Meg & Linus

by Hanna Nowinski

  I nudge her arm with mine, grinning. “I thought you weren’t sure about Danny.”

  She rolls her eyes. “I wasn’t, until you brought it up. After that it took me about half an hour to notice it, too, and then I just felt stupid for not seeing it earlier. I’m glad they finally came to their senses.”

  “I know, right?” I say happily, and let her help me push the sofa onstage so that the setting for the first scene is complete. I’m not about to reveal my dubious part in their matchmaking. I’m just glad that’s all behind us now.

  We join everyone else for the show circle as soon as we’re done and then it’s almost time—our final performance of our first-ever drama club play.

  Our backstage team is a well-oiled machine by now and I actually get to observe quite a bit of the performance while I hand people their props and help Stella change her costume a few times. There’s going to be a DVD of the production, but seeing it live is different—better, I think. Also, Linus is just great, and I’m quite sure no one except me sees it but I’m having a lot of fun observing the sneaky looks exchanged between Watson and Mr. Hudson. For me, it’s the best part of this particular performance.

  Chapter 60

  Linus

  THE LAST PERFORMANCE IS A lot of fun and goes really well and I’m definitely enjoying it more now that I’ve made up with Meg. I’m so glad that we’re still friends.

  I only spot Sophia in the crowd once the show is over and I’m leaving the auditorium to meet my parents out in the hall so they can hug me and go home before I leave for the after-party with everyone.

  She’s standing a little off to the side, already surrounded by various other drama club people who still know her from last year, and for just a second I hesitate. But she has already seen me and she looks as unsure as I feel and … I can’t just walk away.

  So I walk over, doing my best to not look too nervous.

  “Linus,” she calls out to me. “It’s so good to see you.”

  “It’s good to see you, too,” I say, and let her hug me. “What are you doing here?”

  “My exams were early so I’m home for Christmas vacation already. And … I just wanted to see the play.”

  “Oh. Did you like it?”

  “It was awesome. You were great.”

  “Thank you!”

  “And your guy is really cute, too.”

  “I, uh.” I let out a nervous little laugh. “Yeah. He is. Um. He and I—we’re—”

  Her face lights up. “Wait, what? Really?”

  I nod. “Really.”

  “I’m so happy for you,” she exclaims, and hugs me again.

  “Thanks.”

  “Uh,” she hesitates. “I was—I was actually invited to the after-party just now. But … do you know where Meg is? I don’t really want to go without making sure it’s okay with her. This is your thing now; I don’t want to make everything super awkward.”

  “Yeah, that’s—” I look around, glad that she brought it up. “I don’t know where she—oh, there she is,” I say as I see her exiting the auditorium right at that moment. “Hold on—”

  I hurry toward her but I can see from her face that she’s already seen who I was just talking to. She looks … not angry, but definitely shocked.

  “I didn’t know she would be here,” I say as soon as I reach her. “She just wanted to see the play.”

  “It’s fine.”

  “I mean, she still has friends in the club and she wanted to see them, and—”

  “Of course she did. I was actually kind of expecting her to show up eventually.” She sighs.

  “They invited her to the after-party,” I say. “But she says she won’t go if you don’t want her to.”

  Meg looks at me, and she’s pale but I recognize the determined look on her face. “No, she should come.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “I don’t want to spoil everyone’s fun. She’s their friend. She’s allowed to hang out with them.”

  “Will you still come along, too?” I want to know. “Because I won’t go if you won’t. You’re not going to hang out by yourself tonight.”

  “You’re my favorite friend,” she says, smiling at me. “I’m okay, Linus. Really. We can all go. It’ll be fun. I won’t even have to talk to her. There are enough people going, right? We can all just … stay respectfully away from each other.”

  I smile back at her and nod, and I’m not sure whether she’s as fine as she says she is or just putting on a brave front, but all I can do is trust her judgment on this. “Okay. If you’re sure.”

  “I am. Just—can you tell her? I don’t want to—”

  “Yes, of course,” I promise. “I’ll let her know. And then I just have to find my parents and then we can go, okay?”

  “I’ll find your parents for you and bring them over here,” she offers. “They’re probably with my mom anyway.”

  “Deal,” I say, and walk back to Sophia to relay the message.

  * * *

  The party is at Stella’s house and all the drama club kids are there. All of my new friends, and my best friend, and—drumroll, please—my boyfriend.

  Because Danny is officially my boyfriend now, and it’s a little too good to be true, but still. It is true. I have a boyfriend.

  We will still study together and have coffee together and he will still drive me around in his battered old rust bucket that he calls a car.

  But now he also holds my hand when we sit next to each other and he kisses me and he tells me I’m cute, which I’m still not used to hearing. I mean, it’s only been a day. However, in that one day he has also managed to mention that I’m hot, which just made me laugh in his face, but hey, if he wants to think that, then I’m not complaining. Maybe I’ll get used to the compliments eventually.

  Tonight we’re all sitting around Stella’s parents’ living room, having a Star Wars marathon (original trilogy), which apparently counts as an after-party, and there’s pizza and cookies and tea and it’s all very cozy and peaceful and so, so different than I imagined a party to be. I like it.

  We don’t all fit on the couch so we’re scattered across the floor. I’m sitting with my back to the couch and I have a wonderful, kind, good-looking boy attached to me firmly with his arms around my middle and his head cushioned on my shoulder. I rest my cheek against his spiky hair, which he is wearing less spiky specifically for this occasion, and sigh happily.

  Does life get any better than this?

  “You suggested the movies, didn’t you?” he whispers to me, and I turn my head to look down at him.

  He still looks cute even in extreme close-up like this. “I might have,” I tell him.

  He grins and kisses me, says, “You’re amazing,” and cuddles back into my side.

  I can’t imagine a better way to celebrate.

  Chapter 61

  Meg

  LINUS AND DANNY ARE ADORABLE together. I’m relieved that I was right about that and that they are both still talking to me. I know what I did was a little much, but hey, they’re happy. I’m happy. We’re all happy, and there is really nothing better than that.

  “Does anyone want more popcorn?” Stella asks, lifting the bowl and waving it around the room.

  “Sure,” Katie says, grabbing for it. “Want me to make some? You have those bag things for the microwave, right?”

  “I can do it,” I volunteer, snatching the bowl from Stella before Katie can get it. I feel like I should contribute a bit to the evening if I really do want to be a part of this group.

  “Thanks,” Stella says. “Top drawer next to the fridge. Come get me if you can’t figure out the microwave.”

  I wave at her and struggle to my feet; I’m sure I can figure out how the microwave works.

  Feeling finally like a real part of this community, I make my way to the kitchen to get a new bag of popcorn. These people are awesome. And it doesn’t even really matter that Sophia is here, I tell myself. She’s staying out of my way,
talking to her old friends, and if this is all I have to endure for the evening, I can absolutely do it, I can—

  “Meg?” a voice behind me speaks up, a voice I haven’t heard in months.

  I swallow, turn slowly, not sure what I want to happen next. “Sophia. Hi.”

  “I thought. Um. Sorry if this is weird. I can leave. I just thought—I thought we could use a moment alone together.”

  “Um.” I cross my arms as she steps farther into the kitchen and try to come up with something to say. “We have talked. Even though you were apparently talking to my best friend already at that point.”

  “Yeah. I’m really sorry about that. I was hoping we could have an actual conversation? About all of that?”

  I can’t keep myself from laughing out loud. “You dumped me, moved away, and then used Linus to—what, spy on me behind my back? And so far, I don’t have an explanation for any of it. I have no clue what happened and you have made no effort to explain any of it to me. And—I don’t know, Sophia. I thought—even if we’re over, am I not at least worth an explanation?”

  She stares down at her hands. Silence stretches for several moments before she lowers her head further, sighs. “You’re right. I wasn’t being fair to you. I wasn’t being fair to either of us, but I should have—I could have explained. I could have talked to you, I—Meg, can we maybe step outside for a moment? I think we should—I’ll explain. If that’s what you want. Just, can we go somewhere no one will walk in on us?”

  “We’re at a party.”

  “I know. Sorry. I know. We can—let’s talk some other time; we can—”

  “No.” The microwave dings behind me and I open it to snatch the bag out, reach for the bowl on the counter to refill it. “Let’s talk now. I’ll just bring this back to the others and then we can—I don’t know, front porch?”

  “Okay.”

  It’s not a conversation I particularly want to have right now, but on the other hand, I’m not sure I’m going to be able to enjoy the rest of the night with this hanging over us. Better to just get it over and done with.

  She meets me out on the front porch once I’ve handed the popcorn over to Malik, who was making grabby hands for it when I entered the living room. I mumbled something about having to make a quick phone call, just took a second to grin at Danny and Linus, who were holding hands and looking more at each other than at the screen, and then slipped out.

  And there she is, sitting on the front steps, never taking her eyes off of me as I sit down next to her on the cold steps. This is really not the time of year to be sitting outside for too long.

  “Okay,” I say. “You wanted to talk. So talk.”

  She nods. “I made a mistake, Meg. I’m sorry. I screwed up. And I know I can’t just—fix it. I know that’s not how it works. But I want you to know—” She looks back up at me, and her face is serious. “I regretted it before I was even all the way out the door. You have to believe me.”

  “What did you regret? Breaking up with me?”

  “Yes.”

  “Then why did you do it? I have tried and tried to understand it. For months now. And I still don’t—I didn’t even see it coming, you know?”

  “I know. I—didn’t, either. Does that sound crazy?”

  “Yeah, it does. You were the one to dump me.”

  “It seemed like the best thing to do at the time. It wasn’t—I didn’t think it through. I just wanted what was best for the both of us.”

  “You mean you wanted what was best for you!”

  “No!” She looks actually shocked. “If that had been the case, I would never have broken up with you! Never!”

  “I can’t really say that I understand this,” I admit. “If you didn’t do it for you, then—”

  “I thought you’d be better off,” she says quickly, then sighs, rubs a hand over her face. She looks tired. “Maybe that was stupid. But I just wanted—I just wanted you to be happy.”

  “That makes no sense. None. At all. Sorry.”

  “I know. And no matter what I say, it’s going to sound like an excuse. I can’t change that. But I want you to know that I regret it. For whatever that’s worth. I wish I hadn’t done it. I—” She closes her eyes, swallows. “I miss you.”

  “You wouldn’t have to miss me if you hadn’t dumped me.”

  “I know that. I know. But I’d still be away at college and … I thought it would be better this way.”

  “How did you think it was what I wanted?”

  “I thought—” She shrugs. “I was going to move away and we’d be hours apart. There was no way we could still see each other all the time; it would all be so difficult.”

  “We had plans for that. We were going to alternate visits, every other weekend. And there’s Skype. And texting. And e-mail. And phone calls. And next year I was going to join you in—”

  “But that’s the thing,” she interrupts me. “You were going to give up all this time to talk to me and to spend time with me. We wouldn’t just be able to do our homework together or nap together or just have a random hug in the third-floor corridor between classes. It would have taken so much time and effort.”

  “And I was absolutely willing to put in that time and effort. And you know that. I wanted to do it for you, for us, and it was only a year and then I’d have—”

  “You were going to go to my college,” she says. “Even that was determined by us being together. I was going to keep you from your studies and then you were going to follow me to my college. Which has a great arts department, but is that what you want? When you could be doing anything, Meg? Anything at all? It was only going to hold you back! Your strengths are not my strengths. And you weren’t even going to try getting into all those amazing places that could teach you so much more?”

  “If you had wanted me to pick a different college, why didn’t you just say so?”

  “It’s not even about that. It’s not about me wanting things. Because honestly? I wanted you to follow me. Of course I did! I couldn’t stand the thought of a year apart. But the thought of making it five years or more? It killed me.”

  “So instead of separating us for a few years, you split us up for good.”

  “Everyone always says it’s like ripping off a Band-Aid, right? Get it over with and then start recovering.”

  “Oh yeah? How is that working out for you?” I raise an eyebrow at her.

  “I really messed everything up, didn’t I?”

  I nod. “Yes, you did. You should have talked to me about your concerns. Maybe we could have figured something out. Instead you just went ahead and made the decision for me.”

  “The same way you made the decision that Danny and Linus should be together?”

  “Hey, that was different!”

  “Was it, though?”

  “I don’t know. Maybe not. I really can’t tell anymore. I don’t know. But it worked out between them, didn’t it?”

  “I really do miss you, Meg.”

  And there it is, the thing I have been wanting to hear for months. And now that I have heard it, I’m just not sure what to do with it anymore. I’m not sure what it means. I miss her, too. There is no use denying that. I miss her every single day, so much I have to make an effort not to think about her every minute. But it’s been a long few months since we last saw each other and a lot of things have changed.

  “So where does that leave us?” I ask.

  “Do you ever miss me?”

  “Of course I do. I love you.”

  “I love you, too,” she tells me, and it doesn’t feel like it used to, to hear those words, just like it doesn’t feel like it used to, to say those words. It used to make me so happy. But now I’m just not sure anymore what it even means.

  “We can’t just go back,” I decide. “That’s not—I don’t want that.”

  “But we can’t go back to not talking, either,” she says. “I mean, we always seem to end up talking to each other again anyway.”

  “W
e could make a conscious effort,” I suggest. “If we both agreed. I could delete your number and you could delete mine. I could block your e-mail. If we wanted to, we could establish complete radio silence. At least for a while. Or even for good, if that is what you wanted.”

  She pauses. “Is that what you want?”

  “I asked you first.”

  “That’s not fair.”

  “Yes, it is. You started this. You owe me this. Tell me what you want, and then we can go from there.”

  “I—” She wraps both hands around her knees, blinks down at the snow-covered ground. “I can’t stand not talking to you. I don’t think we can just disappear from each other’s lives like this.”

  I honestly hadn’t known what I wanted, but the relief I feel at her answer tells me that I probably had been hoping for something like this.

  “So, we keep talking?”

  “Are you okay with that?”

  I don’t know. I just don’t know. But it seems better than any alternative. Because she’s sitting there across from me and after everything that has happened, she is still the same Sophia I know so well. My Sophia. And I know that things have changed, but does that have to mean that everything has to be over?

  “We could just—” I shrug. “We could just text and e-mail and chat. Maybe call each other. I don’t know. We could try being friends. Would you like to try that?”

  “I think I really would,” she says. “If you would.”

  “It was my idea.”

  She smiles and bumps our shoulders together. “Thank you.”

  “That’s what friends are for,” I say, and … this is weird. It’s weird sitting here with her and not wanting to kiss her. But maybe in time this can be our new thing. Meg and Sophia, best friends forever. Maybe we can actually make that work, at least. I like the thought.

  “You know,” she says, “that scene on Buffy? When Willow and Oz break up. And she says that stuff about how when she’ll be old and blue-haired and turning a corner and he’s there, she won’t be surprised?”

  “Do you think that could be us?” I say, leaning against her a little.