She laughs and squeezes me a little before letting go. “Thanks. But I should get started on my homework. And I know all you really want to do right now is go and congratulate Danny.”
“No, that can wait,” I insist. “Really, we can just go.”
“Don’t be silly,” Meg says, and smiles at me. Her smile doesn’t look honest. “I’m okay, I promise. I just want some alone time with my homework.”
I don’t want to leave her alone. What I want to do is go home with her and make coffee and watch our Firefly DVD extras, or whatever movie she is rewatching this week: The Mummy, or The Princess Bride, or Return of the Jedi. But I know she gets this way sometimes, and she needs to be alone to process things. I don’t understand it, but I know I have to respect it. Maybe if I want to help her, I have to give her some space right now.
“Okay,” I say. “Promise you’ll text, though, if you change your mind about wanting company.”
Her smile looks a little more genuine when she rolls her eyes at me. “I promise.”
I smile back, and then I go to find Danny.
Chapter 41
Meg
I KEEP IN THE BACKGROUND a bit while Linus goes over to join the small group surrounding Danny. I smile when anyone makes eye contact with me and give out congratulations to all those who got cast. But other than that, I mostly keep to myself. I want to leave, and I’m going to slip out the first chance I get, but the moment doesn’t seem right and as disappointed as I am, I don’t want to seem rude.
I watch Stella, the five-foot-nothing green-haired firecracker who got the lead, high-fiving Katie and then hugging Alyssa. There’s no use denying it; this kind of hurts. I wasn’t that bad, was I?
Sure, I’m the new kid in the group, but so is Linus. And so is Danny, for that matter, and he got a lead. Sort of. Watson counts as a lead, right? But, okay, I guess he does have more experience than Linus or I do.
“Hey,” Alyssa says, suddenly showing up next to me. I know she’s on the casting committee. She’s been in this club for years. But if she’s on the committee, that means she probably didn’t like me, either.
“Hey,” I say, not sure how friendly I want to be right now.
“I’m sorry it didn’t work out for you,” she says. “There’s just not that many roles, and we’re a pretty big club, so—”
“No, I know,” I say. “I get it. No big deal. I guess I wasn’t that good.”
“No, you were,” she hurries to assure me. “You were really good. And—I just wanted to say, you should definitely audition again for the next play once we start rehearsals in January because you’re pretty much guaranteed a part since you didn’t get one this time around. It’s just—”
“It’s really okay,” I interrupt, because I’m not sure I want to talk about this.
“We just liked your idea of gender-bending so much,” she goes on to explain. “That’s why we cast some of the roles the way we did. That’s why Stella is playing Sherlock and Katie is Inspector Lestrade. If it hadn’t been for that, we would have probably given you Linus’s part. It was a tie between the two of you, but we had so many girls in male roles, we found we should cast one boy in a role that’s traditionally played by a girl.”
“But you thought he was good, right?” I ask, raising both eyebrows at her.
She nods. “He’s gonna be great. Of course. And … we wanted to do something different. You know? We were going for the unexpected.”
I sigh. “So I wasn’t just way too bad?”
“Of course not.” She shakes her head. “Meg, you were really, really good. And I hope you’re still going to stick around without a part? Because there’s so much behind the scenes. I’m actually not performing, either. And I could really use your help.”
“With what?”
“They made me stage manager for the production,” she says proudly. “I can’t do that by myself. So, if you want—I could really use you on my team. Wow, that sounds so official, sorry.” She laughs. “What I meant was: Would you like to help me behind the scenes? I could really use some help.”
The more I think about it, the more I have to admit that it does sound really cool. It’s not what I wanted, but I can’t bail on the club and on Linus. At least they can’t think I’m completely horrible if they’ll still let me participate like this. And I guess I need to be involved somehow if I want to stick around without seeming weird.
So I swallow my pride and nod. “Okay,” I agree.
It could be worse, I guess. I’m still sad, but at least it wasn’t personal. Maybe being a simple stagehand could be fun, too.
I’m still wondering if I’m always going to be rejected for everything that I want. First my girlfriend dumps me and now this. But whatever, right? It really could be worse. That’s not much of a consolation, but at least Project Danny is still in full swing and going better than ever because now I can really push them to run lines together. Maybe I should just focus on that for now.
Chapter 42
Linus
I DO HAVE TO ADMIT that I am a little bit nervous meeting Danny at the coffee shop on Saturday. At the same time I’m kind of grateful that we’re not meeting at either one of our houses. We haven’t met up just the two of us since we had to do that romantic scene in drama club together on Tuesday and after that, I’m afraid that meeting up in private might just feel a bit too intimate. Fortunately, he has two younger siblings, twins, who apparently make too much noise to get much studying done, and he hasn’t really asked why I don’t want to meet at my house.
The truth is, I love my parents, but if I ever brought a boy home even under completely innocent circumstances, I’d never hear the end of it. It’s not that I’m afraid they’d embarrass me … well, yes, okay. I am a little worried that they might embarrass me.
So I arrive at the coffee shop almost exactly on time—Mom let me use her car today since she doesn’t have anywhere to be anyway. Once again, Danny is already there before me.
I can see him through the coffee shop window, sitting at the table that we could probably be calling “our usual table” by now if there was a need for us to have things like a usual table at our favorite coffee shop. Even calling it “our” favorite coffee shop feels different to me today and while it’s a good feeling to some extent, it also makes me feel a little uncomfortable because I’m still pretty sure that it’s a completely one-sided feeling. Or at least I haven’t had any concrete evidence disproving this hypothesis so far.
The thing is, he makes it really almost impossibly hard to not be feeling these things. I’d have a hard time not feeling them if it was just him sitting there looking so cute with his black spiky hair and that adorable face. But as if that isn’t enough, I can see the two coffee cups in front of him, and no matter how many times I tell him that I can get my own coffee, he always gets here before me and buys me one. So, he gets his employee discount, but he should at least let me pay him back for some of those coffees. I know he works here to save up for a better car. He shouldn’t be spending all of his money on coffees for me.
And then there’s the fact that he’s just so nice all of the time and he even didn’t have a problem doing that romantic scene with me in front of people, and all of this is just too much for my poor little heart to handle.
Which is probably the reason I’m still just a little bit upset with Meg. She knows how I feel about him and she must know that I don’t stand an actual chance with him, and I know she was the one who suggested the gender-bending exercise. I don’t know why she keeps insisting on pointing out this one thing I know I can never have.
But even if I’m a little upset with her, not even that can spoil my mood today. Danny has been so nice about helping me, has even offered to run lines with me, and now we are meeting for coffee (and math) and all of that is still good even if it’s not precisely what I wish it could be. But I’m content taking it for what it is. Maybe he’s never going to be my boyfriend, but he can still be my friend, and that’
s a really nice thought.
I walk into the coffee shop and he smiles when he sees me and no, I really don’t know how I could possibly be in a bad mood today.
“Linus,” he says. “I got you a coffee!”
“You seriously don’t have to keep doing that,” I tell him, sliding into my seat and dropping my bag next to my chair.
“It’s no big deal,” he assures me. “So. You’re an actor now!”
I laugh. “Hardly. But getting cast was certainly a nice surprise.”
“You’ve earned it. And—I like that we can practice together now.”
“Oh, I, uh.” I laugh. “Yeah, um, same here. Definitely!”
“You wanna start next week? I was thinking we could just extend our tutoring sessions. Just get all the math out of the way and then go right to the fun stuff.”
I nod emphatically. “Of course! We can do that! Absolutely!”
“Good. I’d really like that.” He beams at me.
“But you know you don’t have to, though, right?” I hurry to assure him, because I don’t want him to think I expect his help in exchange for the tutoring or anything.
“I know,” he says. “But it’s going to be fun!”
“Just—I don’t want to monopolize your time like that. I’m grateful for any help, though! And I’m sure you have a lot of helpful advice. I honestly don’t know much about acting at all, but that means I should probably read up on it. I mean—do you know any good books on acting?”
He lowers his head, fingers playing with a napkin. “Linus—if, um. You’d tell me if you ever, you know. Wouldn’t want to hang out or anything, right?”
“Uh.” I pause, gaping at him, a little taken aback at this weird change of topic. “What?”
“I just—” He sighs, shrugs. “I’m a little worried that—that maybe you’re getting a little sick of me always being around.”
“What—no. No! What?”
“I mean, you’re always pretty fast at pointing out that we’re just studying together or that you don’t really need me to drive you home or that you’re only working with me in drama club because I give good acting advice or whatever. And, um. If I’m … annoying you, ever, could you—you can just tell me, you know? I won’t be offended. I promise. I don’t ever want to crowd you or anything, and I don’t want to be that annoying sort of friend who constantly overstays his welcome.”
I’m feeling a little panicky, a bit like I just sidestepped into an alternate dimension. “I—um. That’s not—why did you—”
“I just really like hanging out with you, you know?” he cuts off my stuttering. “But I know we’ve been hanging out a lot and, I don’t know, I never meant to—I get that you have other things in your life—”
“You like hanging out with me?” It’s certainly not what I meant to say, but it’s what comes out when I open my mouth again.
He grins, rolls his eyes at me. “Of course I do! We’re friends, right?”
“We—are?”
“I—thought we were. I hoped we were. I mean—”
“But, but—”
“Oh god, I’m sorry. You only ever agreed to tutor me. I totally misinterpreted everything, didn’t I?” he asks, horrified.
“No!” I am completely in over my head with this and I don’t have the slightest idea what to do, but I absolutely cannot let him think that I don’t want to be friends with him. “Of course we are friends. Of course we are! If you—if you want to?”
“Linus,” he says. “Of course I want to. We have fun, right? You’re smart, and you’re funny. And—and—” He breaks off, blushing dark red and lowering his head. “I’d be honored to call you my friend.”
I have never had a friend before who I am also in love with. But I guess high school is a good time for new experiences, isn’t it? “If by smart you mean good at math and by funny you mean clumsy, then I guess you have a point,” I joke.
He laughs. “So, to seal our new friendship, can I buy you a cookie? Or maybe a new cup of coffee before we get started on the tutoring?”
“No,” I say firmly. “It’s my turn to buy you a coffee.”
“But you’re already giving up your afternoon to teach me all about how numbers aren’t actually evil!”
“Don’t mention it,” I say, and grin. “That’s what friends are for, isn’t it?”
His answering smile is all I need to fully restore my good mood from earlier.
Chapter 43
Meg
THE WEEKEND IS INCREDIBLY BORING. I am bored and lonely and Linus has even canceled our Star Trek rewatching plans because apparently Danny needs more tutoring and then they have to work on memorizing their lines for the play or whatever. The play that I am not a part of.
I have to study, too, so it’s not like I don’t have anything to do. But the thing is, I can’t really focus on anything all Saturday, and Sunday isn’t much better.
Mom has brought work home and doesn’t have time to listen to my whining. And I don’t really want to write to Sophia because … well, I’m mad at her. Again. All her advice about drama club and yet here I am, by myself, not included in all of their fun. I got what I wanted, I try to tell myself. I got Linus to hang out with Danny even more. But in the process I also apparently managed to end up completely alone and abandoned and friendless. Which is just perfect.
I sigh and roll my eyes at myself so hard I almost give myself a headache. I’m seriously starting to annoy even myself.
There’s a slight chance that I have simply forgotten how to be by myself. It’s a possibility. I have been in a steady relationship since I was fifteen, and we spent almost every waking moment together. And when we weren’t together, I was hanging out with Linus. I don’t think I have actually had to spend an entire weekend by myself in … two and a half years?
Can you forget how to be alone? That seems stupid, because you cannot actually keep yourself company, can you? So can you really have to learn to live with yourself? Isn’t that just something that you do anyway?
But honestly, I have no wish at all to answer any of those questions. Because they don’t matter. I’m just being dramatic and feeling down because I still hate being single and because my best friend has someone new to hang out with now. And Linus has always been there for me before. So I am simply very unused to this kind of situation.
It’s just … maybe it’s time to face reality? The reality is that I’m alone. Sophia and I can talk, but she’s never coming back. And I can keep trying to set up Linus, but if it works he won’t have time for me anymore and if it doesn’t he might end up being mad at me for pushing him into this. It seems like either way I can only lose.
There’s a knock on my door and I sit up quickly on my bed. “Yes?”
Mom sticks her head around the door frame. “Meggie?”
“What’s up?” I don’t even find it within myself to protest the stupid nickname I hate so much.
“I’ve decided that I can read the rest of that paper on Monday and wanted to know if you were maybe up for pizza and The Matrix?”
I frown at her. “You said you needed to read that as soon as possible because Professor Clarke coauthored it and he was your new boss and he expected all of you to—”
“Yeah, well,” she interrupts me, mouth set in a grim line as she takes another step into my room, “Professor Clarke can take a long walk off a short pier, for all I care. I have already given up several hours of my precious weekend trying to read his pretentious and tedious and quite possibly terribly, terribly wrong excuse for a paper and I’d really like to watch TV with my daughter now.”
“Are you sure?”
“About pizza and The Matrix? Do you even need to ask?”
I smile and just like that I’m already feeling better. Maybe I really just cannot be left on my own for too long. “I’ll be right down,” I promise.
“I’ll order the pizza,” she says. “Extra olives for you?”
“What kind of a question is that? Sta
rt ordering, woman!”
She rolls her eyes at me. “Jeez, your manners are impeccable. Were you raised by wolves?”
I throw my pillow at her and she quickly ducks back out the door, laughing all the way down the stairs.
* * *
I find Linus by his locker Monday morning and Danny is standing right there next to him, watching him in this way he does when Linus has his attention elsewhere. Despite my growing feeling of loneliness, I’m really glad that they’re spending so much time together. And, come on. I am a little bit responsible for that, am I not? You can’t deny that I helped.
“Hey,” I greet him, walking up to him.
“Hi,” he says, looking up at me.
“How was your weekend?”
He smiles a little shyly, exchanges a look with Danny, closes his locker door. “It was fine. Thank you. How was yours?”
I shrug, and think, Lonely. Boring. Never to be repeated, if possible. What I say is, “It was okay. Mom and I watched movies. There was pizza.”
“Pizza is good.”
“Yeah. I really like pizza.”
Danny stays quiet throughout the entire exchange, and sometimes I do wonder what these two talk about when they’re on their own.
“Are you prepared for debate this afternoon?” Linus asks.
“Oh! Absolutely! So prepared! You?”
“Have I ever been unprepared for a debate?”
I laugh. Linus has no business being a good debater, with his endless patience and kindness, at least not if you ask most people. He always leads the winning team, though. Patience and kindness win more debates than rudeness and raising your voice a lot of the time.
“Do you need a ride home after school?” I ask.
He bites his lip and shifts a careful step closer to Danny. “Uh, we’re—studying, this afternoon. At the coffee shop. So no. Thank you!”
This is what I wanted. This is why I’ve been doing this. To make the two of them want to spend time together. I’ve accomplished my goal! Then why does it sting like this when he suddenly doesn’t need me anymore?
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