Braless in Wonderland

by Debbie Reed Fischer

  “Are you nobody? Hmmph. My mistake. I always thought you were somebody.” He tapped my head with my book. “Somebody who needs to learn that there’s a lot of freedom in not caring what other people think.”

  “It’s not that simple, Miguel. I wish it was, but it’s not.”

  “It is simple. It sounds like you’re just going to Yale to please your parents. Where’s that mind of your own you’re so proud of?”

  “Please my parents? Believe me, they would rather I take a full scholarship to a school right here in Florida and stay close to home. They’d deny it, but I know it’s true. Yale was always my idea.”

  “Oh, yeah? Then why haven’t you sent Yale your letter saying you’re going?”

  Damn. I forgot he knew about that. I sipped my coffee and pretended to be watching the palm trees out the window. I didn’t know why I still hadn’t sent in my acceptance. I didn’t have a good answer for Miguel, so I just shrugged and said, “Haven’t gotten around to it, that’s all.”

  “Mentirosa! Liar. Deep deep down, you don’t want to go anymore. Japan is calling your name. Come on, you know you’re thinking about it.”

  “I haven’t seriously been thinking about it.” Did fantasizing count as thinking about it?

  He smoothed out my comforter. “You know, when I left home, I said good riddance, no joda, never looked back. It’s time to show your new self to the world, try new experiences.”

  “I showed myself to the world. Didn’t you see my lingerie editorial?” I said with a mouth full of pastelito.

  “I’m serious,” Miguel said. “College isn’t going anywhere, niña. You can always get your degree. But in a couple of years, you’ll be too old to go to Japan and make a ton, and I do mean a ton. You’ll regret it if you don’t go. Truth. Tokyo is a golden opportunity.”

  “For other models.”

  “For anybody. And you’ll look fantabulous in a kimono. Except why do geishas wear socks with those wooden sandals? I don’t get it.”

  He had me smiling.

  And wondering. Could I really just give up my Yale plan and go to Japan?

  What if I did?

  What if I were to, maybe not give up Yale, but postpone it. I could still go to Yale someday. Just not now. I could always reapply or get a deferral or something.

  Couldn’t I?

  It just seemed like such a crazy thing to do.

  But coming here seemed crazy at first too, didn’t it?

  “This is Yale you’re talking about, Allee. Yale. You crazy, talking about running off to Japan?”

  I totally didn’t expect this reaction from Claudette, Miss Live Life and Be Free. We were sitting in the sand, watching the sun go down on the beach.

  “I’m not saying I won’t go,” I told her. “I’m just saying I might not go now. I could put Yale on hold for a year.”

  “On hold. I was gonna put college on hold, model for a while, travel some, and then go back to school. But it didn’t work out that way, now, did it?”

  “So why don’t you go back now?”

  She smiled at me the way I smiled at Robby when he asked me something that was hard to explain. “What, and join a sorority? Live in a dorm, write papers? Not for me. I’m a gypsy. But you, you’re different. You should go to college. Take it from me, Allee, one year turns into two years and then three and then you never go back.” She put her hand on my shoulder and looked at me eye to eye. “Don’t make the biggest mistake of your life. Go to Yale.”

  Go to Yale. Don’t pass go, don’t stop to collect two hundred dollars, just go straight to Yale. Play it safe.

  But what if I didn’t play it so safe? Would I end up like Claudette in a few years, living in a model apartment and still making the casting rounds? I mean, I could say that that wouldn’t happen to me, that I’d only take a year off and I’d force myself to go back to school.

  But what if that didn’t happen?

  What if I reached a point where I was beyond living in a dorm and going to class? Maybe you just can’t get off the modeling road once you’re on it for a while. Maybe if I went on traveling and modeling more and more, it would be too hard to walk away from the glamour, the good money, the excitement, the travel, the freedom.

  It was hard to walk away from all that now.

  Sabrina was on the phone. “Mom and Dad found the Dietra magazine.”

  “Sabrina! I told you to hide it.”

  “I did, but then I forgot where I hid it. Mom found it.”

  “Great, thanks a lot. What did she say?”

  “Um, she’s right here, bye.”

  “No, wait, I don’t want to talk to—”

  “That’s some outfit you have on, Allee.” Mom sounded mad, like the way she used to get on me if I was reading at the dinner table. “What will people think when they see this? Aren’t you embarrassed?”

  “No.”

  “Well, you should be. I’m embarrassed.”

  “Who’s gonna see it? Does the PTA read German magazines?”

  “They might. You know, if you look up close, you can see through—”

  “I know, I know.”

  Somebody picked up another phone in the house. “I made a naked picture once.”

  “Abuela, you did not.”

  “But that was before the aquanet. Now you will be in the computer with your tetas showing. I told you. Nobody listens to me.”

  “Mamá, por favor!” Mom shouted. I could hear Sabrina laughing.

  “They’re not showing,” I said. “I’m wearing a bra.”

  Robby shouted, “What are tetas?”

  “Here’s your father,” said Mom. “He’s very upset.”

  “I’m very upset, Allee,” said Dad. “What are those goddamn people in Miami thinking? You’re seventeen years old, for the love of God. It’s completely inappropriate!” he yelled.

  “It’s high fashion!” I screamed back, really pissed now. They just didn’t get it. “I was lucky to get that job. Lucky!” And then I repeated something I heard Claudette say once. “Appropriateness is highly overrated.”

  “What the hell are you talking about? Have you looked at this picture up close? You can see—”

  “Then don’t look!” I shrieked. “And tell Mom she won’t have to worry about me embarrassing her again. I’m going to Japan!” I slammed down the phone.

  I really wasn’t going to Japan. I mean, I’d just said that to freak him out because I was so mad. I hadn’t decided what I was doing.

  Dad called back an hour later. I was on the futon eating Oreos and milk, a treat I hadn’t had in months, and looking through my portfolio when the phone rang. “Hello.”

  “Hi, Allee.”

  “Hi, Dad.”

  “Are you really going to Japan?” I guess he was done ranting about the lingerie picture. “I called Monique. She told me about it.”

  “I don’t know.”

  He sighed. “It’s just not practical, Allee. You’re not going to model for the rest of your life, are you? Modeling was just a way to get that extra lump sum in the bank to finance your education. You’re forgetting that.”

  “So you think I should just go to college. Not even consider it.”

  “What will come of it, Allee? You can always go to Japan on a vacation. Come home, finish high school, and go to college. You have a brilliant mind. Don’t waste it.”

  “You just want me to stop modeling because of the whole lingerie editorial.”

  “That’s true, yes. I think you’ve forgotten who you are. It will be easier for your mother and me if we know you’re not modeling anymore. We’d like you to come home for summer school and then go to college.”

  So that was it. He was making the decision for me. I was about to hang up when suddenly, I remembered what the March Hare told Alice: Say what you mean and mean what you say.

  “Look, Dad, this isn’t about you and Mom. I have a big decision to make, and it shouldn’t be about how you and Mom feel.”

  Seconds ti
cked by. I was trembling a little. It wasn’t easy being assertive with the people you’re closest to.

  He sighed again. “I know that, I know. But why did you do that lingerie picture? I thought you were against women being portrayed that way. You look…you look…”

  “Like a model, Dad. Because that’s what I am. You were all supportive of me being a model back in January.”

  “I never thought you’d do a picture like that. You can’t tell me you were comfortable being photographed like that.”

  “No, I wasn’t. I should have asked more questions about the booking, taken more control of what I was getting myself into. I know that now. But I didn’t know it then.” I paused to see if he said anything. He didn’t. I looked down at my portfolio, at all the interesting and beautiful photos. “The thing is, Dad, I kinda like modeling. A lot more than I thought I would, you know? And maybe in the future, when I’m older, I might even feel comfortable doing a lingerie shoot, who knows?” I checked to see if he was still there. He cleared his throat, so I added, “It’s something I have to figure out for myself.”

  “So what are you saying? You’re saying you’re going to Japan instead of Yale? Is that what you’re saying?”

  “I don’t know where I’m going right now.”

  “Oh. Great.”

  “Does Mom want to talk to me?”

  “She’s taking a nap.”

  “Oh. Okay, well, I guess I’ll say good-bye then.”

  “Okay, bye. No, wait. Don’t hang up.”

  “Why?”

  “I just wanted to say that, uh, I love you. No matter what you decide to do, your mother and I will always love you.”

  “I love you too, Dad.”

  Running always helped me figure things out. I didn’t know if it was the breathing getting more oxygen to my brain or what. It could have been what I was listening to that got my synapses connecting (Green Day, Linkin Park, Brainless Wankers) but after about forty minutes of beach jogging, everything was clearer.

  I was still reeling from the phone calls. I couldn’t believe what Dad had said. I hadn’t forgotten who I was. Modeling may have opened my eyes, but it didn’t change the real me. I mean, I still loved to read and run and tease my sister. I still wanted to get a Ph.D. someday. He thought I’d turned into some crazy lingerie-posing party animal or something.

  The partying in the model world was one of the “cons” I’d been thinking about, trying to decide what to do. I didn’t love being surrounded by drinking and smoking every night. And as for the drugs, forget it. They weren’t for me. But then again, there would be all of that in college too, even at Yale.

  And a part of me wondered if I was really ready for the routine life of school. Modeling had kinda set me free from routines, made me relax more. And modeling had taught me a lot about myself. I didn’t feel so closed off from people anymore. That fly-on-the-wall feeling was gone. Modeling tapped into a side of me I hadn’t known was there.

  It brought out the Alice side of me, the adventurous, playful side. And I wanted to know that part of me better. Maybe the best way to do that was to keep exploring new things. Starting with Japan.

  But I wanted the college life, the discussions about great books, the great professors. I wanted to be around people who got what I was talking about, who loved working out their brain, not just their body.

  Although I could get an education in Japan too, one I’d never get at any university. There were tons of cultural sights in Japan. I could travel, take Japanese, maybe.

  I’d always done what my parents wanted, what was expected of me, followed the rules. I was nothing like the strong young women in all those books I read. I’d never stood up for myself. Not really.

  But then again, maybe there was no reason to fight them this time. Maybe they were right about going straight to college.

  I’d always thought I was this big thinker, but this was the first time I’d ever really had to think for myself about my own life and what I should do with it.

  And so I made my decision.

  The post office at Thirteenth and Washington was an architectural landmark. It was built in the thirties and had a really dramatic entrance, a huge domed rotunda.

  It was as huge as the decision I’d just made.

  I took a last look at the envelope addressed to Yale. Last night, I’d stared at those two boxes for an hour, one labeled WILL ATTEND and one labeled WILL NOT ATTEND.

  And then I’d checked the box that was best for me.

  What will become of me?

  chapter 23

  I hadn’t told anyone where I was going yet. I didn’t want to hear any more opinions about what I should do, so I’d only told my family. Now I wanted to take one last drive around South Beach before I had to hit the highway. Brynn and Claudette helped me pack, but I had a lot more clothing now, so I had to go out and buy another suitcase. Claudette kept playing with my hair, squeezing my shoulders. Brynn didn’t say much, just wisecracks, as usual. Her eyes were red and not because we were out all night. She was soft under that hard shell. I knew she would rather be wasted or high than feel deep emotions. She was high now. I could tell by the way she was sniffing and twitching. What would happen to her?

  We started the big huggy-kissy good-bye at the car. Claudette said, “Be brave, babygirl, like me. I’ll e-mail you from Milan.”

  “You better. Where are you going, Brynn?”

  “Not sure yet.”

  “Call me. Or e-mail.”

  “I will.” She wouldn’t. I hugged her tight. And it wasn’t awkward this time. “Luca’s coming soon. I better get ready. You take care, Allee.”

  “I will.”

  After she went inside, Claudette said, “The agency dropped her yesterday. She didn’t want you to know.”

  I shouldn’t have been surprised, but I was. I let out a big whoosh of air. “Maybe it’s for the best. She needs some time to clean herself up.”

  “Yeah.”

  “You did call her mom, right? Because that’s the only person she’ll listen to.”

  “Yeah, she’ll be here by tonight. She’s gonna take Brynn home, get her in a program. Did you know Brynn’s real name is Brenda?”

  I shook my head no. “Luca will be devastated.”

  “He supplies the drugs. She needs to get away from him.”

  “He may love her, but he’s not good for her,” I agreed.

  “Sure you can’t stay a few more hours? The World Erotic Art Museum on Twelfth and Washington is having a naughty pastry exhibit and tasting.”

  “I wouldn’t eat anything there if I were you.”

  Claudette threw her head back and belly-laughed. She grabbed my hands, squeezed them. Then her face got serious. “Don’t do it, Allee. Don’t go to Japan. I’ve always wanted to go back to college, but I’m caught up in the business now. If you don’t go to school in the fall, you never will.”

  “I don’t know if that’s—”

  “You never will. You’ll get sucked into the business and you’ll never go back. Trust me.” It seemed so defeatist. I thought Claudette was all for living on the edge and everything. I guess not going back to college was her greatest regret in life. She gave my hands one last squeeze, then hugged me for a long time. Finally, she blew me a kiss and went back inside to pack for her flight tonight.

  I waited for Miguel, who arrived at the center of a Rollerblading cyclone. Trying to pass other bladers on a narrow sidewalk never ended well. He wiped out and landed on the grass. I reached out and helped him up in his little red shorts and knee pads. What a cutie.

  Miguel took in my backseat full of luggage, the plastic bags of clothing. “You’re making a mistake, Allee Cat. Why even bother going back to Cape Caca? Tell your parents to mail your stuff to Agence and don’t look back.”

  “Miguel, I never said I was going home.”

  “So you’re going to Japan?” He was ready to turn a cartwheel.

  “I never said that either.”

&nbs
p; “I just don’t understand. Why go back to who you were when you could be so much more?” Miguel thought the modeling world was the epicenter of the universe. It was completely beyond him that someone would choose to leave it.

  I had prepared a speech for him. “I’ll miss you a lot. You were always there for me, and you got me to laugh when I was more depressed than I’ve ever been. You brought out all the good things that were bottled up inside me, opened up a whole new world to me, taught me so much. I can’t thank you enough for everything.”

  It choked him up. He made a fist and tapped his chest. “What are you going to do without me?”

  chapter 24

  My Beetle picks up speed as I switch to the center lane. I have to make sure I don’t miss my exit, 836 WEST, to the airport. I’ve got a plane to catch.

  To Tokyo.

  It was easy to make my decision once I remembered what the Cheshire cat told Alice. She asked him, “Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?” And the cat answered, “That depends a good deal on where you want to get to.”

  Easy answer.

  Wonderland.

  There’s more than one, you know.