Heroes in Uniform: Soldiers, SEALs, Spies, Rangers and Cops: Sexy Hot Contemporary Alpha Heroes From NY Times and USA Today Bestselling Authors

by Sharon Hamilton

  Friend. The word mocked him.

  It was hard to maintain that illusion when he’d nearly given himself away a dozen times. He had to stop touching her. Stop looking at her. And watch what he said.

  Not that any of it seemed to bother Ellyn. All she seemed to worry about was that he might actually do something to lift some of the burden from her shoulders. He should be grateful she hadn’t picked up on his struggle. He was. Mostly.

  Grateful, too, for this time with them. Ellyn, Meg and Ben.

  Easing off the accelerator as he reached the edge of town, Grif smiled as he thought of Ben’s enthusiasms and Meg’s slow, reluctant, but undeniable warming.

  A hand extended out the open window of a pickup coming the other way, and a call of “Hey, Grif” floated out. The late afternoon sun glared across the windshield, so he couldn’t see the driver, but it didn’t matter, as he returned the wave and the hello. Everyone in Far Hills had welcomed him as if he really belonged here.

  It was a good place. A good place for Ellyn and the kids to build a life and put down roots.

  A good place for him to spend some time.

  As long as he didn’t let it make him want things that were impossible.

  Shouldn’t have trusted you? That’s crazy, Grif. Of course he trusted you. We both did. Why on earth would you say we shouldn’t?

  The answer was so loud in his head, he would have thought the words had escaped, except he’d had his mouth clamped firmly shut.

  Because I wanted you myself.

  At The Heart’s Command: Chapter Seven

  Marti was in complete agreement with him, so the sole item on his agenda for their talk after Emily went to bed was accomplished in record time. Then, Grif thought wryly, they got down to Marti’s business.

  “It’s been good for Ben and Meg to have you around,” she said. “They like Luke and Daniel fine, but they haven’t known those two all their lives like they’ve known you.”

  “Except for a year when I deserted them as far as they can tell.”

  “They’re already a long way to being over that. As long as you don’t intend to disappear again.”

  “I don’t.”

  Marti showed no sign of needing or wanting the reassurance, as she plowed right on. “It’s been especially good for Ellyn.”

  “I wondered when they first came out here how she’d do – but I knew she’d be under your wing, and Kendra’s, and you’d make sure she and the kids were okay.”

  “Of course. But that’s not the point with Ellyn.”

  “No, no it’s not. The point is she’s doing fine. She’s got a handle on things.”

  Marti propped her hands on her hips and stared at him. “If bulls had as little instinct about cows as men have about women, there’d never be another calf born in all of Wyoming!”

  “What does that mean?”

  “It means you are missing the point entirely.”

  “What point?”

  “See! You didn’t even know there was a point. The point about Ellyn.”

  “What about her? She’s doing great.”

  “She is not doing great. Not in the ways that a woman worries about deep inside herself.”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Marti.”

  “Of course you don’t – you’re a man. But I’m going to tell you straight out so you can’t miss it. Ellyn’s spent a lot of years thinking she’s less than a woman because of that fool mother of hers. On top of that, I knew Dale Sinclair all his life.”

  “What’s Dale got to do with it?”

  “A lot. Now hush up and listen. No matter how many birthdays Dale had, he never grew up. And having a wife like Ellyn, well...any time Ellyn felt she wasn’t being loved by him she thought she wasn’t being the right kind of woman. Thought it was her fault. So things kept gettin’ easier and easier on him, and harder and harder on her. Now he’s dead, and she’s wondering.”

  “She’s got to know that she – ”

  Marti jumped on that fragment of a sentence triumphantly. “That’s where you’re wrong, Grif. She doesn’t have to know. Not at all. That’s why it’s so good for her that you’re around. Although ...” She looked at him expectantly.

  He leaned back and gave her a level stare. “I’ve known you most of my life, and I know you’re going to tell me what you want to tell me no matter what I want, so get on with it.”

  Her expression shifted, taking on a trace of chagrin, but giving no quarter. “I’ve known you all your life. And you’ve always been stubborn.”

  “Persistent and tough-minded was on my most recent assessment.”

  “That’s the Army for you – pussy-footing around the facts. I was being polite using stubborn. Bull-headed’s the real truth.”

  She turned away, as if that would somehow make him miss the humor tugging at her mouth and creasing the corners of her eyes. But when she faced him again, her expression was serious. “But you’re not a fool, Grif, and you’re fair. So I’m going to say what I have to say, and then I’m going to ask you to think it over before you make up your mind.”

  The only way to get out of this was to walk out. He wouldn’t do that to Marti.

  “There’s a lot more Ellyn and the kids have lost than a regular income. You can see it with the kids, I don’t know why you can’t see it with Ellyn.”

  When she fell into a silence, he prompted, “See what?”

  “What they need. You seem to know the kids need a man around – a man they can count on, who’ll be there for them, make them feel good about themselves. Ellyn needs just the same. No –no, don’t go telling me again how she seems to have things taken care of in the house, knows how to do her own taxes and can deal with an old curmudgeon like Ed Bressler. I’m telling you now. And what I’m tellin’ you is she needs a man.”

  “Marti – ”

  “Oh, quit squirming around in your chair like a ten-year-old.”

  “I’m not squirmi – ”

  “No, you’re not,” she said triumphantly. “You’re sitting there like a stuffed bear. You’re a man, Grif, no matter how much you’d like to pretend you’re more soldier than man. And you’re just the sort of man Ellyn needs. Being reliable’s part of it, but if she just needed reliable, I’d get her a dog. She needs someone to look at her the way a man looks at a woman when he thinks she’s hot. And don’t bother being appalled I’d talk about such things. I’m your aunt, but I’m a woman, too, you know.” She flipped her hand, as if dismissing that topic, but she was far from through. “I’m not talking about you needing to marry Ellyn. I’m not even talking about sex. Although ...”

  “Marti.”

  “Well, you and Ellyn are two consenting adults and I don’t see why you couldn’t ... But that’s neither here nor there.”

  The hell it was. It was very much here on his mind when he let his vigilance drop, and sometimes he thought it was very much there between him and Ellyn, an underlying hum to everything they said or did. Unless that was his mind playing tricks on him.

  But he was not going to talk about this with his aunt. He stood. “Marti, I’ve got to go.”

  She didn’t budge. “Go ahead. But remember, Colonel, the planet’s round. So you can only retreat so long before you come back to where you started.”

  * * *

  The day was mild enough and the noontime sun was strong enough that Ellyn and Kendra decided to eat their sandwiches at a picnic table in the small park across from Far Hills Market and a short walk from the Banner office.

  “I hear Grif dug in manure in your garden for you – now that’s a friend!”

  Ellyn sighed. “He’s driving me nuts with this helping. He wants to take us out to dinner all the time. He’s volunteering to pick up the kids at school. And he wants to buy me a dryer for heaven’s sake.”

  “That’s great! You sure could use one. What?” Kendra studied her. “Not great?”

  “Definitely not great.”

  “What’s the big
deal? It’s not like accepting a dryer from an old friend makes you a kept woman or something.”

  There was no logical reason for heat – surely accompanied by color – to rise up her throat and into her cheeks. But logic never defeated a blush.

  “Of course,” Kendra added with an assumption of airiness that Ellyn didn’t buy, “accepting help can take a lot of courage.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “Are you sure you want to know?”

  Ellyn hesitated, then sighed. “No, I’m not sure. But I know I’ve hit you with some observations that you probably didn’t want to hear, so it’s only fair.”

  Kendra nodded, acknowledging the justness of her words. “Using myself as a prime example, I think it’s safe to say that the people who are the most touchy about getting help are that way because they know they need it. That makes them feel like they’re failing.”

  Ellyn winced.

  “Sorry, Ellyn. I don’t think you are failing, but I wonder how you’re feeling – ”

  “Like I’m struggling. Maybe not failing, but certainly not succeeding.”

  “And I don’t know why. You’re holding down a job, running a house, keeping up with your finances, being a terrific friend whenever I’ve asked to lean on you, fulfilling all your duties for the babysitting co-op and school, not to mention raising a couple amazing kids.”

  “I just want to make sure Meg and Ben don’t feel an unbridgeable gap in their lives because of Dale’s death. I want ...” Her throat clogged with tears and the words stop coming.

  “There’s no way they can not feel a hole in their lives with their father dead. But we’ve talked about this. And about how well they’re doing – and they are! So... Are you sure this is all about the kids, this feeling that you’re not succeeding? What about you, Ellyn?”

  Hesitating usually persuaded her to tell less rather than more, but this time even after hesitating, she opted for opening a new level to her friend.

  “Things ... things weren’t very good between me and Dale during those last few months.” She made a sound that didn’t come near qualifying as a chuckle, although that’s what she’d intended. “Even before the last few months, only I didn’t know it then.”

  “Was that why you moved back? Trying to make things better?”

  Ellyn looked up, surprised. “Yes. How did you – ?”

  “Wasn’t hard to figure out.” Kendra gave a wry smile. “And you’ve got to know if I figured it out – the Queen of Not a Clue when it came to romance – that most folks around saw it, too.”

  “But no one’s said anything.”

  “It’s not the sort of thing you bring up over casual hellos at the Market.”

  “No, but ...”

  “But you’re wondering about those of us who know you a lot better than casual hellos? Like Marti and Fran and me?”

  Ellyn nodded.

  “I suppose I didn’t pry because I had my own secrets I wasn’t telling. As for Marti and Fran, I have no idea. Surprised the heck out of me that they kept quiet.”

  Ellyn gave a real chuckle this time, and Kendra joined in. Then Kendra’s expression shifted. “Unless ...”

  “Unless, what?”

  “Well, I think we all were surprised when you ended up with Dale. Everybody thought you and Grif would make a match of it. So maybe that had something to do with it.”

  “I don’t see how. We were buddies as kids. No one can be basing some expectation on when we were barely even teenagers.”

  “How about basing it on after Grif graduated?”

  Ellyn hadn’t known Kendra had been aware of her feelings that summer. But it was silly to feel awkward now about Kendra knowing about the failure of her romantic overture.

  “That was foolishness on my part. But what do you expect at eighteen?”

  Kendra was shaking her head. “Not you. Grif.”

  “Grif what?”

  “Grif was the one everybody said was head-over-heels.”

  “Head-over-heels? With who?”

  Kendra laughed, then took another look at her face, and said firmly, “Grif showed every sign of being crazy about you.”

  Now Ellyn shook her head. “Every sign except that when I threw myself at him he politely but oh-so-clearly said thanks but no thanks.”

  “He what? You’re kidding? No, I can see you’re not. And it’s even consistent, given the Susland family knack for romance. But let me get this clear, you’re saying you made a pass at him, and he didn’t respond?”

  Something in Kendra’s words snagged at the fabric of Ellyn’s subconscious, but she left it there for now.

  “Oh, he responded. He made it absolutely clear that there wasn’t anything like that in his feelings for me.”

  Kendra whistled. “Boy, my cousin Grif is more mixed up than I’d ever thought. Even for a Susland. Grif looked at you during that visit in a way that not even I could mistake. What in the world was his problem?”

  * * *

  Kendra’s words echoed in Ellyn’s head long into the night.

  The obvious answer was that Kendra had gotten it wrong all those years ago. As she readily admitted, Kendra had not been the least interested in or attuned to matters of the heart at that point in her life.

  Grif had looked at her like a man who was interested romantically in a woman?

  No, Kendra must have had gotten it wrong.

  But what if she hadn’t?

  That answer had to do with timing.

  With pillows stack behind her back and her knees drawn up tight to her chest, Ellyn faced that answer.

  Maybe Grif had looked at her that way ... until her overture. Maybe in those moments when she’d kissed him, and pressed her body against his, the feelings he’d had for her evaporated.

  He might have thought he wanted her until faced with the reality. The reality of Ellyn Neal, the least sexy girl in four counties.

  She had been sobbing out her pain when her mother returned home unexpectedly early from her date with Paul Brindford.

  Rose had been subtly pressuring Paul to marry her for weeks. Now, from the few, vehement words Ellyn had heard them exchange at the doorway, Rose’s tactics had shifted to withholding sex.

  Rose had sounded tearful in her farewell, but when she pushed open Ellyn’s door moments later to demand, What’s this all about? I can hear you all the way down the hall? she was dry- and clear-eyed.

  Nothing, Mom.

  Rose had heaved an exasperated sigh. Must be about a boy. Ellyn, I despair of you, I truly do. When will you learn?

  That had started a new spurt of tears, because she was painfully aware she’d been inexperienced to the point of clumsiness.

  A woman has to learn how to please a man. She has to show him she can please him. And a woman doesn’t learn how to do all that without making sure she has some discreet experience. If you’d been paying half as much attention to boys as you have to horses, and learning what you need to know, this wouldn’t have happened.

  Vindication of her mother’s creed had come two weeks later when Paul Brindford proposed.

  Ellyn had married Dale as a virgin. The wedding night hadn’t reached her dreams nor her fears. But the next several months had made her feel slightly more secure and certainly bolder, as they explored each other and their new lives.

  Then she’d gotten pregnant. They’d had a vague plan to have children several years down the road. The reality came much sooner and harder than either had anticipated. But for Ellyn, the reality also blossomed into a full-blown love affair with her baby-to-be.

  Halfway through the pregnancy, all sexual contact ended. Dale had claimed he didn’t want to hurt the baby. She had been convinced he found her repugnant. She worked hard at regaining her slenderness after the baby, and they seemed to have regained their zest in bed, when she became pregnant with Ben.

  After that, they never regained that zest.

  For a long time she blamed it on the physical changes. Then on the dr
ains on her energy of caring for two small children. Eventually, the busyness of their lives seemed the logical explanation.

  Only after Dale came to her that night in Washington and said he’d decided to give her a second chance before he asked for a divorce did she recognize that it was something else – her inability to please and hold onto her man.

  Just like her mother had warned.

  * * *

  When Ellyn awoke, a different phrase of Kendra’s circled through her mind. One spoken with wry irony.

  The Susland family knack for romance.

  That sort of oblique reference was about as close to acknowledging the Susland curse as skeptic Kendra ever got. Marti, on the other hand, was convinced Daniel’s actions in finding and winning Kendra had set to rest the first element of the curse. Ellyn supposed she fell somewhere in between.

  But what had floated to her consciousness during the night was the suspicion that it wasn’t the Susland side of his family that Grif blamed for any inherited flaws. He’d made that clear in his truncated comments about his father.

  That rattled around her head during the rush to get the kids off to school, then herself to work,a routine morning of work, a quick brown bag lunch with Kendra at the Banner, then a review of the week’s ad layouts before heading home.

  She spotted Grif’s rental car before she pulled the Suburban into the drive to Ridge House. But she didn’t see him until she was out of her vehicle.

  He was on the crest of the ridge, not far from the empty clothesline. He was outlined against the dramatic gray, black and white clouds of a fast-moving system. A stark, solitary figure.

  Lonely.

  I know one thing, Fran had said of Nancy Griffin, she loved her son more than anything else in the world. She’d hate to see him lonely.

  Ellyn was climbing the hill before she even knew she’d made a decision.

  “Grif!”

  He turned toward her, wariness showing in the set of his shoulders. “It’s ranch property, and I’m going to fix it so don’t give me any grief. Talk to Marti if you don’t like it.”