My French Whore

by Gene Wilder

  Don’t give anything away... don’t overact... no pretending to be shocked.

  “Go on,” I said.

  “Someone by the name of ‘Colonel von Rieger’ came to see him last night. He knew exactly which cell Harrington was in, visited with him for only fifteen minutes, and then left. His cycle driver was also with him. This morning the cell was empty.”

  “Do you know Colonel von Rieger,” I asked.

  “I’ve never heard of him ... have you?”

  Deep in thought... stay deep in thought... you’re prepared... don’t rush it.

  “Did von Rieger give a first name?” I asked.

  “No! What the hell difference would that make?” he answered, more impatiently than he’d ever spoken to me.

  “Did he wear an eye patch?” I asked. Steinig was flabbergasted. “How on earth did you know that?”

  “Because ‘Karl von Rieger,’ alias ‘Karl Joseph Landmann,’ is an American officer whose actual name is Karl Schneider. He works in American Intelligence. His favorite disguise is to wear an eye patch. With a hat and eye patch, people can’t seem to remember his face.”

  “How do you know all of this?”

  “Because I’ve met him. On several occasions. He’s clever. I think he’s also a show-off who’s too full of himself, but he gets away with it... as you can see.”

  “How could he know where Harrington was? Even which cell he was in?”

  “If it was Karl Schneider—and I’m sure it was—it would be child’s play. After they captured Harrington, your brilliant officers took him to Saarbriicken, which is only twenty-five kilometers from enemy lines and which has an old prison that’s almost ready to fall apart. All this he would know. How he knew that Harrington was in cell fourteen ... I don’t know. But—if I were him, I would probably come to Saarbriicken very often, dressed as a farmer or a workman, and frequent the local saloons. I assure you he’d be very good at acting a little tipsy with one of the prison guards, who just wants to relax and have a few drinks after his shift is over.”

  “You make it sound so simple”

  “It is simple—if you’re talented. And he is.”

  “I’m sorry if I spoke rudely before—it was very discouraging when I heard that he had escaped.”

  “I wouldn’t worry about Captain Harrington, Viktor—he’s just a company commander. What did he tell us?—that the main attack would come from Switzerland? I don’t believe it. It’s possible, of course, but I think he was lying. Anyway, if you catch a general, then I might be of some use.”

  “I’m glad you’re on our side, Harry.”

  The next day, everyone in the castle was scurrying in and out of the ballroom, cleaning and polishing everything in sight, because Colonel Steinig was giving a ball in honor of Kaiser Wilhelm II and his wife, Augusta Victoria.

  I had intended to pick up Annie at her apartment so she wouldn’t get lost in the shuffle of all the dignitaries who were invited, but Colonel Steinig asked if I would please join the reception line. I asked Joseph to bring Annie.

  That evening, as the chamber orchestra was playing Strauss, I was standing in a short line, greeting generals and their wives, and a prince or two, with one or two princesses. I pretended that it was like a wedding in Milwaukee, and I mumbled little pleasantries: “An honor, sir.” “How wonderful to meet you, madam,” or whatever else came to mind. But I had no idea what you were supposed to say to a Kaiser and his wife. I was more concerned with seeing Annie and kept looking out for her.

  “Here come the Kaiser and his wife,” Steinig whispered to me.

  “Remember, don’t kiss the Kaiser and shake the wife’s hand,” Steinig said with a laugh.

  “Well, that depends how handsome he is.”

  As insane as it may sound, I still had to remind myself not to kiss the Kaiser’s hand and shake the hand of his wife.

  As they approached, Steinig did the introductions.

  “Your highness, may I present Col. Harry Stroller, whom I know you’ve heard so much about... Colonel Stroller, may I present Friedrich Wilhelm Viktor Albert von Hohenzollern ... our illustrious Kaiser.”

  The Kaiser stuck out his hand. I shook it (thank goodness) and said, “What a great honor for me.” He nodded and moved on. What a stuckup prig.

  Then Augusta Victoria approached. She gave me a warm smile and put out her hand. I kissed it.

  “What a thrill to meet you,” I said, and then I bit my tongue, wishing that I hadn’t said, ‘thrill to meet you,’ as if I were talking to a silent screen actress. But she was very gracious, thanked me, and moved on.

  I saw Annie enter the ballroom. She was prettier than all of the other women in the room. She wore a white gown, white gloves, high heels, and just a tiny blush of rouge on her cheeks. Her hair wasn’t lacquered or rolled or puffed ... it was just natural. I wanted to run up and kiss her, but I thought I might get thrown out. Later, Private Peachy... hold your horses.

  I walked up to Annie, took her hand, kissed it, and glided her into the waltz that was playing. I pretended that I was whispering something, but actually I was kissing her ear as we danced.

  I danced three waltzes in a row with Annie. When the music stopped, we stood on the floor, waiting for the music to begin again.

  “You are ... a very beautiful woman,” I said.

  “Thank you, dear.”

  Then I realized that we had better not just stand there, looking at each other and waiting for the next dance, or people might get the right idea. We moved to the refreshment tables.

  Annie had Champagne and I, stupidly, looked for “Sincere.” But of course, they only had German wines. Germany was trying to annihilate the French, so why would they display French wines. I settled for a German white. It was good, but not as good as “sincere.”

  Colonel Steinig called out “Harry!” and walked up to us.

  “I can’t stall for you any longer,” he said. “She wants her dance.”

  “The Kaiser’s wife?” I asked, as panic shot through my heart.

  “No, the Countess von Oppersdorf. You promised her a dance, Harry, remember? She’s standing at the edge of the dance floor with the count and a few friends.”

  I saw the countess smiling at me. Then she waved. I waved back and signaled, “I’ll be right there.”

  I put my wine glass down and said, “Would you take care of this young lady for me, Viktor?”

  “Both the count and his young lieutenant have been waiting very patiently to have a dance with Annie,” he said.

  “They had better flip a coin,” I said, “because she has only one free dance left.”

  “I don’t think I can ask the count to flip a coin, Harry.”

  “Oh well,” I said, as I looked at Annie, “then let the count have the dance—the young lieutenant is too handsome.”

  I squeezed Annie’s hand and walked over to the count and countess as the music started up again. We spoke only in German.

  “Harry,” the count said, “my wife thought you were avoiding her.”

  “I always save the best things for last, sir,” I said, and then I kissed the countess’s hand.

  “Oh, dear—I have to compete with that?” the count asked. The count looked at the handsome young lieutenant beside him.

  “Harry, this is my aide, Lt. Erich von Hebbel.”

  Lieutenant Hebbel put out his hand and gushed, “A great pleasure to meet you, sir.”

  I shook hands with him, thanked him, and turned to the countess.

  “And now, my dear Countess ... I think the time has come. I’ve been waiting all evening.”

  “Oh dear! I’m not very good,” the countess said, as I led her onto the dance floor. This very sweet, very charming lady, was also very heavy and an exceptionally rotten dancer. Every time I tripped over her feet, I tried to make it appear as if it were my fault.

  “I’m sorry, Countess—you’re so good that sometimes I can’t keep up with you. Are you tired?”

  “No, not
at all,” she said. “Are you?”

  “No, no—not at all,” I said. “This is so much fun.”

  After we danced for several minutes, I noticed that the countess was sweating.

  “Are you thirsty, Countess?” I asked.

  She hesitated and said, “Well...”

  “Oh, please—I can take a hint. You don’t have to be polite with me. Shall we both get a cool drink?”

  “That would be nice. Thank you, Colonel Stroller. You’re such a gentleman.”

  We walked over to the refreshment table where some friends of the countess were drinking and laughing. I ordered a glass of Champagne for the countess and one for myself. As I waited for our drinks, and while the countess made small talk with her friends, I looked for Annie. She was in the middle of the floor, dancing with the count and laughing at whatever silly jokes he liked to tell. I heard someone call, “Harry!”

  I turned and saw Colonel Steinig standing next to some officer, waving at me to join them. When I arrived, Steinig said, “Harry, good news! Your old friend, General von Sieghardt, says that he owes you money from two years ago when you both made a bet.”

  The general gave me a cold stare.

  “Hermann, you are an honest man, I must say,” Steinig said. “Did you think he wouldn’t remember, Harry?”

  Fire raced through my body.

  Start thinking. Peachy. Don’t panic. What would Stroller do?

  “You’ve changed a great deal, Hermann,” I said.

  “Who is this man?” General von Sieghardt asked.

  Steinig looked at the general and then at me.

  “This is Colonel ... I’m sorry, Hermann,” Steinig said, “... I’m afraid I don’t understand what you mean.”

  Countess von Oppersdorf walked up, holding two glasses of Champagne.

  “Harry, your Champagne,” she said, and handed me my glass.

  “Thank you, Countess,” I said. “Hermann, do you know the Countess von Oppersdorf?”

  “We’re cousins, Harry,” the Countess said, with a very stern face. “But we never got along, did we, Hermann?”

  The general just kept staring at me.

  “Do you understand this situation, Harry?” Steinig asked.

  “It’s very confusing,” I answered.

  “Hermann and I rarely see each other,” the Countess said. “My cousin is always so busy—not even time for a short visit when my sister was dying.”

  “Excuse me, Countess ... May we step onto the terrace, gentlemen?” Steinig interrupted. “Harry? ... Hermann? ... Please.”

  “Yes, certainly,” I said.

  “Countess, will you excuse us for a moment?” Steinig asked.

  “You see what I mean?” the Countess asked. “Hermann hasn’t even been here two minutes, and he disrupts the whole evening. Don’t be too long, Harry—we never finished our dance.”

  “I wish you hadn’t been so thirsty, Countess,” I said.

  General von Sieghardt walked onto the terrace. I looked at the Countess, feeling great fondness for her now. I said, “Thank you for bringing my Champagne.”

  “Excuse us, Countess,” Steinig said.

  When I walked onto the terrace and looked at General Sieghardt, I felt like a child caught playing with matches. I wanted to run away, but there was nowhere to run.

  “Gentlemen,” Steinig said, “won’t you please sit? I would prefer not to attract attention if it can be helped.”

  The general and I sat on the low stone wall that surrounded the terrace. I positioned myself where I could look through the French doors and get glimpses of Annie.

  “No nonsense—who are you?” Steinig asked, looking directly at me.

  I thought of Captain Harrington. He had looked at me in such a tender, almost fatherly way before we said good-bye. “How long do you think you can keep this up, Peachy? You know it’s only a matter of time, don’t you?” “Yes sir, I know that.”

  “I’m an American soldier,” I answered.

  Colonel Steinig looked stunned. “What is your rank?” he asked.

  “Private.”

  The general’s eyes shot daggers at me.

  “Go on,” Steinig said. He was colder than I had ever heard him. I looked through the French doors and saw Annie.

  Tell the truth. Peachy.

  “Two weeks ago, there was a general attack at six in the morning,” I said. “My two very dear friends were shot in the head before they even got out of the trench. When I saw them lying on the ground, with their eyes open, I was terrified. Our whole company rushed up the fire steps and I followed, but when I heard the machine guns and saw all the bodies dropping around me, I ran into some woods about a quarter of a mile away. I was captured by a German patrol. A sergeant, who had a head like a pig’s, ordered his squad to shoot me. Because I spoke German, I was able to trick the sergeant and his men into thinking that I was a German officer. I ordered them to take me to their commanding officer. I didn’t even know what I was going to do when I got there, but I worked it out on the way to the headquarters of Capt. Stefan Simmel. Shortly after I arrived, you spoke to him on the telephone, Viktor.”

  Steinig was puzzled—not sympathetic, just puzzled.

  “How did you know about Colonel Stroller?” he asked.

  “Harry Stroller was captured—or rather, he gave himself up the morning before. Because I spoke German, I was asked to stay with him through the night and try to get information from him. I talked to him in German for almost an hour and then he suddenly spoke to me in perfect English. He was very kind.”

  General Sieghardt looked like a frustrated fisherman who was finally about to haul in a largemouth bass.

  “He gave himself up?” Sieghardt shouted.

  “Yes sir.”

  “Did your great new friend happen to tell you why he gave himself up?” Sieghardt shouted.

  Don’t lie ... tell this bastard the truth.

  “He said it was all over in Germany—but you didn’t know it yet.”

  Now General Sieghardt looked like a dragon, as he exhaled through his nose.

  “And that’s all?” Steinig asked.

  “Yes sir.”

  General von Sieghardt took out his watch, which hung on a beautiful gold chain.

  “I give you seven minutes. If you don’t tell the truth by then, you will be dragged from here and shot immediately.”

  I looked at my “friend,” Colonel Steinig.

  “Do you believe me, Viktor?”

  “Not one word,” he answered.

  I was at a complete loss, but for some reason my panic lessened. I even felt relieved. I looked through the French doors and saw Annie laughing. She was with another group of guests, who were standing around the Count von Oppersdorf. He was probably telling more silly jokes. I was glad I didn’t see Annie dancing with the handsome young lieutenant.

  “Whoever you are,” Steinig said, “I suggest that you speak very soon. I can assure you that the general will stick to his plan.”

  General von Sieghardt was looking at his watch, timing me.

  “Who are you?” Steinig asked.

  I paused for just a second, and then I answered as if I had just heard the question.

  “I’m a spy.”

  “For who?” Steinig asked.

  “You mean for ‘whom,’ don’t you, Viktor?”

  Now I got a smile. Steinig nodded his remembrance. “For America,” I said. “Stroller was captured three weeks ago by the British. They knew he was working for Germany. They also knew that he was known, personally, by only a few people. I was asked to try the switch ... pass myself off as Stroller, because of my background.”

  “What is your background?” Steinig asked.

  “American Intelligence. I had a German father and mother. I also used to work in the theater, Viktor ... several years ago. Remember?”

  By the look in his eyes I could see that Colonel Steinig was hearing everything he had hoped for.

  “Who was your contac
t here?” Steinig asked me.

  “I didn’t have a contact here ... he was in England.”

  Steinig was lost in thought for a moment; then he asked, “Did you get Captain Harrington out of prison?”

  “Yes.”

  “How?”

  “In your report this morning, did they mention a motorcycle driver with goggles?”

  Steinig smiled. “That was quite brilliant,” he said. “Harrington was the driver and you were Colonel Reiger.”

  “No—on the way out I was the driver with goggles and Harrington was Colonel Reiger, with the eye patch.”

  “Brilliant,” Steinig said again. I looked at General Sieghardt, who obviously didn’t think I was so brilliant.

  “What is your actual rank?” Steinig asked.

  “I’m a colonel.”

  “And what is your real name?”

  “Wally Murdock.”

  “Thank you ... Colonel Murdock,” Steinig said.

  “May I please ask a favor, Viktor.”

  Steinig looked at the general, who shook his head no.

  “That would depend, really, on what the favor is,” Steinig said to me.

  “It would depend on nothing!” the general burst in. “This man is a spy.”

  “I know, sir,” Steinig said. “I meant only—under the unusual circumstances ...”

  General Sieghardt got up and walked over to Colonel Steinig.

  “The unusual circumstances are that not only is he a confessed spy but he has made fools of a great many people—yourself included. I certainly don’t intend ...”

  “Shut your mouth, Hermann!” I said.

  The general couldn’t believe what I had said. He looked at me with his mouth slightly open.

  “Approximately two hundred people in the ballroom believe that I am Stroller. Would you like to see Harry Stroller dragged out of here, screaming hysterically? Or would you rather see me run inside, calling you a madman when you start shooting?”

  General von Sieghardt stared at me. Then he looked at the nearest guard, who was not that near.

  “I don’t say that you won’t be able to explain,” I said, “but it won’t be easy. In any case, you lose a great hero.”

  Now it was von Sieghardt who was lost in thought.

  “You have the floor, Harry... or whatever your name is,” Steinig said. “Please don’t be too extravagant.”