For the Love of a Cowboy (Cowboy Dreamin')

by Sullivan, Sandy

  “I think it’s because she hasn’t eaten in a couple of days. Probably several, but she couldn’t remember exactly. Stubborn woman.”

  James smiled. “She sounds a lot like your mother.”

  “She is a lot like Ma. That’s probably why I love her so much.”

  “So why are you down here and not up there with her?”

  “She’s got something going on in her pretty head I’m not sure how to deal with. Guilt is a hard war to wage and she’s got it twofold.”

  “Why is that?”

  “She told her father about us right before he died. She’s thinking his stroke is her fault because of the stress. I can’t convince her otherwise.”

  “Maybe talking with his doctor would help.”

  “There’s an idea.” They started walking back toward the church. The square walking stones guiding their way were worn with use. Flowers bloomed on either side of the path and he wondered absently if Paige took care of them. Gardening seemed like something she would do. Jacob paused, bringing his father to an expectant halt as well. “I’m not sure what to do about her. I love her, Dad, but she’s pulling away from me.”

  “Give her time, son. Time heals wounds no matter how deep. She’s lost both parents. It has to be difficult for her.”

  “But I want to help her. I want to hold her and love her.”

  “I know you do, Jacob. She seems like she needs the space more than you at the moment.”

  “How can that be? I need her, but she doesn’t need me?”

  “She does. She’s just so torn right now, she’s not sure which way to turn.”

  “She keeps saying she doesn’t want to risk lovin’ me and losin’ me.”

  “Give her time.”

  Jacob sighed as he tipped his head back on his shoulders. “I guess I don’t have a choice, do I?”

  “Not really.”

  He walked back with his dad to claim their family so they could head for home. The sun slowly slipped into the afternoon sky, signaling the end of another day. Work beckoned on the ranch. It was never ending even when someone died, someone got married, a child was born, or whatever. Ranch work continued to be the one thing he always had to do even when he didn’t want to. Maybe a few chores would take his mind off Paige.

  The moment they hit the road to the ranch, his thoughts shifted to what needed to be done. He had more hay to stack and he’d promised Joey he would help break a couple of horses today. There would still be a few hours of daylight left before they’d call it a day.

  “Where’d those two new geldings come from?”

  “The Circle M.”

  “How is Jessica?”

  Joey blushed. “I wouldn’t know. I haven’t seen her.”

  “Then why the hell are you turning red?” Jacob laughed. Joey had liked the youngest Marshall girl for some time, but he’d never made a move on her.

  “It’s nothin’.”

  “Nothin’ huh?”

  “She’s too young for me anyway. She’s only seventeen.”

  “She won’t be some day.”

  “Don’t worry about my love life. You need to figure out what’s goin’ on with yours.”

  “I wish I knew, brother. I wish I knew.”

  “What’s goin’ on now? I thought you and Paige had worked things out?”

  “So did I last week, but this week things have changed again.”

  “Fickle woman.”

  Jacob laughed. “A little, yeah.”

  They pulled up to Jacob’s parking spot before they both jumped out.

  “You still want to help me break one this afternoon?” Joey asked, coming around the back of the truck.

  “Sure. I could use a good kick or two. Maybe one to my head would help.”

  “I’ll meet you back here in ten. I need to change out of these clothes.” Joey laughed as he clapped Jacob on the back.

  “Sure.”

  When they met up again a few minutes later, they headed to the barn to get the horse they would break. The palomino gelding stood in the stall happily munching on some hay.

  “Come on boy. It’s your turn.” After grabbing the halter hanging on the nail next to the stall, Jacob slipped it over the gelding’s face, hooking it behind his ears. Joey had been working with this particular horse for a bit so he wasn’t too terribly gun-shy around equipment. “You’ve done good with him so far. He’s not scared of the halter.”

  “I got him halter broke last week as well as blanket broke. I got the saddle on him once and he did well with it too. I think he’d ready to be ridden.”

  “Let’s see what he’s got then.”

  “I’ll saddle Buster and get him in the round pen if you want to saddle him.”

  He led the horse out of the stall to the tie down area so he could get the blanket, saddle, and bridle on him without fighting with the animal since he didn’t know how he would react. He trusted his brother’s judgment, but it never hurt to be cautious around horses when they worked with them. The horse never baulked at the tack. Good. He’d rather save the bucking and kicking for the round pen.

  Joey sat ready for him inside the pen when he came out of the barn. “You sure you want to ride him or do you want me to?”

  “I’ll do it. I need the rush.”

  Once the gate was closed behind him, he stuck his foot into the stirrup and pulled himself into the saddle. The horse didn’t move for several seconds and then all hell broke loose.

  The horse went straight up in a four-legged jump meant to jar the rider from his back. It did. Jacob ended up in a heap.

  “Well, hell. That’s a good start.”

  Joey laughed as he leaned over the pommel of his own saddle, resting his forearm on the leather knob.

  Jacob dusted himself off as he headed for where the horse stood quivering. “Shall we go again, boy?”

  The horse snorted as if to say, “Bring it on, cowboy.”

  Again, the horse went straight up. Jacob held on this time, gently digging his boot heels into the side of the gelding to urge him forward as Joey rode beside him. The horse dropped his head to jump again, but Jacob pulled his head up to prevent the buck. Round and round they went. The horse would throw him off, Jacob would crawl back into the saddle and they would go again.

  After two hours, they finally got the horse gentled. He walked the pen circle with the pressure of Jacob’s boots in his side while Joey guided the animal with a light tap of a crop to his butt.

  “You’ve done well with him. Thanks for the help.”

  “No problem, brother. Anytime.” As Jacob swung his leg down to dismount, the horse reared. His boot heel caught in the stirrup. Before Joey could calm the horse, Jacob had taken a hoof to the side of his chest and arm. “Fuck!”

  Joey got the horse to stop by grabbing the bridle.

  Jacob pulled his foot out as he rolled onto his side, grabbing his arm with his hand. “Son of a bitch!”

  “You okay?”

  “No. I think he broke my arm and a couple of ribs.”

  Joey let out a shrill whistle they saved to alert the family there’d been an accident. Within minutes, the entire family surrounded the round pen as his father moved inside to help him. “Where are you hurt?”

  “My arm and ribs, I think.”

  “Let’s get you to the hospital.”

  Jacob nodded. Just fucking great. This is not what I needed.

  His father guided him out of the pen and they headed for the main lodge. A crowd of guests watched from the sidelines, whispering about riding those crazy animals. Those crazy animals are part of the ranch experience for the guests, but being hurt by one came with the job.

  “Let’s get this splinted so you can get off to the hospital to get some x-rays.”

  “Yeah. Hurts like a bitch.”

  Several hours later, he eased his broken body down on the bed in his trailer. The horse had broken his forearm and a couple of ribs when it had kicked him. They’d given him pain medication at the h
ospital. Grogginess crept into his consciousness, assisting him down into a restless sleep.

  * * * *

  Two bloody months. Paige hadn’t talked to Jacob in two months and it was driving her batshit crazy. She’d moved herself into a small apartment, gave away most of her father’s things and started her lonely life on her own. He hadn’t called either, but she knew he was waiting for her to come to terms with everything going on and decide whether she wanted to risk loving him or not. She didn’t know anymore. Every waking moment revolved around her memories of the time with him. Did she do the right thing? Her heart argued no, her head argued yes. She patted the dog she’d come to love on the head as he sat next to her on the floor.

  Her stomach rolled. She’d had this damned flu for a week solid and it didn’t seem like it was letting up anytime soon. She awoke every morning with a sour stomach and headache, threw up nothing but stomach acid, ate some toast and went back to bed. The afternoons were fine, although some days she had the icky stomach if she didn’t eat something. An ulcer maybe? Who knew. With all the stress she’d been under, it wouldn’t surprise her if she did have one.

  Maybe it was time to see a doctor? Yeah, probably. Nothing seemed to help. Fatigue ruled her life these days. She always seemed tired and cranky.

  She picked up her cell phone to dial her family doctor. Better get this over with.

  “Doctor Orlio’s office. Can I help you?”

  “Yes. I need to make an appointment for a routine visit.”

  “Is there a specific problem you need to see the doctor for?”

  “Well, I’ve been sick with the flu or something for a week now.”

  “The flu is going around even though it’s an odd time of the year for it. We had a cancellation this afternoon if you’d like to come in.”

  “Fantastic. What time?”

  She wrote down the time for her appointment and hung up the phone. Hopefully he would be able to give her some answers quickly so she could get past this and move on with her life.

  By three o’clock, she sat in stunned silence in the exam room of the doctor’s office. “Pregnant? You can’t be serious?”

  “I take it this wasn’t a planned pregnancy.”

  “Hell, I mean, heck no! I can’t be pregnant. I’m on the pill and I haven’t had sex with anyone for two months!”

  “Did you miss any doses about that time?”

  She glanced down at her hands on her lap. Shit. “Yes. I missed three days. My father had a stroke and then died.”

  “I remember. I was sorry to hear about his death.”

  “Thank you, but anyway, yes I did miss some.”

  “There you go then.”

  A heavy sigh escaped her lips as tears gathered in her eyes. What the hell is Jacob going to say?

  “Here is a prescription for some prenatal vitamins. I’ll need to see you back here in one month for a checkup. You can get dressed now. I’ll see you in a month.”

  “Thank you, doctor.”

  He patted her hand. “Things will work out, Paige. I’m sure you’ll do what needs to be done.”

  “Can you tell me about abortion?”

  “Is that what you’re contemplating?”

  Her whole body shook from the shock of this new development. I can’t raise a baby alone. “I don’t know at this point in time. I’m not sure what the father is going to think about this. We aren’t together anymore and I don’t know if I can raise a baby on my own.”

  “The nurses have some information at the desk. I’ll have one of them bring it in here for you, but please don’t make any hasty decisions. This isn’t a simple thing to decide.”

  “I know. Thank you.”

  Several minutes later, she stood dressed and ready to leave when the nurse came in with some pamphlets. “Here is the information you requested.”

  “Thank you.”

  “I hope you aren’t really thinking abortion is the way to go.”

  “I don’t know. This whole thing is a major shock for me. It wasn’t planned.”

  “As someone who went through this about two years ago with one of the nicest guys in the area, don’t do it. I wish I hadn’t.”

  Paige glanced at the nurse’s name tag. Veronica. Hmm. “Thank you for the advice. I’ll take that into consideration.”

  “You’re welcome. I hope to see you in a month.”

  Paige left the doctor’s office in a fog. Pregnant. Now what am I going to do? “First things first, I need to tell Jacob. It’s his child too.”

  She glanced at the phone in her hand. Call him? No, this is something she needed to tell him in person. Something they needed to decide together.

  She drove back to her apartment to get something to eat. The doctor’s orders were to try to eat small meals to curb the empty stomach. She didn’t think she could, but right now she felt utterly starved. After she made herself some soup, she sat down on her couch and stared at the black television screen. A baby. She touched her palm to her still flat abdomen. Jacob’s baby.

  “He’s going to be furious.” She patted the dog on the head as he pressed himself against her leg. The mutt had adopted her when she moved from the church’s house to her apartment and she was lucky to have his companionship these days.

  Eyes burning from unshed tears, she let them fall as she sat back against the couch. Another symptom, the doctor said. Great. She hated crying, but right now it seemed the thing to do. “Daddy?” She glanced up. “God, I wish you and Momma were here. You would know what to do.”

  He would never let me have an abortion. She wiped her tears with the back of her hand, attempting to fortify herself with a deep breath.

  After she finished her lukewarm soup, she grabbed her jacket and keys to head to the cemetery. The drive gave her time to think about how she planned to tell Jacob about the baby. Should she just blurt it out, tell him slowly or maybe wait? The pregnancy was still in the early stages so she had time.

  Luckily, the sun wouldn’t set for awhile so she would have time to be able to sit and talk out her situation while she visited her parents.

  She parked next to the church in the spot she used to call her own. The church parking lot was deserted today, thank goodness. The small cemetery looked forlorn in the afternoon light as the sun began its decent into the evening sky.

  With a deep breath, she pushed open the door to her car so she could make her way to the spot near the back of this field of stone. Gravel crunched under her tennis shoes as she walked closer and closer to her destination. A huge oak tree shaded the area she sought. The wind picked up with a slight breeze, blowing her hair across her cheek in a caress.

  “Momma?” she whispered to the wind without an answer. She rubbed both her arms to calm the chills suddenly springing up. It almost felt as if her parents were there with her.

  She sank down on the soft, green grass between the headstones bearing her parent’s names. A tear rolled down her cheek. “I miss you. Both of you.”

  The breeze picked up, rustling the few leaves on the ground.

  “Help me.” She wasn’t sure if she was asking for God’s help or her parents’, but she needed someone to tell her what to do. “Tell me what I should do about this baby? I can’t raise it on my own, but I don’t think Jacob wants me anymore. I’m so scared.”

  The brush of something across her forehead calmed her heart as she heard the whispered words, “Tell him.”

  “What if he turns his back on me?”

  “He loves you,” came the reply in her daddy’s voice. Should she believe her father wanted her and Jacob to be together?

  She brushed some dry grass from the headstone with her mother’s name. “Momma, I wish you were here to hold me. I need you so much right now.”

  “I love you, baby,” reached her ear on the breeze. She felt as if her parents held her in a three way hug, assuring her everything would be okay.

  She just had to talk to Jacob.

  Chapter Fifteen

 
She pulled up to Jacob’s trailer behind his truck and sighed. This wouldn’t be easy. He would probably be angry. After all, they hadn’t planned this at all. They weren’t even dating anymore and here she turns up pregnant.

  Her car door was whipped open, startling her into a yelp.

  “What are you doin’ here, Paige?” Jacob asked, holding the door open as she slipped out.

  “I needed to talk to you.”

  He slammed the door shut behind her. “About what?”

  “Can we go inside? It’s kind of warm out here.” Sweat trickled down between her shoulder blades. “I’m not feeling so hot.”

  “Sure.” He led the way to his trailer, opened the door for her and then stepped back, allowing her to enter in front of him.

  The cooler interior of the trailer felt like heaven on her overheated skin. She moved inside to take a seat on the couch. He took the chair opposite her. Great. He didn’t even want to sit by her anymore. This wasn’t going to be easy.

  “Are you okay? You look pale.”

  “I’m okay. It’s just warm.”

  “I didn’t think it was that warm.”

  “Can I lie down for a minute? I don’t feel so good.”

  “Sure. Leave your purse there and you can lie down on my bed. I’ll get you a cool rag for your forehead. Are you sick?”

  “A little. I’ve been sick for about a week. This is the first day I’ve really been out of the house for any length of time.”

  “Well whatever we have to talk about could have waited until you felt better,” he said, holding her arm as they walked down the hall to his bedroom. Once he had her on the bed, he retrieved a cool cloth from the bathroom and draped it over her eyes. “Better?”

  “I’ve got a splitting headache. Could you grab the Tylenol out of my purse? I should take a couple.”

  “Of course.”

  When he didn’t come back for several minutes, she began to wonder what the hell was taking him so long. He should have been able to find the Tylenol in her purse easy enough. “Jacob?” she called, removing the washcloth and sitting up only to find him standing in the doorway of his bedroom holding the pamphlets on abortion in his hands.

  “You’re pregnant?”