Somebody to Die For

by Kris T. Bethke

“You’d be amazing. And a hell of a lot better than that crazy old coot they’ve got there now.”

  Avery smiled. “Your defense of me is sweet.”

  Jameson blushed a little, but he just shrugged. “It’s true. You’ve taught me more in a couple of months than I learned in a year and a half down there.”

  Avery held out a hand, and Jameson grabbed it and squeezed tightly. Avery’s shoulders relaxed, and Jameson fought a smile. He was so brave, and he’d come so far, but he still needed Jameson to shore him up. Jameson was more than happy to do it.

  “So you think I should?”

  His breath caught. Jameson hadn’t realized that Avery had been asking his opinion. As honored as he was that Avery wanted his thoughts, he had to be honest.

  “I think you’d excel at it. I think you’d do it well.” Jameson slid to the end of his seat so he could press a knee against Avery’s. “But I think it would take a toll on you. And without me—I mean someone—there to support you, I think it’ll be tough. Not that you couldn’t do it. But it would be hard.”

  Surprisingly Avery relaxed even further. Jameson actually saw the tension leave his shoulders. “I think that too. I’m made to be taken care of. I need help.”

  Jameson’s heart swelled. “I love that you know that and that you’re strong enough to ask for help. Some people don’t.”

  Avery smiled. “It’s not easy. But I’ve learned.”

  Jameson nodded. “So what do you think you’re going to do?”

  “I don’t know.” Avery stared off into the middle distance, and Jameson let him have some time to think. Eventually Avery spoke again, but his voice was barely a whisper. “I don’t want to let you go.”

  Until that moment Jameson didn’t know he was waiting to hear exactly that. And suddenly everything clicked. Maybe Avery wasn’t ready to hear it, but it had to be said.

  “I love you, Avery.”

  Avery jerked his gaze to Jameson’s, but he didn’t say anything. He just stared openmouthed, and Jameson gave him a small smile. He adjusted his position again so he could hold both of Avery’s hands.

  “The past few months have been… something special. I wanted you from the first moment I saw you, but more than that, you helped me grow as a person. I’ve learned so much from you.” Jameson drew a deep breath and let it out slowly. “And then you let me see the real you. I got to know you and help you in return. Touching you was a revelation. Kissing you is the best thing ever. I don’t want to let you go. I want to be there for you, no matter what.”

  Avery didn’t say anything, but Jameson didn’t really expect him to. He knew Avery would have to internalize it, maybe even freak out over it. But he kept talking because he needed Avery to understand.

  “I don’t know, yet, how we can keep this thing going. I don’t know who I’m going to be partnered with or where we’ll be assigned. I don’t know what they’re going to want or need. But I do know that, if you’ll have me, we can make it work. Because I love you.”

  Avery suddenly scowled. “This is such crap.”

  It was Jameson’s turn to stare openmouthed. It was hard to breathe. He’d just confessed his feelings, and Avery had thrown them back in his face. He never expected that.

  “You and I work just fine. Why are they even trying to find you a new partner?”

  Jameson sagged as acute relief flooded him when he realized what Avery was talking about. As gently as he could, he said, “Avery, honey, you don’t ghostwalk.”

  Avery opened his mouth and then shut it again. “I have. For you.”

  “I know.” God, Jameson loved him. He wanted to pull Avery into his lap and hold him. Then he realized he didn’t have to check his feelings and desires anymore. Everything was out in the open. He tugged on Avery’s hand, and after a second, Avery got the picture. He stood, moved into Jameson’s space, and allowed Jameson to pull him down. It was a tight fit in the chair, but they made it work.

  “I know you have,” Jameson repeated. “And it was one of the best experiences of my life. I love taking care of you, but I know that’s not what you want—not long-term, not without Luke.”

  Avery nodded, but Jameson wasn’t worried because he could see Avery was thinking. After a long moment, Avery sighed.

  “But I could again. I could do it.” Avery spoke slowly, almost as though he were talking to himself, so Jameson didn’t interrupt. “I didn’t realize how much I missed it. How much helping lost souls is a part of me. After Luke died, the hurt was all I could feel.”

  Jameson cupped the back of Avery’s neck and rubbed his thumb on one of the tendons. Avery relaxed against him, but Jameson could see half his face. He was still working himself out.

  “I never thought I could care about anyone again, but then you happened.” Avery looked up, his eyes wide. Jameson could see the affection in their dark depths. “I was finally ready to take a chance, and you came into my life. And you are exactly what I need.”

  Jameson had to kiss him. There was no way he could let a declaration like that go by without some sort of acknowledgment. He kept the kiss gentle, but he put all his love into it. From the way Avery kissed him back—as though Jameson were the very air he needed to breathe—Jameson knew Avery felt it too.

  When he pulled away, they were both panting, and Avery held on just as tightly as Jameson did.

  “What are you saying, honey?”

  “I have choices,” Avery murmured in the way that let Jameson know he was thinking out loud. “I can change my life in the way I want.”

  “You can,” Jameson agreed.

  Avery looked up at him, and his expression showed his worry and fear. But it also held affection and caring.

  “I can die for you. Because I know you’ll be right there for me in every way I need when I come back.”

  Jameson tried to swallow past the lump in his throat. “I will.”

  Avery turned so he could face Jameson better, and he ended up straddling Jameson’s thighs. Jameson didn’t mind. If he had his choice, he’d have Avery on his lap all the time.

  “I know it’s frowned upon for a ghostwalker and anchor to be involved,” Avery said seriously. “But after my experience, I don’t think I could have it any other way. If I didn’t have that connection with my anchor, I wouldn’t be able to do my job.”

  Jameson slid his fingers under the edge of Avery’s shirt because he needed to feel skin. “Makes sense to me.”

  Avery’s expression became stern. “It’s not going to be easy. It’s going to take a long time for me to be truly comfortable again, even though I know I can trust you. I’m not even going to pretend that I won’t have issues or freak-outs or bad days.”

  “Of course.” Jameson pulled Avery a little closer. “I know that. I expect that. But you don’t see me running, do you? I knew what I was getting into the first time I kissed you. I don’t expect you to be magically fixed overnight. But we can work on that together, don’t you think?”

  Avery’s smile was beautiful. “I love that you get it, that you always have. I couldn’t have done this with anyone else.”

  Jameson kissed him again—a quick, heat-filled peck—because he didn’t have the words to say how much that meant to him. Avery leaned against him and tucked his head under Jameson’s chin. For a long moment, they just sat, and Jameson reveled in being that close to Avery.

  He knew it wasn’t going to be an easy road. As far as Avery had come, he still had a ways to go. But Jameson knew he could support Avery through it. And when it was hard on Jameson—because he knew that would happen too—he was sure Avery would be there in return.

  “So,” Jameson said, loathe to break the silence but needing to know, “are we going to do this?”

  “Yes. I… yes.”

  “We’ll work it all out.” Jameson kissed the top of his head. “I love you, Avery.”

  LATER that night, Jameson lay awake while Avery slept soundly against him. He smiled as Avery snuffled and rolled over. The curtain flu
ttered in the breeze, and a shaft of light from the lamppost illuminated Avery’s features for a moment.

  God, he was just so beautiful.

  Careful not to wake Avery, Jameson slid out of bed. He found his jeans and pulled them on, not bothering with underwear. Then he grabbed his T-shirt from where it landed on the dresser. With one last glance to make sure Avery was still sound asleep, Jameson crept out into the hall.

  When he got downstairs, Jameson decided to slip out the back door and enjoy the cool night. He just needed some time to think. Since he couldn’t sleep, it seemed like the perfect place to do it. The night was quiet, and if Jameson strained his ears enough, he could hear the soft sounds of the river. He cocked his head and tried to discern which direction it was coming from.

  “You okay?”

  Derek’s deep rumble of a voice broke into his thoughts, but Jameson didn’t jump. Somehow, he wasn’t surprised that Derek had found him. He glanced over his shoulder and offered a smile.

  “Sure.”

  Derek studied him, nodded once, and joined him at the railing.

  “I thought maybe it was Avery sneaking out, so I wanted to check on him.”

  “He’s sleeping like a baby.” Jameson chuckled.

  “He does seem more content and happy than I’ve ever seen him.” Derek bumped him with a shoulder. “That’s all down to you.”

  Jameson shook his head. “Nah. It’s him and me together, I think.”

  “Probably.” Derek inhaled deeply and then let it out slowly. “I love it out here at night.”

  “It’s peaceful,” Jameson agreed.

  They stood together in silence for a long while, and then Derek cleared his throat.

  “So. Since it’s just you and me, I wanted to take a second and check in with you.”

  Jameson shot him a curious look. “Check in?”

  “Yeah. I want to know how you’re doing with it all.”

  Jameson shrugged. “It’s good. Avery is happy and settled and—”

  “I’m talking about you,” Derek interrupted gently. “I’ve seen how you are with him. I’ve seen your selflessness. And I know what he’s told me. I want to make sure you’re taking care of yourself.”

  Jameson opened his mouth and then shut it with a snap. Touched that Derek would think to ask and cared about the answer, Jameson gave it the appropriate amount of thought.

  “It’s funny,” he began slowly as he carefully chose his words. “Before Requiem, I’d have never thought of myself as, well, selfless. But being a part of this has changed my outlook on a lot of things.”

  “Sure.”

  “And taking care of him?” Jameson gestured over his shoulder toward the house. “Settles something inside me I didn’t know was restless. I mean, watching him overcome that hurdle, feeling his love….” Jameson shook his head and smiled. Avery might not have said it yet, but Jameson could feel it anyway. “That makes everything worth it.”

  Derek chuckled, the sound low and quiet. “Are you sure you don’t have the gene?”

  Jameson laughed too. “Yeah. But I think I was made for this anyway.”

  Derek studied him for a long moment. “Just remember to take care of yourself too. You can’t be there for him if you don’t.”

  “Right.” Jameson took a breath. “Can I be honest with you about something?”

  “Of course. And it goes no further than this porch if you don’t want it to.”

  Jameson didn’t worry about that. He didn’t know Derek very well, but he knew he could trust him.

  “It’s not easy. Sometimes, when he gets this certain look on his face or when he pushes me away… it hurts sometimes. And I know there’s going to be more of that in the future. It helps that I know he doesn’t mean it and that he’s working through it.” Jameson sighed. “But every once in a while, I wonder if it’s worth it. Putting myself through that.”

  Derek didn’t say anything for a few minutes. Then he straightened up and turned to rest a hip against the railing. “I get it. I’ve had those moments too. I love Blake more than anything, and I know he loves me too. But he had his own issues before we got started. We’ve had our ups and downs.”

  Jameson nodded and fixed his gaze on a spot in the darkness. Hearing that Derek and Blake had issues as well eased something inside. They were bonded and still had the occasional trouble. It was comforting to know he wasn’t alone in that way.

  “That’s relationships, I guess.”

  “It is,” Derek agreed. “So my advice, for what it’s worth, is simple. Just keep loving him. Let him love you. Be there for him when he needs it, and don’t be afraid to ask him for support back.” Derek put a hand on his shoulder. “Neither of you are perfect, but you’re perfect for each other. You’ll work through the hard stuff.”

  Jameson smiled. “That I never doubted. And honestly, he makes it easy. I feel like… there’s a part of me that thrives on taking care of him—like that also takes care of me.”

  Derek smiled. “You may not have the gene, but you were born to be an anchor.”

  Jameson thought so too. Or at least he was born to anchor Avery. He pushed away from the railing, clapped Derek on the shoulder, and turned back toward the house.

  “Thanks.”

  “Anytime. I mean that.”

  They said good night, and Jameson practically ran back upstairs, where he stripped off his clothes and climbed back into bed. As soon as he lay down, Avery turned over and snuggled up against him.

  “Love…. Jamie…,” Avery murmured, smacked his lips, and gave a soft snort.

  Jameson couldn’t stop the grin, even though he didn’t like the nickname. He’d be Avery’s Jamie if that’s what he wanted.

  “Love you too,” he whispered. He kissed the top of Avery’s head and closed his eyes.

  Seconds later he was asleep.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  SEEING the house empty hit Avery harder than he expected. He hadn’t been so naïve as to think he wouldn’t get emotional. In fact, he’d spent some time with a therapist over the past few weeks to prepare himself for that eventuality. She’d been helpful and had given Avery some coping techniques to make sure he could deal with it. He’d been using them for the past few days, and it had made a difference.

  But the empty house nearly tore him apart.

  The last time it had been nothing but walls and floor was the day he and Luke moved in. Luke was excited to decorate, because he had a great sense of aesthetic, and he was convinced it would be their forever home. Avery hadn’t been quite as attached to the house then, but after Luke passed away, he held on to it with an iron grip. He needed it just to function.

  It had been a hard choice to give it up, but he couldn’t imagine living with Jameson there, and Jameson, fortunately, understood completely. He even suggested that Avery keep it, even though he didn’t live in it anymore. But that seemed ridiculous, and Avery’s therapist agreed that if he was ready to move on, this was a step he needed to take.

  Michael had pulled some strings, and Avery and Jameson had been assigned to the Duncan Moor branch. Avery didn’t think he could ghostwalk without Michael at least nearby. Working for him would be a challenge, only because he and Michael had been friends for so long, but Avery and Jameson both liked Duncan Moor.

  Avery had bought a townhouse two streets over from Blake and Derek, and Jameson was going to stay with him. They were both careful not to call it living together—Avery because he wasn’t ready and Jameson because he always did what Avery needed. Avery thought they would get there eventually. But not yet.

  “How you doing?”

  Jameson’s calm voice soothed some of the ragged hurt in Avery’s soul. He smiled as he turned. Jameson’s expression was all concern, but Avery saw the love there too. It was a great look.

  “Eh.” Avery shrugged. “I don’t know.”

  “That’s fair.” Jameson gave him a one-armed hug, and then stepped away. Avery felt weird about physical contact when th
ey were in the house he’d shared with Luke. He hadn’t even had to say anything to Jameson—he just got it.

  “Need a minute?”

  Avery nodded but then reached out and grabbed Jameson’s hand. He didn’t want to be alone, but he felt as though he needed to say goodbye.

  “Just….”

  Jameson squeezed his fingers, Avery closed his eyes, breathed in slowly, held it for a count of four, and exhaled through his mouth. Some of the techniques weren’t that different from meditation, and Avery was very good at that.

  He let his emotions wash over him, pass through him, and tried not to get mired down in them. His therapist—and Jameson too—were adamant that he needed to let himself feel whatever he did and not try to change it.

  “Having you here as I did this….” Avery blinked back the tears. “I couldn’t have done it without you.”

  “Yeah, you could,” Jameson said confidently. He squeezed Avery’s hand again. “But you don’t have to.”

  Avery gave him a watery smile and took a deep breath. “Wait outside for me?”

  “Of course.”

  A moment later the front door closed, and he was alone. For a second he was frozen on the spot, but he made himself move. He walked through the house, remembering. The bedroom where he and Luke had made love, where they shared their nights, had some of their biggest fights and their most-passionate makeups. The guest bedroom where Luke’s mother had stayed whenever she visited. The kitchen where Luke made all those extra special meals, catering to Avery’s favorites even when Luke himself didn’t care for them.

  There had been so much love in this house. It was hard to leave it behind. But just because the house was no longer his didn’t mean he was forgetting about Luke. He’d always carry Luke with him. The house was just a building.

  Avery smiled and headed for the front door. Yes, he’d shared his life with Luke in that home, but it wasn’t the only place he could find love. There was a whole lot of it waiting outside for him, and it was time he embraced it fully.

  Avery shut the door behind him, and the lock clicked in place for the final time. And there was Jameson, long and lean and beautiful, hip propped against the car. Avery walked right to him, and then into his space, knowing Jameson would welcome him with open arms.