Will to Love

by Miranda P. Charles

  "Nothing. I'm just feeling lonely already. Steve has to go to Cairns for work tomorrow. He's packing at the moment," Faye said dolefully.

  Her friend's melancholy made Clarise smile. At least she wasn't the only one. She felt a bit better.

  "When's he coming back?"

  "Not 'til Wednesday," Faye sniffed. "He loves his new job and it's much more money than the last one but this is the trade off. I told him to tell his boss to give him longer notice the next time he has to go somewhere so I could take some time off work and go with him. I just hate it when he's away," she sighed.

  "Well, at least that's only three days and two nights. Will's going to Melbourne tomorrow and he won't be back 'til next Sunday."

  "Oh, really?" Faye suddenly sounded more animated and interested. "So how did your meeting go last Friday?" She emphasised the word meeting.

  "Oh, it went well."

  "And?"

  "And we did go out to dinner."

  "Great stuff, Clarise! And?"

  "And... I did open my legs." Clarise blushed at her words - well, Faye's words that she borrowed.

  "Oh. My. God! Who are you and what have you done to my best friend?" Faye said with shock and amazement. She really didn't believe that Clarise would go ahead with the seduction plan but obviously, she did. And succeeded. "So, my dear, how was it? Was he good to you?"

  "Faye!" Clarise's blush deepened and she was grateful she was alone in her apartment. She remembered her first time with Will and grinned. "It was great, and yes, he was very good to me."

  "Heavens above! Finally, my best friend has given up her celibacy. Did you see him at all this weekend?"

  "Yes. We had lunch together today." Clarise still felt shy telling Faye all about her sexual activities with Will.

  "That's it? Just lunch?"

  "No," she whispered.

  "Clarise, you're driving me nuts. Stop being so coy! This is so not you that I just have to hear about it."

  "Okay, okay! Yes, we slept together today, too. Before lunch. Can you call it sleeping together when you do it in the middle of the day?"

  There was a brief silence on the other line and Clarise could imagine Faye grinning madly. "This is looking very promising. And it doesn't matter what you call it. The fact is you did it."

  Clarise sighed despondently.

  "Clarise, what is it?" Faye asked ominously.

  "Oh, Faye, I don't know. When we went to lunch after we...you know, made love...he was very quiet. I think he was distracted with work but still... And he didn't really say anything about seeing me again when he comes back next Sunday." Clarise felt her earlier sadness and frustration come back.

  "Oh, Clarise. It's early days yet. And you were the one who told me he's a very busy man with a very demanding work schedule who wasn't really looking for a relationship. You need to give him time to adjust to the thought of going out with you."

  "And if he decides he didn't want to adjust to it? That he's too busy?"

  "Well, it seems to me that there's still a lot of the old Clarise there. You're looking for certainty, aren't you? My dear, sometimes, you just can't know until you have given it some time to sort itself out."

  "I'm just thinking it will hurt a lot more later if the answer is 'no'."

  "Letting your fears run you again, Clarise?" Faye asked softly. "There are no guarantees in life but if you run, you will never know for sure. And what's more, if you're not proactive, you are not giving yourself the chance to make things happen the way you want it to happen."

  "Oh, Faye, you are so wise. I'm so grateful to you," Clarise said sincerely.

  Faye laughed. "No guts, no glory. I know I'll hate it more if I didn't go for something I really wanted. And I just happen to think everyone should feel the same," she said teasingly.

  "Hmm. Yes, I think you're right. I think I - " Clarise didn't finish what she was saying as she heard Faye gasp and try to repress a giggle.

  "Faye?"

  Clarise heard Faye's muffled tone as her friend tried to cover her phone so she wouldn't hear. "Shhh, I'm talking to Clarise." She was talking to Steve and from Faye's breathless and giggly sound, Steve was obviously doing something to her that she liked.

  Then Steve was on the line. "Hi, Clarise. Would you mind so much if Faye calls you back tomorrow? It's just that I'm leaving tomorrow and..."

  Clarise chuckled, knowing exactly what they'd be doing. "Of course not, Steve. I'll talk to her tomorrow. Good night. Enjoy yourselves," she added with a snort.

  "Good night, Clarise. And don't worry. We'll more than enjoy ourselves," Steve said suggestively. In the background she heard Faye shout "Good night" as they hung up.

  Clarise felt envious. Why can't we be like that tonight, Will?

  She sensed the spectre of a broken heart just around the corner. But unlike before when she would run away and hide from the source of pain, she promised herself that this time she wouldn't. Even if she got hurt in the end, she didn't want any regrets that she didn't do all she could. She didn't want to be that kind of person anymore.

  As she mulled over her conversation with Faye, Clarise formulated some sort of plan. She needed to let Will know a casual relationship was not for her. Her feelings were too deep to be able to handle it. But how does she let him know without scaring the crap out of him?

  One step at a time, she decided. First, she wanted commitment from him that they'd see each other exclusively. Just that for the time being. Hopefully, he wouldn't be running for the hills when she asked that of him.

  It would be a deal-breaker for her if he didn't want exclusivity. Not that she thought he had much time for other women, but it was the commitment to their relationship that she wanted. She wanted the right to be jealous and to demand he not flirt with someone else. And she wanted the right to fend off other women who wanted him - like Delia who worked in the office.

  Telling him she loved him could happen much later, when she felt sure he was ready to hear it. She knew holding back on saying she loved him would be very hard. And it would hurt, too. But for now, she'd settle for showing him instead of telling him.

  ~~

  Will was walking into his hotel room in Melbourne when he received the text message from Clarise. He put his bags down and checked his phone.

  * Hi W. Hope your flight was pleasant and you got there okay. :-). C xxx *

  A warm, joyful glow travelled through his body at the thought that she cared enough that he had a good flight and was safe. He started tapping his response, smiling.

  * Hi C. Flying was boring as usual. But I feel better now that I heard from you. :-). W *

  Just as he was about to hit 'send', he felt anxious that this texting could get out of hand and leave him unfocused from his work for that week. He couldn't afford to act like a teenager with a big crush when he had very important things to attend to. He deleted his message and tapped a new one.

  * Hi C. Thank you. Flight was okay. Got to the hotel okay. W *

  He hit 'send', and there was that feeling again that he cheated himself of something good.

  ~~

  Clarise heard the 'ting-ting' of the incoming message and snatched her phone from her desk. She felt a pang of disappointment at the tone of his text. What was I expecting? In truth, she was expecting - hoping for - something warmer, more flirty, with a smiley face just like she sent him.

  But his response sounded impersonal, like he was responding to his PA. She felt disheartened and even more worried that for him their relationship was indeed just as she had started to fear - casual with no commitment.

  Damn you, Will, for making me fall in love with you. And damn me for doing and saying things that would hurt me.

  Clarise had to distract herself from the fear and pain gnawing at her chest so she went to Victor's office. He was fully concentrated on what he was doing but looked up when he noticed her by the door.

  "Hey, Clarise. What's up?" he asked with concern.

  "Hi, darling. I was wond
ering if you have time for a quick coffee?"

  "Sure. Do you want to make them in the kitchen or do you want to get them from next door?"

  "Next door. The fresh air and walk would do me good."

  ~~

  "Okay, spill," Victor commanded as they walked towards the take away coffee shop.

  Clarise took a deep breath and asked him, "If someone said to you they'll go out with you on a date-by-date basis, whenever your schedules would allow, what would you think the intention of that person is?"

  Victor frowned at her. "Is that what Will said to you?"

  "No, it's what I said to him."

  "What?!" Victor exclaimed, shock evident in his voice. "Clarise, I didn't know you went for casual relationships. I thought you only ever wanted something that's more committed than that!"

  Clarise flushed. They ordered their coffee and as they waited, she looked worriedly at Victor.

  "Well, you see, it just kind of came out of my mouth. I just so wanted to be with him. I didn't realise how hard it would be for me to take it," she said with a touch of embarrassment.

  "And you're regretting it now?"

  "I'm not regretting that we started going out together." Clarise knew she hadn't regretted their lovemaking. Looking at Victor with wide, pained eyes, she added, "but, I think I've fallen for him and I'm afraid all he wants is a casual relationship. I don't think he's ready for more. But I want more."

  "Oh, Clarise," Victor said sympathetically.

  "I know it's my fault, but it hurts," she whispered.

  "What are you going to do?"

  "Well, the thing is I know I couldn't continue on with our current arrangement of... casual. It's just not for me. That very much suggests we can see other people anytime because we're not committed to each other. I need to know I'm the only one he's seeing and I need him to commit to that. Otherwise, I'll just keep getting hurt everyday. And he wouldn't even know it."

  Victor nodded his support.

  "There were times when he was really sweet and attentive, like he cared a little bit about me, so maybe there's hope that he may be open to exclusivity." Yeah, sure, he was sweet and attentive only when he was horny. Clarise pushed away that little nasty voice inside her head.

  She continued telling Victor her plan. "Maybe I'll warm him up by taking the sweet and flirtatious route, then tell him we need to commit to being exclusive or we stop seeing each other altogether."

  Victor smiled at her encouragingly as they took their coffee and walked back to their office. "That's the way. Go for what you want. At least you know you tried."

  She smiled gratefully at Victor, feeling validated and more courageous.

  ~~

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  Clarise flopped on her bed, wearing her pyjamas and all ready to curl up and sleep. But first, she wanted to send Will a short and sweet text message.

  She was grateful that her day at work had been very hectic. It helped made her day bearable. But now that she was alone in her apartment, she acutely felt the aching disappointment that she had not heard one word from him. She hated that she was hoping he would call or email or text her. Her rational part told her that was too much to expect from him considering their arrangement, but her heart kept on hoping. She glanced at her alarm clock. It said 10:18pm.

  Well, if he was going to contact me at all today, he would have done it by now.

  She looked at her phone that she took to bed with her, feeling nervous, her palms sweating. Just freaking do it, Clarise! She started tapping her message.

  * Hi Will. Hope your day went well. Mine was busy but I found it hard to concentrate. I know I'll find it hard to sleep too. Because I'm missing you a lot. C xxx *

  She stared at her message, debating on whether it was too revealing of her feelings or not. Would it freak him out? Was it too early in their relationship for her to be sending him messages like this?

  Just send it already!

  She tapped 'send', her heart galloping. She tensely waited for his reply, not knowing when it would arrive. She picked up her iPad to distract herself. Half an hour later, there was still no reply from Will. She reasoned that he may have turned his phone off but knew it was unlikely. She remembered him saying he never turned it off and that he slept around midnight. By midnight, she had cried herself to sleep.

  ~~

  Clarise woke up, the alarm clock startling her out of an unpleasant dream. She pressed the 'off' button but didn't get up. Her head felt heavy. Her heart too. Then she remembered her text to Will the night before and sat up quickly, grabbing her phone from the bedside table.

  She blinked. Still no messages. He doesn't care about me like that.

  Once again she felt her heart constrict and a tear escaped her eye. She thought about calling in sick for work. She really didn't feel very well. But then she realised it would be worse if she stayed at home and not have anything else to do but think about him all day. At least work would distract her from thoughts of him.

  ~~

  Victor and Jessa came into her office at 12pm. "Hello, darling. We're here to drag you out to lunch." Victor said.

  Clarise smiled warmly at her friends. "Great! I'm ready."

  Jessa peered at her closely, noticing her still slightly puffed eyes. "You don't look too well. Are you okay?"

  She gave her a small smile and a shrug. "I'll be fine. At least now I know how he really feels."

  Victor raised his eyebrows. "You do? Did you talk to him last night?"

  Jessa gazed at them quizically. Victor looked at Clarise, waiting for her to tell Jessa.

  "Let's go to lunch and I'll tell you."

  ~~

  Clarise brought her friends up-to-date with what had happened with her and Will so far.

  "So, I sent him a text last night. I'll show you." Clarise opened her messages and showed them her text. "He didn't respond to that at all."

  Jessa's eyes were wide, looking at Clarise in a different light. When it came to relationships, the old Clarise was either running away, hiding or waiting - never initiating. But it looked like when it came to Will, she'd taken steps that were big and bold for her.

  "Oh. Are you sure he got it?"

  "How can he not get it? It's not like he's in the middle of nowhere with no coverage. He's in Melbourne!"

  Jessa and Victor looked at each other, crestfallen.

  "I guess you're right. I'm sorry, darling. I don't know what to say," Victor said with compassion as Jessa reached out to squeeze her hand.

  "Oh, don't worry. I'll get over him soon," she said with fake bravado.

  Victor stood up and motioned for the two girls to stand up as well. "Group hug," he said. Clarise felt tears prick her eyes. She hugged them back fiercely. "Thank you, darlings. Now let's go back to the office and let me bury myself in work," she managed to say jokingly as she tried to maintain control of her emotions.

  ~~

  Will sat on a couch at the lobby of his hotel, getting very impatient with his friend Rob Granger. He may have developed a brilliant marketing mind and vastly increased his social network since school but when it came to being on time, he was still the old Rob he remembered. He was running late again. He was supposed to be there at 1pm, it was now 1:15pm. He had an important 1:30pm phone meeting coming up with a corporate client and he needed his phone. He tried to keep calm.

  They went to dinner last night and he met Rob's girlfriend, Andrea. Will enjoyed their company but when they suggested he join them to go to a late-night party of a friend of theirs who was celebrating something important, he pleaded tiredness and went back to his hotel. Who organises a big party on a week night? It was only when he got back to the hotel that he realised Andrea still had his mobile phone. Will was so mad at himself.

  Andrea borrowed his phone last night as both hers and Rob's had ran out of battery. She had to go out of the quiet restaurant to have a loud conversation with her friend who was holding the weeknight party. Maybe it was the wine, the different envi
ronment, the somewhat rambunctious company or the fact that he was tired, but whatever the reason, he forgot to get his phone back from Andrea. And Andrea forgot to return it to him.

  He tried to call his phone all night from the hotel but no one picked up. He tried Rob's phone and it went to voicemail. He called again a few times this morning in between meetings. Finally, Rob picked up at around 10am. He apologised profusely. Apparently, they had a really late night and were suffering from some serious hangover.

  It seemed to Will that Rob hadn't grown out of his partying habits. He acted as if he was still eighteen years old. He was surprised that he was somewhat successful in his marketing business with all his partying. It must be Rob's charismatic and likeable personality that helped him garner the necessary connections and support he needed.