Dark Light
Page 20
I dare to look up and into his eyes. It overcomes me again, the feeling of peace and tranquility. I savor in it as one would savor the warm sun on a cold day.
He looks down breaking our connection. "Do you mind if we go inside?" He asks.
I should say no, but everything inside me says yes. "Okay." I step around him, careful not to make contact with him, and unlock my door.
Once we are both inside Chance goes right to making himself comfortable by taking a seat on my couch. It's odd looking at him sitting there. I've never actually seen anyone sit on my couch. Actually, I've never had anyone in my apartment except for the building’s maintenance supervisor for the occasional repair. Something about the way he stares at me feels extremely intimate.
He runs his hands through his hair and asks, "So how long have you been a Receiver?"
"Excuse me?" Most of us who have gifts don't vocally advertise it; so to hear him say what I am out loud strikes a chord that puts me at instant unease.
"Come on Austin. I know what you are. I don't see why you are trying to hide it from me. You already know that I have a gift as well. You can trust me."
"I don't know you Chance and I don't trust anyone. Since you know what my gift is, I think you should tell me what yours is." I stand in front of him with my hands on my hips trying to look dominant.
"I don't think you really want to know what my gift is." Chance looks down at his hands.
Something about his posture and the way he says it hints of loneliness. Perhaps he and I may be more alike than I had originally thought. I relax my stance and decide to take a seat on the couch. I sit on the opposite side allowing the middle cushion to act as a barrier between us. It's not that I don't want to be close to him, because I do. In fact, I want too badly to be close to him, to touch him. That feeling I get is like a drug and I feel that the line to addiction is way too thin. I can't afford something so menial as dependence. No, I need to keep my distance, but that doesn't mean I can't find out what it is that causes that feeling. "I do want to know." I say urging him.
He looks up at me, catching my eyes and pulling me into that safe place that only he can seem to take me to. "Shield."
I shoot up off my couch like a rocket. Breaking eye contact with him sends sharp needles of pain shooting through my head. I use my fingers to massage my temples. Although I have my back to him, I can feel his stare. A freaking Shield! In my living room too, this is so not good. I should have known this whole time what he was! He's a Shield and Shields block gifts. That's what that feeling is, the absence of pain! My body doesn't understand what it's like to be without it so that explains the intense euphoric sensation I get from him.
"Do you even know the danger you put me in by being here? Do you even care? I can't believe you are a freaking Shield!" I wheel around and gasp when I find that he's standing only a foot from me. So close, that I can feel it radiating off of him, that blissful peace. If I just reach my hand out I can take some of it for myself. No! I ball my hands into fists to keep myself from reaching out to him.
"You don't think I know? Do you think a day goes by that I'm not reminded of what I am or what I run from? I didn't choose this gift! I wish it never were! I made a mistake in coming here. I don't know why I did. It was just...the feeling I got when you touched me. It was like coming home. I know it sounds absolutely absurd, but the instant you touched me, I felt like I had known you forever. I've never felt this before for anyone. I don't even allow anyone close enough to give it a chance." He runs his hands through his hair frustrated and continues. "Now, I'm just rambling on. I will leave. I'm sorry Austin" The look in his eyes is so sincere that I believe him.
I almost feel bad for Chance, but I can't afford to worry about it. I have to protect myself and as we speak I could be in danger. If word got out that I had a Shield in my home, I would be hunted just the same. I've heard stories of people being tortured in an attempt to extract information about a Shield's whereabouts. Shields are not allowed to exist outside of the Government. When you are labeled with the gift of shielding you are instantly forced to join into the militia forces. There is no choice; they are forced to serve. It is such a rare gift that only one in a million are said to have it. The Government knows the necessity of owning a Shield during wartime.
A shiver runs through me when I think of Chance being thought of as a belonging, not a man who has a choice. "How are you even here? I mean, how did you get away?"
"My mom chose to give birth at home with a midwife instead of going to the hospital. She had bad experiences with hospitals. She was a Receiver like you and the pain signals inside the hospital were too intense for her to handle. She said that she felt it the instant she held me in her arms when I was born. Many Shields do not show signs of their gift until later in life. My mom said that my gift must be exceptionally strong. My parents chose to hide me, knowing the fate that was bestowed on their only son. They paid off the midwife so that my birth was not documented." He pauses and takes a deep breath, moisture filling his eyes. "When I was fourteen, a neighbor realized what was going on. They turned us in. My parents tried to run with me, we survived for two years. When I was sixteen they found us. My parents forced me to run away, but I saw what happened. The Ghost Reapers came for them. They took everything from them trying to reap through their memories to find a hint of where I was. I wanted to go back and help them, but my mom made me promise that I would not allow their sacrifice to be for nothing by giving myself up. I never break my promises." He says the last part boldly.
Before I can catch myself, I find myself reaching out to touch him. It's unlike me, but I want to comfort him, perhaps since nobody was ever there to comfort me. I place my hand over his and it begins. I take in shallow breaths as I let the feeling run through me. This time I know what to expect, so I fight to maintain control and not pass out like some lightweight who had her first shot of Russian vodka. I look down at my hand that is still touching his and relish in the absence of pain. I look up into his eyes and see something there. I'm not sure what it is, but it's like hunger or need. When he leans into me and nears his lips to mine, I back away instantly freezing up in shock. Is he trying to kiss me? I've never been kissed before. I mean, I've seen people kiss, but I've never experienced one. I've never let anyone close enough to me to even try.
"I'm sorry Austin, I overstepped." He backs away looking concerned, like he hurt me.
I look down at my hand and see that I'm still holding on to his. I don't want to let it go. There is an irrevocable voice in the back of my head that is saying that I should never let it go. My heartbeat is racing and something feels strange within my stomach. It's like a fluttering inside that won't stop. I hold onto it with my empty hand hoping that if I hold my stomach tight enough the feeling will ease. It's not a bad feeling, but since I've never experienced it before, I feel vulnerable. I look up with confused eyes at Chance wondering if something is wrong with me. His emerald eyes look confused at first but then a look of knowing crosses them.
He rests his empty hand on my cheek then leans forward ever so slowly and places his lips upon mine. The feeling of the kiss runs boldly through my veins and I'm swept up in everything that is Chance. He pulls me closer to him kissing me harder now. I turn my mind off and allow myself to be, to enjoy for once in my life. To not care about the consequences or the outcome. It isn't until he pulls away that the thoughts flood my mind.
The first lame thought that seeps in is, did I do it right? I mean, I've never kissed a guy before, was it enjoyable for him? I instantly admonish myself for thinking such childish thoughts. The dilemma here is that he is a Shield. The worst thing of all is that something inside me tells me that I don't care. That I would gladly run away with this man if it meant that I could kiss him like that forever.
Chance can tell that I'm confused so he says gently, "I'm sorry Austin. I should have given you more time. I tried to...I just couldn't help it. I will go now." He breaks contact with me, which sends an ic
y shock through my body. Then he turns to head towards the door.
"Wait!" I yell a little too loudly.
He turns around and a look of encouragement flashes in his emerald eyes. “Will you come back?" I ask.
"Only if you want me to." He says with a look of hope on his face.
I nod my head.
"Then I will." He comes back up to me and places a tender kiss on my forehead, then heads out my door.
I find it hard to sleep tonight. My brain ramped up like a racecar. What are you thinking Austin? This is not like me. My life is about self-preservation. But what am I trying to preserve anyhow? My only goal has been to save enough to get the ghosting procedure. But now, this man comes along and throws my plans for a loop. I feel when I'm with him. For once in my life, I feel what it is like to be myself when I'm with him. I don't feel anyone else, or anything else. They don't exist. He shields me from it all.
Before I finally fall asleep a realization pops into my mind. My mother was a shield! That was why she was hunted and why I never received when we were together. It makes sense now. The only question now, is do I want to be like my father? I wish I could ask him if it were worth it. Running in fear with my mother, was it worth it?
***
I don't see Chance for the next two days. I look for him, against my better judgment. I wait for him to show up at the cafe or at my home, but he doesn't come. Tonight I've finally made the decision to stop looking for him. Why should I? I haven't depended on another human being since my parents were murdered. I don't need anyone. I don't need Chance. I try to convince myself of my last declaration.
There is a brisk chill in the air tonight. It's the kind that you can feel deep down in your bones. The icy cold intensifies the pains that radiate through my body. I pull my coat tighter around me and pick up the pace. I dislike working the graveyard shift at the cafe and having to walk home in the middle of the dead night. I couldn't turn away the offer for overtime pay. I'm so close to having enough money. By my estimate I should have enough by the end of the month to pay for the ghosting procedure in full. My stomach tightens in knots thinking of it. I never had a doubt in my mind that I wanted this until Chance had to come along. Ghosting turns it all off, I will basically just be. Some people continue to have slight emotions, but other than that you just exist with no highs, no lows, no feeling. Which for me means no pain. On the other hand it also means that I will never feel those strange fluttering sensations in my stomach that I experienced when Chance kissed me. I will never again have a desire to reach out and touch him...or anyone. Why did he have to come along and make me doubt?
When I reach my street I jog the rest of the way to my building door. Yanking it open I rush inside burring from the cold. It's not that much warmer in the hallway but at least the icy wind is not battering my body.
I head up the stairs to my flat but it isn't until I get to the landing that I sense that something's off. My door is ajar. I know I closed and locked it today when I left. Perhaps it's Chance! Maybe he came back. I allow myself to feel an ounce of excitement about seeing him again.
I push the door open further. No! Someone has been in my home. My few sparse belongings are thrown about around the room. The sofa that Chance and I had sat on just the other day is turned on its side. The cushions sliced open with stuffing spilling out.
A crash in the bedroom makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up on high alert. The instincts my parents ingrained in me for seven years sets in. I don't wait to see who or what is still in my house. I turn on my heel and flee not sparing a look back. I push through the door of the building and back out into the frozen silent night. I planned my escape route the day I signed the lease for my flat. Following the path I memorized, I run down the back alley and out onto the street that leads into the city center. My plan was to lose myself in the giant city and to take advantage of the fact that nobody looks or notices anything, making it easy to disappear. I hadn't accounted for it to be in the dead of the night when the streets are deserted.
When I turn onto Fifty-second Street I hear it. It's the sound of a second pair of running feet pattering against the pavement less than a block away. I dare to look back briefly and see that it's one of them, a Ghost Reaper! My heart starts pounding through my chest more from fear than from physical exertion. My brain starts running rampant trying to find a way out of this. The way I see it is that I have to lose it at the next turn and I have to lose it quick. The Ghost Reaper seems to be about matched with my speed so at least it's not gaining on me, yet. My eyes start darting from side to side as we come up on a few intersections. I make my choice and gear up to take the sharp turn.
When I get up to the corner I turn sharply and then dart down the street running with all that I have. I make it to another intersection and turn quickly allowing a slight glance behind me. It hadn't turned the corner yet. I picked a good street that has many alleys intersecting. Behind me on another street I hear a shrill scream in the dead of the night.
With fear running ice cold through my veins, I continue to run up the alley as fast as I can towards a busier street that can provide more shelter and places for me to hide. When I turn on it I take the opportunity to hide in the alcove of an apartment building catching my breath.
Straining my ears I try to listen for the sound of running feet. I hear nothing. Except for a revving engine. A car! I should have known! Ghost Reapers don't normally travel alone, they usually travel in packs. I turn around and try to open the door to the apartment building but it's locked. No time, the engine is roaring louder! I dart out into the street and high tail it down another alley. The sound of the screeching tires rings out in my ears. The alley is thrust into light when the lights of the car hit it. I look back. The car is in the alley, headlights screaming towards me.
I try to run faster, if only I were a Lifter and could take flight! Tears spring to my eyes as I see how far away the mouth of the alley is. I'm not going to make it! This is it. I think of the sound of my mother’s scream. Will it hurt when the Ghost Reapers take from me?
The car is so close to me that if I stopped right now, it would run right over me. I would rather die at the hand of a car than at the hand of a Ghost Reaper. I stop as suddenly as I started and turn around blinded by the oncoming lights. I close my eyes bracing myself to be hit. Bracing myself for the end of this life. Tears stream freely down my face. I had thought many times about my death and whether it would bring relief or not, relief from this pain.
Nothing comes, no pain, nothing. I open my eyes and find that the car has come to a halt. Why didn't it hit me? It takes me a moment to realize that this means I can run, I turn around and start off. I can't run nearly as fast as before because my legs are shaking so hard I feel as though they may give out below me.
A car door slams. No! I will never outrun this one!
"Austin!" I hear my name called out in the night from the direction of the car.
Chance! It's Chance! He came back for me! I turn around and run to him, tears of relief soaking my face. I run right into his arms gripping him tight.
"You are shaking. It's going to be okay Austin, I promise." He says holding me safe and secure. He repetitively runs his hand soothingly over the back of my head.
I don't say anything, I can't. I just take. I just receive all that he can give me. His strength, his comfort and the serenity he provides by shielding it all.
"Okay, we need to go now, we are not safe here." He says pulling away from me just a little. He takes my hand and guides me to the car. I climb inside reluctant to let go of his hand. "It's okay Austin." He says when he lets go of my hand then runs around and gets in to the drivers seat. He quickly picks up my hand again and doesn't let it go, not even when he shifts the gears, he just moves my hand with his, working the car as we start driving.
We don't make it out of the alley though; a car stops blocking us in. Chance lets go of my hand and shifts the gear into reverse. He stealthily maneuvers the car in
reverse all the way back to the entrance of the alley only to be blocked in by another car.
"No!" Chance yells along with a whole sleuth of other expletives. A Ghost Reaper gets out of the car and starts heading towards us. He's huge, looming about six feet tall and coming up towards the driver side door.
"Stay in the car, do you understand Austin?" He looks at me his face contorted with anger aimed at the situation, not me.
I nod my head quickly all the while my heart is pounding ferociously.
"Lock the doors," he says as he steps out of the car and slams the door.
It takes a lot to get my shaking hand to press the lock button. I turn around looking through the rear window as Chance goes up to the Ghost Reaper. The Ghost Reaper puts his hand out as if he will suck Chance's life force from him without even touching him. Then a look of confusion crosses his face.
"You idiot!" I hear yelled from far off. I look through the front windshield and see another Ghost Reaper all the way at the other side of the alley. This one looks a lot shorter. He yells out, "He's the Shield."
Chance takes the opportunity during the distraction to jump the bigger Ghost Reaper knocking him to the ground. I can't see what's going on but when I turn back around I see that the shorter Ghost Reaper has started running to back up his partner.
Chance seems like a strong guy, but I don't know how he will hold up if it's two against one. I start looking through the glove compartment for anything that I can use as a weapon. No dice. I guess if there were a weapon, Chance would probably have it on him. The shorter ghost reaper has already made it a quarter of the distance of the alley.
I have to think quickly. I jump over into the drivers seat. The keys are still in the ignition and the car is on. I try to recall my one lesson on using a stick that I learned in one of the foster homes. I throw my foot down on the gas and then double up on the clutch putting it into first. The car stalls out. Crap! I shakily turn the key over restarting the engine. I try it again. This time I make it into second and red line it towards my intended target. I'm less than a few yards away when the shorter Ghost Reaper pulls out a gun! As he aims it at me, I slide down in the seat and gun it as hard as I can towards him. I hear the shot crash through the windshield. It didn't hit me but the sound nearly deafens my ears. I sit up just in time to see the Ghost Reaper a few feet ahead aiming at me again, ready to take another shot. I punch the clutch and knock it into third. I let out a piercing scream as the car rams into the Ghost Reaper sending it sprawling up over my hood and into my windshield. Blood splatters across the glass. It's still moving! I slam on the breaks sending the Ghost Reaper plummeting back down to the floor of the alley.