers, which Henry (of course) attributed to weakness. “Regain health by cooperating with Henry Ford” were Henry Ford’s instructions to his son.

  A housefly’s taste buds (located on its feet) are 10 million times as sensitive as yours.

  Edsel’s stomach problems worsened, but he put off medical tests for more than a year. When he finally went to the doctor, he was diagnosed with stomach cancer that had spread to his liver and other organs. After surgery to remove half his stomach, Edsel (who was never told he had cancer) returned to work. Henry continued to belittle and undermine him until the very end. By the end of April 1943, Edsel could not go on. He took to his bed and died four weeks later at the age of 49.

  HIS OWN WORLD

  Henry Ford named himself as president of the Ford Motor Company after Edsel’s death. Only months away from turning 80, he too was a sick man. He’d had strokes in 1938 and 1941 and was suffering from memory lapses, slowed speech and movement, and other signs of encroaching senility.

  Many old men like to live in the past; Ford reconstructed his in bricks and mortar. When he was in his early sixties he’d had a 19th-century village and museum called Greenfield Village built in the countryside northwest of Dearborn, Michigan. Now, as his faculties began to fail him, Ford spent more and more time wandering around his ersatz village instead of attending to business.

  Ford became convinced that his teenaged niece, Dorothy Richardson, was his own mother reincarnated. Mary Ford had died in 1876, when Henry was only 13, and hadn’t lived to see the automobile age. Henry made up for lost time by dressing Dorothy in period clothes similar to those he remembered his mother wearing, and teaching her how to drive a Ford—his way of showing his mother what he’d made of himself.

  ALL THIS AND WORLD WAR II

  That the Ford Motor Company was a dysfunctional, failing enterprise led by a dysfunctional, failing autocrat would have been bad enough in the best of times. But this was 1943, and the U.S. had been at war since the bombing of Pearl Harbor in 1941. Civilian automobile production was suspended in 1942, and now the Ford plants were busy manufacturing jeeps, planes, and other matériel for the war effort. The switch from cars to war production had taken place while Edsel was still alive, and it had been chaotic. By 1943 production at Ford’s B-24 bomber plant was six months behind schedule, and the federal government had no faith in Henry Ford’s ability to turn things around. The government even considered seizing control of the
Ford Motor Company and running it itself.

  That idea was rejected in favor of discharging Edsel Ford’s oldest son, 25-year-old Henry Ford II, from the Navy so that he could help his grandfather run the company. Henry II left the Navy as requested, but old Henry didn’t have any more faith in his grandson than he’d had in Edsel. Locked out of Edsel’s old offices, Henry II spent the war years wandering from one Ford department to the next and quizzing employees on how they did their jobs.

  Did cookies wear them down? Cookie Monster originally had pointy teeth.

  THE TROUBLE WITH HARRY

  The expectation among Ford family members was that when Henry died, Henry II would become president. That expectation was shattered in 1944 when it was discovered that old Henry had added a codicil—an extra provision—to his will, saying that for 10 years after his death, the Ford Motor Company would have no president. It would instead be run by the board of directors, with one of the directors, a man named Harry Bennett, serving as secretary.

  The codicil was Bennett’s idea. “My Harry,” as Henry liked to call him, was the old man’s best friend and the only person in the company he trusted. Bennett was the head of the Ford Service Department, the 3,000-man internal police force that Henry created to battle union agitators and maintain order in his factories. Bennett knew nothing about running an auto company; it was through scheming and brown-nosing that he had risen to become Henry Ford’s right-hand man, wielding more influence than Edsel Ford. Indeed, Bennett was often the one who instigated, and then executed, Henry’s orders to sabotage Edsel’s work.

  Now that Edsel was dead and old Henry was failing, Bennett’s skill at manipulating the boss had made him the most powerful man in the company. He was also the most hated man, and no one hated him more than the rest of the Ford family. “Who is this man Bennett, who has so much control over my husband, and is ruining my son’s health?” Henry’s wife Clara had asked back in 1941.

  Veggie kin: Carrots, parsley, and celery are all members of the same plant family.

  Bennett burned the codicil to old Henry’s will as soon as it was discovered, but the battle for the Ford Motor Company was on. Edsel’s widow Eleanor now controlled Edsel’s 41.9 percent share of the company’s voting stock, and she threatened to sell her shares if Bennett succeeded in denying Henry II the presidency. “He killed my husband, and he’s not going to kill my son,” she vowed.

  In April 1944, Henry II maneuvered to have himself named executive vice-president of the company, which made him superior to Harry Bennett...on paper. Bennett was still too powerful to confront directly, but Henry II used his new position to fire Bennett’s cronies as he built his own alliances with people he trusted.

  GRANDMA’S GIFT

  In the end it may have been Henry’s wife, Clara Ford, who did the most to save the Ford Motor Company from ruin. As Henry slid deeper into senility, Clara ordered that when Harry Bennett called the house, he was to be told that her husband was not home. Cut off from the boss, Bennett was powerless to retaliate against Henry II as he fired one Bennett loyalist after another.

  Clara’s biggest contribution to the battle came when she spent the summer of 1945 gently persuading her husband to give up control of the company and let Henry II take the reins. Finally, on September 20, 1945, he gave in and told Henry II that the job was his. Wasting no time, Henry II scheduled a meeting of the board of directors the next morning. As soon as he was appointed president, Henry II marched into Bennett’s office and fired him.

  A NEW FORD

  Before assuming the presidency of Ford, the largest organization Henry Ford II had ever managed was the Yale University rowing team. Yet in the years that followed, he proved himself a worthy successor to his grandfather as he remade Ford into a modern, successful auto company. When Henry II retired in 1982 at age 65, the Ford Motor Company faced difficult new challenges as it struggled with quality-control problems and declining sales in the face of surging Japanese imports. That the company even survived long enough to face these threats, after many observers had declared it dead in the 1940s, may be Henry Ford II’s greatest accomplishment of all.

  Last state to secede from the Union during the Civil War (and the 1st readmitted): Tennessee.

  UNCLE JOHN’S

  STALL OF SHAME

  Not everyone who makes it into the Stall of Fame is there for a good reason. That’s why Uncle John created the “Stall of Shame.”

  Dubious Achiever: Steve Trendell, an officer with London’s Metropolitan Police force

  Claim to Shame: Spending too much time in the bathroom. Lots of bathrooms, actually.

  True Story: Trendell, 30, missed a lot of work because of a bad back. Over an 18-month period between 2004 and 2006, he took 246 days of sick leave and spent another 130 days on “recuperative duty.” He worked only 71 regular days during the entire period, and for a time even lived in a police rest home. Trendell’s excuse: a bad back. But when the police department received a tip that his health troubles weren’t as serious as he claimed, it placed him under surveillance...and discovered he was running a bathroom contracting business during the hours he was supposedly too disabled to work. (He was pretty brazen about it, too, even parking his company van in front of the rest home.)

  Outcome: Trendell was arrested and charged with obtaining sick pay under false pretenses. He resigned from the force, pled guilty to two criminal counts of deception, and received a suspended six-month sentence and 250 hours of community service. (No word on whether he still installs bathrooms.)

  Dubious Achievers: Inmates at the Maguire Correctional Center in Redwood City, California

  Claim to Shame: Trying to stick it to San Mateo County taxpayers by flushing anything and everything down jailhouse toilets

  True Story: In January 2008, the South Bayside System Authority, which provides sewer service to the jail, sued San Mateo County for more than $8 million in compensation for the damage that jail inmates had inflicted on sewer system pumps and other equipment by flushing socks, boxer shorts, shampoo bottles, bath towels, hair-brushes, garbage bags, and other seemingly unflushable items down their toilets as a way of rebelling against the prison. (How does the sewer authority know all that stuff is coming from the correctional facility? The inmates flushed their jailhouse jumpsuits down the toilets too.)

  Screenplay-writing rule: 1 page of script equals 1 minute of screen time.

  Outcome: The county settled the lawsuit for $2.3 million. The jail is tightening its inventory control to stop inmates from flushing so much stuff down their toilets. The sewer authority installed new grates to keep the trash away from sensitive equipment and hired two additional staffers to rake the trash off the grates several times a day. “It’s a jail population,” says deputy county counsel Porter Goltz. “What they flush down the toilet is sometimes difficult for us to monitor.”

  Dubious Achiever: Warren Saunders, 60, of Westwood, New Jersey

  Claim to Shame: Taking “TP-ing” to new heights

  True Story: One evening in October 2010, some students at Westwood Middle School were at soccer practice when an airplane passing overhead dropped two small objects on the field, then circled around and dropped a third object on the field before flying away. In a more innocent age, such odd behavior might not have been so frightening, but this was post-9/11 New Jersey. Some of the students called police, who traced the suspicious activity back to Saunders, a pilot who owns his own airplane. Saunders admitted tossing the objects—rolls of toilet paper—out of his plane onto the field. Why did he do it? Westwood Regional High School’s football team was scheduled to play Mahwah High School that weekend in a game that would decide which team advanced to the playoffs. Saunders, a Westwood High fan, wanted to show his spirit by dropping streamers on the field at the start of the game. The toilet paper “attack” at the middle school was a practice run. (He says it was difficult to see in the evening light, and he did not realize there were kids on the field.)

  Outcome: Sau
nders was facing 18 months in the slammer for one count of fourth-degree acrobatic flying over a populated area, but he got off with a year’s probation and agreed to write a letter of apology to everyone involved. “I take full responsibility for my ill-conceived and, in hindsight, misguided idea of dropping toilet paper from my airplane,” he wrote.

  A cockroach can change directions up to 25 times in a second.

  Dubious Achiever: Dwayne “Shorty” Davis, 51, Maryland businessman and owner of Shorty’s Underground Pit Beef Shack

  Claim to Shame: Taking his toilet-themed activism a little too far

  True Story: Davis has a history of protesting against government agencies and officials he doesn’t like. How? By decorating toilets with photographs, illustrations, news clippings, handwritten notes, and other items, and then depositing the fixtures in front of government buildings and other public places. In February 2011, Davis left a toilet on the sidewalk in front of the historic Baltimore County Courthouse in Towson, Maryland. This time, however, his decorations included a cell phone and a radio transmitter...and that made police suspect the toilet might be a bomb. Several streets were closed off while the bomb squad investigated. So what gave Davis away? He actually left photos of himself and a note with his home address inside the toilet. He initially denied involvement, but in a Facebook post made around the time the fixture was discovered, he wrote “Left my Toilet at the Baltimore Courthouse.”

  Outcome: At last report Davis was awaiting trial on two counts relating to the bomb scare. “Jesus had a cross. Martin Luther King had a dream. Malcolm X had a gun. Shorty got a toilet, but we all have our s**t to deal with,” he told a TV reporter.