Should Have Been Her Child

by Stella Bagwell

  Releasing a heavy breath, he looked away from her and shook his head. “You know that’s impossible, Tori.”

  The raw emotion in his voice surprised her, stung her heart with bittersweet longing. “Why? You don’t have to worry that I’ll beg you to make love to me again.”

  His face whipped back to hers and he stared at her with a measure of disgust. “Damn it all, Tori, what makes you think I need to be begged?”

  Chapter Nine

  The air around them was suddenly crackling with electricity. Victoria was certain some of it had arced straight to her heart and short-circuited its wiring. It was beating out of control, sending blood singing in her ears.

  “I thought…these past few days you’ve made a point of keeping your distance,” she told him.

  He grimaced as though he couldn’t believe he had to explain his actions. “Hell yes, I’ve stayed away from you. I had to. Otherwise we’d have been right back in bed together. You ought to know that!”

  He still wanted her. That shouldn’t mean anything to Victoria. Not when his wanting was driven by sex. Yet her body was already reacting to his words, even though her mind was screaming at her to back away and end their conversation.

  “What happened between us the other night felt right, Jess. You can’t deny that,” she said hoarsely.

  He stepped closer and, if possible, her heart beat even faster.

  His eyes glinting with sexual messages, he whispered, “No. I won’t deny it. But feeling right doesn’t necessarily make it right.”

  Her nostrils flared as the scent of his warm, male body enveloped her senses. “Since when did you get so righteous?”

  Jess’s gaze continued to slip over her face and the cloud of dark ebony hair surrounding it, then moved downward over the lush curves of her body. Tonight she was wearing a dress of pale pink cotton. The neck was scooped low, while the tiny row of buttons down the front of the bodice made his hands itch to unfasten the material and expose her breasts. The rosy brown nipples would be hard with excitement, he thought. And the taste of them would be almost too sweet to bear.

  Trying to shake away the intoxicating thought, he said, “I’m not talking about morals, Victoria. Our being together is crazy. We’d only wind up hurting one another.”

  The overwhelming need to touch him suddenly overrode her pride and she slid her hands up his hard chest until she could latch her fingers over the tops of his shoulders.

  “You’re hurting me now, Jess.” With catlike grace, she stepped forward and arched her body against his. “By not making love to me.”

  His brain silently shouted at him to move away from her, but his body wouldn’t have any part of the order. Before he could stop himself, he bent his head and roughly covered her lips with his.

  The taste of her was like a potent shot of whiskey that sent a jolt of heat shooting from the top of his head to the soles of his feet. It dulled his senses to everything but the need to ease the craving that had burned in the pit of his stomach for the past three days.

  Moments later, when the need for air finally forced him to lift his head, he muttered, “You’re a damned temptress, Victoria. And I’m weak. Too weak for my own good.”

  Desperately she searched his face for some sign of gladness that she was back in his arms. But all she found was a passion so dark it made her shiver against him.

  “What does that mean?” she asked in a strangled voice.

  He closed his eyes and slid his hands around her waist. “It means I can’t resist you. Not now. Not tonight.”

  But he would afterwards, she thought, as he led her down the hallway to his bedroom. Later, after his passion for her body had cooled, he would walk away from her. And once he was gone from the ranch, the temptation for her would be over. Yet knowing all of that was not enough to make her deny herself the pleasure of his body.

  Hours later Victoria was stretched out close beside Jess on the tousled bed, but she felt as though the small space separating their bodies was as wide as a mountain canyon. Like before, their lovemaking had been hot and urgent. But as soon as it had ended, Jess had moved away from her, both physically and mentally.

  Now as her eyes slid over his silent, stony profile, her heart ached so badly she wondered how it could keep on beating.

  “I didn’t know sex with a woman could make a man so unhappy,” she teased in an attempt to lighten the awkward tension that had suddenly settled around them.

  Jess’s head turned toward hers. “This shouldn’t have happened,” he said flatly.

  Anger hot and swift, spurted through her. “I sure wasn’t twisting your arm!”

  “No. You use more subtle tactics than strong-arming.”

  Disgusted with him, she made a move to scoot off the mattress, but before she could swing her legs over the side, Jess reached out and caught her by the wrist.

  One of her brows arched in question.

  “You’re not leaving yet,” he said. “I want to—there’s something I need to say.”

  She studied his face in the semidarkness as she imagined how different, how sweet this moment might be if he truly loved her. He would take her into his arms and tell her that the two of them were meant to be together, that he didn’t want to live without her.

  But he didn’t love her, she reminded herself. She supposed she’d ruined all of that years ago when she’d decided to remain in New Mexico with her ailing father. And now she would never hear such words of love from Jess.

  “There’s no need for you to say any more about…what just happened between us,” she said stiffly. “I know how you feel.”

  Did she, Jess wondered. If so, then she knew a hell of a lot more than he did. Right about now he felt lower than a snake in the grass. He wasn’t a user. He despised anyone who was. Yet he’d used Victoria to assuage his own sexual desires. Not once, but twice.

  You didn’t use her. You made love to her. Love.

  The whispering voice inside him came from out of nowhere and momentarily shocked him. He’d loved Victoria once. But not now, he mentally argued with himself. Never again was he going to be foolish enough to trust his heart to any woman. Especially this one.

  “I’m glad you do,” he finally managed to say. “Because I don’t want you to get any wrong ideas about this and think I’ve changed my mind about…us.”

  Pain wrapped around her heart and filled her chest with a heavy weight. “I wouldn’t dream of it.”

  Her clipped reply caused his fingers to tighten ever so slightly around her wrist.

  “Look, Victoria, I’m not going to deny that I want you. God knows I just showed you how much. But I’m not stupid enough to think that something permanent could ever work between us. There’s too much bitterness for us to push aside. Besides that, you’re a Ketchum, a doctor. You have a successful practice in Aztec. You don’t need a man in your life, especially a poor one like me.”

  Astounded by what she was hearing, she jerked away from his hold on her wrist. “You’re right, Jess, I don’t need you for money. There’s other things a woman wants much more, like companionship and love. Or have you lowered everything between us to just sex?”

  Jess felt so sick inside he had to look away from her before he could speak. “Don’t ask me for love, Tori. I’m not capable of loving any woman again.”

  She slid away from him and climbed off the bed. Thankfully, the room was full of shadows and he couldn’t see the tears blurring her eyes as she began to gather up her clothes.

  “And I’m not capable of giving myself to a man who’s only interested in my body. So I guess we might as well call this night our last.”

  “Might as well,” he replied, but the words were so low and strained Victoria didn’t hear them as she headed out the door.

  The next morning before daylight, Victoria woke to the scent of strongly brewed coffee.

  Glancing groggily to her left, she was surprised to see Katrina gone from her crib. Apparently Jess had come into the bedroom at s
ome time during the night or early morning and gotten his daughter. Had the two of them already left the ranch?

  Tossing back the covers, she quickly wrapped a robe over her gown and hurried out to the kitchen.

  Relief swept over her as she spotted Jess sitting at the table with Katrina perched on his knee. Even though he didn’t glance her way, she could tell by the faint stiffening of his shoulders that he sensed her presence in the room. So it was going to be that way, Victoria thought sadly.

  At the gas range, Marina took a moment away from flipping pancakes to glance over her shoulder.

  “Morning, chica,” she greeted Victoria. “You up early.”

  Marina was studying her with a mother’s shrewd eye and Victoria realized she must look awful. Normally, she took the time to brush her hair and splash cold water on her face before she came to breakfast. But this morning was different. This morning Jess and Katrina were leaving and her heart had never felt so heavy.

  “I—have a lot scheduled today,” she lied while hoping the woman couldn’t guess she’d spent the greater part of the night in Jess’s bed. “I needed to get an early start.”

  Smoothing a hand over her hair, she moved to the cabinet. With a barely audible sigh, she picked up the coffee carafe from its hot plate and filled a cup, then added a large measure of rich cream.

  At the table she took a seat kitty-corner to Jess and Katrina. The moment the child spotted her, she reached out for Victoria to hold her.

  “I wanna eat, Toria.”

  Still avoiding eye contact with Victoria, Jess said to his daughter, “You’ll eat in a minute. Marina has to cook it first. Don’t bother Victoria.”

  “She’s hardly a bother,” Victoria assured him. “Let me hold her.”

  Turning slightly, he lifted Katrina over to Victoria. As he did, his gray eyes connected with hers and the intimate contact jolted him with white-hot memories of last night.

  Having her in bed with him again had been like returning to paradise. He could still feel her soft skin beneath his fingertips, hear her faint moans as his body had thrust into hers. Dear Lord, why did he have to want her so, he wondered sickly. She’d already proven to him once that she didn’t love him. He’d be the biggest fool in San Juan County if he let himself start thinking he was important to her.

  “She’s been whining to eat for the past fifteen minutes,” he said stiffly. “I guess that’s a sign she’s over the scarlet fever.”

  Grateful for the child’s warmth and affection, Victoria hugged Katrina tightly. “It’s the best sign.”

  He picked up his coffee cup. “Ma and Pa will be glad to get her back home. They’ve missed her.”

  Victoria’s throat tightened. For the past five days Katrina’s presence had turned the ranch house into a different place. Giggles and squeals and baby talk had filled the silence. Toys scattered over the living room floor had made it seem just that—a living room, not just a space that guests on the ranch sometimes walked through. And her own room, with the beautiful oak crib sitting little more than an arm’s length away from her bed, had made it almost seem like she was a real mother. Many times during these past nights, she’d looked over to watch Katrina sleeping peacefully and marveled at how much the baby helped to soothe the raw spots in her heart. But all of that would end today, she thought sadly. And there wasn’t a thing she could do about it.

  “I’m sure Will and Alice have missed their granddaughter,” Victoria murmured around the lump in her throat.

  His gaze slipped awkwardly away from hers. “I…want to thank you again for all you’ve done for Katrina. It means a lot to me.”

  Well, at least she meant something to him, Victoria thought, then breathed deeply as pain collected in the middle of her chest.

  “Like I told you before, Jess. I wanted to do it.”

  He stared at his coffee cup and as her eyes scanned his profile, she wished she could see inside him, to see for herself if he’d turned hard through and through or if, like her, he was hiding a part of himself.

  His fingers twiddled with the handle on his cup. “Well,” he said. “Just bill me for what I owe you—for your medical services. As far as I’m concerned, I couldn’t pay you enough.”

  To have him think he owed her, for anything, added a fresh layer of pain to that she already had. Everything she’d done for him and Katrina had been from her heart. “You don’t owe me anything, Jess.”

  Lifting his gaze back to her face, he stared at her in wonder. “You lost a week of work at your clinic, Victoria.”

  She shrugged. “I didn’t become a doctor to make money, Jess.”

  No, Jess thought, money had never been a priority to Victoria. She’d become a doctor because she’d watched her mother, Amelia, suffer with a rare muscular disorder that had finally taken her life. By going into medicine, she believed she could help the people in her community live longer, happier lives. As for treating Tucker, Jess supposed it had been too late for Victoria to fix the old man’s ailing heart. How that must have hurt her.

  The realization struck him hard and heavy and he wondered why it had taken all this time for him to start seeing things through her eyes. Had he been as blind as he’d accused her of being?

  “I know that,” he murmured. “But I don’t expect free medical service from you. I have insurance and—”

  “I said I didn’t want anything,” she interrupted in a tight voice. “Now please don’t bring it up again.”

  He watched her lips compress to a thin line as she bent her head toward Katrina. The whole idea of taking money from him was obviously insulting to her. Although in truth, he’d given her so much more last night as she’d lain in his arms. His very soul had poured into her. But then, she probably hadn’t wanted that part of him any more than she wanted his money, he thought ruefully.

  “All right,” he murmured. “I won’t.”

  Her dark eyes darted over to his face and for a moment, Jess thought she was going to say something. He could see indecision flickering in the green depths, but Marina suddenly arrived at the table with a platter full of pancakes and a pitcher of warm syrup to dispel the moment.

  “Is everybody ready to eat?” she asked.

  “Eat! Eat!” Katrina shouted while eagerly slapping her palms on the tabletop.

  The old cook grinned fondly at the youngster. “I’m glad someone around here appreciates my cookin’.”

  As Jess forked a few of the pancakes onto his plate, he glanced up at Marina and gave her a fond smile. “I’ll miss you when I’m gone, Marina. Maybe you’ll miss me, too, huh?”

  To his surprise, she patted his shoulder. “Maybe I will, Jess.”

  Across the way, Victoria blinked as hot tears scalded the back of her eyes. For the past week, she’d started to think of Jess and Katrina as family. Her family. And from the sad look on Marina’s face, the older woman had, too.

  For the next few minutes, Victoria helped Katrina eat her breakfast. She didn’t attempt to down any of the food herself. There was such a hard lump in her throat, it was all she could do just to swallow hot coffee.

  Once Katrina had her fill of pancakes, she carried the little girl to the bathroom and gave her a quick bath.

  Victoria was sitting on the edge of the tub, dressing Katrina in a pair of small jeans and a T-shirt printed with tiny sheep when Jess appeared in the doorway. Even before she glanced up, she could feel his eyes going over her flushed face and damp robe and she wondered what he was thinking and if leaving was pleasing him as much as it was killing her.

  “I have our things packed,” he said. “How much longer will it be before Katrina is ready?”

  “She’ll be dressed in a few moments.” She glanced toward the one window in the bathroom to see the early morning sun was just washing away the gray dawn. “Are you leaving this early?”

  He focused on the wall behind her rather than her face. “It will give me time to get Katrina home before I have to be at work.”

  “Oh. I
wasn’t thinking about your job.” She wasn’t thinking about anything. Except that it felt like she was losing him all over again. “I’ll hurry this along.”

  His sober gray eyes drifted downward to Victoria and then to his daughter. The sight the two of them together cut him with a fierce emotion he couldn’t, nor wanted, to understand.

  In a rough voice, he said, “I’ll go put our things in the truck, then meet you in the living room.”

  Five minutes later, Victoria had Katrina completely dressed and her wet curls combed into a gold-red halo around her head.

  “Daddy gone?” she asked as Victoria carried her out of the bathroom.

  Suddenly overcome with loss, Victoria paused in the hallway and hugged the child tightly to her breast. “No,” she told the child. “Your daddy isn’t gone. He’s coming back to get you. You’re going bye-bye this morning. You’re going home.”

  Unaware of the awful turmoil going on inside Victoria, the child squealed with excitement. “Bye-bye! Daddy take me, bye-bye!”

  By the time they reached the living room, Jess was already there waiting. Victoria kissed Katrina’s cheek, then lifted her up to him. The little girl instantly latched her arms around his strong neck and grinned happily down at Victoria.

  “Go bye-bye, too, Toria. You go, too!”

  Victoria was sure her heart was cracking down the very middle as she did her best to smile up at Jess’s daughter.

  “No darling. I have to stay here. But I’ll see you soon.” Maybe, she prayed.

  Jess moved toward the door. Victoria followed.

  “Well—” he began awkwardly, “I guess we’ll be going.”

  She didn’t say anything. She couldn’t.

  Jess studied the toes of his boots. “Thank you again, Victoria. I won’t forget all you’ve done.”

  And Victoria wouldn’t forget the precious moments she’d been in his arms, kissing his lips, giving him the most intimate part of her body.