“How do I know?”
“Exactly,” he said. “How do I know what to believe, either?”
“I guess you have to trust me,” she said, knowing he didn’t. Knowing he wouldn’t.
“Yeah.” His eyes were as cold as the moon. Suddenly he looked like a stranger to her and Amanda knew she wouldn’t be able to reach him because he didn’t want to be reached.
So much lost, all in a blink of time. She swayed with the impact of what was happening.
He turned and walked to the door. There, he stopped and looked back at her. “You’re right about one thing, though. The wedding’s off. I was only marrying you because of the baby. With the reason gone, there’s no point, is there?”
The fact that his words echoed what she had thought herself only moments before just made the pain that much deeper. Sharper. When Nathan left, the quiet click of the door shutting behind him sounded like a gunshot. It seemed to echo in the empty room long after he’d left her. Long after Amanda had curled up on the couch to cry herself to sleep.
Shaking her head as if she could somehow dislodge the painful memories, Amanda looked up at him through eyes that were no longer starry with love for a man who refused to love her back. She wasn’t young and foolish anymore. If she still loved Nathan, that was her problem and she’d find a way to get over it. But he would never know that he still had so much power over her heart.
“You walked out, Nathan,” she reminded him in a voice that was low and throbbing with remembered hurt.
“Yeah,” he admitted, “I did. But you were the one to end things between us. Hell, I walked in the door and you handed me the ring.”
“You agreed with me about calling off the wedding,” she reminded him.
“Damn straight, I did. You weren’t pregnant. You’d already handed me the ring—”
“You wouldn’t talk to me,” she said.
“You didn’t give me a chance to say anything and even if you had, what the hell could I say?” he countered. “It was done. The baby was gone and your ring was in my fist. What do you think I should have said, for God’s sake?”
“That you believed me.” That was the one thing that had always stung. He had known her better than anyone else—or so she had thought. And he’d taken the word of malicious gossips over her.
How was she supposed to forget that?
* * *
He scrubbed both hands across his face as memories crowded so close he could hardly draw a breath. The rumors had driven him crazy when he couldn’t get to her. At first, she was in the hospital and then when she was out, he was confined to the academy. Couldn’t even talk to her. Couldn’t look into her eyes and see for himself truth from lies. But by the time he finally reached her side, the crazy had taken over. The doubts. The disappointment and fury had him so tangled into knots it was all he could do to hold it together.
Hell, he prided himself on control. On being in charge of every damn thing around him. He had his own personal rules of conduct. And he’d blown them all on that long-ago night. Duty. Honor. They’d both gone out the window when anger made him blind to common sense.
Blowing out a breath, he stared up at the sky for a long minute, then lowered his gaze to hers. Doubts still gnawed at the edges of his heart, but being with her, looking into her eyes, clouded with hurt, he could see the truth that had eluded him for so long. “I do believe you.”
The moment he said it, he knew it was right. Back then, he’d been young and stupid. He’d wanted her to rush into his arms looking for comfort. He’d wanted her to cry and mourn their lost child so he would know that she hadn’t ended her pregnancy. Instead, she’d handed him the ring he’d given her and told him, more or less, to move on.
So his own self-assurance took a hit and then delivered one right back. Hurt, he’d made sure that she hurt, too. He wasn’t saying he was right. He was only saying—screw it.
A sheen of tears filmed the brilliant green of her eyes, but before he could panic or kick his own ass for making her cry, she blinked them back. She took a breath, steadied herself and said, “Thanks for that, anyway. Better late than never, huh?”
“I guess,” he said, but this conversation still felt unfinished.
She hitched her bag higher on her shoulder. “Now, I’ve got to go.”
“Damn it, Amanda—don’t walk away.”
“What else is there to talk about, Nathan? We’re over and done, and standing here in the park together is only going to fire up the gossip train you hate.”
True.
He did hate knowing that, but there didn’t seem to be much he could do about it. For days now, he’d lived with everyone in town watching his every move. With having people drop by the jailhouse for a “friendly chat” when what they were really looking for was more grist for the rumor mill. They wanted exclusive news about Nathan and Amanda so they could be the ones to spill the next part of the story.
Hell, he was actually getting used to it.
He’d come here today, knowing the gossips were chewing on them, knowing that meeting her like this would only make things worse. But this was his plan. Talk with her, bed her, then move on and—damn it—he was going to stick to it. It was a good plan, even if it had gotten more involved than he’d originally thought it would.
Nathan hadn’t meant to dig into the past. Hadn’t intended to throw up that night between them like a damn battle flag. He didn’t want her pissed—despite how good she looked when fire was in her eyes. He didn’t want her sad. Or resigned.
He wanted her hot and ready and as eager to be with him as he was to get his hands on her. But he couldn’t do that until he ended the war.
“You’re off tonight, right?”
“What?” She looked as surprised as he was over his blurted question.
Taking hold of her arm again, he drew her around to the far side of the old oak, using the tree to block most people’s views of them.
“Let go, Nathan.”
He did, though his fingers still felt the warmth of her skin long after he drew his hand back. Through the years, through the old pain and shared memories, the heat between them lingered. He was more convinced than ever that he was doing the right thing. Get her back into bed, feel the burn again so that he could finally let it—and her—go.
“We need some time, Amanda,” he said, keeping his gaze locked with hers. “Time to talk. To find a way to be in this town together.”
She was shaking her head so he talked faster, refusing to give her enough room to back away. “Come out with me tonight. We’ll have dinner—and time.”
“I don’t know….”
Confusion etched itself onto her features. He could see her weighing her decision, so he gave her a little push. “Not afraid to be alone with me, are you?”
It worked.
Her head snapped up and she snorted. “Afraid? Please.”
He grinned. “Then it’s settled.”
“Fine.” She nodded at him. “Where do you want to meet?”
“I’ll pick you up at your place about seven.”
She laughed a little uneasily. “This is Saturday. Everyone for miles around will be in town. You’re not worried about how many people will see us together?”
He glanced up at the crowd milling around the park before looking back to her. What was the point of hiding now? They were already the center of every conversation in town. No sense trying to fight it. “They’re already talking, remember? Besides, damned if I’m going to sneak around.”
She nodded. “Good point.”
“All right, then. See you at seven.”
* * *
Over at the diner, Pam leaned on the counter and tapped her fingernails against it in a sharp staccato. “People have been talking about them all day.”
“You shouldn’t be listening.”
“How can I not?” She shook her head and gave a quick look around at the people sitting at the booths and counters. Peggy, the other waitress on duty, was laughing with her customers and in the kitchen behind her, Pam could hear the cooks talking while they worked. The diner was busy and that was a good thing. The fact that it was all because of Amanda made it harder to appreciate.
“She’s been back home for a couple of weeks and she’s taking over again.”
She looked at the man sitting in front of her. JT McKenna had been her friend since school. He ran his own ranch just outside of town where he raised a small herd of cattle and his pride and joy, quarter horses.
His dark brown hair curled over the collar of his shirt and his tanned face showed a line of white across the top of his forehead where his hat normally rested. He was tall and lean and according to Pam’s friends, gorgeous. She’d never really noticed because JT had always been just her friend.
Now, he cupped his hands around a cup of coffee and shook his head. “Pam, you’re the one who asked her to come home.”
She sighed. Hard to admit, but he was right. Pam had tried to run the diner on her own, but it just hadn’t worked. She’d been overwhelmed with trying to handle the whole place on her own. But she still hated to acknowledge that Amanda had made a difference. Her younger sister had always been the golden one. Her parents’ favorite. Taller, smarter, prettier… Pam’s fingernails sounded out like a jackhammer.
It wasn’t that she didn’t like her sister. But did Amanda have to be so perfect?
“You’re getting wound up over nothing, Pam,” JT said.
His brown eyes were on her and she had to sigh. “You’re probably right, but—”
“No buts,” he teased and gave her a grin that lit up his eyes. “You’re so focused on Amanda and Nathan you can’t see anything else around you.”
“Like what?”
JT blew out a breath and said, “Like I could use some more coffee.”
“Oh, sure.” She turned to reach for the pot and told herself she needed to calm down. But the last few days had made that nearly impossible. Everyone was talking about Nathan and Amanda again. Just as they had all those years ago.
Nathan.
Her heart ached at the thought of him. Without even trying, her little sister had even gotten the man Pam had always wanted. All those years when Amanda was living away from Royal, Pam had done everything she could to capture Nathan’s attention. But it was as if he was completely oblivious to her. Even the couple of times she’d managed to get him out to dinner and to a movie, nothing had come of it.
“Still,” she said thoughtfully, “according to Dora Plant, Nathan and Amanda were arguing at the park today.”
“You’re doing it again,” JT told her flatly. “I can see it in your eyes. You’re thinking on how you can get around your sister to Nathan and it’s not going to get you anywhere. You best watch your step, and move careful, Pam.”
“What?”
“You and Amanda,” he said gently, “you’re family. Always will be.”
“I know that—” she argued.
He cut her off. “Maybe you do, but I’m thinking you tend to forget what you don’t want to think about. My point is, you should open your eyes, Pam. Nathan’s not interested in you that way and probably never will be.”
She flushed, but couldn’t seem to stop it. Pam had hungered after Nathan for so long, it had become a way of life for her. All the time he was with her sister, that knowledge had eaten away at her like acid. But then the two of them broke up and Pam began to hope again. All right, nothing had come of their few dates, but that didn’t mean she should give up.
“You don’t know what it’s like, JT.”
He laughed shortly, shook his head and dug money out of his wallet. Laying the bills on the counter, he said, “You’d be surprised by what I know, Pam.”
She watched him go, then turned back to her customers, still wondering what JT had meant.
* * *
A few hours later, Amanda was standing in front of her mirror, trying to figure out how Nathan had maneuvered her into this. She wasn’t even sure why she was going along with…what was it? A date? Her stomach swirled at the thought.
“It’s not a date,” she said, just to hear it said out loud. She dragged a brush through her hair. “It feels like a date. It shouldn’t, but it does. God, I haven’t been on a date in—” She stopped because even if there was no one else there to hear her, admitting out loud that it had been three years since she’d been on a real, live, guy-picks-you-up-and-pays date was too humiliating.
No wonder she was nervous.
Music pumped from the radio in the living room and Amanda smiled at herself in the mirror. Looked more like a grimace, but she’d take it. She had no idea where Nathan was taking her, so she’d changed her outfit three times, finally settling on a pale blue skirt that hit just above her knees, a white, short-sleeved blouse that buttoned up the front and a pair of sandals with a heel that would bring her almost to eye level with Nathan.
And there was the swirl of nerves in the pit of her stomach again.
Notadate…notadate…notadate…
The chant went through her mind but couldn’t seem to find anything to hold on to. Because she’d been off balance ever since she’d returned to Royal. Those first two weeks, waiting to see him again. Then that first meeting in the diner, when he’d been so cold, so remote. Only to have him show up later, right here and, after demanding she leave town, kiss her until her head was spinning.
No wonder she felt as if she were at the center of a madly spinning tornado. She had no sense of direction. Only the instinctive drive to keep her heart intact this time. To become so immune to Nathan and what he could do to her with a glance that she could finally move on. Find a nice man—one who didn’t drive her to impossible highs and heartbreaking lows—and build a life. A life with the children she longed for. A life filled with the love she’d lost so long ago.
So why then was she putting herself through this not-a-date? Because she wasn’t immune to Nathan yet and just maybe a night spent alone with him might start her on that path.
When a knock sounded at her door, she slapped one hand to her abdomen in a futile attempt to quell all the butterflies nestled in there, then told herself to get a grip. To get over Nathan, she was going to need to restrain her natural tendency to go up in flames around him. She walked across the room, deliberately casual, opened the door and nerves slid away to be replaced by something more elemental. More…hazardous, to her already iffy sense of control.
He wore black jeans, a red, button-down long-sleeve shirt open at the collar and the boots that seemed to be a part of him. He gave her a slow, thorough once-over, then an appreciative smile curved his mouth. “You look great.”
Fire licked at her insides, but she squashed the flames flat before they could take hold. This wasn’t a romantic thing, for heaven’s sake. This was just…who knew what it was?
“Thanks.” She grabbed her purse from the nearby table. God, he smelled good. “I’m ready to go.”
That smile of his deepened as he turned her toward the stairs. “Always liked that about you, Amanda. None of this make-him-wait stuff.” Taking her hand, he led her down the stairs and then to his car, a big, black SUV he’d left parked on the street.
Saturday night was date night in Royal for young and old alike. A lot of the local ranchers came in to treat the family to dinner out. There were shoppers hitting the stores on Main Street and pedestrians, just out watching other people. And she was sure that most of them were avidly watching her and Nathan.
Nothing could have proven to her more completely that he didn’t give a damn about the gossips any more than picking her up on a Saturday night for the whole town to s
ee.
To her left, the wide front windows of the diner shone with light and she knew that everyone in there, too, would have a perfect view of her leaving with Nathan.
As if he knew just what she was thinking, he squeezed her hand briefly and gave her a conspiratorial wink. Her heart clenched—it was almost as if the two of them were a team again. To underline that sensation, his hand around hers felt warm and strong and…right. She nearly stumbled when that thought zipped through her mind.
Thankfully, she recovered quickly, since an older woman with a crown of gray braids wrapped around her head stopped them on the sidewalk.
“Well, now, what might you two be up to on such a nice summer evening?” Hannah Poole was easily seventy-five. Her eyes—shining with glee—were razor-sharp and her nose was practically twitching with interest. If there was a gossip train in Royal, then Miss Hannah was the engineer. There wasn’t a thing that went on in town that she didn’t know about.
“Hello, Miss Hannah,” Amanda said, tugging at Nathan’s hand to stop him. “It’s nice to see you.”
“I’m sure it is, honey,” she said as her gaze locked briefly on their joined hands. “Going somewhere, are you?”
“Yes, ma’am, we sure are,” Nathan answered, then surprised Amanda by letting go of her hand only long enough to snake one arm around her waist, steering her toward the car. “And if we don’t hurry we’ll be late.”
“Well, I wouldn’t want to keep you,” the woman said thoughtfully, eyes gleaming. “I’ve got to get on home, myself. You two young people have fun, now. Good to see the two of you back together again.”
“Oh, we’re not—” Amanda began.
“Thank you, Miss Hannah,” Nathan said over her. “You have a good evening.”
He got Amanda settled, stalked around to the driver’s side and climbed in.
“Of course she had to get home,” Amanda said, watching as Hannah Poole scurried down the sidewalk. Her feet, clad in sensible brown shoes, moved faster than Amanda had ever known them to go.
Rumor Has It Page 7
