by Jaci Burton
Jackson looked up at Rafe, the pain of almost losing him that night still fresh, even though it had been years. “But we almost didn’t. And it’s all my fault.”
“No, it’s not.”
“Yeah, it is. Don’t you remember? You guys didn’t want to go into that house. I made you.”
Kal frowned. “I don’t remember that.”
“Rafe, you said the house looked unsafe, like it could fall down on top of us. Kal, you said it looked haunted and you’d started to cry. And I was pissed because we had food to eat and I’d found this great spot for us to get out of the rain and neither one of you wanted to go inside.”
Rafe dragged his fingers through his hair. “We were kids, Jackson. We were always complaining.”
“But that’s the thing. I made you go in. You getting trapped in that fire was my fault.”
Kal came over and sat next to him. “No, it wasn’t. You can’t blame yourself for that.”
“But I do. If it wasn’t for Dad finding us, I might have lost both of you.”
“Jesus, Jackson,” Kal said. “That’s a heavy load to bear. Why didn’t you ever talk to us about it?”
He shrugged. “I never wanted to think about it again. I was just damn happy we got out.”
“So were we,” Rafe said. “But Kal and I never blamed you for choosing that house. It was just circumstance.”
“Kal’s right,” Rafe said. “You’re our brother. No one took better care of us than you did.”
“I didn’t that night.”
“Bullshit.” Rafe glared at him. “Don’t you ever blame yourself for the fire in that house. You’ve got to let that shit go, Jackson.”
His shoulders sagged. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I made you stay in that place and put you both in danger.”
“Stop it,” Rafe said. “Not your fault. How many times do we need to tell you that?”
He felt his brothers’ arms around him. Not judgement. Not condemnation. Just love.
“You saved us, Jackson,” Kal said. “So many times. You always kept us safe. You were just a kid yourself. I think sometimes you forget that.”
Maybe he had forgotten that.
“Let it go, bro,” Rafe said. “No one here has ever judged you for that night. No one ever will. We all made it out that night. We’re safe. We’re all safe.”
Rafe was right. He had to let it go. The guilt, the feelings of responsibility that he’d held on to for so long. He drew in a shaky breath and looked at his brothers, felt their love pouring into him. “Thanks. For always being here for me. I don’t know what I would have done without both of you. It’s not a one-way street, you know?”
“Yeah, we do,” Rafe said, taking a step back to give Jackson some air. “Which means you need to go fix this mess you made with Becks.”
Oh, God. Becks. “I really fucked that up.”
Kal slid into the chair next to him. “Dude, you can’t hold back on feeling something for someone just because there’s a chance you could lose them.”
“Kal’s right,” Rafe said. “Time to fix this with Becks, because maybe you don’t see it, but Kal and I do. She’s the best thing that’s ever happened to you.”
“Besides us, of course,” Kal said, grinning, breaking up the tension that had grown so thick around them.
Jackson laughed, then got out of his chair and put his arms around both of his brothers.
“I love you guys.”
“Love you, too, idiot,” Rafe said.
“Ditto,” Kal said. “Now go get Becks back.”
He went upstairs to shower, trying to figure out how exactly he was going to repair what had gone wrong between Becks and him.
And there was only one way to do that.
First he was going to have to fix himself.
CHAPTER 29
“Hey, Becks, can you squeeze in another appointment today?” Aria asked. “I’ve got a guy on the phone who’d like some ink done.”
Becks looked up at the clock. It was already seven thirty and what she thought had been her last client of the day had just left.
“How big a tattoo?”
“He said it isn’t a big one.”
She rolled her eyes. Then again, what else did she have to do? It wasn’t like she had anywhere else to go. She was already sleeping at the shop and showering at the truck stop.
It helped to have experienced years of being homeless, so she knew where she could shower and eat on the cheap. No one but Aria knew she was bunking at the shop. She’d rented a storage locker for all her other stuff, and kept a few days of spare clothes stuffed in a duffel bag with her. Plus she had a sleeping bag so it wasn’t so bad.
And soon enough she’d have enough money saved up for first and last months’ rent on an apartment, so this was just temporary.
Temporary. The word of her life.
She’d certainly had worse.
The sleepless nights the past few days had been the hard part. Because all she’d done was lie awake and think about Jackson, about how much she missed him and how she’d screwed everything up. She’d pushed and pushed, because she thought she was helping him. Helping them. And all she’d done was ruin the best thing in her life. So he couldn’t tell her he loved her. Was that so bad? It wasn’t like anyone had ever loved her anyway. She could have dealt with that. She could have lived with that.
Bullshit. You deserve to be loved.
She shook off the voice in her head. There was nothing she could do about that now. It was over.
She blinked back the tears that pricked her eyes.
“Fine. Tell him to come on in.”
She spent the next fifteen minutes cleaning up her work area and getting her equipment ready for the new client.
Work was going to keep her busy and keep her mind clear.
She heard the door jingle, so at least the dude was timely.
Aria stuck her head around the door. “Uh, Becks? You might want to come out here.”
Now what? She got out of her chair and went around the corner to the front. The jeans-wearing dude looking out the window didn’t even have to turn around for Becks to recognize Jackson.
She’d know his exceptionally fine ass anywhere.
“Jackson.”
He turned and smiled at her, and her heart lurched.
Oh, how she’d missed his smile. And his face. And his hair. And his everything.
“Hey, Becks.”
“What are you doing here?”
“I’m your eight o’clock appointment.”
She arched a brow. “You want a tattoo.”
“Yes.”
She crossed her arms. “Why?”
“Because I feel something emotional inside me that needs to be inked on my skin.”
She should walk away, refuse to do it. But something compelled her to ride this out. “Okay. Come back and we’ll talk about it.”
“You want me to stay, Becks?” Aria asked.
Martin had a date tonight, so he’d left an hour ago. And, surprisingly, Aria also had a date tonight, who was picking her up in about ten minutes. The guy who worked at their favorite sandwich shop had asked her out. He was cute, too.
“No, you can go, Aria. Have fun. Make sure to lock the door behind you.”
“No problem. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Okay.”
Aria cast a distrustful glance at Jackson, which made Becks smile. She hadn’t talked to Aria about what went down with Jackson other than to tell her they weren’t seeing each other anymore.
Obviously that was all Aria needed.
It was nice to know someone had her back.
“Come on back,” Becks said.
She felt his presence behind her, so close to her, and yet they were miles apart. It made her sad to know
they were over when all she wanted was to hug him.
She shouldn’t have agreed to do this, not when she’d have to touch his skin to do a tattoo, and be close enough that she’d be able to breathe in his scent.
Dumb idea, Becks.
“Take a seat in that chair,” she said, then slid into her chair and grabbed her sketchbook and pencil. “Tell me what you want.”
“I want a lot of things,” he said, his voice low and sexy, the kind of voice he always used when he was whispering in her ear when he was inside her.
She cleared her throat and gave him a direct look. “Tell me about the tattoo you’d like.”
He pointed to his biceps. “Flames. With words above them.”
“Okay.” She started sketching. “How big do you want the flames?”
“I have no idea. I guess you can decide that.”
“How much verbiage do you want? Like a couple of words, or a paragraph? That’ll determine how big to make the flames.”
“Just a few words.”
She nodded and put her focus back on her sketchbook. “And what words do you want above the flames?”
“Rise above the fire.”
Her gaze shot up. “Jackson.”
“I want to tell you about that night.”
She laid the sketchpad in her lap. “You don’t have to.”
“Yeah, I do, because you’re right. If we’re not open and honest with each other about everything, then we’re not meant to be with each other.”
“I pushed you. I shouldn’t have. No one who loves you should push you to relive something you’re not ready for. Or that you may never be ready for. I was wrong.”
“You weren’t wrong. I’ve pushed the memories of that night away for all these years, and all it’s done is stifle my emotions, made me unable to get close to anyone I cared about.”
“But you love your brothers and your parents.”
“To the extent I was capable of loving anyone, yeah. I always knew I had the capacity to feel more, but I never allowed it because loving someone meant I could lose them.”
Her eyes filled with tears. “I understand that feeling. I feared that myself.”
“Falling in love with you was the biggest risk I’ve ever taken. I couldn’t even say the words to you, and I’m sorry for that. But I love you, Becks.”
She shook her head. “You don’t have to say it.”
He took her hands in his. “I love you. I love your independence, your bravery, your fire and the way you make me feel as if I can do anything.”
She swept her palm across his cheek. “Because you can. I believe in you, Jackson.”
“Let me tell you about that night.”
She shook her head. “You don’t have to.”
“Yeah, I do.”
She sat back in her chair. “All right.”
Jackson took in a breath. He had to get through this. For Becks, sure, but mainly for himself.
For so long he’d avoided memories of that night, but after talking to his brothers he knew he’d never be whole again until he really relived it.
He looked at Becks, but his mind had traveled back to that night in the house.
“I thought we were safe in that abandoned house. You know how it was. Getting shelter like that was so rare. I checked everything out. No one was in there, and we had a roof over our heads. It was a bad storm. Lightning, thunder, hail. God, it rained for hours that night, remember?”
“I remember.”
Her voice was soft, a balm in the midst of his tortured memories.
“Rafe and Kal didn’t want to go in at first. Rafe thought the house was unsafe, and Kal was worried someone would find us there. I pushed them. I made them stay there. I had scored us a pizza and all I wanted was a warm, dry place where we could eat it and then sleep.”
“Jackson, you didn’t know what would happen.”
“I know. But maybe I should have listened to Rafe and Kal. Their instincts about the house.” He shuddered in a breath. “Anyway, our bellies were full after eating the pizza, and we had a roof over our heads. Once Rafe and Kal were asleep I did a walk-through, checking the windows and doors. We were secure. I figured we’d all get the best night’s sleep we’d had in months.
“And then I woke up in a room filled with smoke and panicked. I had to get to Rafe and Kal, but I couldn’t find my way to the door.”
He was staring at the wall, seeing through it to that fucking awful night. If not for Becks grabbing hold of his hand to ground him in reality, he wasn’t sure he’d be able to keep reliving the nightmare of that night.
“I thought I was going to die in there. But even worse, I thought Rafe and Kal were going to die in there.”
She smoothed her hand up and down his arm. “I can’t imagine how that must have felt, Jackson.”
“I was scared. Despite all the shit I’d been through in my fourteen years of life, I’d never been scared before. Until that night. Until all that smoke. I panicked. I couldn’t remember the layout of the house or where the guys were. I crawled around on the floor trying to find the door. Smoke burned my eyes and I couldn’t see.
“I’d always been the guy in charge, the one who’d get us out of trouble. We were in serious trouble that night and I couldn’t see a way out. I couldn’t get to Rafe and Kal.
“I failed them. I was supposed to take care of them and I failed them.”
He felt her hand in his, felt her squeezing his fingers, and she was his lifeline to the present. Because he was back in that room, seeing everything clearly for the first time since that night fourteen years ago.
“Nothing ever scared me before. Not the cops, not social services, not even the possibility of dying. But that night I thought Rafe and Kal were going to die. That I’d led them into this horror show and I was going to be responsible for their deaths. And there was nothing I could do to save them. I was coughing hard and the smoke burned my eyes and my throat was so raw I couldn’t call out to them anymore.”
“Oh, Jackson, I’m so sorry,” she said, stroking his arm, keeping at least a part of him in the here and now. But he had to remember the worst night of his life. Had to remember what that felt like. He had to see this through.
He felt the burn of tears in his eyes, just like the smoke had burned his eyes that night so long ago. He swiped at the tears, and then felt Becks’s soft fingers swiping across his cheeks.
“It’s okay,” she said, her voice a soft whisper. “I’m here with you.”
He nodded and knew he could get through the rest of it.
“And then my dad—only he wasn’t my dad yet, he was just this dark vision—he busted through the door. He was so tall and so formidable. He was all in black and with a mask and a helmet and he was carrying an ax and wearing boots and he scooped me up like I weighed nothing. He got me out of that house and I swear it was like God himself had saved my life. He carried me outside, and sitting there in the ambulance were Rafe and Kal. They were alive and they were okay.
“I cried, Becks. I cried so hard when I saw them. And I put my arms around Josh Donovan and sobbed against his chest, and thanked him for saving all of us. And when he showed up at the hospital that night with Laurel, and said we could all come home with them, I thought I really had died, because good things like that didn’t happen to kids like us, you know?”
“Yes. I do know. It must have felt like a miracle.”
He smiled. “It didn’t feel real. I didn’t believe him. But Laurel convinced me it was real, and the next day after we got released, we went home with them.”
“It must have been so nice to be like a family.”
He looked at her, part of him still living in that dream. “It was amazing to get fed regularly. To be able to take a shower and put on clean clothes. To know you were loved. That was the best part.”
<
br /> She smoothed her hand over his jaw. “You were saved in so many ways the night of the fire; why have you blocked it out all of these years?”
He looked pained. “The guilt of making Rafe and Kal stay in that house that night. God, I’ve held tightly to that guilt for so long.”
“Oh, Jackson. You had to know the fire wasn’t your fault.”
“Did I? I always had to be in charge. I always knew what was best. Except that night I made the wrong decision and it almost cost my brothers their lives. I almost lost them.”
“Without the fire you never would have been taken in by Josh and Laurel. In a weird way it was the best thing that ever happened to the three of you.” She smiled at him, her tone warm, gentle.
Jackson’s smile was self-deprecating. “Logic has no place in my guilt—or my terror from that night. Emotion rules.
“It’s like every time I try to hold on to something—to someone, I lose them. First my mom and dad in the car accident. Then I almost lost Rafe and Kal. It took me a long time to trust in Josh and Laurel, to believe that this time they were going to stick, ya know?”
She nodded. “Yes, I know.”
“I remember my parents, but all these years later, it’s more of a vague feeling of loss, of knowing that I had something that was precious and lost it. Rafe and Kal are tangible. We might not be blood, but we are brothers and we’re gonna stay that way. So that night in the fire? That memory’s always the worst.
“The nightmares began after we started living with Josh and Laurel. Every night I’d wake up screaming. The dreams were vivid as hell. Flames licking all around me, and a wall of fire separating me from Rafe and Kal and all of you guys, too. And the flames would devour you all, and you’d disappear. I could feel the heat of the fire in my dreams. It was so damn intense. I’d try to get past the wall but I couldn’t. It was too hot. No matter how hard I tried, the wall was blistering and impenetrable. And then it would come for me, like this living, breathing . . . monster. And as soon as it caught up with me, that’s when I’d wake up screaming.”
He saw the look of horror on Becks’s face.
“Oh my God, Jackson. I can’t imagine having that dream every night. It must have been terrifying for you.”
