Ugly Duckling

by Malcolm Allen

  'I'll be laughing all the way to the bank' he called over to his ex outside the court rooms.

  'You’re a laughing pig' came the reply.

  Now though the “Laughing Pig” was looking pretty good, Ian and John pushed their way past a group of smokers gathered in the drizzle outside and went towards the entrance, the door flew open and someone crashed into Ian.

  'Sorry mate' was the only response from the man as he dashed away.

  'Twat' Ian said as he went through the door.

  As John approached the door it flew open again and a young woman crashed into him.

  'I'm so sorry' she said, and again dashed away calling 'Bill please stop, let me explain!'

  This is going to be a fun night thought John as he too eventually passed through the door.

  Inside, the pub was light, bright and modern; there was a circular bar in the middle with tall round tables and high stools dotted around the ample floor space. Around the outside walls were cosy little nooks where people could sit and chat with friends or lovers, the smell of fresh paint and new upholstery still filled the air.

  'John, Ian so glad you could make it' said Phil 'What can I get you?'

  'I'll have a half and I'll get J.D. a pint and a double scotch.'

  'Steady on' John semi protested 'I've not had a drink in months you'll get me pissed. And why only a half for you?'

  'I'm driving, I'm only having this one then got to get home to Jane, I did tell you.'

  'Well then' Phil said 'these ones are on me. What do you think to the place?'

  'Very nice, you wouldn't recognise it. Where’s the telly?'

  'No telly in here,' Phil looked indignant 'you can watch telly at home, you come here to meet friends and have a chat, a drink and listen to some music.'

  'And do your homework' John added looking around at some of the customers tucked away in the corners.

  'Oi! no under age in here' Phil said defensively 'I'm very strict on that. Back in a minute, enjoy your drinks.'

  'That was a bit uncalled for J.D.'

  'Just keeping him on his toes. Anyway what about you? Where's the telly?'

  'I like sport on telly in a pub.'

  'Well I like music and chat, I like this song actually, Brittany or somebody wasn’t it?’

  'Christina Aguilera' Ian corrected.

  Phil returned with a copy of the Bournemouth Mail 'Here, you boys seen this?'

  He showed Ian and John the front page.

  “Cannibal Butcher Kills at Bournemouth Pier” was the headline and further down it read “A source confirmed that the police are baffled by the cause of death, despite the horrendous injuries inflicted on the victim.” and then “it has been reported that the kidneys were found half eaten and the liver is still missing.”

  'What the fuck!' John called out at the top of his voice, the pub went silent.

  'Eh, no sorry carry on.'

  'What the fuck!' he started again in his normal speaking voice, 'where do they get this crap from, as if it isn’t bad enough they have to make stuff up. Who wrote this fucking shit?'

  Ian took the paper from John 'we'll find out tomorrow J.D. tonight lets keep calm and enjoy our drink, Elizabeth should be here soon.'

  John took a sip of his whisky 'she won’t come, you just don’t get it do you? Liz and I, we just have a laugh, that’s all, there’s nothing in it, just a bit of flirting' then he downed half of the pint of beer.

  'I'll bet you a tenner she'll come.'

  'You’re on, in fact, I'll make it twenty' John said putting a twenty pound note onto the bar.

  'Hello John' it was Liz standing behind him.

  'Thank you' Ian said picking up the twenty 'I'll get some flowers for Jane on the way home, got to go though, nice to see you Liz, see you tomorrow J.D.'

  John turned for the first time to see Liz 'WOW!' he heard himself say out loud.

  Liz smiled 'what’s up?'

  'You! you just look...so different' John stumbled over his words, partly because the whisky was already going to his head but also because he had never seen Liz dressed for a night out, make up fully done, killer heals, showing off her very shapely legs, definitely dressed to thrill. 'You look fantastic' he added 'what can I get you to drink?'

  'Just a coke please, I'm driving, I'll have some wine when I get home.'

  'OK if you’re sure.' 'Phil one coke and another pint over here please.'

  'I'm sorry about Ian' John continued 'I've told him you and I would never get together, but he keeps trying to set me up. He means well.'

  Liz took a sip of her coke 'shall we sit?'

  John and Liz occupied one of the little nooks.

  'Have you seen the crap they've written in the Mail?' John asked 'it’s just unbelievable.'

  'Yes I read it; I just wonder where they get their so called information from?'

  'From their bloody imagination if you ask me,' John leaned towards Liz and asked quietly 'the liver wasn't missing was it?'

  Liz could tell that two pints and a double whisky were beginning to have an affect on John.

  'How you getting home John, do you want me to give you a lift?'

  'Yes, that would be very kind Lizbeth, but we're not going yet are we? Only just got here, shall we have another one?'

  'One more, then how about we finish up and go back to mine for a glass of wine and something to eat, cokes not very inspiring, you could get a taxi from there.'

  'That sounds like a very good plan to me, and I wanted to ask you about your lab coat.'

  ***

  6.50 am, but instead of the usual screaming of John's alarm he was woken by the sound of a fizzing in his ears.

  'What the fuck!' he grunted not even opening his eyes.

  'Good Morning John' it was Liz's voice.

  John opened his eyes with a start. 'What? Where am I? What are you doing here?' he said still semi dazed.

  'Oh thanks a lot! I live here and you don’t remember anything about last night do you?' She was wearing a long fluffy white bath robe tied around the waist emphasising her figure 'I've brought you some alka seltzer, thought you might be a bit hungover, and there's coffee down in the kitchen if you want it.'

  John sat up in bed then realised he was naked. He pulled the sheets up to his chin with one hand and took the seltzer with the other.

  'What? Oh no sorry Liz, of course I remember' he lied 'I was still half asleep that’s all.'

  Liz sat on the edge of the bed and smiled 'well I enjoyed it anyway,' she stroked Johns hand 'it was so much better than I ever imagined it would be, you're really quite a Tiger in bed aren’t you? I've been awake most of the night just thinking about it.'

  John bristled with pride 'well what can I say, I enjoyed it too, it was fantastic. But you know, it takes two, I'm a bit out of practice I know, but I try, you though, how good were you?' John began to feel quite embarrassed and slightly out of his depth he couldn't remember a damn thing about the night before, but this was Liz, a long time friend and colleague, he didn't want to upset her by telling her he couldn't remember.

  'Out of practice! Wow you were fantastic! I'm still trying to catch my breath, if that's you out of practice I can’t wait till you're back on form.'

  She slipped her hand under the duvet and gently stroked his leg.

  'Well, Yeh should be better still shouldn't it?'

  'We could go again now if you want' she said in her best husky voice as she gently started to pull the sheets down from his chin.

  John started to panic. 'Sorry Liz got a real bad headache, must have been the wine.'

  Liz started laughing, 'I'm sorry' she said 'I can’t keep this up. You don’t remember do you? We got back here and after half a glass of wine you passed out, I put you to bed, this is the spare room.'

  'Oh thank God, Liz that’s such a relief' he looked at her and saw the expression on her face 'not that I wouldn’t have liked to, you know.'

  'Stop there John before you dig a bigger hole for yourself, yo
u’d better go and get showered.'

  'Yeh OK Liz. Just one thing though?' he paused as he lifted the sheet and looked underneath 'how did I end up, you know, naked?'

  Liz raised one eyebrow as she replied 'well a girls got to have some fun John, and it was so much more enjoyable removing the clothes from a warm body compared to what I'm used to' she had a cheeky grin on her face then, just as she was about to leave the room, she turned and said 'by the way, last night you were enquiring about my lab coat, you asked what I wore underneath it, do you remember?'

  'Yes vaguely, sorry about that' John replied, even more embarrassed.

  'Well here you are then' Liz stood in front of John, close enough for him to reach out and touch if he'd wanted too, and slowly undid the belt on her robe allowing the whole thing to softly slip from her body and drop to the floor.

  John took a long look, taking in the vision that stood before him, the shape of her breasts, her trim slender waist, those long shapely legs. Then he bust out laughing.

  'Bloody thermal long johns with pink flowers, oh Liz! Liz! Thank you, you've completely ruined my fantasy, but thank you, what a laugh!'

  'It gets cold in the lab you know' Liz laughed 'and I like my pink daisies.'

  After coffee Liz drove John to the station, parked the car and got out.

  'Are you coming in?' John asked.

  'Yes, just got some papers to pick up' Liz replied.

  As they walked through the corridors Liz linked arms with John, something she only normally did if they were out socially.

  'It was quite funny last night' she said, 'after you’d passed out you got a text from Ian he wanted to know where you were and if you'd struck lucky.' She looked at John who had a sheepish look about him, 'don't worry, I just sent a text back saying “I'm at Liz's and I'll be staying for breakfast!” and put a wink smiley at the end.'

  John turned horrified to Liz 'You did what!'

  But there was no time, they were through the door and a huge cheer went up around the room from John’s team, Ian stood at the front applauding.

  'See you later' she whispered and gave him a peck on the cheek for good measure.

  The cheers continued as John stood there, what was he supposed to do now? Tell them that he'd passed out and couldn’t do it, that would cause even more embarrassment, or just let them think that he and Liz had done it, at least that would take the pressure off a bit. He decided to go with the latter.

  Ian walked towards John and was about to speak.

  'Don’t you start' John warned.

  'Come on lets go,' Ian said, still smiling broadly 'Horseshoe Common, we've got another one.'

  Chapter 7

  'Bill please stop, let me explain.'

  But Bill was away, disappearing into the crowds that filled the streets at that time of night in town centre. He didn’t want to hear what she had to say.

  'Bill Please!'

  He could hear her getting further in the distance, he wasn’t going to put up with that sort of shit, not from her, he just wanted to get as far away from her as he could, he crossed the road and decided to go across the Common. As his pace slowed a little he could still hear the sound of distant crowds but there was something else, someone behind him, he tried not to pay too much attention he just wanted to get home and he was still thinking about what she had said. What a fucking bitch she was. The steps behind him seemed to get closer and closer and then, they vanished. He turned to look but there was nobody there.

  'If that’s you pissing around just fuck off and leave me alone, I don’t want to hear any more of your pathetic excuses' he shouted. He didn’t even want to glimpse her again let alone sit down for a nice cosy little chat while she blurted out her ridiculous story about why she'd done it.

  He turned back and continued walking, as he approached the flyover he saw a figure appear from the shadows and slowly removing its hood.

  'Oh its you, what the fuck do you want, Roger, you fucking Freak?'

  'Don’t call me that, there’s no need to be nasty.'

  'Well that’s what you are isn't it? A fucking freak.'

  'I said there’s no need to be nasty.'

  'Look at you! You are a complete freak Roger!'

  'Don't put me down! And stop calling me that!' Anger was rising in Roger’s body, completely enveloping him.

  'You're a pathetic, little, freak of nature Roger.'

  Slash.

  'What the fuck?'

  Slash.

  In a split second the look in his eyes went from anger to realisation to fear back to anger and then, nothing. He dropped like a marionette that had had its strings cut.

  'I told you not to call me that you gutless bastard, now lets see what you're made of.'

  Chapter 8

  As John and Ian approached the car they saw Liz in the car park.

  'Liz!' called John 'Horseshoe Common, we've got another one.'

  'OK see you there' came the reply.

  Ian looked at John, studying his face he seemed to be looking for some sort of sign or clue.

  'What’s up with you' John asked.

  'Nothing J.D. I was just wondering, you and Liz are you an item?

  John chuckled 'No Ian, I don’t think so.'

  'But you did, you know, find out what she wears under the lab coat, so to speak?'

  'Oh yes Ian, I definitely did that.'

  For the rest of the short journey Ian sat looking at John, still not quite sure if he could believe that Liz and J.D. had finally got together.

  ***

  Horseshoe Common was so named because of its shape, along the bottom straight edge ran the Old Christchurch Road, Where the “laughing Pig” was situated, to the right is Madeira Road with the police station located at the top and the right side is flanked by Dean Park Crescent, the Wessex way flyover was about half way up. Arriving at the scene John and Ian walked briskly to the area where the body was still laying. Liz had already started her work and the area had been cordoned off from prying eyes, a small crowd had gathered including a young woman with a camera, taking notes.

  'Ian, Go tell her, and any others, not to publish a word or any photos before the press conference will you?'

  'Are we having a press conference?' Ian enquired.

  'We are now' John said, then added 'I don’t want those bastards publishing the same sort of crap they did yesterday; I still want to know who was responsible for that.' He looked at the body, throat cut, intestines on display, got to be the same killer. But this one was different, there were pools of blood surrounding the body turning that part of the pathway into a sticky red stream but apart from that it looked a lot neater.

  'First impressions Liz?'

  'Well, whatever cut this one was sharper, a lot sharper, and the throat hasn't been cut all the way round, just two lacerations, one either side of the wind pipe, enough to cut the jugular and carotid’s. Death would have been fairly swift, also the abdomen, it wasn't a single vertical cut this time, it’s in the shape of a “T” and the sides folded back. If you look at the blood pool surrounding you'll notice foot and paw prints and it looks like someone had slipped quite badly in the blood, but that happened after the event, after the blood had coagulated.'

  'Time of death?'

  'Its difficult to be accurate here, like the last one the body has been opened up and with the amount of blood loss the temperature would have dropped at a faster rate than normal but considering the coagulation of the blood and the fact it was quite a cold night I'd estimate between eight and twelve hours.Sorry I can’t be more accurate than that at the moment.'

  'That’s alright Liz, I know you're doing your best' he touched her gently on her arm.

  'What about these foot prints? You said they happened after the event.'

  Ian had returned 'I can answer that. The old feller that reported it, sat in the back of the ambulance over there, he was out walking his dog when he discovered the body, he slipped in the blood trying to administer CPR.'


  'What? Didn’t he see the state of this poor sod?'

  'Thought he might be able to help, dog wasn’t on a lead so both him and his dog are covered in it.'

  'That’s great! Contaminate the scene before we even get here.'

  'I'll need his clothes and samples from him' Liz said.

  'Yes, I'll go and talk to him, Ian you get onto the station tell them we want a reporting ban on this until we can give them the facts, we don’t want any more sensationalist crap coming from them, its bad enough already.'

  He approached the ambulance where he saw an old man sitting on the back step, the ambulance crew had given him a blanket, he was sipping a cup of tea and shaking slightly, he had a look of shock about him. Next to him was a dog, now on its lead, both were smeared in blood.

  'Hello, I'm Detective Inspector Dickie' John said sitting down beside him.

  'Good morning Sir, Dunn, Frederick Dunn.' He started to stand up but John gently rested a hand on his shoulder 'are you OK?' he asked.

  'Oh yes sir, I'll be fine, don’t know about Patch though, bit of a shock for him.'

  'Is that your dog’s name, Patch? Lovely dog.'

  'He's been with me a while now sir, ever since my wife died he's been my best friend and companion.'

  'That's nice, we all need someone don't we? Should I call you Frederick or Fred?'

  'Fred if you like sir.'

  'Please, you can just call me John. Now Fred can you tell me what happened?'

  'Well sir, I was just out walking Patch, we go for a walk every morning you see, about the same time, we always come through here, Patch likes to have a little run you see sir. Then we go down to the cafe and have a cuppa tea and cake, Patch doesn’t like tea that much but he always enjoys the cake. Don’t you Patch?'

  'But today?' John asked.

  'Sorry sir, went off topic a bit didn’t I? Well today as we were walking through here I heard Patch barking see, well he doesn’t bark much normally so I thought something might be up, he was just over by the path there near the flyover,' he pointed 'well I called didn't I. What’s up old fella? I said. Patch just kept barking so I thought I'd better go and investigate, and there I saw him, all covered in blood. Well sir, I saw some terrible things during the war, people with limbs blown off, blood and guts everywhere, but you know some of them survived, so I thought to myself, you gotta try old son, so I did. I tried the kiss of life and chest compressions just like I was taught, even Patch was licking his face trying to get him to wake up, weren’t you Patch? But I think we were too late, he'd already gone. Now as it happens it was my birthday last week and my son, he’s an Architect you know, gave me one of those mobile phone things, bloody marvellous they are sir, have you got one? Anyway he said, here you are dad just in case of emergency, I'd not used it up till today but I thought, I think this'll class as an emergency, so I called 999, you were very quick as well top marks to you for that.'